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You are here: Home / Archives for Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

How effective is Online Counselling?

 

Online Counselling

 

What a year of changes for the world. The biggest change for me personally, is how I now work with clients.

For over a decade I have been helping people in my counselling rooms in Baulkham Hills. With the advent of Covid, I wanted to continue to the work I was doing but could no longer see people face to face. As much as I didn’t think online counselling could be as effective, I had no choice if I wanted to continue the work I had started with many people. More than ever, clients wanted the support of their counsellor.

After a few days of sitting and doing nothing, I put in place online counselling sessions using Zoom. I’d never heard of it before this and suddenly it is a major means of contact and work for many of us.

The first online counselling sessions with my clients were unexpectedly seamless. We continued the work we had been doing and the feel was just as intimate. Clients told me that it felt just as good as being in the room with me.

Many people are put off by the idea of online counselling as they have been attending work meetings online and find it to be harder. The big difference is that it is just us. There is no big group, just you and your counsellor working with each other in a dedicated space.

Online counselling sessions for me, became a place where I was still connecting with my clients and providing a counselling service, but somehow, instead of decreasing the connection, it seemed to make it closer. A little less formal, a little easier to connect with the person on the screen and overall a really great experience.

The human connection is still there for counselling which is really important.

What else is great?

Well so far I have Zoomed with my clients in all sorts of spaces that work for them.

  • In the park on lunch break
  • At their home office
  • From their work office
  • In their car (this seems to be a favourite!)
  • From the same suburb
  • Living in another country (explains the clock behind them being a different time!)
  • On their lounge in their pajamas
  • In their kitchen
  • At a primary school on lunch break
  • Driving home from work (phone for this one, not video)
  • Kids on the laps
  • Kids playing in the background
  • Dogs saying hello. Many, many dogs!

I’m looking forward to more interesting sessions as we go along. Quite literally, wherever people are, they can jump in for a remote counselling session and then get back to what they are doing with no travel time.

Online counselling has made it more accessible for everyone, more relaxed and just as effective. The response from clients has been great too. Some told me they like to see me in person (they feel calm with me) but once they had tried an online counselling session and experienced how efficient and effective it is, they are happy sticking with remote counselling.

And so, from the lockdown that stopped me in my tracks delivering my service and helping people, I have a new way of delivering my skill set to people and I’ve decided to stick with it. I look forward to meeting you on Zoom in the future.

Filed Under: Online Counselling, Relationships, Self-esteem Tagged With: Online Counselling, relationship counselling, Remote Counselling, self-esteem counselling

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

10 Things to Help You Parent After Separation

As hard as we might try to keep our relationship healthy, at times it is better to separate and accept that happiness does not lie with your partner. When children are involved, separating adds a whole new level of difficulties and challenges for couples.

Separating is tough enough on its own, but being a parent means we are required to be in regular contact with our ex-partner whilst also dealing with the grief that separation often brings. This article is focused on giving some basic tools to help parent your kids safely through the initial separation. I am mindful that these strategies are best practice and may be difficult for many people to put into place whilst coming to terms with the end of the relationship. These are just guidelines to help you find a starting place with your co-parenting and not a definitive guide of must do’s. This stage is tough for everyone so don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself or beat yourself up if you don’t always get it right. Try and use these ideas as a starting point and then perhaps seek a counsellor who can help guide you through this difficult stage in your life.

Following are ten things you can do to help your kids transition well to their new life.

  1. Don’t parent with guilt. Most parents feel guilty that they are separating and not providing the ideal life for their children. That’s hard and an emotion that you need to work through, but don’t start parenting differently to make up for it. Keep discipline much the same, have the same routines as much as possible, the same expectations of the household.
  2. Don’t spoil your kids with presents to make up for the change in their life. This is especially true of the parent who has less custody (yep, I know, sometimes it is 50/50). Be careful not to become the weekend Santa Claus. It might bring a smile to their face but the reality is you are probably making the parenting job harder for both of you down the track. Spoil them with love instead, hugs and your time are good places to start.
  3. Don’t introduce new partners any time soon. If you have already started a new relationship, be careful to make sure your children are in a good space for further change before you try and bring new people in. There is no set time around this, it really depends on the children and many other factors.
  4. Don’t say mean things about the other parent. I know that can be really hard, even if you chose to separate, parenting together can cause all sorts of grievances for you to deal with. Share them with someone more appropriate, friend or counsellor is a good starting point.
  5. Further to point 4, don’t talk badly about the other parent to other people whilst the children are in earshot. Kids become very interested in what is happening in the adult’s world when things change and they somehow develop super hearing powers, so be aware of where they are when it is adult talk. Some people do this accidentally and some people do it intentionally, the result is the same, it hurts the kids.
  6. Don’t use the kids to send messages back and forth to each other. If you are on good terms and the kids know it, sure you can tell them to mention something to Mum or Dad, but don’t use them if there is tension. If you need to communicate and it is too tense to do so by phone or in person, email is a great way of keeping it safe for everyone and away from the kids. It’s also less invasive than constant texts.
  7. Don’t interrogate the children when they return from the other parent. This is really damaging and over time kids can start to get anxiety over visits, not because they don’t want to see the other parent but because they know one of you will expect answers and they don’t want to upset anyone so they start to choose their responses. This is not healthy for kids.
  8. Do ask them how their time with the other parent was, but keep it casual and short. Once they feel they can talk freely with no negative consequence to anyone, they will share information about how they spent their time naturally.
  9. Remember, they still love the other parent. They may not have had the best relationship or they may have had an awesome one, but either way they usually love both parents. Let them, it’s healthy for them to have both parents if it is possible.
  10. Try as much as possible to keep routines and rules similar in each house. This is easier of course if you are on good terms but regardless of your relationship with your ex, your kids will benefit and so will you.

Separation is tough on everyone, but all concerned can, and most likely will go on to form healthy, happy lives once the grieving has finished. The timing and success of this partly depends on how well the adults manage this transition for their kids. If in doubt, seek help in navigating this difficult life change.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: divorce, parenting, separation

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

How a Previous Relationship can affect your current relationship

previous-relationship-current-relationshipIf you are in your first serious relationship, then chances are you have very little baggage that affects your current relationship. You see your relationship with fresh eyes and form expectations based on the actions and behaviour of your partner. If you have previously had a long-term or serious relationship before your current one, then you very likely have some expectations already formed from prior relationships.

Whilst this can be a healthy thing at times, for example, we know exactly what we value in a relationship and what we won’t put up with, it can also present with problems that perhaps we didn’t expect.

At times I work with couples who are in a new relationship and they find that problems that occurred in their past relationship are recurring. Sometimes those issues aren’t actually there, but past hurt makes you believe that it is what you have. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

Do you have empathy in your relationship?

empathy-in-relationshipWithout empathy in a relationship, it is unlikely to survive and thrive. Empathy is the backbone of a healthy relationship. The couples that I work with that display a high level of empathy, are most likely to get a productive result from relationship counselling and also require less time in the process or counselling.

Empathy allows couples to find a way to overcome different perspectives and emotional reactions in life and become a strong, team rather than sitting in their opposing views and causing a distance in the relationship.

Empathy is essentially being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand how they might feel. While it is not always possible to have the same emotions as each other, trying to understand how it has affected your partner and at the very least accepting that is has an emotional impact on them, goes a very long way in forming and maintaining a strong connection in a relationship.

Most people have a natural level of empathy that we apply to friends and colleagues, yet we often withhold this same empathy from our partner. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman 2 Comments

9 Signs your relationship may be in trouble

9 Signs your relationship may be in troubleOften when couples come to counselling for their relationship, they are in such a bad place that it can be difficult or even impossible to repair. Often at this stage at least one of the couple has decided to leave the relationship and is simply going through the motions of counselling.

The best time to go to couples counselling is when the relationship is healthy or when you are first noticing that it is not as rewarding as it used to be. It’s a little like servicing your car. You can get it checked when you first notice something isn’t quite right, or you can ignore the signs and wait till it breaks down to look at it.

So what are some of the signs that your relationship may be in trouble? [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: relationship counselling, relationship problems, relationship trouble

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

10 Signs you are in the right relationship

10 Signs you are in the right relationshipOften the initial attraction in a new relationship is the physical attraction and building on that, couples find if they are compatible in other ways. Sometimes couples enjoy the relationship but don’t actually stop to think if the relationship is in fact a good fit for the long term.

Many couples I work with that are thinking of exiting a long term marriage, will say that they fell in love and the relationship worked so they didn’t pay attention to the little things that perhaps weren’t a good fit. With the benefit of years, they say it is not a relationship they would choose again and in fact will be looking for different things in their next relationship.

So how do you know if your relationship has a good chance of going the distance? Below are some important factors in creating a solid, healthy relationship. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

Relationships Are A Team Sport

Relationships-are-a-team-sportWhen we think of sports, there are two distinct types, team sports and individual sports. When we look at relationships, couples start out playing as a team and then at some point, switch to the tactics of an individual sport. Or, a team sport that is played badly!!

At the beginning of a relationship, most people will play as though they are part of a team (if they aren’t then it probably doesn’t stand a chance anyway). They work together to get desired results and to help each other. The mindset at this point is not about how to win the game on your own, but how to win the game together by looking out for your team mate and working together to achieve a common goal.

As a relationship progresses and gets into the comfort zone where you start to take each other for granted (and of course not every relationship does this), the mindset becomes that of an individual sport. How can I get to the finish line first, how to I achieve what I want from this? [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

The Romantic Relationship After Children

The-Romantic-Relationship-After-ChildrenDo you and your partner feel like you are flatmates raising children together rather than the romantic couple you started out as? If you do, then you are not alone with many couples saying that they have found themselves in the exact same place after children.

Typically, it seems that once the children come along, couples turn their attention to raising the kids and keeping the finances in order. After some years of this, many couples will look at each other and realise that they do not have a romantic relationship anymore. In fact, many couples will tell me that they feel so disconnected that they are not even sure if the relationship is salvageable.

A significant number of couples I work with for relationship counselling will find that this has happened to them. Often they recognise this but don’t know how to change the current situation or to get the real relationship back on track. Also by this stage, there are often other issues that have surfaced as the relationship has been left to stagnate. Issues such as constant or volatile fighting and infidelities are two areas that seem to evolve frequently from this ‘flatmate’ stage of a relationship. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Secrets-of-a-Happy-MarriageHave you heard the saying, “happy wife, happy life?” When it comes to marriage that saying is only half true. Although, you can read endless books on the topic, those of us currently living the dream, will tell you there is one critical component to staying happily married.

Many times married couples feel pressure to conform to one partners needs giving up a little bit of what they want in the meantime. However, in order for your marriage to be balanced and happy, it requires commitment from both partners. A happy marriage consists of understanding each other’s hopes and dreams and then helping make them into a reality. It’s called compromise! Crazy simple, right?

Not really, compromise has a range of definitions and depending on how long you have been married, it will look different for each couple. Compromise can be as simple as deciding where to go for dinner, or where to go on vacation. Other times, it can be as serious as, are we aligned on our financial goals, what are we willing to give up in order to be truly happy, or will we have children? But the key in all scenarios is to understand each other’s dreams and then compromise to make them a reality.

Someone once told me, remember marriage isn’t 50-50, divorce is, marriage has to be 100-100. It’s not about splitting everything into yours, and mine but rather both partners giving everything 100% of the time.

Filed Under: Relationships

By Sharon Chapman Leave a Comment

Do We Need Marriage Counselling?

marriage-counsellingMarriage is a beautiful contract established between two individuals who choose to live their lives together.

It’s no secret that most married couples sailed through their budding relationship, engagement, and honeymoon period with flying colours. It’s so easy to maintain passion and intimacy when things are fresh, new, and exciting. And then life happens.

We get busier. Life’s overwhelming demands never seem to ease up. We expand our families and experience sheer exhaustion like we never even knew existed. We run into road blocks, are faced with setbacks and struggles, and we are forced to make tough decisions. Days run into weeks, and weeks run into months, and before we realise the magnitude of or monotony, we’ve settled into a routine that lacks the spark that originally started the fire.

A marriage is hard work, just like a career, parenting, or finishing up your higher level of education. It takes effort, practice, and devotion in order to succeed, and when everything else is taking priority, we have a tendency to put our marriages on the backburner. We stop actively communicating with our spouse because we assume they already know what we should be telling them. We take them for granted, and we forget how important it is to verbalise our feelings.

In fact, the number one reason that couples file for divorce ultimately boils down to a lack of communication. This is closely followed by financial disagreements and lack of support and/or trust – both of which could be addressed with sufficient communication. Essentially, almost all major reasons that couples choose to break their marital promises should be resolvable with adequate communication. Unfortunately, when couples allow themselves to become distant, bitter, angry, or resentful, attempts at communication often result in hostility, defensiveness, and arguments.

Do We Really Need Marriage Counselling?

If your marriage has reached the point where communications are always heated and there is little to no compromise in your relationship with your spouse, marriage counselling could be the answer to your problems. If you have tried confronting your spouse about your situation, and the two of you are unable to find level ground, a marriage counsellor can be a neutral buffer that not only facilitates civil and unbiased conversation, but helps to uncover the roots of your dissatisfaction. An experienced marriage counsellor can provide helpful exercises that will teach couples how to communicate and ways to approach and resolve their problems.

Most people assume that marriage is supposed to be a happily ever after of sorts and when the going gets tough, divorce is the easy solution. Unfortunately, divorce often has a profound impact on all involved. It may not just affect the couple, but can involve children, extended family members, and mutual friends.

If your marriage is suffering from a lack of communication, hostility, bitterness, and resentment, maybe it’s time to address the issues before they allow your relationship to become completely destroyed. Perhaps you are a newly engaged couple and you are determined that your marriage is not going to become one of the thousands that fall to the passive depths of divorce. If so, consider marriage counselling so that you can approach your commitment with the tools to help prevent monotony and unhappiness.

Regardless if your marriage is in distress or if you feel that you and your spouse are on top of your game, marriage counselling is always a great way to open doors of communication, learn ways to become even further connected, and continue your marriage as a fully devoted couple that will stick it out, till death do us part.

Filed Under: Relationships

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Sharon Chapman: Relationship, Self-Esteem and Parenting Counsellor

Sharon Chapman

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