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    Yearly Archives: 2013

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    25Nov, 2013
    10 Habits of Healthy Relationships

    Happy Relationship

    There are small habits or skills which all couples who  have successful relationships seem to have in common. Ten of these are outlined below and all are easy to include in your relationship.

    1.  Look for something positive in each other every day and tell your partner.

    At the start of the relationship, couples naturally do this but as time goes on and you become familiar and comfortable, you start to focus on the negative things.

    There are probably a whole lot of things your partner does each day that are positive, but you will often only point out the negatives to them. This doesn’t make anybody feel good and makes you really aware of what is wrong with the relationship, not what is right. I’m not suggesting you ignore problems, just don’t make your relationship a problem focused one. The more you look for the good, the better you both feel about each other.

    2.  Don’t try and fix each other. Read More

    16Jul, 2013
    10 Steps to Help Build Self-Esteem

    Improve self esteem What is self-esteem?

    Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself and while it may not seem all that important, how we view ourselves can have an incredible impact on our lives. Those who have low self-esteem tend to have a very critical view of themselves and do not really like who they are.
    While we tend to talk freely about depression and anxiety these days (well we’re getting more accepting of it), we often ignore the all important view of ourselves which can actually contribute to depression, anxiety, relationship breakdown and generally unhappy lives.

    What are the signs of low self-esteem?

    People with low self-esteem probably never talk about this aspect of themselves but just accept it as a valid part of who they are. Often, people with low self-esteem will:

    • Be very critical of themselves
    • Pay no attention to the achievements they have made
    • Use negative words to describe themselves (fat, ugly, stupid, a failure)
    • Have trouble accepting compliments
    • Allow others to treat them in a manner which is not acceptable
    • Have difficulty saying no
    • Avoid activities so as not to be judged by others
    • Become an overachiever to try and cover up or compensate
    • Exhibit self harming behaviours such as drinking/drug abuse or eating disorders
    • Lack in self confidence

    How to improve low self-esteem

    1. Positive thinking exercises.

    A major part of low self-esteem is the constant critical, negative self talk. For this exercise, write down (don’t just think it), a list of positive qualities about yourself. Aim to get 20 things on this list and complete it over a few weeks. Eg, I’m kind, patient, help others etc. If you can’t think of anything, ask your friends what they think. This can seem like a really daunting task but it is usually because you have never stopped to think about the positives – they are there.

    2. Track the thoughts Read More

    3May, 2013
    10 Tips on how to be Happy

    When asked what they want from counselling, clients often say, “I just want to be happy, how can I be happy?” So often in life we are striving for happiness and seem to get knocked off that path by other people and the effect their actions have on us. You can only control your own thinking and your own behaviour. Happiness is different to everyone, but a good place to start, is to remove problems from our thinking that impact our happiness.

    Here are some tips to stop letting other people affect you.

    1.  Don’t take everything personally.

    We have a habit of making ourselves the centre of the universe and every action by other people is somehow about us. It’s not all about you!! Sometimes people behave badly, just because they do. It actually has nothing to do with you and it is completely their personality and their behaviour. Chances are, if they are rude to you, then they are rude to most people. Let it go.

    2.  Don’t take everything seriously.

    Life is meant to be fun – yes it can be hard work at times but it doesn’t always need to be so serious. I have a rule to decide if I need to stress and worry about a problem, or just go with it. The question I ask myself is “Will it matter in a year? Will I even remember this problem the same time next year?” If the answer is “no”, then deal with it calmly and let it go. That flat tyre on the way to work is annoying, but it’s hardly worth being unhappy over and chances are you won’t think about it in a few days. Read More

    9Apr, 2013
    How to Survive Infidelity in your Relationship

    Surviving InfidelityDiscovering that your partner has had an affair can be one of the toughest and most challenging things to overcome in your relationship. Many relationships can and do survive infidelity within the relationship, particularly when they get some professional help to navigate the healing process and rebuild the relationship.

    How successful a couple are at restoring their relationship after the affair has come to light, depends largely on the attitude of both people and their willingness to work on overcoming this huge obstacle. It can be done provided you both really want the relationship and you follow some basic rules to help move past it.

    A really important step that is often overlooked by couples trying to come to terms with the affair, is the fact that there was something within the relationship itself that allowed a third party to be involved. Recognising that the relationship was not perfect and that both people need to look at what was wrong can be quite confronting.

    This is not to say that it is an excuse or that the betrayed spouse is to blame in some way. It simply means that if the relationship was in a strong, healthy place then no other person would be able to get in between the couple.

    Accepting that the hurt and trust issues need to be worked through, but also that the relationship itself needs to be examined and repaired is a big step towards healing and creating a strong relationship. Some couples I work with accept this and find that while the affair was devastating initially, the result is that the focus is again put back into the relationship and an even stronger bond is established.

    There are some basic steps that need to be covered to recover from an affair. Read More

    30Jan, 2013
    Resolving Conflict in a Relationship

    Resolving conflict in a relationshipEveryone experiences conflict in their relationship at some stage and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. How you manage it determines if it is a healthy part of your relationship or if it is working against you and causing problems.

    Learning how to manage conflict is an important part of both personal and business relationships and can set you up for success in both areas. There are a few things you can do to make sure you resolve differences without the unhealthy conflict.

    Stay calm

    There is a tendency when people get frustrated, to raise your voice to speak over the other person and make yourself heard. This doesn’t work on any level because it turns it from a form of communication to a competition to win the point. The other person will either raise their voice to compete, or stop listening.

    Be really aware of your volume and if you feel it is starting to increase, take a deep breath, pause for a moment and try again at a suitable volume level. If you are too emotional to do this, then take some time out to calm down and then return to the conversation.

    Pick your Time

    Often when there is something that you really feel you need to talk to your partner about, you pounce on them the moment they walk in the door, or even try to talk about it whilst at work. This is unlikely to have good results. It is important to know when the best times to talk to your partner are. This isn’t to say you need to wait a week to have your say, but do pick a time when they are likely to be able to listen and have the energy and interest to do so. Read More

    15Jan, 2013
    Pre-Marital Relationship Advice

    Pre Marriage adviceMany couples put a lot of focus on the wedding day and planning the perfect honeymoon. This is such an exciting time and this one small period in their lives together has been planned to the tiniest detail. But how many of those couples have put as much effort into working out and planning the rest of their lives together?

    Couples meet, fall in love, decide they are compatible and want a life together. Usually some sort of routine is worked out to live together and there are general plans in place for buying a home or having kids. That’s usually about it.

    Having a successful marriage takes work. Both before you plan the wedding day to make sure you both really want the same goals in life, or near enough that you can make it work, and throughout the relationship.

    I have detailed some of the key areas that really need to be discussed and resolved before you walk down the aisle.

    1.   Work out your goals.

    • Where do you want to be in 5 years or 10 years?
    • Where do you see yourselves living – country, city, by the beach, in the suburbs?
    • Do you want to travel before you buy a house? Do you even want to buy a house? Read More