When couples start searching for a Hills relationship centre for marriage counselling, they’re usually hoping for one thing: real help from someone who understands relationships and who genuinely cares.

At Affinity Counselling, you’re not walking into a busy commercial office with a rotating list of practitioners. Instead, you’re stepping into a calm, private space in Baulkham Hills, a welcoming room that feels more like home than a clinic. It’s quiet, confidential, and intentionally designed to help you feel safe from the moment you walk in.

A Counsellor Who’s Walked This Path with Hundreds of Couples

I’m Sharon, and I’ve been working as a relationship and marriage counsellor here in the Hills District for over 15 years. In fact, I was one of the original relationship counsellors to set up practice in the area. While many others have chosen to build large counselling businesses, I’ve made a different choice. I’ve stayed hands-on, continuing to work directly with couples every week because that’s where the real change happens.

This means when you come to Affinity Counselling, you’re not being passed off to someone new. You’ll always work with me. I’ll get to know you both, understand your relationship in detail, and tailor our work so that it actually fits your life not a generic counselling template.

Why Couples Choose a Personalised Experience

Let’s be honest: talking about your relationship is vulnerable. The last thing you want is to feel like just another appointment in someone’s calendar. That’s why the environment matters.

At Affinity Counselling, you’ll find:

• A private, non-clinical space with its own separate entrance.

• Flexible appointment times that fit your schedule.

• A counsellor who listens, challenges, and guides with care.

• No judgment, just practical support and genuine conversation.

Many couples say they felt unsure before their first session. That’s completely normal. My role is to help you feel comfortable quickly, and most people find they relax within minutes of walking through the door.

What to Expect from Marriage Counselling

Marriage counselling isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding. Together, we’ll look at the patterns and dynamics that are making things difficult. From there, we’ll build practical tools to help you communicate better, resolve conflict with less stress, and feel connected again.

Over time, you’ll gain insight into yourselves as individuals and as a couple, and you’ll learn how to rebuild trust, strengthen your bond, and move forward in a way that feels right for both of you.

Whether you’re feeling stuck, constantly arguing, or just want to feel close again, marriage counselling can be the circuit-breaker that starts real change.

A Local, Dedicated Hills Relationship Centre

If you’re looking for a Hills relationship centre for marriage counselling that feels calm, personal, and grounded in experience, you’re in the right place. Affinity Counselling is here to support couples across Baulkham Hills, Castle Hill, Norwest, Kellyville and the surrounding Hills District suburbs.

You don’t need to wait until things are at breaking point. Many couples find that early support can prevent years of stress and misunderstanding. If you’re ready to talk or even just thinking about it, I’m here when you’re ready.

Get in touch to book your first session or find out more. You’re welcome to reach out and see if it feels like the right fit.

Why small actions can make a big difference – and how they relate to healthy communication

When we think about relationship problems, we usually think of the big issues, infidelity, constant arguments, or emotional disconnection. But in reality, it’s the little things that often shape how connected or disconnected a couple feels over time.

At Affinity Counselling, where I offer marriage counselling in the Hills District, I regularly see couples who say things like, “We are fighting all the time over little things, it’s just stupid” or “We just don’t feel connected anymore”. That’s often because the little moments, the daily interactions, habits, and expressions are what build either closeness or resentment.

The Power of Small Gestures

A kind word in the morning. A quick hug in the kitchen. Saying thank you after your partner empties the dishwasher. These might seem small or insignificant, but they help your partner feel noticed, appreciated, and emotionally safe.

In fact, research shows that consistent small gestures of connection are more important than grand romantic gestures when it comes to long-term relationship satisfaction. It’s these everyday acts of kindness, empathy, and attention that keep a relationship strong and resilient.

When the Little Things Go Missing

The absence of small positive actions can slowly create emotional distance. Ignoring your partner’s greeting at the end of the day, being distracted by your phone during dinner, or not noticing when they’re feeling down can all add up.

Over time, these moments can leave one or both partners feeling invisible, under-appreciated, or alone, even if no major conflict exists.

If you’re finding that tension is building but you’re not sure why, it may be time to reflect on the little things and how they’re showing up (or not showing up) in your relationship.

Little Things That Make a Big Difference

Here are just a few examples of small habits that can build connection and trust:

• Making eye contact when you speak
• A good morning or goodnight kiss
• Offering to help when your partner seems tired
• Remembering important dates or events
• Listening without interrupting
• Saying “thank you” and “I appreciate you”
• Checking in during the day with a quick text

These aren’t hard to do, but they often get lost amongst everything else in daily life especially when work, kids, and stress take centre stage.

How Marriage Counselling Can Help

In my work providing marriage counselling across the Hills District, I help couples learn about the small things that have meaning in their relationship.

We explore:

• What connection looks like for each person
• Which daily habits bring closeness or create distance
• How to rebuild intimacy through small, meaningful actions
• How to make changes that feel doable and lasting

Marriage counselling isn’t just about working through big problems; it’s also about fine-tuning the small stuff to make your relationship feel strong again.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships aren’t built on grand declarations or dramatic changes. They’re built on the little things, the daily choices to show up with kindness, respect, and intention.

If you’re feeling disconnected or like something’s missing, you’re not alone. And you don’t need to wait until things are falling apart to seek help.

Affinity Counselling offers marriage counselling in the Hills District, including Baulkham Hills, Castle Hill, Norwest, and surrounding areas. If you’re ready to reconnect and rediscover the joy in your relationship, I’m here to help.

Book your session online at affinitycounselling.com.au

In any relationship, communication is super important. In our romantic relationships, communication takes on a different emotional meaning and is often harder to get right than in any other relationship.

One of the simplest but most important tools we have is the word “sorry.” But adding a “but” after it can undo the entire apology.

At Affinity Counselling, I often see couples trying to repair a minor issue or misunderstanding and it blows up into something much larger.

A common reason for this? Apologies that come with conditions. If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, but I was just tired,” or “I’m sorry, but you made me feel that way,” you’re not alone. These kinds of statements feel more like deflections than true apologies.

The “but” cancels out the apology.

Why “But” Cancels an Apology

When you add “but” after saying sorry, it changes the focus. Instead of owning your part in the situation, it shifts blame onto your partner or the circumstances. It often sounds to the other person that you are coming up with excuses and not taking responsibility. It can make your partner feel unheard or dismissed although that usually isn’t the intention.

Genuine apologies are powerful because they show empathy and accountability. Saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” without explanation, allows your partner to feel validated and respected. This simple acknowledgement creates a foundation for a healthy conversation.

How to Say Sorry the Right Way

Want to improve communication in your relationship? Here are a few tips for meaningful apologies:

• Be specific – Say what you’re sorry for (“I’m sorry I snapped at you during dinner.”)
• Don’t justify – Leave out the “but.” You can explain later, once the hurt has been acknowledged. The order of this is crucial.
• Stay present – Focus on how your partner feels, not just what happened.
• Follow through – A sincere apology includes a commitment to do better if that is required.

Why This Matters in Marriage and Couples Counselling

One of the key goals in couples counselling is helping both partners feel heard and understood. Learning to communicate with empathy and without defensiveness builds trust. Learning the art of healthy communication, starting with something as simple (and as hard!) as a real apology.

It sounds so simple, but the reality is, sometimes in couples counselling sessions we can spend weeks trying to navigate the simple art of saying sorry in a healthy way. It’s also very common. Not too many of us feel secure enough in ourselves to simply say “sorry” and not explain ourselves.

You Can Learn Better Communication

If you and your partner often find yourselves stuck in arguments that go in circles, it might be time to get some help. Good communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about connection. I work with couples every day to build stronger relationships through honest, respectful conversation.

Getting rid of the “sorry, but” statement is a good place to start.

Feeling stuck in your communication?
To read more on healthy communication in your relationship, have a look at this article, How Do You Communicate Better With Your Partner?

Or book a couple’s therapy session today at affinitycounselling.com.au and let’s get started.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

One of the things I notice is that when a romantic relationship ends and we are grieving that ending, we focus on all the wonderful things in that relationship. I see this firsthand in marriage counselling.

A couple presents for marriage counselling, they have a list of things that bother them (completely normal, that’s why they’re coming to see me!) and sometimes, they are questioning whether they want the relationship at all. On occasion, one person will end the relationship with little notice and then what I hear, is the wonderful parts of the relationship and their partner from the grieving partner.

Now while this is also completely normal and part of grieving the relationship (and a truly horrible place to be), I wonder why we don’t focus on all of these wonderful things while we are in the relationship? Perhaps then our relationship would be a healthy relationship.

Our brains are wired to look out for the negatives. It is how we keep ourselves safe. We do this everywhere. When we are driving, we are watching out for potential problems. Bush walking, we are watching for snakes and spiders, amongst enjoying the scenery. Even walking down the street, we usually have an awareness of any potential problems.

This is all wonderful and keeps us safe for the most part. But in a relationship, it is damaging. It’s hard to enjoy a relationship when you are focused on what isn’t great about it.

All of us can look at our relationship and find issues with both it and our partner. Below is an example of some typical things I hear from people.

Focusing on the Negatives:

• Always late home
• Messy with clothes in the bedroom
• Doesn’t give any input for what is for dinner
• Doesn’t always listen well
• Not good at planning
• Lazy with housework
• Snores

You get the idea, there are lots of little things that bother us in our relationships. But if all I do is focus on the above list, 2 things will happen. I will feel unhappy in the relationship, how can I not, I keep telling myself all the problems? I won’t put in as much effort in the relationship as it feels negative so the relationship won’t be as healthy as it can be.

Now if I take these negatives and look for the positive that comes with it as well as other small things I take for granted in the relationship, it might look like this.

Focusing on the Positives:

• Doesn’t care if I am messy
• Is really easygoing with meals and doesn’t complain even when it’s toast for dinner!
• Completely accepting of how the house is run and how it looks. Doesn’t even mind the purple wall I really want!
• Doesn’t care if I get stuck talking to a friend and arrive late.
• Is spontaneous and fun, because he doesn’t make plans.
• Works really hard to provide financially even though I don’t need that, the intent is to care.
• Is super loyal.
• Doesn’t care if I read late at night (while he’s snoring!).
• Is supportive of anything I want to do.
• Will always take my phone call at work even when he’s busy.

Now this positive list isn’t going to set the world on fire with feelings of love and romance. But, if I keep telling myself all of these positives, 2 things are going to happen. I am going to feel content in my relationship and I will likely put more effort into the relationship, thereby creating a healthy relationship.

Of course there are other things needed to create a healthy relationship, but a great starting point is to stop focusing on the negatives and start focusing on the positives.

If your partner left you tomorrow, what would you miss about them? What would you be seeking in a new relationship that you had in this one? What are you taking for granted in your partner and your relationship right now?

My suggestion? Start writing a list of all the things you love or appreciate in your partner, all the positives. Also include the positives as you see them in your relationship. Add to this list. Actively look for these things. Keep this list on your phone or somewhere handy. Look at it often. Then the next time something small bothers you in your relationship, pull this list up and read through it. Remind your brain of what it isn’t noticing in that moment.

Want to learn more about Healthy Relationships, have a look at other articles I’ve written including What does a healthy relationship look like.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

As an experienced marriage counsellor in the Hills District working in my local area, I often see on social media and hear from people around the area, that they are vaguely unhappy in their relationship. There is nothing “actively” wrong with their relationship. There is no abuse, their partner is a good parent, they mostly work well as a team. But the relationship isn’t fun anymore. They don’t feel connected, they don’t feel in love, they’re going through the motions. Their relationship is boring.

People are asking, “Is this enough”? “Is being in a relationship that isn’t fun what they should settle for”?

Maybe rather than ask if we should stay or leave, we should be asking “How to we make this relationship fun again”?

So many couples are focused on making sure they have good communication and learn how to solve conflict. Awesome, we need these skills to have a healthy relationship. But that is a bare minimum. Learning how to talk well and not fight needs to be a baseline for a healthy relationship to be built on. Loving the relationship, having fun with it, feeling connected, those things that first drew you to this relationship, those things matter. Those are the things that make the relationship enjoyable and not just functional.

How do we get the fun back in our relationship?

1. Make the relationship the priority. Shift something in the week to make sure the relationship gets time. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a healthy relationship and have fun with my partner than have a perfectly presented shower. Sure, I want my shower clean, I am hygienic and like a clean space. But I also like my relationship. So, if it means I don’t clean the shower this Saturday and instead go shoot my partner at Paintball (or get shot in the back by him!) and give the shower a basic clean during the week, then that’s a win for me. My relationship being fun and fulfilling is going to make me much happier than a perfect shower cubicle. Whatever it is, shift something to make time. When our kids were younger, we would move a small outdoor table into our bedroom, grab a bottle of wine and a cheese platter, set the kids up with a movie and pizza and have date night in our room. Some music, a dance, some good laughs as we acted like teens hiding out in our room. We don’t always need babysitters to get date night.
2. Have fun doing chores. Boring huh? Well, if the only time we have is chore time and I’m weeding the yard and he’s washing the car, that sounds boring and a waste of potential quality time. Now if we wash the car together, we can get some music going, have a laugh, some banter and get the boring chores done too. Divide and conquer doesn’t work well in relationships.
3. Plan ahead. Every couple I have worked with over the years, and that is in the hundreds of couples, thousands of people, want date night but don’t plan it. Guess what, a want without a plan is just a dream! Plan it. Put it in the calendar or better still, prebook and pay. Amazing how motivated we can be when we have already paid for it.
4. Bring the banter back. I bet when you were dating you contacted each other during the day. I imagine there were flirty texts, jokes, emojis, plans, phone calls to check in, compliments, words of love. What do you have now in the way of this? Use your dating time as a template and start to get that spark back.
5. Prioritise each other’s happiness. Do things the other person likes because it makes them happy. Making each other happy is a great way to find connection. I love kayaking. My partner who is scared of nothing in life except sharks, comes paddling with me. He’s quietly terrified most of the time but he makes it happen because he knows I love it. I in turn watch his sports with him even though most of the time I have no interest. I show interest because it makes him happy and I am interested in that. What can you do to make your partner happy to be them?

Healthy relationships are more than good communication. They are about making it fun to be with each other. It will take effort to put these things back in place but it’s better than living in space of “should I stay or should I go”!

If you get stuck, reach out for some relationship guidance and coaching.

As always, here if you need.

As a marriage counsellor, one of the main areas I help couples with is the challenge to communicate around conflict. We all seem to be able to communicate well with friends and work colleagues, why then, do we struggle to feel heard with our partner?

There are many reasons we struggle to have good communication in our relationships but today, we are going to focus on how to hear our partner.

One of the most important aspects of communication in relationships, is listening with curiosity and trying to understand what your partner is trying to communicate. Sounds simple. It is. Until they are saying something negative about us. Then it is perhaps one of the biggest challenges we face in a relationship.

Even for me, as a marriage counsellor, it can be challenging in my own relationship to hear what my partner is telling me when I feel like I want to have my say and explain or defend myself.

If your partner needs to present an issue to you, that involves you, what you need to practice is hearing. Listen, acknowledge, ask questions, summarise to see you have the right message. Don’t defend. Don’t explain. Don’t stonewall. Don’t attack.

Sounds easy. It’s just listening right?

Listening in a relationship is a learned skill. Very rarely do I meet a couple who do this well naturally. But the good news is that it can be learned.

Learn how to communicate about the issues and your relationship can conquer pretty much anything.

How do we listen well?

1. Listen without interrupting. Look like you are listening, pay attention. The same as you would if someone at work was speaking to you.
2. Acknowledge what your partner has said to you. You may not agree, it might not make sense, it might feel hurtful. You still need to acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you bad, and it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.
3. Ask questions if you need to in order to understand more fully what they are trying to express. Check back with them if you have heard right. Be curious as to what they are feeling.
4. Summarise what your partner has said, make sure you got the meaning of the message and what they are feeling.

I get couples to do this exercise in marriage counselling sessions. We go through the steps and what is needed and then I ask them to talk to each other over something minor that is bothering them. In couples therapy, they have then benefit of a counsellor helping to guide this communication.

As they speak to each other, almost always, the person who is listening will either interrupt, give their perspective, defend themselves or attack back. It’s our natural instinct to protect ourselves and explain why we aren’t wrong.

The problem that we always encounter is that factually, both individuals are usually right. What this means, is that couples start to talk as though they are in a court room. Sounds familiar?

You can both be right. Different perspectives of the same situation are valid. But if one person has raised an issue, then they feel it matters to them and we need to know why.

Here is an example of a couple getting stuck in the logic warfare conflict.

Max: “I don’t like it when I am disciplining the kids and you interrupt and take over”.

Jane: “I do that because you are too loud and they don’t like it so I have to step in”.

Max: “I don’t think I’m too loud, you yell more that I do”.

Jane: “No I don’t. I spend way more time with them than you do”.

Max: “That’s because I’m working to support us. You can go to work if you want and I’ll stay home”.

Jane: “I hate it when you say that, we decided I would stay home and you always hold it against me”.

Max: “No I don’t. I’m just trying to tell you to let me parent when I am here and you won’t”.

Jane: “I’m the one that knows them best, I spend all my time here and they don’t like you yelling”.

Max: “I’m not yelling”.

I could go on and on with this dialogue and in fact, this sort of communication happens all the time at the start of couples counselling until I interrupt and get us back on track.

In this communication, Max feels undermined with his parenting and Jane justifies instead of listening. They then change subjects and end up airing all sorts of grievances. Nobody feels heard. Nothing is solved. They end up feeling hurt by each other.

This is a typical communication style with couples, and it can be changed.

Here is an example of this communication going well.

Max: “I don’t like it when I am disciplining the kids and you interrupt and take over”.

Jane: “I’m sorry Max, I didn’t realise you felt I was doing that”.

Max: “Yes, any time I am trying to get them to listen, you jump in and start talking to them. It looks like you’re in charge and I don’t matter”.

Jane: “That makes sense, I didn’t look at it like that. You don’t want me to say anything when you are talking to them”?

Max: “I only step in with them when I feel like they are disrespecting you and I don’t like it. I’m trying to protect you and then it looks like you are on their side, and I’m left out”.

Jane: “Oh that’s so lovely that you are trying to look after me. When you step in and get loud with them, you think they have disrespected me, and you are trying to help is that right”?

From here, Max will feel heard. Jane can then present her perspective and if Max also listens well, they can then go on to solve it together.

I can’t stress enough how hard this communication is to do. I get couples doing this is session and as a couple’s therapist, it feels really nice for me when they start to really hear each other well and have effective communication. I will often step in to give a gentle nudge if someone starts defending or attacking, but as they practise, they naturally get better at it.

Listening to negatives in your relationship is hard. Healthy communication when you are part of the “problem” is hard. There are often two very different but real perspectives of a situation in a relationship. Hearing your partners perspective doesn’t make yours wrong.

Couples who learn this skill can solve just about anything in their relationship.

It is a skill worth learning. Good luck!

Need help? Book a session to practise communication with a couples therapist here.

This is an interesting question and one that was posed recently by a client. Most of us just assume we are working in and on our relationship with our partner. When it works, we feel justified in what we are doing. When it doesn’t, we usually blame the other person.

What if, a healthy relationship is a learned skill? Who then actually takes the time to learn this skill? Not many of us really. Not until it isn’t working.

When you stop to think about it, a relationship requires us to know how to communicate well and so we need excellent communication skills. It also requires us to understand what makes our partner happy and we need to learn this. Most of us just assume that we already know this and don’t ask the questions to really get down to the basics of what makes your partner tick. We also need to learn time management which might sound strange but we need to always manage our time so there is time for the relationship.

Relationships require financial skills how do we manage our money together how do we find a way that works for both of us?

A relationship means we need to learn how to have our individual time and what that looks like. Too many people give up this part of themselves in a relationship and lose their identity. Hard to have a relationship with somebody who has lost their identity.

A relationship requires patience have you learned the skill of patience yet?

A relationship requires a mostly mentally healthy individual. Self-insight, the ability to take responsibility for your part in the relationship and a willingness to learn.

If you have children, then your relationship requires you to learn how to raise a human and become an expert in human behaviour.

All of these skills and many more are required to have a healthy relationship and yet none of us see that our intentions are not enough. We need to learn the skill of how to have a healthy relationship.

So, we get back to the question of what makes a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships can be many things and in fact for me it seems to be on a spectrum where parts that wouldn’t be tolerable for one couple are very comfortable for another. For example, some couples are happy to have raised voices and solve arguments in the moment with elevated volumes and this works for them. Other couples would be horrified by this form of communication and would see this as a bad relationship.

These are some of the things I see in healthy relationships:

• The ability to listen to your partner without reacting defensively or attacking. To actually listen for what your partner is trying to say and hear what they need. Listening to learn, not listening to react.
• Knowing who you are and being your authentic self. And, having your partner celebrate who you are. Do you get to be yourself in your relationship?
• This is super important and is very subjective to every individual and every couple. Do you have enough individual time to fill up on who you are? Is the relationship being given priority in daily life and given the time it needs?
• This is not something we do well. Usually if we don’t get it, if it doesn’t make sense to us, then we don’t accept it. Often, we just need to accept something about our partner or a need they have.
• Well obviously. But there is a big difference between knowing your partner loves you and feeling loved by your partner. Do you even know what makes your partner feel loved? The tiny little things that make a difference in them feeling loved by you. Show love. Every single day.
• Honesty and trust. What does this look like? It means you trust your partner if they are home late that they aren’t doing something bad. You trust that your partner will do the right thing for you and the relationship. You trust that you will be there for each other in the bad moments. You can go through each other’s phone any time you need but you never need to.
• You feel safe. Safe physically is a given. But also, safe to talk about anything you need to and safe to make mistakes in the relationship.
• Physical and sexual intimacy. No set rules here on the quantity of these things. The quality matters but also you both need to feel there is enough for you to feel loved. Couples can have very different needs and a healthy relationship we care about what our partner needs and work together to make sure both people are happy in this area.

These are some of the areas that you need to check in on and see if you have them covered.

An example of a healthy relationship. This is a pretend story with Aria and Max.

Aria is extroverted and loves to be around people. Max is more introverted, and work fills him up for the most part for his social needs. Max knows Aria needs more social time and encourages her to do what she needs so she can still be her. She plays organised sports twice a week, sees her girlfriends once a week and will usually stay at work for a function once a fortnight. Max will go and watch her play her sports sometimes and cheer her on. Max enjoys the quiet time at home playing his guitar and chatting to friends about music. Aria will sit with him sometimes when he is playing and just keep him company. Both organise different dates and experiences to share. Aria plans camping trips knowing that is what Max loves and Max will organise a night in the city for them to see a show together as he knows she loves that.

They are busy with work but check in with each other during the day via text to let each other know they are thinking about them. If someone has an accident, the other drops everything and goes to help. They are each other’s first priority when things are difficult.

Aria is very affectionate and Max not so much, but he has learned what she likes and will snuggle with her in bed before they go to sleep. Aria then lets him have his space, knowing he loves her but likes to sleep in space.

Most evenings they will try and have a chat about their day and download to each other. If they can’t, they will still check in. They make dedicated time once a week to really have a good catchup. At this time, they let each other know the small things that have bothered them. They have become good at listening and getting curious to work out how to navigate whatever the issue is, so they have a good outcome for the relationship.

Max is really into his fitness. He gets up early for a run and Aria accepts his alarm will wake her too but it is important to him, so she doesn’t complain about it. Max makes Aria a cup of coffee when he gets back from his run and has it waiting for her when she gets up.

They are both looking out for things that will make the other happy. They think about each other a lot. Aria will buy him a new piece of music equipment she knows he has had his eye on but didn’t get around to buying. Max knows Aria loves her nights with her friends and will suggest she go out and he will pick her up later.

They are good friends.

They accept each other. They are each other’s cheerleader. They get to be them. They feed the relationship every day in small ways. They communicate well around anything that comes up in their relationship.

They are always kind to each other, even when they feel hurt.

This is one variation on a healthy relationship. These relationships typically don’t just occur with no effort. Healthy relationships take work.

This relationship might sound make believe but it is completely possible. It takes personal growth and awareness and the desire to learn about your relationship and practice the relationship skills until they become habit.

If you read this and realise that your relationship might not be as healthy as it could be, don’t despair. Acknowledging that change is needed is the first step.

Are you ready to create a healthy relationship?

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman.