Communication Basics

 

Communication is essentially the sending and receiving of messages between people. While it sounds like a really simple thing to do most couples I work with get it wrong and this often forms the basis for relationship problems. When we speak to each other, there are a number of different signals that we are giving and receiving, including the words spoken, the tone used and the facial and body language expressed.

A strong relationship is made up of many things but despite this, if the communication is not effective, then at times of stress or when there are important issues to discuss it can all fall apart due to mixed messages. Improve your communication and you will undoubtedly improve your relationship and often other parts of your life too.

The following points can help you to communicate effectively

 

Listen and don’t interrupt

Alright so we all know this, but most people are listening with one ear and busy forming their response at the same time. This means that in all likelihood you are missing vital parts of the message being sent. The likely results are that you miss the message and respond inappropriately, which then goes back and forth and generally results in a disagreement or at best a result that one person isn’t pleased with. Often a fight erupts as you both speak over each other and nothing is solved as you didn’t actually hear what the other person was trying to say.

To fix this, simply remain silent. Really pay attention to what the other person is saying and then when you are sure of the message intended, respond. Take turns and be respectful of what your partner is trying to say even though you may not agree.

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Stay on topic

Often when couples fight they start discussing one issue and then throw in another and another. Eventually nobody really knows what they are fighting about. This is often used to win the argument or deflect attention from the problem raised.

Whatever issue is up for discussion, stick with it and don’t move to another topic until it has been resolved. If your partner brings up a different subject, gently remind them that you are speaking about the current topic and can discuss the issue they have raised afterwards if they would like to.

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Pay attention to body language

Did you know that most of our communication is believed to be through body language, facial expression and tone, not through the words themselves? That’s one of the reasons text messages cause so many fights amongst couples (and friends). Often a message is interpreted as a negative communication when it wasn’t intended that way, because so many important factors are missing from the message being sent.

When you talk to your partner about a problem, pay attention to the body language, facial expressions and tone of both you and your partner. Make sure you keep your tone even and calm. This alone can sometimes stop an argument from erupting. If your tone is rising, you may as well stop talking because it just became less effective communication.

Watch what messages you are sending through your facial expressions. If you aren’t angry make sure your facial expressions reflect this.

Again, with your body language, make sure it is sending the same message as the words you are using. Stay turned towards your partner, keep your body relaxed and stay on the same level physically. This is especially important for men, as women may at times view a strong, tense stance as threatening.

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Maintain Physical Contact

If possible try and have some physical contact with your partner when you are talking about something serious, as it can help to maintain a link between you and keep the discussion calm. Hold hands or put a hand on the others arm or knee gently. It’s much harder to argue when you are showing some form of affection.

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Use a ‘Checkout’ Statement

Often the message we think we are sending is not clear to the other person and they assume a different message. It is clear in your head but not necessarily clear to your partner what you are trying to say. Mixed messages fly back and forth and you may be arguing over nothing at all.

Use a ‘checkout’ statement. This is a really important aspect of communication. If your partner says something that you don’t agree with, seems hurtful or you are just not sure of – ask them. A lot of the time just doing this can allow your partner to clarify the message and you are then responding to the right message. To do this, say something like: “So what you are saying is that….”? Or “what I am hearing you say is ….”. Use your own words to describe what you have heard them say. Your partner can then agree with the statement you have made or state that is not what they are trying to convey and restate their message.

This sounds really simple but is a really effective way of reducing incorrect messages and improving communication.

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Try and see each others point of view

We all have our own perceptions of how life should be based on our own beliefs and experiences. That doesn’t mean it is always right for your partner.

If you are on opposing sides of a discussion, try and listen to what it means to your partner. Try and imagine yourself in their position. How would you feel? Having empathy and being able to accept that your partners feelings and thoughts are valid even if they are different to yours can go a long way to solving disputes. Ask them to explain what it means to them. You don’t always need to agree, but you can accept each others point of view and work together from there.

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Accept responsibility

In arguments you may often find that you are defending your actions and explaining why. This is often an attempt to get the other person to see the reason and then leave the discussion alone.

If you have done something (or not done something) which has upset your partner, rather than trying to defend it, accept responsibility. Say sorry. This sounds easy but many people struggle with it. It can go a long way to stopping an argument, calming a situation and keeping harmony in your relationship. You can always explain your actions but an apology or acceptance of responsibility first helps.

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Learn to compromise

Every issue that you come across with your partner does not have just a two-sided component. You don’t need to stick with your point just because it was yours!

If you disagree on an issue, work together as a team to resolve it effectively. Discuss it and make sure you understand the issue. Work out what it means to your partner, express what it means to you, and then work out the outcomes of each option. Once you have all of the information it will become clear if there is an easy option. If there isn’t, then you need to work on a compromise. Work together to try and find a solution that works for both of you. This isn’t about winning or losing but putting the relationship first and finding the best outcome for it.

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Take Time-Out

At times you may find that a discussion is starting to get heated or may just be going around in circles.

If this happens, take time-out. State to your partner that you need a break from the conversation and will come back to it later (don’t just run out). Take the time to calm down and if necessary go for a walk or do another activity until you are ready to address the issue again. Make sure you do return to the subject. A healthy relationship is one that is able to work through important issues and find a resolution.

If you find that you are unable to resolve issues effectively, don’t leave them as they have a tendency to build over time. The best time to get help for your relationship is when there are small problems. These can be easily addressed with some help.

If you would like to learn more about learning good communication skills, give me a call or if you prefer, make an appointment through the online booking option. Good luck and let me know if you found this helpful.

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Working as a marriage counsellor for over 15 years I have been given amazing insights into what makes for a healthy relationship (or not!). Education in this area is obviously a must but actively working with couples is an education like no other. I have spent countless hours learning about people and what makes for a healthy relationship.

There are some of the small habits or skills which all couples who have successful relationships seem to have in common. Ten of these are outlined below and all are easy to include in your relationship. If you don’t have them, then take the time to learn them. It is an investment in your relationship and your future. These are just some of the things we may look at in relationship counselling sessions.

• Look for something positive in each other every day and tell your partner. At the start of the relationship, couples naturally do this but as time goes on and you become familiar and comfortable, you start to focus on the negative things.

There are probably a whole lot of things your partner does each day that are positive, but you will often only point out the negatives to them. This doesn’t make anybody feel good and makes you really aware of what is wrong with the relationship, not what is right. I’m not suggesting you ignore problems, just don’t make your relationship a problem focused one. The more you look for the good, the better you both feel about each other.

• Don’t try and fix each other. For men, when women start telling their partner about problems in their day, men tend to try and solve these problems when what they are really after is someone to vent to. They want to be heard, acknowledged and this alone often makes them feel better. If they want your advice, they will ask for it, otherwise, just try and listen to them, show interest and be empathetic if needed.

Women often like to ‘fix’ their partners. Men are happy with who they are and want their partner to be happy with them too. For women, trying to guide their partner and fix them in various ways is a loving gesture to show they care, but what it says to men is that they are not good enough as they are. If you want him to feel loved, let him be him, quirks and all. As for women, if he wants your help he will ask for it.

• Decide what you can accept and what needs to change in the relationship for you to be happy. I like to divide issues in a relationship into 3 categories.

The ‘Dealbreakers’ – these are the things that you agree will in all probability, end your relationship.  Often for people it is things like abuse or continuous affairs but it can be anything that you feel you won’t be able to accept in a partner. Make sure you discuss these together so you both have respect for each other’s needs.

The ‘Needs Adjustment’ – these are issues that are not going to end the relationship, but need to change in order for you to be happy and live with it. These often include things like how to manage money, resolve conflict and meet each other’s individual needs. It often includes small things that seem insignificant to one partner but can have a lot of meaning to the other. Spend some time talking these through and looking for solutions that will work for both of you.

The last category is the ‘Acceptable’ – these are things that perhaps irritate but are not worth trying to change. They are often small irritating habits of your partner that don’t really affect the relationship or how you feel about yourself in any way. For these items, it is best to accept that if it isn’t worth trying to change, then it isn’t worth mentioning. If you’ve decided to accept it, then put it aside and don’t raise it.

• Place importance on meeting your partner’s needs. Usually couples place differing levels of importance on things in the relationship. There is a belief that if it isn’t important to me, then no matter how much you bring it up, I don’t believe it is important and therefore won’t bother with it.

It is really important to listen to your partner carefully and take on board what it means to them rather than dismissing it because it means little to you. If it is important to them and you can meet that need, then do it, even if you feel it is not that big a deal.

Often it is these small things that we dismiss with each other than can break a relationship. Issues such as not returning calls in a reasonable time or allowing your partner ‘down time’ after work are things that come up often in couples counselling. These seem minor but can create a lot of resentment over time of not addressed.

Sometimes that tea spoon on the kitchen bench has a lot of meaning to one person!

• Show your partner they are important to you by greeting them at the end of every day with a hug as the first thing you do when you come together. This may sound silly, but many people raise this as an issue, that they don’t feel like a priority when their partner doesn’t come to them to acknowledge them as soon as they get home. Make sure you are both doing this, not placing the expectation on one person to always seek out the other. It is often the small gestures like this that help hold a relationship together.

• Ask for what you need in a positive way. Often when couples want something from their partner, they will phrase it as a negative. Things like, “You never call me to tell me you are going to be late”. Fair enough, you would like a phone call to state this, but making it a negative accusation makes your partner feel they need to defend themselves rather than try and meet your need.

Saying something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you would call me to let me know if you are going to be late. I know sometimes you can’t help being late but I would really like you to let me know. Would you do that”? This statement is much more likely to get your partner to want to call you and meet that need. Sometimes it may need a gentle reminder, but ask, don’t accuse.

• Allow your partner to have their interests. In a healthy relationship, both partners will have their own interests or hobbies and it is important to keep doing these things for yourself while in a relationship. Often couples will feel that their partner is neglecting them if they choose to do an activity on their own and this causes conflict. As long as there is some balance, it is important to support your partner in following their own interests and allow them that time. That way you both come back to each other refreshed and with more interest to communicate. Be your partner’s cheerleader. They will appreciate you for it.

• Keep the intimacy alive. After the honeymoon period, couples often find that their sexual drives are not aligned and this is a big source of conflict for many people. Be aware that this is a really important part of your relationship and you need to work together to find a balance that works for both of you.

Be respectful of your needs and that of your partner and keep the communication open about this. Be careful not to be dismissive about this if it doesn’t feel important to you. Chances are it could eventually be a dealbreaker to your partner if it is not fixed. If it is raised as an issue, pay attention to it.

• Have some common interests. Just as it is important to have individual interests, it is equally important to have some interests that you like to pursue together. This helps to create together time that is not just hanging around the house doing chores, but enjoyable.

If you don’t currently have an activity together, find one. Try different things until you find something that works. Creating happy memories together as a couple can help to get you through any tough times that you come across.

• Be aware that family time and couple time are two different things. When kids come along, there is often a move towards doing everything that is family focused. This is great for creating a strong family unit, but it takes away from the relationship between partners.

Many couples will recount things they do together as their activities, when in fact the whole family is involved so it is not couple time but family time. Your relationship still needs attention away from the children so make sure you find the time to work this in.

Many couples come to relationship counselling thinking that they have huge obstacles to overcome in order to make their relationship a fulfilling one. While this is sometimes true, often it is a combination of these small things that make for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Try and makes some positive changes starting today and watch for positive results.

Relationships are work. But, they can be FUN work.

Good Luck!

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

One of the benefits of marriage counselling is that during sessions, you have your counsellor to help you hear each other correctly and listen for any miscommunications. Frequently in relationships we hear what we think we hear, not what the other person is actually trying to say.

Let me explain.

All of us hear the words our partner is saying, we add that to the body language we are reading, then throw in a good dose of our expectations of what our partner is communicating based on our experiences and our emotional standpoint. And there we have what we think our partner just said to us. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong.

I am going to talk about imaginary person, Angela.

When Angela is speaking to someone who she has no emotional attachment to and no history with, she has no expectations of how they will behave based on past behaviour. There is no assumption around what they will say next. She is not expecting them to be mean. She will just listen. She will likely hear what they are trying to say. The message will be received clearly and correctly. Usually. Some of this depends on Angela’s self-esteem but that is a different topic that what I am covering today.

Example:

Work colleague: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “Yes, I had a busy weekend. How was your weekend?”

Now this is a straightforward communication. There is no message heard other than the obvious observation.

Now let’s look at Angela speaking to her partner of eight years. Angela and Rob have two children and both work. Most of their energy goes into looking after the kids and working. They get on well most of the time but don’t put a lot of work into the relationship or each other. They have a reasonable relationship but not what we would consider a healthy relationship.

They will have little arguments but nothing significant that causes them to seek marriage counselling.

The same communication above might play out like this.

Rob: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “What you think I’m looking old? I had a hard weekend with the kids running them everywhere while you were out with your mates at the footy. Of course, I look tired, maybe you should do a bit more around here”.

Now this is a response I am familiar with in the counselling room. Pretty much every single day in some form. What is given as a genuine statement with no other meaning, is often taken in a negative way.

In their home, Rob and Angela may not speak for the rest of the evening or they may escalate to a fight. They may just sweep this under the rug and keep going but both feeling unhappy.

In marriage counselling sessions, I can stop the conversation and ask Angela what she just heard Rob say.

Me: “Angela, you seem upset by what Rob just said, what message did you hear”?

Her response will be something like, “He was having a go at me for not looking after myself properly. He tells me I should get my hair done or go get a facial because he thinks I am looking old. This is just another way of him pointing that out”.

I then ask Rob, “Is that what you were saying to Angela, is that what you meant”?

Rob will likely answer, “Gosh no! She always thinks I am trying to be mean and having a go at her, but I want her to do those things for her. I go to the footy and she used to love doing facials and that girl stuff, so I just try and get her to go. She always looks good to me. When I said she was tired, I just meant she looked tired which isn’t a surprise because she had a lot on with the kids”.

This kind of interaction is incredibly common in relationships. It can have all sorts of outcomes. From minor disagreements through to full blown fights. It can and does, overtime, erode relationships.

In this example, Rob might get to the point where he doesn’t say anything much at all to Angela for fear of getting it wrong. Angela on the other hand, may start to withdraw as she feels he is no longer interested in her as he never speaks to her.

I often meet couples at this point. When they have such a distorted view of what the other thinks and of their relationship, that we have a lot to do to change the negative views that are the foundation of the relationship.

So, how do you make sure you are hearing your partner correctly and not adding your own negative narrative to the communication?

An easy first step to this is to simply listen and then repeat back to your partner what you think they said. The message you heard.

Rob: “You look tired”.

Angela: “Are you saying that I look old?”

Rob: “Gosh no, I know you had a big day with the kids, I was seeing if you were tired, and I was going to offer to get dinner tonight.”

Far from an attack, often our partners are being nice to us.

If you hear a negative, as the question. Rarely, if a relationship is still healthy enough to want to be in it, do we say mean things to each other.

Hearing the wrong message is a very common in relationships. If you think this may be part of your relationship, please try and start addressing this now. Listening and hearing the real message is a vital skill for a healthy relationship.

If you want to learn more about communication, check out this article here.

As always, here if you need.

Be kind to you!

Sharon.

In relationship counselling we talk about everything to do with relationships. That includes sexual intimacy. It is a topic that some couples are comfortable to talk about openly, but many feel awkward with. In terms of relationship counselling, it is completely normal, and we address this as any other part of relationship work.

For those who haven’t worked with me as part of a couple, the first session is very much an exploration of the relationship and every aspect that impacts the health of the relationship. I get an overall view of what is working well and what areas of the relationship require some attention to create a healthy relationship. I ask questions about communication, conflict, time spent, personal time, all sorts of things. Then I ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for you both? Is it meeting your needs? Occasionally couples will respond saying “yes”! This response is quite rare as sexual intimacy is usually one of the first things in a relationship that starts to decline when the relationship is neglected or has problems.

For most people, they answer that it either isn’t working at all or it isn’t meeting the needs of one person. Most often the male in a heterosexual relationship, but not always. In same sex relationships, usually one partner is also feeling that it isn’t meeting their needs whilst the other is happy enough.

When the sexual intimacy is not good for either, it tends to be more accepted as it isn’t playing a role in the dissatisfaction of the relationship. When it is just one partner, then the problem is magnified for both.

Typically, and I am generalising here, one person will feel that they are not loved, not good enough, not valued, not made a priority or some other negative emotion, if they feel the sex is either not enough, or not wanted by the other party. Duty sex if you will.

The other person tends to feel nagged, pressured, not good enough and not valued for what they do give to the relationship. Sometimes they will feel that everything is about sex.

The reality is that both people still love each other and the reasons underlying the loss of sexual intimacy usually have nothing to do with love, or the lack of. It is not about being not good enough, not attractive enough or not worth it.

Similarly, for the person not wanting sex, it isn’t that your only value is sex, it isn’t that your partner is obsessed, it isn’t that what you do elsewhere in the relationship is not of value.

A loss of sexual intimacy can be incredibly hurtful and very damaging in a relationship, unless both parties understand why and are working to a solution together.

There is no “right” sex. The quality, quantity, how, what, where, are up to each couple and for each person within that relationship to communicate to their partner exactly what their needs are.

And this for me, is the starting point of where this part of a relationship starts to come apart. Couples simply don’t talk about sex enough. There may be high level conversations.

“We need to have sex, it’s been ages”.

“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to do that”.

“I’d like to do something different”.

“We never have sex anymore”.

“All you ever think about is sex”.

These statements are thrown around and sometimes there is a minimal response, sometimes nothing. These statements though, are the start of what needs to be an important conversation.

Start talking about sex!

It is crucial for a healthy relationship to discuss what your needs are and how it makes you feel.

It is completely normal for couples to have mismatched libidos. It is also normal to go through periods where sex isn’t happening much and there is an obvious reason. It is also completely valid to have periods where the intimacy is not as it needs to be, but it needs to be understood and accepted by both people.

Every relationship goes through stages where the sexual intimacy declines, where the time simply isn’t there for the relationship, where both people can’t put into the relationship as they would like to and need to in many ways.

But, it needs to have a healthy conversation around it. It needs to have a plan and a solution discussed. Using an excuse such as health, lack of libido, stress, too busy, these are all valid, but they are not a reason to stop talking and looking for solutions. They are not a full stop.

In a healthy, loving relationship sexual intimacy plays a vital role. Make sure you are having healthy conversations about yours.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling