As an experienced marriage counsellor in the Hills District working in my local area, I often see on social media and hear from people around the area, that they are vaguely unhappy in their relationship. There is nothing “actively” wrong with their relationship. There is no abuse, their partner is a good parent, they mostly work well as a team. But the relationship isn’t fun anymore. They don’t feel connected, they don’t feel in love, they’re going through the motions. Their relationship is boring.

People are asking, “Is this enough”? “Is being in a relationship that isn’t fun what they should settle for”?

Maybe rather than ask if we should stay or leave, we should be asking “How to we make this relationship fun again”?

So many couples are focused on making sure they have good communication and learn how to solve conflict. Awesome, we need these skills to have a healthy relationship. But that is a bare minimum. Learning how to talk well and not fight needs to be a baseline for a healthy relationship to be built on. Loving the relationship, having fun with it, feeling connected, those things that first drew you to this relationship, those things matter. Those are the things that make the relationship enjoyable and not just functional.

How do we get the fun back in our relationship?

1. Make the relationship the priority. Shift something in the week to make sure the relationship gets time. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a healthy relationship and have fun with my partner than have a perfectly presented shower. Sure, I want my shower clean, I am hygienic and like a clean space. But I also like my relationship. So, if it means I don’t clean the shower this Saturday and instead go shoot my partner at Paintball (or get shot in the back by him!) and give the shower a basic clean during the week, then that’s a win for me. My relationship being fun and fulfilling is going to make me much happier than a perfect shower cubicle. Whatever it is, shift something to make time. When our kids were younger, we would move a small outdoor table into our bedroom, grab a bottle of wine and a cheese platter, set the kids up with a movie and pizza and have date night in our room. Some music, a dance, some good laughs as we acted like teens hiding out in our room. We don’t always need babysitters to get date night.
2. Have fun doing chores. Boring huh? Well, if the only time we have is chore time and I’m weeding the yard and he’s washing the car, that sounds boring and a waste of potential quality time. Now if we wash the car together, we can get some music going, have a laugh, some banter and get the boring chores done too. Divide and conquer doesn’t work well in relationships.
3. Plan ahead. Every couple I have worked with over the years, and that is in the hundreds of couples, thousands of people, want date night but don’t plan it. Guess what, a want without a plan is just a dream! Plan it. Put it in the calendar or better still, prebook and pay. Amazing how motivated we can be when we have already paid for it.
4. Bring the banter back. I bet when you were dating you contacted each other during the day. I imagine there were flirty texts, jokes, emojis, plans, phone calls to check in, compliments, words of love. What do you have now in the way of this? Use your dating time as a template and start to get that spark back.
5. Prioritise each other’s happiness. Do things the other person likes because it makes them happy. Making each other happy is a great way to find connection. I love kayaking. My partner who is scared of nothing in life except sharks, comes paddling with me. He’s quietly terrified most of the time but he makes it happen because he knows I love it. I in turn watch his sports with him even though most of the time I have no interest. I show interest because it makes him happy and I am interested in that. What can you do to make your partner happy to be them?

Healthy relationships are more than good communication. They are about making it fun to be with each other. It will take effort to put these things back in place but it’s better than living in space of “should I stay or should I go”!

If you get stuck, reach out for some relationship guidance and coaching.

As always, here if you need.