Communication Basics

 

Communication is essentially the sending and receiving of messages between people. While it sounds like a really simple thing to do most couples I work with get it wrong and this often forms the basis for relationship problems. When we speak to each other, there are a number of different signals that we are giving and receiving, including the words spoken, the tone used and the facial and body language expressed.

A strong relationship is made up of many things but despite this, if the communication is not effective, then at times of stress or when there are important issues to discuss it can all fall apart due to mixed messages. Improve your communication and you will undoubtedly improve your relationship and often other parts of your life too.

The following points can help you to communicate effectively

 

Listen and don’t interrupt

Alright so we all know this, but most people are listening with one ear and busy forming their response at the same time. This means that in all likelihood you are missing vital parts of the message being sent. The likely results are that you miss the message and respond inappropriately, which then goes back and forth and generally results in a disagreement or at best a result that one person isn’t pleased with. Often a fight erupts as you both speak over each other and nothing is solved as you didn’t actually hear what the other person was trying to say.

To fix this, simply remain silent. Really pay attention to what the other person is saying and then when you are sure of the message intended, respond. Take turns and be respectful of what your partner is trying to say even though you may not agree.

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Stay on topic

Often when couples fight they start discussing one issue and then throw in another and another. Eventually nobody really knows what they are fighting about. This is often used to win the argument or deflect attention from the problem raised.

Whatever issue is up for discussion, stick with it and don’t move to another topic until it has been resolved. If your partner brings up a different subject, gently remind them that you are speaking about the current topic and can discuss the issue they have raised afterwards if they would like to.

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Pay attention to body language

Did you know that most of our communication is believed to be through body language, facial expression and tone, not through the words themselves? That’s one of the reasons text messages cause so many fights amongst couples (and friends). Often a message is interpreted as a negative communication when it wasn’t intended that way, because so many important factors are missing from the message being sent.

When you talk to your partner about a problem, pay attention to the body language, facial expressions and tone of both you and your partner. Make sure you keep your tone even and calm. This alone can sometimes stop an argument from erupting. If your tone is rising, you may as well stop talking because it just became less effective communication.

Watch what messages you are sending through your facial expressions. If you aren’t angry make sure your facial expressions reflect this.

Again, with your body language, make sure it is sending the same message as the words you are using. Stay turned towards your partner, keep your body relaxed and stay on the same level physically. This is especially important for men, as women may at times view a strong, tense stance as threatening.

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Maintain Physical Contact

If possible try and have some physical contact with your partner when you are talking about something serious, as it can help to maintain a link between you and keep the discussion calm. Hold hands or put a hand on the others arm or knee gently. It’s much harder to argue when you are showing some form of affection.

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Use a ‘Checkout’ Statement

Often the message we think we are sending is not clear to the other person and they assume a different message. It is clear in your head but not necessarily clear to your partner what you are trying to say. Mixed messages fly back and forth and you may be arguing over nothing at all.

Use a ‘checkout’ statement. This is a really important aspect of communication. If your partner says something that you don’t agree with, seems hurtful or you are just not sure of – ask them. A lot of the time just doing this can allow your partner to clarify the message and you are then responding to the right message. To do this, say something like: “So what you are saying is that….”? Or “what I am hearing you say is ….”. Use your own words to describe what you have heard them say. Your partner can then agree with the statement you have made or state that is not what they are trying to convey and restate their message.

This sounds really simple but is a really effective way of reducing incorrect messages and improving communication.

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Try and see each others point of view

We all have our own perceptions of how life should be based on our own beliefs and experiences. That doesn’t mean it is always right for your partner.

If you are on opposing sides of a discussion, try and listen to what it means to your partner. Try and imagine yourself in their position. How would you feel? Having empathy and being able to accept that your partners feelings and thoughts are valid even if they are different to yours can go a long way to solving disputes. Ask them to explain what it means to them. You don’t always need to agree, but you can accept each others point of view and work together from there.

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Accept responsibility

In arguments you may often find that you are defending your actions and explaining why. This is often an attempt to get the other person to see the reason and then leave the discussion alone.

If you have done something (or not done something) which has upset your partner, rather than trying to defend it, accept responsibility. Say sorry. This sounds easy but many people struggle with it. It can go a long way to stopping an argument, calming a situation and keeping harmony in your relationship. You can always explain your actions but an apology or acceptance of responsibility first helps.

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Learn to compromise

Every issue that you come across with your partner does not have just a two-sided component. You don’t need to stick with your point just because it was yours!

If you disagree on an issue, work together as a team to resolve it effectively. Discuss it and make sure you understand the issue. Work out what it means to your partner, express what it means to you, and then work out the outcomes of each option. Once you have all of the information it will become clear if there is an easy option. If there isn’t, then you need to work on a compromise. Work together to try and find a solution that works for both of you. This isn’t about winning or losing but putting the relationship first and finding the best outcome for it.

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Take Time-Out

At times you may find that a discussion is starting to get heated or may just be going around in circles.

If this happens, take time-out. State to your partner that you need a break from the conversation and will come back to it later (don’t just run out). Take the time to calm down and if necessary go for a walk or do another activity until you are ready to address the issue again. Make sure you do return to the subject. A healthy relationship is one that is able to work through important issues and find a resolution.

If you find that you are unable to resolve issues effectively, don’t leave them as they have a tendency to build over time. The best time to get help for your relationship is when there are small problems. These can be easily addressed with some help.

If you would like to learn more about learning good communication skills, give me a call or if you prefer, make an appointment through the online booking option. Good luck and let me know if you found this helpful.

Need help creating a healthy relationship?

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As an experienced marriage counsellor in the Hills District working in my local area, I often see on social media and hear from people around the area, that they are vaguely unhappy in their relationship. There is nothing “actively” wrong with their relationship. There is no abuse, their partner is a good parent, they mostly work well as a team. But the relationship isn’t fun anymore. They don’t feel connected, they don’t feel in love, they’re going through the motions. Their relationship is boring.

People are asking, “Is this enough”? “Is being in a relationship that isn’t fun what they should settle for”?

Maybe rather than ask if we should stay or leave, we should be asking “How to we make this relationship fun again”?

So many couples are focused on making sure they have good communication and learn how to solve conflict. Awesome, we need these skills to have a healthy relationship. But that is a bare minimum. Learning how to talk well and not fight needs to be a baseline for a healthy relationship to be built on. Loving the relationship, having fun with it, feeling connected, those things that first drew you to this relationship, those things matter. Those are the things that make the relationship enjoyable and not just functional.

How do we get the fun back in our relationship?

1. Make the relationship the priority. Shift something in the week to make sure the relationship gets time. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a healthy relationship and have fun with my partner than have a perfectly presented shower. Sure, I want my shower clean, I am hygienic and like a clean space. But I also like my relationship. So, if it means I don’t clean the shower this Saturday and instead go shoot my partner at Paintball (or get shot in the back by him!) and give the shower a basic clean during the week, then that’s a win for me. My relationship being fun and fulfilling is going to make me much happier than a perfect shower cubicle. Whatever it is, shift something to make time. When our kids were younger, we would move a small outdoor table into our bedroom, grab a bottle of wine and a cheese platter, set the kids up with a movie and pizza and have date night in our room. Some music, a dance, some good laughs as we acted like teens hiding out in our room. We don’t always need babysitters to get date night.
2. Have fun doing chores. Boring huh? Well, if the only time we have is chore time and I’m weeding the yard and he’s washing the car, that sounds boring and a waste of potential quality time. Now if we wash the car together, we can get some music going, have a laugh, some banter and get the boring chores done too. Divide and conquer doesn’t work well in relationships.
3. Plan ahead. Every couple I have worked with over the years, and that is in the hundreds of couples, thousands of people, want date night but don’t plan it. Guess what, a want without a plan is just a dream! Plan it. Put it in the calendar or better still, prebook and pay. Amazing how motivated we can be when we have already paid for it.
4. Bring the banter back. I bet when you were dating you contacted each other during the day. I imagine there were flirty texts, jokes, emojis, plans, phone calls to check in, compliments, words of love. What do you have now in the way of this? Use your dating time as a template and start to get that spark back.
5. Prioritise each other’s happiness. Do things the other person likes because it makes them happy. Making each other happy is a great way to find connection. I love kayaking. My partner who is scared of nothing in life except sharks, comes paddling with me. He’s quietly terrified most of the time but he makes it happen because he knows I love it. I in turn watch his sports with him even though most of the time I have no interest. I show interest because it makes him happy and I am interested in that. What can you do to make your partner happy to be them?

Healthy relationships are more than good communication. They are about making it fun to be with each other. It will take effort to put these things back in place but it’s better than living in space of “should I stay or should I go”!

If you get stuck, reach out for some relationship guidance and coaching.

As always, here if you need.

As a marriage counsellor, one of the main areas I help couples with is the challenge to communicate around conflict. We all seem to be able to communicate well with friends and work colleagues, why then, do we struggle to feel heard with our partner?

There are many reasons we struggle to have good communication in our relationships but today, we are going to focus on how to hear our partner.

One of the most important aspects of communication in relationships, is listening with curiosity and trying to understand what your partner is trying to communicate. Sounds simple. It is. Until they are saying something negative about us. Then it is perhaps one of the biggest challenges we face in a relationship.

Even for me, as a marriage counsellor, it can be challenging in my own relationship to hear what my partner is telling me when I feel like I want to have my say and explain or defend myself.

If your partner needs to present an issue to you, that involves you, what you need to practice is hearing. Listen, acknowledge, ask questions, summarise to see you have the right message. Don’t defend. Don’t explain. Don’t stonewall. Don’t attack.

Sounds easy. It’s just listening right?

Listening in a relationship is a learned skill. Very rarely do I meet a couple who do this well naturally. But the good news is that it can be learned.

Learn how to communicate about the issues and your relationship can conquer pretty much anything.

How do we listen well?

1. Listen without interrupting. Look like you are listening, pay attention. The same as you would if someone at work was speaking to you.
2. Acknowledge what your partner has said to you. You may not agree, it might not make sense, it might feel hurtful. You still need to acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you bad, and it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.
3. Ask questions if you need to in order to understand more fully what they are trying to express. Check back with them if you have heard right. Be curious as to what they are feeling.
4. Summarise what your partner has said, make sure you got the meaning of the message and what they are feeling.

I get couples to do this exercise in marriage counselling sessions. We go through the steps and what is needed and then I ask them to talk to each other over something minor that is bothering them. In couples therapy, they have then benefit of a counsellor helping to guide this communication.

As they speak to each other, almost always, the person who is listening will either interrupt, give their perspective, defend themselves or attack back. It’s our natural instinct to protect ourselves and explain why we aren’t wrong.

The problem that we always encounter is that factually, both individuals are usually right. What this means, is that couples start to talk as though they are in a court room. Sounds familiar?

You can both be right. Different perspectives of the same situation are valid. But if one person has raised an issue, then they feel it matters to them and we need to know why.

Here is an example of a couple getting stuck in the logic warfare conflict.

Max: “I don’t like it when I am disciplining the kids and you interrupt and take over”.

Jane: “I do that because you are too loud and they don’t like it so I have to step in”.

Max: “I don’t think I’m too loud, you yell more that I do”.

Jane: “No I don’t. I spend way more time with them than you do”.

Max: “That’s because I’m working to support us. You can go to work if you want and I’ll stay home”.

Jane: “I hate it when you say that, we decided I would stay home and you always hold it against me”.

Max: “No I don’t. I’m just trying to tell you to let me parent when I am here and you won’t”.

Jane: “I’m the one that knows them best, I spend all my time here and they don’t like you yelling”.

Max: “I’m not yelling”.

I could go on and on with this dialogue and in fact, this sort of communication happens all the time at the start of couples counselling until I interrupt and get us back on track.

In this communication, Max feels undermined with his parenting and Jane justifies instead of listening. They then change subjects and end up airing all sorts of grievances. Nobody feels heard. Nothing is solved. They end up feeling hurt by each other.

This is a typical communication style with couples, and it can be changed.

Here is an example of this communication going well.

Max: “I don’t like it when I am disciplining the kids and you interrupt and take over”.

Jane: “I’m sorry Max, I didn’t realise you felt I was doing that”.

Max: “Yes, any time I am trying to get them to listen, you jump in and start talking to them. It looks like you’re in charge and I don’t matter”.

Jane: “That makes sense, I didn’t look at it like that. You don’t want me to say anything when you are talking to them”?

Max: “I only step in with them when I feel like they are disrespecting you and I don’t like it. I’m trying to protect you and then it looks like you are on their side, and I’m left out”.

Jane: “Oh that’s so lovely that you are trying to look after me. When you step in and get loud with them, you think they have disrespected me, and you are trying to help is that right”?

From here, Max will feel heard. Jane can then present her perspective and if Max also listens well, they can then go on to solve it together.

I can’t stress enough how hard this communication is to do. I get couples doing this is session and as a couple’s therapist, it feels really nice for me when they start to really hear each other well and have effective communication. I will often step in to give a gentle nudge if someone starts defending or attacking, but as they practise, they naturally get better at it.

Listening to negatives in your relationship is hard. Healthy communication when you are part of the “problem” is hard. There are often two very different but real perspectives of a situation in a relationship. Hearing your partners perspective doesn’t make yours wrong.

Couples who learn this skill can solve just about anything in their relationship.

It is a skill worth learning. Good luck!

Need help? Book a session to practise communication with a couples therapist here.

 

This is an interesting question and one that was posed recently by a client. Most of us just assume we are working in and on our relationship with our partner. When it works, we feel justified in what we are doing. When it doesn’t, we usually blame the other person.

What if, a healthy relationship is a learned skill? Who then actually takes the time to learn this skill? Not many of us really. Not until it isn’t working.

When you stop to think about it, a relationship requires us to know how to communicate well and so we need excellent communication skills. It also requires us to understand what makes our partner happy and we need to learn this. Most of us just assume that we already know this and don’t ask the questions to really get down to the basics of what makes your partner tick. We also need to learn time management which might sound strange but we need to always manage our time so there is time for the relationship.

Relationships require financial skills how do we manage our money together how do we find a way that works for both of us?

A relationship means we need to learn how to have our individual time and what that looks like. Too many people give up this part of themselves in a relationship and lose their identity. Hard to have a relationship with somebody who has lost their identity.

A relationship requires patience have you learned the skill of patience yet?

A relationship requires a mostly mentally healthy individual. Self-insight, the ability to take responsibility for your part in the relationship and a willingness to learn.

If you have children, then your relationship requires you to learn how to raise a human and become an expert in human behaviour.

All of these skills and many more are required to have a healthy relationship and yet none of us see that our intentions are not enough. We need to learn the skill of how to have a healthy relationship.

So, we get back to the question of what makes a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships can be many things and in fact for me it seems to be on a spectrum where parts that wouldn’t be tolerable for one couple are very comfortable for another. For example, some couples are happy to have raised voices and solve arguments in the moment with elevated volumes and this works for them. Other couples would be horrified by this form of communication and would see this as a bad relationship.

These are some of the things I see in healthy relationships:

• The ability to listen to your partner without reacting defensively or attacking. To actually listen for what your partner is trying to say and hear what they need. Listening to learn, not listening to react.
• Knowing who you are and being your authentic self. And, having your partner celebrate who you are. Do you get to be yourself in your relationship?
• This is super important and is very subjective to every individual and every couple. Do you have enough individual time to fill up on who you are? Is the relationship being given priority in daily life and given the time it needs?
• This is not something we do well. Usually if we don’t get it, if it doesn’t make sense to us, then we don’t accept it. Often, we just need to accept something about our partner or a need they have.
• Well obviously. But there is a big difference between knowing your partner loves you and feeling loved by your partner. Do you even know what makes your partner feel loved? The tiny little things that make a difference in them feeling loved by you. Show love. Every single day.
• Honesty and trust. What does this look like? It means you trust your partner if they are home late that they aren’t doing something bad. You trust that your partner will do the right thing for you and the relationship. You trust that you will be there for each other in the bad moments. You can go through each other’s phone any time you need but you never need to.
• You feel safe. Safe physically is a given. But also, safe to talk about anything you need to and safe to make mistakes in the relationship.
• Physical and sexual intimacy. No set rules here on the quantity of these things. The quality matters but also you both need to feel there is enough for you to feel loved. Couples can have very different needs and a healthy relationship we care about what our partner needs and work together to make sure both people are happy in this area.

These are some of the areas that you need to check in on and see if you have them covered.

An example of a healthy relationship. This is a pretend story with Aria and Max.

Aria is extroverted and loves to be around people. Max is more introverted, and work fills him up for the most part for his social needs. Max knows Aria needs more social time and encourages her to do what she needs so she can still be her. She plays organised sports twice a week, sees her girlfriends once a week and will usually stay at work for a function once a fortnight. Max will go and watch her play her sports sometimes and cheer her on. Max enjoys the quiet time at home playing his guitar and chatting to friends about music. Aria will sit with him sometimes when he is playing and just keep him company. Both organise different dates and experiences to share. Aria plans camping trips knowing that is what Max loves and Max will organise a night in the city for them to see a show together as he knows she loves that.

They are busy with work but check in with each other during the day via text to let each other know they are thinking about them. If someone has an accident, the other drops everything and goes to help. They are each other’s first priority when things are difficult.

Aria is very affectionate and Max not so much, but he has learned what she likes and will snuggle with her in bed before they go to sleep. Aria then lets him have his space, knowing he loves her but likes to sleep in space.

Most evenings they will try and have a chat about their day and download to each other. If they can’t, they will still check in. They make dedicated time once a week to really have a good catchup. At this time, they let each other know the small things that have bothered them. They have become good at listening and getting curious to work out how to navigate whatever the issue is, so they have a good outcome for the relationship.

Max is really into his fitness. He gets up early for a run and Aria accepts his alarm will wake her too but it is important to him, so she doesn’t complain about it. Max makes Aria a cup of coffee when he gets back from his run and has it waiting for her when she gets up.

They are both looking out for things that will make the other happy. They think about each other a lot. Aria will buy him a new piece of music equipment she knows he has had his eye on but didn’t get around to buying. Max knows Aria loves her nights with her friends and will suggest she go out and he will pick her up later.

They are good friends.

They accept each other. They are each other’s cheerleader. They get to be them. They feed the relationship every day in small ways. They communicate well around anything that comes up in their relationship.

They are always kind to each other, even when they feel hurt.

This is one variation on a healthy relationship. These relationships typically don’t just occur with no effort. Healthy relationships take work.

This relationship might sound make believe but it is completely possible. It takes personal growth and awareness and the desire to learn about your relationship and practice the relationship skills until they become habit.

If you read this and realise that your relationship might not be as healthy as it could be, don’t despair. Acknowledging that change is needed is the first step.

Are you ready to create a healthy relationship?

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman.

 

Working as a marriage counsellor for over 15 years I have been given amazing insights into what makes for a healthy relationship (or not!). Education in this area is obviously a must but actively working with couples is an education like no other. I have spent countless hours learning about people and what makes for a healthy relationship.

There are some of the small habits or skills which all couples who have successful relationships seem to have in common. Ten of these are outlined below and all are easy to include in your relationship. If you don’t have them, then take the time to learn them. It is an investment in your relationship and your future. These are just some of the things we may look at in relationship counselling sessions.

• Look for something positive in each other every day and tell your partner. At the start of the relationship, couples naturally do this but as time goes on and you become familiar and comfortable, you start to focus on the negative things.

There are probably a whole lot of things your partner does each day that are positive, but you will often only point out the negatives to them. This doesn’t make anybody feel good and makes you really aware of what is wrong with the relationship, not what is right. I’m not suggesting you ignore problems, just don’t make your relationship a problem focused one. The more you look for the good, the better you both feel about each other.

• Don’t try and fix each other. For men, when women start telling their partner about problems in their day, men tend to try and solve these problems when what they are really after is someone to vent to. They want to be heard, acknowledged and this alone often makes them feel better. If they want your advice, they will ask for it, otherwise, just try and listen to them, show interest and be empathetic if needed.

Women often like to ‘fix’ their partners. Men are happy with who they are and want their partner to be happy with them too. For women, trying to guide their partner and fix them in various ways is a loving gesture to show they care, but what it says to men is that they are not good enough as they are. If you want him to feel loved, let him be him, quirks and all. As for women, if he wants your help he will ask for it.

• Decide what you can accept and what needs to change in the relationship for you to be happy. I like to divide issues in a relationship into 3 categories.

The ‘Dealbreakers’ – these are the things that you agree will in all probability, end your relationship.  Often for people it is things like abuse or continuous affairs but it can be anything that you feel you won’t be able to accept in a partner. Make sure you discuss these together so you both have respect for each other’s needs.

The ‘Needs Adjustment’ – these are issues that are not going to end the relationship, but need to change in order for you to be happy and live with it. These often include things like how to manage money, resolve conflict and meet each other’s individual needs. It often includes small things that seem insignificant to one partner but can have a lot of meaning to the other. Spend some time talking these through and looking for solutions that will work for both of you.

The last category is the ‘Acceptable’ – these are things that perhaps irritate but are not worth trying to change. They are often small irritating habits of your partner that don’t really affect the relationship or how you feel about yourself in any way. For these items, it is best to accept that if it isn’t worth trying to change, then it isn’t worth mentioning. If you’ve decided to accept it, then put it aside and don’t raise it.

• Place importance on meeting your partner’s needs. Usually couples place differing levels of importance on things in the relationship. There is a belief that if it isn’t important to me, then no matter how much you bring it up, I don’t believe it is important and therefore won’t bother with it.

It is really important to listen to your partner carefully and take on board what it means to them rather than dismissing it because it means little to you. If it is important to them and you can meet that need, then do it, even if you feel it is not that big a deal.

Often it is these small things that we dismiss with each other than can break a relationship. Issues such as not returning calls in a reasonable time or allowing your partner ‘down time’ after work are things that come up often in couples counselling. These seem minor but can create a lot of resentment over time of not addressed.

Sometimes that tea spoon on the kitchen bench has a lot of meaning to one person!

• Show your partner they are important to you by greeting them at the end of every day with a hug as the first thing you do when you come together. This may sound silly, but many people raise this as an issue, that they don’t feel like a priority when their partner doesn’t come to them to acknowledge them as soon as they get home. Make sure you are both doing this, not placing the expectation on one person to always seek out the other. It is often the small gestures like this that help hold a relationship together.

• Ask for what you need in a positive way. Often when couples want something from their partner, they will phrase it as a negative. Things like, “You never call me to tell me you are going to be late”. Fair enough, you would like a phone call to state this, but making it a negative accusation makes your partner feel they need to defend themselves rather than try and meet your need.

Saying something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you would call me to let me know if you are going to be late. I know sometimes you can’t help being late but I would really like you to let me know. Would you do that”? This statement is much more likely to get your partner to want to call you and meet that need. Sometimes it may need a gentle reminder, but ask, don’t accuse.

• Allow your partner to have their interests. In a healthy relationship, both partners will have their own interests or hobbies and it is important to keep doing these things for yourself while in a relationship. Often couples will feel that their partner is neglecting them if they choose to do an activity on their own and this causes conflict. As long as there is some balance, it is important to support your partner in following their own interests and allow them that time. That way you both come back to each other refreshed and with more interest to communicate. Be your partner’s cheerleader. They will appreciate you for it.

• Keep the intimacy alive. After the honeymoon period, couples often find that their sexual drives are not aligned and this is a big source of conflict for many people. Be aware that this is a really important part of your relationship and you need to work together to find a balance that works for both of you.

Be respectful of your needs and that of your partner and keep the communication open about this. Be careful not to be dismissive about this if it doesn’t feel important to you. Chances are it could eventually be a dealbreaker to your partner if it is not fixed. If it is raised as an issue, pay attention to it.

• Have some common interests. Just as it is important to have individual interests, it is equally important to have some interests that you like to pursue together. This helps to create together time that is not just hanging around the house doing chores, but enjoyable.

If you don’t currently have an activity together, find one. Try different things until you find something that works. Creating happy memories together as a couple can help to get you through any tough times that you come across.

• Be aware that family time and couple time are two different things. When kids come along, there is often a move towards doing everything that is family focused. This is great for creating a strong family unit, but it takes away from the relationship between partners.

Many couples will recount things they do together as their activities, when in fact the whole family is involved so it is not couple time but family time. Your relationship still needs attention away from the children so make sure you find the time to work this in.

Many couples come to relationship counselling thinking that they have huge obstacles to overcome in order to make their relationship a fulfilling one. While this is sometimes true, often it is a combination of these small things that make for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Try and makes some positive changes starting today and watch for positive results.

Relationships are work. But, they can be FUN work.

Good Luck!

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

One of the benefits of marriage counselling is that during sessions, you have your counsellor to help you hear each other correctly and listen for any miscommunications. Frequently in relationships we hear what we think we hear, not what the other person is actually trying to say.

Let me explain.

All of us hear the words our partner is saying, we add that to the body language we are reading, then throw in a good dose of our expectations of what our partner is communicating based on our experiences and our emotional standpoint. And there we have what we think our partner just said to us. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong.

I am going to talk about imaginary person, Angela.

When Angela is speaking to someone who she has no emotional attachment to and no history with, she has no expectations of how they will behave based on past behaviour. There is no assumption around what they will say next. She is not expecting them to be mean. She will just listen. She will likely hear what they are trying to say. The message will be received clearly and correctly. Usually. Some of this depends on Angela’s self-esteem but that is a different topic that what I am covering today.

Example:

Work colleague: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “Yes, I had a busy weekend. How was your weekend?”

Now this is a straightforward communication. There is no message heard other than the obvious observation.

Now let’s look at Angela speaking to her partner of eight years. Angela and Rob have two children and both work. Most of their energy goes into looking after the kids and working. They get on well most of the time but don’t put a lot of work into the relationship or each other. They have a reasonable relationship but not what we would consider a healthy relationship.

They will have little arguments but nothing significant that causes them to seek marriage counselling.

The same communication above might play out like this.

Rob: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “What you think I’m looking old? I had a hard weekend with the kids running them everywhere while you were out with your mates at the footy. Of course, I look tired, maybe you should do a bit more around here”.

Now this is a response I am familiar with in the counselling room. Pretty much every single day in some form. What is given as a genuine statement with no other meaning, is often taken in a negative way.

In their home, Rob and Angela may not speak for the rest of the evening or they may escalate to a fight. They may just sweep this under the rug and keep going but both feeling unhappy.

In marriage counselling sessions, I can stop the conversation and ask Angela what she just heard Rob say.

Me: “Angela, you seem upset by what Rob just said, what message did you hear”?

Her response will be something like, “He was having a go at me for not looking after myself properly. He tells me I should get my hair done or go get a facial because he thinks I am looking old. This is just another way of him pointing that out”.

I then ask Rob, “Is that what you were saying to Angela, is that what you meant”?

Rob will likely answer, “Gosh no! She always thinks I am trying to be mean and having a go at her, but I want her to do those things for her. I go to the footy and she used to love doing facials and that girl stuff, so I just try and get her to go. She always looks good to me. When I said she was tired, I just meant she looked tired which isn’t a surprise because she had a lot on with the kids”.

This kind of interaction is incredibly common in relationships. It can have all sorts of outcomes. From minor disagreements through to full blown fights. It can and does, overtime, erode relationships.

In this example, Rob might get to the point where he doesn’t say anything much at all to Angela for fear of getting it wrong. Angela on the other hand, may start to withdraw as she feels he is no longer interested in her as he never speaks to her.

I often meet couples at this point. When they have such a distorted view of what the other thinks and of their relationship, that we have a lot to do to change the negative views that are the foundation of the relationship.

So, how do you make sure you are hearing your partner correctly and not adding your own negative narrative to the communication?

An easy first step to this is to simply listen and then repeat back to your partner what you think they said. The message you heard.

Rob: “You look tired”.

Angela: “Are you saying that I look old?”

Rob: “Gosh no, I know you had a big day with the kids, I was seeing if you were tired, and I was going to offer to get dinner tonight.”

Far from an attack, often our partners are being nice to us.

If you hear a negative, as the question. Rarely, if a relationship is still healthy enough to want to be in it, do we say mean things to each other.

Hearing the wrong message is a very common in relationships. If you think this may be part of your relationship, please try and start addressing this now. Listening and hearing the real message is a vital skill for a healthy relationship.

If you want to learn more about communication, check out this article here.

As always, here if you need.

Be kind to you!

Sharon.

In relationship counselling we talk about everything to do with relationships. That includes sexual intimacy. It is a topic that some couples are comfortable to talk about openly, but many feel awkward with. In terms of relationship counselling, it is completely normal, and we address this as any other part of relationship work.

For those who haven’t worked with me as part of a couple, the first session is very much an exploration of the relationship and every aspect that impacts the health of the relationship. I get an overall view of what is working well and what areas of the relationship require some attention to create a healthy relationship. I ask questions about communication, conflict, time spent, personal time, all sorts of things. Then I ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for you both? Is it meeting your needs? Occasionally couples will respond saying “yes”! This response is quite rare as sexual intimacy is usually one of the first things in a relationship that starts to decline when the relationship is neglected or has problems.

For most people, they answer that it either isn’t working at all or it isn’t meeting the needs of one person. Most often the male in a heterosexual relationship, but not always. In same sex relationships, usually one partner is also feeling that it isn’t meeting their needs whilst the other is happy enough.

When the sexual intimacy is not good for either, it tends to be more accepted as it isn’t playing a role in the dissatisfaction of the relationship. When it is just one partner, then the problem is magnified for both.

Typically, and I am generalising here, one person will feel that they are not loved, not good enough, not valued, not made a priority or some other negative emotion, if they feel the sex is either not enough, or not wanted by the other party. Duty sex if you will.

The other person tends to feel nagged, pressured, not good enough and not valued for what they do give to the relationship. Sometimes they will feel that everything is about sex.

The reality is that both people still love each other and the reasons underlying the loss of sexual intimacy usually have nothing to do with love, or the lack of. It is not about being not good enough, not attractive enough or not worth it.

Similarly, for the person not wanting sex, it isn’t that your only value is sex, it isn’t that your partner is obsessed, it isn’t that what you do elsewhere in the relationship is not of value.

A loss of sexual intimacy can be incredibly hurtful and very damaging in a relationship, unless both parties understand why and are working to a solution together.

There is no “right” sex. The quality, quantity, how, what, where, are up to each couple and for each person within that relationship to communicate to their partner exactly what their needs are.

And this for me, is the starting point of where this part of a relationship starts to come apart. Couples simply don’t talk about sex enough. There may be high level conversations.

“We need to have sex, it’s been ages”.

“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to do that”.

“I’d like to do something different”.

“We never have sex anymore”.

“All you ever think about is sex”.

These statements are thrown around and sometimes there is a minimal response, sometimes nothing. These statements though, are the start of what needs to be an important conversation.

Start talking about sex!

It is crucial for a healthy relationship to discuss what your needs are and how it makes you feel.

It is completely normal for couples to have mismatched libidos. It is also normal to go through periods where sex isn’t happening much and there is an obvious reason. It is also completely valid to have periods where the intimacy is not as it needs to be, but it needs to be understood and accepted by both people.

Every relationship goes through stages where the sexual intimacy declines, where the time simply isn’t there for the relationship, where both people can’t put into the relationship as they would like to and need to in many ways.

But, it needs to have a healthy conversation around it. It needs to have a plan and a solution discussed. Using an excuse such as health, lack of libido, stress, too busy, these are all valid, but they are not a reason to stop talking and looking for solutions. They are not a full stop.

In a healthy, loving relationship sexual intimacy plays a vital role. Make sure you are having healthy conversations about yours.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling