Working as a marriage counsellor for over 15 years I have been given amazing insights into what makes for a healthy relationship (or not!). Education in this area is obviously a must but actively working with couples is an education like no other. I have spent countless hours learning about people and what makes for a healthy relationship.

There are some of the small habits or skills which all couples who have successful relationships seem to have in common. Ten of these are outlined below and all are easy to include in your relationship. If you don’t have them, then take the time to learn them. It is an investment in your relationship and your future. These are just some of the things we may look at in relationship counselling sessions.

• Look for something positive in each other every day and tell your partner. At the start of the relationship, couples naturally do this but as time goes on and you become familiar and comfortable, you start to focus on the negative things.

There are probably a whole lot of things your partner does each day that are positive, but you will often only point out the negatives to them. This doesn’t make anybody feel good and makes you really aware of what is wrong with the relationship, not what is right. I’m not suggesting you ignore problems, just don’t make your relationship a problem focused one. The more you look for the good, the better you both feel about each other.

• Don’t try and fix each other. For men, when women start telling their partner about problems in their day, men tend to try and solve these problems when what they are really after is someone to vent to. They want to be heard, acknowledged and this alone often makes them feel better. If they want your advice, they will ask for it, otherwise, just try and listen to them, show interest and be empathetic if needed.

Women often like to ‘fix’ their partners. Men are happy with who they are and want their partner to be happy with them too. For women, trying to guide their partner and fix them in various ways is a loving gesture to show they care, but what it says to men is that they are not good enough as they are. If you want him to feel loved, let him be him, quirks and all. As for women, if he wants your help he will ask for it.

• Decide what you can accept and what needs to change in the relationship for you to be happy. I like to divide issues in a relationship into 3 categories.

The ‘Dealbreakers’ – these are the things that you agree will in all probability, end your relationship.  Often for people it is things like abuse or continuous affairs but it can be anything that you feel you won’t be able to accept in a partner. Make sure you discuss these together so you both have respect for each other’s needs.

The ‘Needs Adjustment’ – these are issues that are not going to end the relationship, but need to change in order for you to be happy and live with it. These often include things like how to manage money, resolve conflict and meet each other’s individual needs. It often includes small things that seem insignificant to one partner but can have a lot of meaning to the other. Spend some time talking these through and looking for solutions that will work for both of you.

The last category is the ‘Acceptable’ – these are things that perhaps irritate but are not worth trying to change. They are often small irritating habits of your partner that don’t really affect the relationship or how you feel about yourself in any way. For these items, it is best to accept that if it isn’t worth trying to change, then it isn’t worth mentioning. If you’ve decided to accept it, then put it aside and don’t raise it.

• Place importance on meeting your partner’s needs. Usually couples place differing levels of importance on things in the relationship. There is a belief that if it isn’t important to me, then no matter how much you bring it up, I don’t believe it is important and therefore won’t bother with it.

It is really important to listen to your partner carefully and take on board what it means to them rather than dismissing it because it means little to you. If it is important to them and you can meet that need, then do it, even if you feel it is not that big a deal.

Often it is these small things that we dismiss with each other than can break a relationship. Issues such as not returning calls in a reasonable time or allowing your partner ‘down time’ after work are things that come up often in couples counselling. These seem minor but can create a lot of resentment over time of not addressed.

Sometimes that tea spoon on the kitchen bench has a lot of meaning to one person!

• Show your partner they are important to you by greeting them at the end of every day with a hug as the first thing you do when you come together. This may sound silly, but many people raise this as an issue, that they don’t feel like a priority when their partner doesn’t come to them to acknowledge them as soon as they get home. Make sure you are both doing this, not placing the expectation on one person to always seek out the other. It is often the small gestures like this that help hold a relationship together.

• Ask for what you need in a positive way. Often when couples want something from their partner, they will phrase it as a negative. Things like, “You never call me to tell me you are going to be late”. Fair enough, you would like a phone call to state this, but making it a negative accusation makes your partner feel they need to defend themselves rather than try and meet your need.

Saying something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you would call me to let me know if you are going to be late. I know sometimes you can’t help being late but I would really like you to let me know. Would you do that”? This statement is much more likely to get your partner to want to call you and meet that need. Sometimes it may need a gentle reminder, but ask, don’t accuse.

• Allow your partner to have their interests. In a healthy relationship, both partners will have their own interests or hobbies and it is important to keep doing these things for yourself while in a relationship. Often couples will feel that their partner is neglecting them if they choose to do an activity on their own and this causes conflict. As long as there is some balance, it is important to support your partner in following their own interests and allow them that time. That way you both come back to each other refreshed and with more interest to communicate. Be your partner’s cheerleader. They will appreciate you for it.

• Keep the intimacy alive. After the honeymoon period, couples often find that their sexual drives are not aligned and this is a big source of conflict for many people. Be aware that this is a really important part of your relationship and you need to work together to find a balance that works for both of you.

Be respectful of your needs and that of your partner and keep the communication open about this. Be careful not to be dismissive about this if it doesn’t feel important to you. Chances are it could eventually be a dealbreaker to your partner if it is not fixed. If it is raised as an issue, pay attention to it.

• Have some common interests. Just as it is important to have individual interests, it is equally important to have some interests that you like to pursue together. This helps to create together time that is not just hanging around the house doing chores, but enjoyable.

If you don’t currently have an activity together, find one. Try different things until you find something that works. Creating happy memories together as a couple can help to get you through any tough times that you come across.

• Be aware that family time and couple time are two different things. When kids come along, there is often a move towards doing everything that is family focused. This is great for creating a strong family unit, but it takes away from the relationship between partners.

Many couples will recount things they do together as their activities, when in fact the whole family is involved so it is not couple time but family time. Your relationship still needs attention away from the children so make sure you find the time to work this in.

Many couples come to relationship counselling thinking that they have huge obstacles to overcome in order to make their relationship a fulfilling one. While this is sometimes true, often it is a combination of these small things that make for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Try and makes some positive changes starting today and watch for positive results.

Relationships are work. But, they can be FUN work.

Good Luck!

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Healthy relationships do make us happy!

As a counsellor, I often ask people what they want from sessions and the answer is, “happiness”.

Ever wonder what it takes to lead a genuinely content life? Well, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, often referred to as the “75-Year Study,” has been trying to answer that question since 1938.

This incredible study that has been going since before I was born, has followed a group of people over their lives to see what makes people happy. It started with 268 Harvard undergraduate men and evolved over time to include their families and descendants. It is the longest running study ever conducted and continues today.  Incredible.

Some of the original members of this study are still alive today. One of the original group was American President John F Kennedy. From the people in the study, some went on to become what society would judge as “successful”. Businessmen, doctors, and lawyers. Others became drug addicts or alcoholics.

What came out of the study that is unexpected, is that a major influencer on happiness, was not this success (or failure), but the romantic relationships and the quality of them!

Pretty amazing all round really. What an incredible study. As a marriage counsellor, this makes me excited.

The group were asked questions every year and the lessons learned about what makes people truly happy have been quite surprising.

Here’s a look at some of the key insights that have emerged from this remarkable research.

Quality Relationships

Meaningful, supportive relationships are crucial for happiness. It’s not about having a vast network but about the depth and quality of connections with family, friends, and loved ones. Real connections, not numbers. Sounds good to me!

Resilience

Life inevitably serves up challenges, and those who can adapt and cope with stress tend to be happier. Strategies like mindfulness and emotional intelligence play a vital role in maintaining well-being. If you don’t naturally have these, then learn them (yep, you can learn how to be more resilient).

Happiness As We Mature

Contrary to the notion that happiness declines with age, the study found that many people become more satisfied with life as they get older. As priorities shift and less important concerns fall away, contentment often increases. Wisdom with age perhaps?

Physical And Mental Health

Physical health and mental well-being are intertwined. Leading a healthy lifestyle through exercise and a balanced diet not only promotes physical health but also enhances happiness and longevity.

Volunteering Helps

Acts of kindness and volunteering can significantly boost happiness and provide a sense of purpose. Giving to others can be just as fulfilling as receiving. In fact, other studies have shown that volunteering makes us happy too.

My thoughts

When I first read about this study I didn’t tune in too much. It hit my radar, (I enjoy learning all sorts of random things), but I didn’t do much else with it. Recently, I started looking into this more fully from a counselling perspective. Since clients are searching for happiness, looking into this study was an obvious step.

The part that really resounds for me as a marriage counsellor, is that we need to really look after our relationships to look after our own happiness.

Healthy relationships are what matter most. The human connection is what we are all seeking. Yet we often place more value on money or fame, social standing or IQ. The study showed us that true happiness came from the close relationships. The healthy relationship helped the participants be truly happy. These relationships supported both mental and physical health.

75 years of study can’t be wrong! Our relationships make us happier.

Though it started with a group of Harvard men, the lessons from the 75-Year Study are for all if us. It reminds us that authentic happiness comes from nurturing meaningful relationships, developing resilience, and embracing life’s challenges as opportunities for growth.

In a world often preoccupied with material pursuits, the study teaches us that genuine happiness is an ongoing journey within ourselves. It encourages us to focus on what truly matters, cherish our connections, and view life’s fluctuations as part of a profound and enriching experience.

So….what have you done today to support your happiness through your connections?

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Is Marriage Counselling a good or bad thing? This is an interesting question, and it was posed by a client the other day. It got me thinking. I know it is a positive thing, but how many people still believe that coming to couples therapy signifies a negative?

There are four general reasons that couples come to me for couples therapy.

1. Couples seeking therapy not for change but to tick the box that they have attended therapy and can accept the decision that their relationship is over.
2. Those who are on the fence about whether the relationship will work or if they will separate. They hope that I will have a magic wand to turn it around for them and change their minds or help them feel alright to move forward.
3. Couples who genuinely want help with their relationship because of a crisis event or because the relationship has declined to a point where they are unhappy and want to work at it. They have no interest in ending the relationship.
4. And finally, those who see marriage counselling as a genuine asset in having a healthy relationship and haven’t encountered significant challenges yet but want the tools to make sure they have them when needed. These couples may have noticed some minor problems and jump on them straight away. They are proactive in maintaining their relationship.

All these couples are welcome. For the couples in the first two categories, well I don’t have a wand and I can’t make them feel crazy in love again, at least not in one session. I can help offer the option of exploring whether they wish to put the effort in to turning their relationship around. Sometimes it is about closure for them and ending things on a reasonably healthy note.

Sometimes, it is a one-off, “we tried couples therapy and it didn’t work” so we can now end the relationship knowing there is nothing to be done. For people in this space, they often feel relief that they have seen a professional counsellor and they can choose to leave the relationship having ticked that box.

For others, they see hope in the work we do and will engage in the process in the hope of saving the relationship.

All of these are valid reasons to attend therapy. It is sad to see a relationship that once had love end or be causing so much pain to people. Whatever it is, we try and get an outcome that works for each person if possible.

Couples who fall into the third category have a great chance at getting a healthy relationship from the counselling process. There are three points that I believe make this possible.

• The couple are willing to take responsibility for their individual role in the relationship and be ready to make changes that they need to aide in creating a healthy relationship.
• They are diligent about attending sessions and completing the assigned homework from each session.
• They attend counselling until I tell them we are done. My job is to work myself out of a job! Couples who allow the process to complete fully will have the best chance at having a solid, resilient relationship.

I can’t tell you how often couples present for a session and tell me that they just didn’t have time for the homework. Occasionally this is valid, life throws things at us. But usually, what couples are saying when they say this is, “We don’t have time for our relationship”. Why not? If it is a priority, then you make it look like a priority.

Most people wouldn’t dream of not putting effort into their careers or their children. Things that matter, things that we want to work and be successful, those things are a priority. That includes the romantic relationship.

The other thing that is so common for me is that couples will typically attend somewhere between 3 to 6 sessions and then disappear. That’s awesome if we have finished the work we want to do. Sometimes we have. I will tell couples if we have.

I am the mechanic for your relationship. If you put your car in for a repair, you don’t drive off after one thing has been fixed. The mechanic looks the car over, tells you what needs fixing, and you then commit to leaving your car there to get fixed. You want a reliable car. You collect it when it is running smoothly again. You don’t take it part way through thinking enough has been done for it to be reliable.

So too with our relationships. I will look it over, tell you what needs to be looked at and then work with you to get those parts healthy and to meet the goals you have come to me with. I will then tell you we are done.

What I will usually tell couples is that we are making good progress. I can see it, they can feel it. Let’s space our sessions further apart. Let’s see how that goes and what problems if any arise. From there, we will lengthen out the time between counselling sessions until I tell couples, “You are really good at your relationship. There is nothing that needs work with me. Go, fly free, enjoy your relationship, come back if you get stuck but otherwise, you’ve got this”!

Success to me is working myself out of a job. Please allow me to do that if you decide to work with me.

Some couples attend a few sessions and then come sporadically, if at all, then tell themselves that their relationship can’t be repaired or that counselling doesn’t work. Might as well diet one week, eat junk the next and then believe that you can’t lose weight because the diet doesn’t work.

Couples therapy is a process. Follow the process and invest in your future by making your relationship strong.

That brings me to the couples who fall into the 4^th category. These couples want a healthy relationship, and they see the value in investing in their relationship from the start and learning the skills to support the love they have for each other.

These couples are so easy to work with. They have a lot of love and therefore a lot of motivation to make change. They still want to make changes to make their partner happy. Rarely here is there hurt to be worked through which means we are simply learning. Learning about each other on a different level, learning skills.

So much easier to build on something good than to take something apart and rebuild at the same time!

During the covid lockdowns, moving to Zoom to support people, I was fortunate that I started to work with people in countries other than Australia. What I see in other countries is a belief that therapy is a valid tool, a good thing to use. Therapy is not seen as a bad thing or a last resort. It is something embraced as being an important investment in mental health and relationships. “My therapist” is something that is spoken of openly in many countries. It is not shameful or an indicator of weakness or problems.

I love relationship work. Couples therapy is incredibly rewarding and strangely enough, can be fun. There are a lot of laughs between the tears some days with my clients. Whatever space couples are in, I welcome them to work with me and hope that I can help them get an outcome they want.

I wish couples would see that coming in early in their relationship gives them a high chance of having a healthy relationship, the work is way more fun, the work is much easier and the time invested is significantly less in counselling sessions. Wins all round.

In answer to my question at the start, “Does couples therapy mean your relationship is over”? No. It means you are taking charge and going to empower yourself with knowledge to try and get the relationship you want.

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

One of the benefits of marriage counselling is that during sessions, you have your counsellor to help you hear each other correctly and listen for any miscommunications. Frequently in relationships we hear what we think we hear, not what the other person is actually trying to say.

Let me explain.

All of us hear the words our partner is saying, we add that to the body language we are reading, then throw in a good dose of our expectations of what our partner is communicating based on our experiences and our emotional standpoint. And there we have what we think our partner just said to us. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong.

I am going to talk about imaginary person, Angela.

When Angela is speaking to someone who she has no emotional attachment to and no history with, she has no expectations of how they will behave based on past behaviour. There is no assumption around what they will say next. She is not expecting them to be mean. She will just listen. She will likely hear what they are trying to say. The message will be received clearly and correctly. Usually. Some of this depends on Angela’s self-esteem but that is a different topic that what I am covering today.

Example:

Work colleague: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “Yes, I had a busy weekend. How was your weekend?”

Now this is a straightforward communication. There is no message heard other than the obvious observation.

Now let’s look at Angela speaking to her partner of eight years. Angela and Rob have two children and both work. Most of their energy goes into looking after the kids and working. They get on well most of the time but don’t put a lot of work into the relationship or each other. They have a reasonable relationship but not what we would consider a healthy relationship.

They will have little arguments but nothing significant that causes them to seek marriage counselling.

The same communication above might play out like this.

Rob: “You look a bit tired”.

Angela: “What you think I’m looking old? I had a hard weekend with the kids running them everywhere while you were out with your mates at the footy. Of course, I look tired, maybe you should do a bit more around here”.

Now this is a response I am familiar with in the counselling room. Pretty much every single day in some form. What is given as a genuine statement with no other meaning, is often taken in a negative way.

In their home, Rob and Angela may not speak for the rest of the evening or they may escalate to a fight. They may just sweep this under the rug and keep going but both feeling unhappy.

In marriage counselling sessions, I can stop the conversation and ask Angela what she just heard Rob say.

Me: “Angela, you seem upset by what Rob just said, what message did you hear”?

Her response will be something like, “He was having a go at me for not looking after myself properly. He tells me I should get my hair done or go get a facial because he thinks I am looking old. This is just another way of him pointing that out”.

I then ask Rob, “Is that what you were saying to Angela, is that what you meant”?

Rob will likely answer, “Gosh no! She always thinks I am trying to be mean and having a go at her, but I want her to do those things for her. I go to the footy and she used to love doing facials and that girl stuff, so I just try and get her to go. She always looks good to me. When I said she was tired, I just meant she looked tired which isn’t a surprise because she had a lot on with the kids”.

This kind of interaction is incredibly common in relationships. It can have all sorts of outcomes. From minor disagreements through to full blown fights. It can and does, overtime, erode relationships.

In this example, Rob might get to the point where he doesn’t say anything much at all to Angela for fear of getting it wrong. Angela on the other hand, may start to withdraw as she feels he is no longer interested in her as he never speaks to her.

I often meet couples at this point. When they have such a distorted view of what the other thinks and of their relationship, that we have a lot to do to change the negative views that are the foundation of the relationship.

So, how do you make sure you are hearing your partner correctly and not adding your own negative narrative to the communication?

An easy first step to this is to simply listen and then repeat back to your partner what you think they said. The message you heard.

Rob: “You look tired”.

Angela: “Are you saying that I look old?”

Rob: “Gosh no, I know you had a big day with the kids, I was seeing if you were tired, and I was going to offer to get dinner tonight.”

Far from an attack, often our partners are being nice to us.

If you hear a negative, as the question. Rarely, if a relationship is still healthy enough to want to be in it, do we say mean things to each other.

Hearing the wrong message is a very common in relationships. If you think this may be part of your relationship, please try and start addressing this now. Listening and hearing the real message is a vital skill for a healthy relationship.

If you want to learn more about communication, check out this article here.

As always, here if you need.

Be kind to you!

Sharon.

In relationship counselling we talk about everything to do with relationships. That includes sexual intimacy. It is a topic that some couples are comfortable to talk about openly, but many feel awkward with. In terms of relationship counselling, it is completely normal, and we address this as any other part of relationship work.

For those who haven’t worked with me as part of a couple, the first session is very much an exploration of the relationship and every aspect that impacts the health of the relationship. I get an overall view of what is working well and what areas of the relationship require some attention to create a healthy relationship. I ask questions about communication, conflict, time spent, personal time, all sorts of things. Then I ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for you both? Is it meeting your needs? Occasionally couples will respond saying “yes”! This response is quite rare as sexual intimacy is usually one of the first things in a relationship that starts to decline when the relationship is neglected or has problems.

For most people, they answer that it either isn’t working at all or it isn’t meeting the needs of one person. Most often the male in a heterosexual relationship, but not always. In same sex relationships, usually one partner is also feeling that it isn’t meeting their needs whilst the other is happy enough.

When the sexual intimacy is not good for either, it tends to be more accepted as it isn’t playing a role in the dissatisfaction of the relationship. When it is just one partner, then the problem is magnified for both.

Typically, and I am generalising here, one person will feel that they are not loved, not good enough, not valued, not made a priority or some other negative emotion, if they feel the sex is either not enough, or not wanted by the other party. Duty sex if you will.

The other person tends to feel nagged, pressured, not good enough and not valued for what they do give to the relationship. Sometimes they will feel that everything is about sex.

The reality is that both people still love each other and the reasons underlying the loss of sexual intimacy usually have nothing to do with love, or the lack of. It is not about being not good enough, not attractive enough or not worth it.

Similarly, for the person not wanting sex, it isn’t that your only value is sex, it isn’t that your partner is obsessed, it isn’t that what you do elsewhere in the relationship is not of value.

A loss of sexual intimacy can be incredibly hurtful and very damaging in a relationship, unless both parties understand why and are working to a solution together.

There is no “right” sex. The quality, quantity, how, what, where, are up to each couple and for each person within that relationship to communicate to their partner exactly what their needs are.

And this for me, is the starting point of where this part of a relationship starts to come apart. Couples simply don’t talk about sex enough. There may be high level conversations.

“We need to have sex, it’s been ages”.

“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to do that”.

“I’d like to do something different”.

“We never have sex anymore”.

“All you ever think about is sex”.

These statements are thrown around and sometimes there is a minimal response, sometimes nothing. These statements though, are the start of what needs to be an important conversation.

Start talking about sex!

It is crucial for a healthy relationship to discuss what your needs are and how it makes you feel.

It is completely normal for couples to have mismatched libidos. It is also normal to go through periods where sex isn’t happening much and there is an obvious reason. It is also completely valid to have periods where the intimacy is not as it needs to be, but it needs to be understood and accepted by both people.

Every relationship goes through stages where the sexual intimacy declines, where the time simply isn’t there for the relationship, where both people can’t put into the relationship as they would like to and need to in many ways.

But, it needs to have a healthy conversation around it. It needs to have a plan and a solution discussed. Using an excuse such as health, lack of libido, stress, too busy, these are all valid, but they are not a reason to stop talking and looking for solutions. They are not a full stop.

In a healthy, loving relationship sexual intimacy plays a vital role. Make sure you are having healthy conversations about yours.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

In my last article I spoke about anger and the negative impact it can have in our lives. I had such a big response to that article, that I have decided to follow up with another aspect that I see often in relationships around anger.

This time though, I want to focus on when other people read us as angry when we aren’t angry.

How often have you been asked by your partner, a friend, your kids, “are you angry”, when you quite simply aren’t feeling anger? More often though, these people will “see” that we are angry and respond as they would if we were intentionally showing anger. They will walk away, get ready to defend or ready to attack.

Now if you are not feeling angry, that can be an action that makes no sense to us. Sometimes it can be hurtful.

Let me explain with an example.

I have what we like to refer to as “resting bitch face”. I like to call it “my thinking face.” I dislike cooking. I am not a great cook and find no enjoyment in it. With a large family, it is hard to produce a meal that everyone loves and that is easy for me. Cooking is a chore. A big chore. When I am cooking, I am not angry, but I am usually deep in thought.

Frequently, before my family accepted “my thinking face”, one of them would walk into the kitchen and take one look at my face whilst I was cooking and read “anger”. Now depending on who it was, the reaction would vary.

One would ask why I was angry.

Someone else would turn about and exit as fast as they could.

Someone else would tell me I am angry and then be annoyed themselves.

You get the picture.

I was never angry. I rarely express my feelings with anger, I’m pretty tuned into me as you would hope doing this job. Usually what it was they were reading was one of these:

• Me thinking about what I need to do next in the meal preparation.
• Me thinking about what I haven’t yet done that day and planning.
• Me analysing something in my head that was highly entertaining to me.

When I am in that space, I rarely notice anyone in the room anyway if they enter quietly. I simply was thinking. I wasn’t angry, sad, unhappy. I wasn’t anything negative at all. I was lost in my thoughts.

But to them, I looked angry. And they reacted as though I was. That didn’t feel nice for me. If someone just walked away and left, then I might wonder later on why they were being quiet and think something was wrong for them.

Their incorrect reading of my angry looking thinking face, set the tone for the evening. Not great.

When I realised this was quite common, I addressed it directly with each of them. They now know to ask me, “Are you angry”? And I will respond with an explanation for what they are obviously reading. Our evening then goes along as it should.

I see this with couples and with kids and parents quite a lot. It isn’t always reading the facial expressions incorrectly. Sometimes it is the tone, sometimes it is the volume, sometimes it is just in the delivery being abrupt.

Often, when someone is showing what is read as anger and isn’t, what they may really be feeling is:

• Sad
• Hurt
• Scared
• Confused
• Stressed
• Tired
• Anxious
• And sometimes, like me, they may just be thinking hard.

What do you take from this? Well unless you know for sure that they are angry, and I mean actually know, not just using your mind reading powers, then ask them! Maybe not in the moment. That can be hard to do if you think it is anger. But after, when you feel calm and safe, ask them. Let them know that in that moment, you thought they were angry. Ask them if you read it correctly and if not, what was it they were feeling/thinking.

Learning what is real and what we have imagined can change the whole dynamic of relationships. Any relationship.

Anger doesn’t serve us well. Even worse when we aren’t angry but get labelled as that. Something to consider in your relationships.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling