In relationship counselling we talk about everything to do with relationships. That includes sexual intimacy. It is a topic that some couples are comfortable to talk about openly, but many feel awkward with. In terms of relationship counselling, it is completely normal, and we address this as any other part of relationship work.

For those who haven’t worked with me as part of a couple, the first session is very much an exploration of the relationship and every aspect that impacts the health of the relationship. I get an overall view of what is working well and what areas of the relationship require some attention to create a healthy relationship. I ask questions about communication, conflict, time spent, personal time, all sorts of things. Then I ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for you both? Is it meeting your needs? Occasionally couples will respond saying “yes”! This response is quite rare as sexual intimacy is usually one of the first things in a relationship that starts to decline when the relationship is neglected or has problems.

For most people, they answer that it either isn’t working at all or it isn’t meeting the needs of one person. Most often the male in a heterosexual relationship, but not always. In same sex relationships, usually one partner is also feeling that it isn’t meeting their needs whilst the other is happy enough.

When the sexual intimacy is not good for either, it tends to be more accepted as it isn’t playing a role in the dissatisfaction of the relationship. When it is just one partner, then the problem is magnified for both.

Typically, and I am generalising here, one person will feel that they are not loved, not good enough, not valued, not made a priority or some other negative emotion, if they feel the sex is either not enough, or not wanted by the other party. Duty sex if you will.

The other person tends to feel nagged, pressured, not good enough and not valued for what they do give to the relationship. Sometimes they will feel that everything is about sex.

The reality is that both people still love each other and the reasons underlying the loss of sexual intimacy usually have nothing to do with love, or the lack of. It is not about being not good enough, not attractive enough or not worth it.

Similarly, for the person not wanting sex, it isn’t that your only value is sex, it isn’t that your partner is obsessed, it isn’t that what you do elsewhere in the relationship is not of value.

A loss of sexual intimacy can be incredibly hurtful and very damaging in a relationship, unless both parties understand why and are working to a solution together.

There is no “right” sex. The quality, quantity, how, what, where, are up to each couple and for each person within that relationship to communicate to their partner exactly what their needs are.

And this for me, is the starting point of where this part of a relationship starts to come apart. Couples simply don’t talk about sex enough. There may be high level conversations.

“We need to have sex, it’s been ages”.

“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to do that”.

“I’d like to do something different”.

“We never have sex anymore”.

“All you ever think about is sex”.

These statements are thrown around and sometimes there is a minimal response, sometimes nothing. These statements though, are the start of what needs to be an important conversation.

Start talking about sex!

It is crucial for a healthy relationship to discuss what your needs are and how it makes you feel.

It is completely normal for couples to have mismatched libidos. It is also normal to go through periods where sex isn’t happening much and there is an obvious reason. It is also completely valid to have periods where the intimacy is not as it needs to be, but it needs to be understood and accepted by both people.

Every relationship goes through stages where the sexual intimacy declines, where the time simply isn’t there for the relationship, where both people can’t put into the relationship as they would like to and need to in many ways.

But, it needs to have a healthy conversation around it. It needs to have a plan and a solution discussed. Using an excuse such as health, lack of libido, stress, too busy, these are all valid, but they are not a reason to stop talking and looking for solutions. They are not a full stop.

In a healthy, loving relationship sexual intimacy plays a vital role. Make sure you are having healthy conversations about yours.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

In my last article I spoke about anger and the negative impact it can have in our lives. I had such a big response to that article, that I have decided to follow up with another aspect that I see often in relationships around anger.

This time though, I want to focus on when other people read us as angry when we aren’t angry.

How often have you been asked by your partner, a friend, your kids, “are you angry”, when you quite simply aren’t feeling anger? More often though, these people will “see” that we are angry and respond as they would if we were intentionally showing anger. They will walk away, get ready to defend or ready to attack.

Now if you are not feeling angry, that can be an action that makes no sense to us. Sometimes it can be hurtful.

Let me explain with an example.

I have what we like to refer to as “resting bitch face”. I like to call it “my thinking face.” I dislike cooking. I am not a great cook and find no enjoyment in it. With a large family, it is hard to produce a meal that everyone loves and that is easy for me. Cooking is a chore. A big chore. When I am cooking, I am not angry, but I am usually deep in thought.

Frequently, before my family accepted “my thinking face”, one of them would walk into the kitchen and take one look at my face whilst I was cooking and read “anger”. Now depending on who it was, the reaction would vary.

One would ask why I was angry.

Someone else would turn about and exit as fast as they could.

Someone else would tell me I am angry and then be annoyed themselves.

You get the picture.

I was never angry. I rarely express my feelings with anger, I’m pretty tuned into me as you would hope doing this job. Usually what it was they were reading was one of these:

• Me thinking about what I need to do next in the meal preparation.
• Me thinking about what I haven’t yet done that day and planning.
• Me analysing something in my head that was highly entertaining to me.

When I am in that space, I rarely notice anyone in the room anyway if they enter quietly. I simply was thinking. I wasn’t angry, sad, unhappy. I wasn’t anything negative at all. I was lost in my thoughts.

But to them, I looked angry. And they reacted as though I was. That didn’t feel nice for me. If someone just walked away and left, then I might wonder later on why they were being quiet and think something was wrong for them.

Their incorrect reading of my angry looking thinking face, set the tone for the evening. Not great.

When I realised this was quite common, I addressed it directly with each of them. They now know to ask me, “Are you angry”? And I will respond with an explanation for what they are obviously reading. Our evening then goes along as it should.

I see this with couples and with kids and parents quite a lot. It isn’t always reading the facial expressions incorrectly. Sometimes it is the tone, sometimes it is the volume, sometimes it is just in the delivery being abrupt.

Often, when someone is showing what is read as anger and isn’t, what they may really be feeling is:

• Sad
• Hurt
• Scared
• Confused
• Stressed
• Tired
• Anxious
• And sometimes, like me, they may just be thinking hard.

What do you take from this? Well unless you know for sure that they are angry, and I mean actually know, not just using your mind reading powers, then ask them! Maybe not in the moment. That can be hard to do if you think it is anger. But after, when you feel calm and safe, ask them. Let them know that in that moment, you thought they were angry. Ask them if you read it correctly and if not, what was it they were feeling/thinking.

Learning what is real and what we have imagined can change the whole dynamic of relationships. Any relationship.

Anger doesn’t serve us well. Even worse when we aren’t angry but get labelled as that. Something to consider in your relationships.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling