This is an interesting question and one that was posed recently by a client. Most of us just assume we are working in and on our relationship with our partner. When it works, we feel justified in what we are doing. When it doesn’t, we usually blame the other person.

What if, a healthy relationship is a learned skill? Who then actually takes the time to learn this skill? Not many of us really. Not until it isn’t working.

When you stop to think about it, a relationship requires us to know how to communicate well and so we need excellent communication skills. It also requires us to understand what makes our partner happy and we need to learn this. Most of us just assume that we already know this and don’t ask the questions to really get down to the basics of what makes your partner tick. We also need to learn time management which might sound strange but we need to always manage our time so there is time for the relationship.

Relationships require financial skills how do we manage our money together how do we find a way that works for both of us?

A relationship means we need to learn how to have our individual time and what that looks like. Too many people give up this part of themselves in a relationship and lose their identity. Hard to have a relationship with somebody who has lost their identity.

A relationship requires patience have you learned the skill of patience yet?

A relationship requires a mostly mentally healthy individual. Self-insight, the ability to take responsibility for your part in the relationship and a willingness to learn.

If you have children, then your relationship requires you to learn how to raise a human and become an expert in human behaviour.

All of these skills and many more are required to have a healthy relationship and yet none of us see that our intentions are not enough. We need to learn the skill of how to have a healthy relationship.

So, we get back to the question of what makes a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships can be many things and in fact for me it seems to be on a spectrum where parts that wouldn’t be tolerable for one couple are very comfortable for another. For example, some couples are happy to have raised voices and solve arguments in the moment with elevated volumes and this works for them. Other couples would be horrified by this form of communication and would see this as a bad relationship.

These are some of the things I see in healthy relationships:

• The ability to listen to your partner without reacting defensively or attacking. To actually listen for what your partner is trying to say and hear what they need. Listening to learn, not listening to react.
• Knowing who you are and being your authentic self. And, having your partner celebrate who you are. Do you get to be yourself in your relationship?
• This is super important and is very subjective to every individual and every couple. Do you have enough individual time to fill up on who you are? Is the relationship being given priority in daily life and given the time it needs?
• This is not something we do well. Usually if we don’t get it, if it doesn’t make sense to us, then we don’t accept it. Often, we just need to accept something about our partner or a need they have.
• Well obviously. But there is a big difference between knowing your partner loves you and feeling loved by your partner. Do you even know what makes your partner feel loved? The tiny little things that make a difference in them feeling loved by you. Show love. Every single day.
• Honesty and trust. What does this look like? It means you trust your partner if they are home late that they aren’t doing something bad. You trust that your partner will do the right thing for you and the relationship. You trust that you will be there for each other in the bad moments. You can go through each other’s phone any time you need but you never need to.
• You feel safe. Safe physically is a given. But also, safe to talk about anything you need to and safe to make mistakes in the relationship.
• Physical and sexual intimacy. No set rules here on the quantity of these things. The quality matters but also you both need to feel there is enough for you to feel loved. Couples can have very different needs and a healthy relationship we care about what our partner needs and work together to make sure both people are happy in this area.

These are some of the areas that you need to check in on and see if you have them covered.

An example of a healthy relationship. This is a pretend story with Aria and Max.

Aria is extroverted and loves to be around people. Max is more introverted, and work fills him up for the most part for his social needs. Max knows Aria needs more social time and encourages her to do what she needs so she can still be her. She plays organised sports twice a week, sees her girlfriends once a week and will usually stay at work for a function once a fortnight. Max will go and watch her play her sports sometimes and cheer her on. Max enjoys the quiet time at home playing his guitar and chatting to friends about music. Aria will sit with him sometimes when he is playing and just keep him company. Both organise different dates and experiences to share. Aria plans camping trips knowing that is what Max loves and Max will organise a night in the city for them to see a show together as he knows she loves that.

They are busy with work but check in with each other during the day via text to let each other know they are thinking about them. If someone has an accident, the other drops everything and goes to help. They are each other’s first priority when things are difficult.

Aria is very affectionate and Max not so much, but he has learned what she likes and will snuggle with her in bed before they go to sleep. Aria then lets him have his space, knowing he loves her but likes to sleep in space.

Most evenings they will try and have a chat about their day and download to each other. If they can’t, they will still check in. They make dedicated time once a week to really have a good catchup. At this time, they let each other know the small things that have bothered them. They have become good at listening and getting curious to work out how to navigate whatever the issue is, so they have a good outcome for the relationship.

Max is really into his fitness. He gets up early for a run and Aria accepts his alarm will wake her too but it is important to him, so she doesn’t complain about it. Max makes Aria a cup of coffee when he gets back from his run and has it waiting for her when she gets up.

They are both looking out for things that will make the other happy. They think about each other a lot. Aria will buy him a new piece of music equipment she knows he has had his eye on but didn’t get around to buying. Max knows Aria loves her nights with her friends and will suggest she go out and he will pick her up later.

They are good friends.

They accept each other. They are each other’s cheerleader. They get to be them. They feed the relationship every day in small ways. They communicate well around anything that comes up in their relationship.

They are always kind to each other, even when they feel hurt.

This is one variation on a healthy relationship. These relationships typically don’t just occur with no effort. Healthy relationships take work.

This relationship might sound make believe but it is completely possible. It takes personal growth and awareness and the desire to learn about your relationship and practice the relationship skills until they become habit.

If you read this and realise that your relationship might not be as healthy as it could be, don’t despair. Acknowledging that change is needed is the first step.

Are you ready to create a healthy relationship?

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman.

I know quite a few lawyers. Family members, friends and clients. What they are all good at and practise every day, is ignoring the emotion around a subject and getting down to the facts. Nobody wants a lawyer who is caught up in why someone is sad, angry, upset or hurt. What they want, is a lawyer who can cut through the emotional layers and deal in the facts. Just the logic. Who is right, who is wrong, and most importantly, who has the most evidence to prove their position.

If you are standing in a courtroom, you are there to prove your point. To win.

My job as a marriage counsellor is pretty much the opposite of a lawyer. I care about the emotions; I care about what someone is feeling and why. I am curious about that. Then I look for solutions with them.

In many relationships, we don’t get curious. We act like we are in the courtroom. My counselling room can sound like a courtroom as couples throw logic back and forth at each other. Each trying to educate and prove to their partner, their logic and why they are right. They argue and provide evidence.

This is perfect in the courtroom. This is a disaster in a relationship.

Logic matters. Of course there are the facts of a situation. But in a relationship, there is also the emotion and emotional investments from each partner that we need to consider.

Sometimes, the emotion around a fact is more important than the fact itself in a relationship.

Couples need to get curious about each other. Instead of focusing on who was “right” and throwing logic back and forth at each other, start to ask questions about what it means to the other person.

If you find that you are often arguing over small things in your relationship, then this is likely happening in your relationship.

Let me give you an example.

The shoes in the hallway problem. I actually hear this very issue reasonably frequently in the counselling room.

Partner 1 likes shoes to be left stacked in the shoe rack. Partner 2 doesn’t care about the shoe rack or where the shoes are placed. In fact, partner 2 likes to kick off their shoes in the entry way when they walk in to either pick up later or put back on when they leave.

In a marriage counselling session and an often-repeated argument at home, the couple are going back and forth about:

• why the shoes need to be in the shoe rack,
• why the shoes need to be left in the entry way,
• why the shoes in the entry way are convenient and out of the way,
• why the shoe rack is annoying,
• why the shoe rack is more ordered and hygienic.

All very logical, factual arguments and all “right” depending on your personal view of this. Realistically, the shoes are a minor problem – in a logical sense. Some people really don’t care that much where the shoes go. Some people have exactly the same ideas of where the shoes should go.

And some people are really invested in where the shoes go, and it matters to them.

Partner 1 grew up in a very ordered home and would be given a lot of grief from the parents if things weren’t orderly. They learned that the best way to not “be in trouble” was to put their shoes away. When they moved out alone, it was a natural habit they continued and doing anything else would be uncomfortable for them.

Is this ok? Who knows. But unless Partner 1 wants to address this and see if it is something they are willing to shift because it is a problem in their life, then it is what it is. The shoes being in the rack has an emotional meaning for them and it matters to them. The “why” might be understandable. The “why” might seem silly.

But, it matters to partner 1.

Partner 2 doesn’t care about the shoes. Partner 2 is easy going, grew up in a home where order was second to comfort and there is no thought applied to where the shoes go or what the placement means. Partner 2 doesn’t even give a thought to kicking off shoes when walking in the door.

Partner 1 asks partner 2 repeatedly to put the shoes in the rack. Partner 2 thinks this is stupid and says so.

And so the logic warfare begins. Nobody wins. Nobody can win. They’re both right. The relationship loses.

I have seen this logic warfare destroy relationships. Unless we are willing to be interested in what matters to our partner, what they are emotionally attached to, we are on a fast way to building resentment in the relationship.

Partner 2 has no idea that the shoes, which have zero meaning and could with no effort, be placed in the shoe rack, are going to be a straw in the pile that one day might break the relationship.

What would we see in a healthy relationship?

Curiosity and acceptance. Partner 1 keeps asking for the shoes to be moved and seems to be very upset when they aren’t. This is generally a good clue that is has some meaning. Ask the question!

“You seem to be really bothered by the shoes in the entry way, does it have some meaning to you, or does it really matter to you in some way”?

What an awesome gift that is to Partner 1 to hear that there is interest in this minor thing.

Maybe Partner 1 doesn’t really know why the shoes matter, and maybe they do. What matters is that they give a real answer and then take the opportunity offered to explore this with their partner.

“I don’t know why it matters to me, but it really does. I don’t care if you leave your jacket hanging on the rail. Well, I do but not as much. But the shoes really matter to me”.

This conversation can continue until there is either understanding or simple acceptance of the need. Partner 2 now has the power to make a healthy choice for the relationship and meet the need of the other. The shoes will now go in the rack or at least, every effort will be made to get the shoes in the rack.

Partner 2 loses nothing. Partner 1 feels loved and heard.

The relationship wins.

Whether it is shoes or something else seemingly minor or major. Stop with the logic warfare and learn what things mean to each of you and then try and find a solution so that the relationship wins.

If the relationship wins, both partners win. Sounds like a good victory to me.

As always, here if you need.