I know quite a few lawyers. Family members, friends and clients. What they are all good at and practise every day, is ignoring the emotion around a subject and getting down to the facts. Nobody wants a lawyer who is caught up in why someone is sad, angry, upset or hurt. What they want, is a lawyer who can cut through the emotional layers and deal in the facts. Just the logic. Who is right, who is wrong, and most importantly, who has the most evidence to prove their position.

If you are standing in a courtroom, you are there to prove your point. To win.

My job as a marriage counsellor is pretty much the opposite of a lawyer. I care about the emotions; I care about what someone is feeling and why. I am curious about that. Then I look for solutions with them.

In many relationships, we don’t get curious. We act like we are in the courtroom. My counselling room can sound like a courtroom as couples throw logic back and forth at each other. Each trying to educate and prove to their partner, their logic and why they are right. They argue and provide evidence.

This is perfect in the courtroom. This is a disaster in a relationship.

Logic matters. Of course there are the facts of a situation. But in a relationship, there is also the emotion and emotional investments from each partner that we need to consider.

Sometimes, the emotion around a fact is more important than the fact itself in a relationship.

Couples need to get curious about each other. Instead of focusing on who was “right” and throwing logic back and forth at each other, start to ask questions about what it means to the other person.

If you find that you are often arguing over small things in your relationship, then this is likely happening in your relationship.

Let me give you an example.

The shoes in the hallway problem. I actually hear this very issue reasonably frequently in the counselling room.

Partner 1 likes shoes to be left stacked in the shoe rack. Partner 2 doesn’t care about the shoe rack or where the shoes are placed. In fact, partner 2 likes to kick off their shoes in the entry way when they walk in to either pick up later or put back on when they leave.

In a marriage counselling session and an often-repeated argument at home, the couple are going back and forth about:

• why the shoes need to be in the shoe rack,
• why the shoes need to be left in the entry way,
• why the shoes in the entry way are convenient and out of the way,
• why the shoe rack is annoying,
• why the shoe rack is more ordered and hygienic.

All very logical, factual arguments and all “right” depending on your personal view of this. Realistically, the shoes are a minor problem – in a logical sense. Some people really don’t care that much where the shoes go. Some people have exactly the same ideas of where the shoes should go.

And some people are really invested in where the shoes go, and it matters to them.

Partner 1 grew up in a very ordered home and would be given a lot of grief from the parents if things weren’t orderly. They learned that the best way to not “be in trouble” was to put their shoes away. When they moved out alone, it was a natural habit they continued and doing anything else would be uncomfortable for them.

Is this ok? Who knows. But unless Partner 1 wants to address this and see if it is something they are willing to shift because it is a problem in their life, then it is what it is. The shoes being in the rack has an emotional meaning for them and it matters to them. The “why” might be understandable. The “why” might seem silly.

But, it matters to partner 1.

Partner 2 doesn’t care about the shoes. Partner 2 is easy going, grew up in a home where order was second to comfort and there is no thought applied to where the shoes go or what the placement means. Partner 2 doesn’t even give a thought to kicking off shoes when walking in the door.

Partner 1 asks partner 2 repeatedly to put the shoes in the rack. Partner 2 thinks this is stupid and says so.

And so the logic warfare begins. Nobody wins. Nobody can win. They’re both right. The relationship loses.

I have seen this logic warfare destroy relationships. Unless we are willing to be interested in what matters to our partner, what they are emotionally attached to, we are on a fast way to building resentment in the relationship.

Partner 2 has no idea that the shoes, which have zero meaning and could with no effort, be placed in the shoe rack, are going to be a straw in the pile that one day might break the relationship.

What would we see in a healthy relationship?

Curiosity and acceptance. Partner 1 keeps asking for the shoes to be moved and seems to be very upset when they aren’t. This is generally a good clue that is has some meaning. Ask the question!

“You seem to be really bothered by the shoes in the entry way, does it have some meaning to you, or does it really matter to you in some way”?

What an awesome gift that is to Partner 1 to hear that there is interest in this minor thing.

Maybe Partner 1 doesn’t really know why the shoes matter, and maybe they do. What matters is that they give a real answer and then take the opportunity offered to explore this with their partner.

“I don’t know why it matters to me, but it really does. I don’t care if you leave your jacket hanging on the rail. Well, I do but not as much. But the shoes really matter to me”.

This conversation can continue until there is either understanding or simple acceptance of the need. Partner 2 now has the power to make a healthy choice for the relationship and meet the need of the other. The shoes will now go in the rack or at least, every effort will be made to get the shoes in the rack.

Partner 2 loses nothing. Partner 1 feels loved and heard.

The relationship wins.

Whether it is shoes or something else seemingly minor or major. Stop with the logic warfare and learn what things mean to each of you and then try and find a solution so that the relationship wins.

If the relationship wins, both partners win. Sounds like a good victory to me.

As always, here if you need.