• Search for:

    Monthly Archives: May 2019

    1. Home  - 2019  - 
    2. May
    30May, 2019
    I’m a Mum and I don’t enjoy it.

    The simple answer is, “Yes”! The more complex answer is, “Most people love their kids and enjoy some aspects of parenting”.

    Mums and Dads both provide an important role in the family. But many Mums will struggle with both finding balance and looking after themselves and the pretty standard “Mum guilt”. The reality is, Mums more and more seem to be struggling with who they are meant to be these days.

    One of the worst parts of this is that we don’t talk about how we really feel. Mums are supposed to “feel lucky” and love every aspect of parenting. Or so we tell ourselves.

    Go back a couple of generations and we observe that Mums and Dads had very clearly defined roles. Dads were largely responsible for earning the money and Mums were responsible for keeping the home and children in order. Whilst women may have not been entirely happy with this role, they at least knew who they were meant to be. They had a clearly defined job description to follow, as did men. Easier to do your job when you have a clearly defined role to guide you.

    Fast forward today and women are now supposed to be career women, full-time mothers, part-time workers and everything in between. No longer is the job of being a woman clearly defined and whatever path you choose, there is either judgement, often self-judgement or guilt associated with the role. Mums often find themselves stuck in the middle of these roles and are deeply unhappy but can see no path out of the life they have found themselves in.

    We don’t want to go back a couple of generations, but we do need to find a way to be who we are and accept our choices around parenting as valid. And that might mean being honest about not enjoying being a Mum!

    Naturally there are restrictions on which roles Mums can choose from due to financial constraints, age of children and lifestyle choices. Sometimes Mums want to stay at home and be full-time Mums but can’t due to financial needs. Sometimes Mums want to work a full-time job and can’t due to babysitting requirements. Often there is not much that can be done to alter these circumstances and we need to find a way to work within the choices available and still find a happy balance.

    I can’t tell you how often I have met a couple in couples counselling and as they tell me that they are really fortunate that Dad works and Mum is “really lucky” and gets to stay home to raise the kids. And while this might be a fortunate financial position to be able to make this choice, when I watch Mum, I don’t see someone who seems to feel “really lucky”.

    What I often see, is a woman who feels like she should be feeling really lucky, isn’t even feeling happy about her role and then feels really guilty for not feeling lucky! When I bring this into focus, Dad usually looks shocked and sad (men don’t want their partners to feel unhappy) and Mum usually looks like a huge weight has been lifted that she can finally be honest and validated for not loving the stay at home mum role.

    What do we do then to stay happy and raise our kids?

    Balance. That is really what it is all about for women to find a life that is content if not happy during the childhood years. And the key to this balance is to be selfish. Yes, that’s right, Mums often need to learn how to be selfish in order to find a happy balance.

    Every Mum I have spoken to in my counselling room has stated that they aren’t living the life for themselves they would choose. Maybe they can’t work as much as they like, go out with friends, play sports, essentially make choices for themselves because they need to put family first. Mums take on the role that is there and fulfil it with little thought to their own needs. Over time, Mums slowly find that they are not enjoying being a Mum as much as they thought they should and often feel like they have lost sight of who they are. Mums often lose their identity and their self-esteem is impacted. And on top of that, is the guilt of not enjoying the parenting role.

    If Mum isn’t happy, then this will flow through to many areas in the family unit whether we like it or not. It is crucial that parents retain their identity whilst parenting and find a role that either provides happiness or at the very least, contentment.

    The first thing I want to remind every Mum of is that it is ok to not enjoy parenting!! You still love your child. You are still a good Mum. I’m a Mum. My kids are mostly adults now and there were parts of parenting that I really didn’t like. My adult kids think I’m awesome (mostly!) and we have a great relationship. I was still a good Mum when I didn’t enjoy it. I also looked after myself so I could be the best version of Mum me I could be. Mum guilt doesn’t fix anything.

    It is a really hard, challenging, rewarding, crazy, exhausting role. There are amazing parts of course and so much love but it is at times physically and mentally challenging and can be really lonely and boring too. And it is ok to feel this, to know this, to say this. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids; it just means you are an adult that requires different stimulation than what full time parenting provides.

    The first step is to be honest with yourself and work out what makes you happy. The second step is to find small ways to achieve these things. Keeping in mind that it is all about balance. Maybe working two days a week is enough to fulfil the need you have to feel mentally stimulated and have the social interaction with other people. Maybe playing a sport one night a week is enough for you to feel that you are still retaining a part of you. There is no set answer, there is only what works for you the individual and whatever it is, it is ok!!

    Your kids, your partner, your family, they will all benefit when you find a life that offers you enough to still be you. You are a person, you matter. Try and be a little bit selfish and watch your family thrive of the real you.

    Being a Mum doesn’t mean you stop being a woman. Work out what you need as a woman and try and meet that as best you can with the choices that are available to you. And stop the Mum guilt! Live life how you would like your adult kids to live theirs one day. Be a great model of how to be a Mum and the person you are.

    Here if you need.

    20May, 2019
    Is your therapist right for you?
    Is your therapist right for you?sw

    Taking a first step into the world of therapy can be really daunting for most people.

    Who to pick?

    Will it help?

    Will they judge me?

    Is my problem big enough?

    What will happen in the session?

    These are just some of the questions people ask themselves when they are having their first therapy session. It can be really difficult to take that first step to see a therapist. Trying to work out where to start looking for the right person can be intimidating.

    Therapy, whatever form, can be a wonderful thing that can improve life in many ways. But there are certain things that matter when choosing a therapist. It isn’t what people initially think.

    What Qualifications?

    Most people get caught up in whether they should be seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Counsellor. This matters and is the starting point only. A quick breakdown then of what each of these do.

    Psychiatrist – A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has completed a medical degree and then gone on to do further study of mental health. They specialise in diagnosis and treatment of mental illness and can prescribe medication. A good for for diagnosable mental health conditions and serious intervention or treatment.

    Psychologist – A Psychologist has a degree and works with mental health problems and human behaviour. They can diagnose, use talk therapy, provide testing for various issues and help treat behavioural problems. Psychologists don’t prescribe medication.

    Counsellor – A Counsellor has either a degree or diploma. They are trained to give guidance with individuals to help navigate life’s problems. They also work with relationships to help learn skills to get and maintain a healthy relationship.  Counsellors do not diagnose. They may work in tandem with a general practitioner to provide overall help for a client who may benefit from medication.

    There is often an overlap between the 3 roles which makes it confusing for people to find the right person to work with. As a starting point, if you have a general practitioner that you trust, this is the first point to ask who they believe might assist you. However, Mental Health Plans can only be used with Psychiatrists and Psychologists so they often won’t refer to counsellors. 

    Generally, from there, if they believe that a Psychiatrist is required, that is where you begin your journey on exploring help options. If they suggest a Psychologist then a Psychologist or Counsellor may be suitable for you – IF – they are experienced in the area you need help in. Just as counsellors are not trained in many mental health conditions, many psychologists are not trained in relationship work.

    The education matters.

    The person themselves matters more.

    The Therapist

    The most important thing that matters in picking a therapist, is that you connect with them, that you like them.

    At that first session, YOU are interviewing THEM!!! Yes, you are in charge. You are paying for a service, make sure you are happy with it. There is no mystery in therapy. As therapists, our role is to help you.

    You absolutely need someone who is trained and experienced in what you would like to talk about. But, and this is the tricky bit, the training and the experience will only work if they are good at what they do as a human being. And if they are the right fit for you.

    Imagine if you will, a primary school teacher. This person has done the degree, done extra courses, is incredibly qualified. You can practically wallpaper your walls in their education. But you, as a child, don’t like them, don’t connect with them. You won’t have a great experience and won’t learn as much. Imagine now another teacher with the same qualifications but this teacher gets you, they seem to understand you, they know how to work with you. You are going to have a good year and learn a lot.

    So too this relates to therapy. Therapy is an interpersonal experience. Yes, your therapist needs to be trained and experienced but you also need to relate to them and like them to get the most out of it.

    As a starting point, find someone who seems to have training and experience in what you need and then do one session. If you like them and feel they are a good fit, awesome, keep going! If you don’t feel it is quite right, stop. Shop around. Start over. Yes, it is a pain to tell your story over again but it is so worth it to find that right person to work with.

    Many years ago, I was in the position of needing therapy to help me and I had no idea of who to work with (this was a long time ago before I became a counsellor). I initially worked with a really, really qualified therapist. He was top of the field in the area he worked in. I hated every moment of the session. In my opinion, he knew the theory, but he was really bad at the job. It was memorably one of the worst experiences I had ever had. I walked away disillusioned. I thought therapy was useless and a waste of time. If that was the best there was then what was the point?

    Then a friend told me of a counsellor who worked a bit of a distance away but that she really liked. No where as near qualified as the therapist I had used. I figured I had nothing to lose and went to see her. Very reluctantly but I went. That was one of the best turning points in my life and worth the travel. She got me. She seemed to really be invested in the work we were doing. This counsellor wasn’t just working out of a book, she had life experience. I felt connected and safe with her and for the first time in my life I opened up.

    That was the start of big change for me and I still remember those sessions and the changes that came from them. I credit that lady and those sessions with me learning a lot about myself.

    From my experiences, both positive and negative, I shaped how I work as a counsellor. I do what I would have liked as a client. For many people I am that person that they finally connect with. But I am not a fit for everyone and that is ok too. I tell my clients that in the first session. Learn in that session if you like me and connect with me. Otherwise shop around.

    You are the expert in YOU. Trust your instinct!

    Learn a bit more about Sharon or Book a session now.

    9May, 2019
    Teens and Social Media

    Social media is having a bigger impact than many parents realise on the behaviour of their teenagers. Recently in my work I have had a large increase in parents asking for help with their teenagers and social media. Unfortunately for parents today, we are in a position of learning as we go, with little hard data on how to manage social media in healthy way. This is one area that we can’t refer back to our own childhoods on how to manage as we didn’t have any of this technology. Much of our parenting is guided by drawing on our own experience as a child and what we know worked or didn’t work. As parents today we are forging new ground and it can be both hard work and very confusing.

    Some of the issues we are seeing include a large rise in self-esteem issues, poor behaviour, anger, withdrawal, lack of respect and engaging in activities that are older than we would hope for an age group.

    For us oldies that went to school before social media came about, we faced the challenges of a school day and then went home where no peers entered our reality again until the next school day. For kids today, they come home and if they have social media, half their year class virtually comes home with them.

    Often teens disappear to their bedrooms and take their device with them. For some kids, that is the last you see of them until a brief visit at meal time and then back they go to their friends and plenty of people who are simply acquaintances.

    During these teens years, especially the early ones, our teens are forming their identity. They are working out who they are, their status, qualities, self-view and overall belief system of themselves. So this time is an incredibly important one and a time in which parents need to provide a safe space and guidance.

    If we have half the school coming into our home through online devices, we lose a lot of control and expose our kids to a greater risk of forming an inaccurate self-view. Peer pressure to be a particular person, behave a certain way, is now presented to them in the safety of their home. If this goes badly, home is no longer a safe space.

    As parents, our role is to keep our kids safe, teach them and guide them. Sometimes social media is the direct enemy of this. As if parenting teenagers isn’t hard enough, throw in social media and you have a whole other challenge to work with. Add to this that our kids are usually way more educated around current technology (I often hand my phone to my kids to ‘fix’ if I am stuck) than we are. On top of that, peer group pressure means they ‘need’ this technology. Both for school and so they fit in with perrs. When it comes to teenagers and social media any wonder parents are confused with how to parent.

    I frequently see teenagers who are comparing themselves and their lives with their online friends. We are all aware that most of us post the ‘highlight reel’ of our lives on social media. Even knowing this, teens still take what they see on face value.

    The first risk I see with social media is a distorted view of other people’s lives. Comparing themselves and their life to this then often leaves them feel like they are lacking or not good enough. It is often the first step to kids trying to be someone other than themselves.

    The second risk I see is that anyone can put up just about anything online and it doesn’t need to have any truth to it at all. One of the best examples of this is teen girls following Instagram models and admiring their body and lifestyle and aspiring to this. Unfortunately, whilst there are some genuine people online, there are also plenty of these models with eating disorders.

    I know of a group of teen girls who were obsessively following a particular Instagram model. Trying to diet and exercise as she was telling them she did to get her body. The problem was, this particular model was anorexic and had even admitted to fighting this illness (although not on her account). So we now had a group of teenagers whose idol and inspiration was a mentally ill woman who was creating an unhealthy image for them to aspire to. That’s really hard to parent against.

    The third risk factor I see is the online bullying. As parents we are all aware that this exists but whether it is happening to your own child or not can sometimes be hard to determine. Bullying online can take all forms. A throw away negative comment by someone can be enough to make someone question their own identity or self-worth. Not being invited to social events and then seeing the evidence constantly stream online is a hard one for teens too.

    The fourth risk I see is the push to grow up faster. Our teens are exposed to so much more than we may realise through social media. Group chats, videos, captions and pictures posted can contain plenty of inappropriate material that we wouldn’t otherwise allow our teens to see. In addition to this, kids are talking to each other in more inappropriate and disrespectful ways. It is easier when it isn’t in person to lose sight of normal boundaries.

    The frequency of our young men asking our girls for ‘nudes’ and similarly, girls sending boys inappropriate photos of themselves. Many parents would be horrified to see the amount of this that goes on in some teen circles. Our kids still don’t understand that what they send or forward can not only land them in legal trouble but may stick with them for life. Many parents don’t think this is happening in their area. It is. You just haven’t seen it. There is a ‘code’ they are trying to keep and that includes not sharing this with adults.

    The fifth and final risk is the amount of use these devices get and the health and mental health ramifications. Not only are things like eye sight affected, but mental health, depression, anger, self-esteem and withdrawal from other interests or family are now part of the possible problems you may have to contend with.

    Whilst it is normal for teens to want to spend time in their rooms alone, the amount of time matters. If your teen is not engaged in conversations with you, skipping family time, racing to their room as fast as they can, then you may have a problem. Like anything, technology can become addictive and watching for social media/device addiction is important.

    These are some of the things I see come of social media and teenagers. As a parent, set clearly defined expectations around social media and then try and be diligent in enforcing these expectations. Don’t fall into the trap of giving them access to social media until you believe they are ready and certainly not before they are legally allowed for their age. You aren’t being mean by keeping them safe.

    Talk to your teens, make sure they remain engaged with you and talk about their day. The more you are engaged the easier it will be to notice changes in behaviour and watch for problems. Set restrictions in the amount of time they can be online or in their room. Ensure they are interacting with family.

    Perhaps most importantly, try and form a trust and respect relationship with your teen. If you can create a safe relationship where your teen can tell you of their problems, concerns or mistakes without fear, then you have set yourself into a good space to be their guide and protector. The best role you can have as a parent of a teen.

    If you feel you would like some help then Book a session now.