If you are in your first serious relationship, then chances are you have very little baggage that affects your current relationship. You see your relationship with fresh eyes and form expectations based on the actions and behaviour of your partner. If you have previously had a long-term or serious relationship before your current one, then you very likely have some expectations already formed from prior relationships.

Whilst this can be a healthy thing at times, for example, we know exactly what we value in a relationship and what we won’t put up with, it can also present with problems that perhaps we didn’t expect.

At times I work with couples who are in a new relationship and they find that problems that occurred in their past relationship are recurring. Sometimes those issues aren’t actually there, but past hurt makes you believe that it is what you have. [Read more…]

Without empathy in a relationship, it is unlikely to survive and thrive. Empathy is the backbone of a healthy relationship. The couples that I work with that display a high level of empathy, are most likely to get a productive result from relationship counselling and also require less time in the process or counselling.

Empathy allows couples to find a way to overcome different perspectives and emotional reactions in life and become a strong, team rather than sitting in their opposing views and causing a distance in the relationship.

Empathy is essentially being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand how they might feel. While it is not always possible to have the same emotions as each other, trying to understand how it has affected your partner and at the very least accepting that is has an emotional impact on them, goes a very long way in forming and maintaining a strong connection in a relationship.

Most people have a natural level of empathy that we apply to friends and colleagues, yet we often withhold this same empathy from our partner. [Read more…]

Often the initial attraction in a new relationship is the physical attraction and building on that, couples find if they are compatible in other ways. Sometimes couples enjoy the relationship but don’t actually stop to think if the relationship is in fact a good fit for the long term.

Many couples I work with that are thinking of exiting a long term marriage, will say that they fell in love and the relationship worked so they didn’t pay attention to the little things that perhaps weren’t a good fit. With the benefit of years, they say it is not a relationship they would choose again and in fact will be looking for different things in their next relationship.

So how do you know if your relationship has a good chance of going the distance? Below are some important factors in creating a solid, healthy relationship. [Read more…]

When we think of sports, there are two distinct types, team sports and individual sports. When we look at relationships, couples start out playing as a team and then at some point, switch to the tactics of an individual sport. Or, a team sport that is played badly!!

At the beginning of a relationship, most people will play as though they are part of a team (if they aren’t then it probably doesn’t stand a chance anyway). They work together to get desired results and to help each other. The mindset at this point is not about how to win the game on your own, but how to win the game together by looking out for your team mate and working together to achieve a common goal.

As a relationship progresses and gets into the comfort zone where you start to take each other for granted (and of course not every relationship does this), the mindset becomes that of an individual sport. How can I get to the finish line first, how to I achieve what I want from this? [Read more…]

Do you and your partner feel like you are flatmates raising children together rather than the romantic couple you started out as? If you do, then you are not alone with many couples saying that they have found themselves in the exact same place after children.

Typically, it seems that once the children come along, couples turn their attention to raising the kids and keeping the finances in order. After some years of this, many couples will look at each other and realise that they do not have a romantic relationship anymore. In fact, many couples will tell me that they feel so disconnected that they are not even sure if the relationship is salvageable.

A significant number of couples I work with for relationship counselling will find that this has happened to them. Often they recognise this but don’t know how to change the current situation or to get the real relationship back on track. Also by this stage, there are often other issues that have surfaced as the relationship has been left to stagnate. Issues such as constant or volatile fighting and infidelities are two areas that seem to evolve frequently from this ‘flatmate’ stage of a relationship. [Read more…]

Have you heard the saying, “happy wife, happy life?” When it comes to marriage that saying is only half true. Although, you can read endless books on the topic, those of us currently living the dream, will tell you there is one critical component to staying happily married.

Many times married couples feel pressure to conform to one partners needs giving up a little bit of what they want in the meantime. However, in order for your marriage to be balanced and happy, it requires commitment from both partners. A happy marriage consists of understanding each other’s hopes and dreams and then helping make them into a reality. It’s called compromise! Crazy simple, right?

Not really, compromise has a range of definitions and depending on how long you have been married, it will look different for each couple. Compromise can be as simple as deciding where to go for dinner, or where to go on vacation. Other times, it can be as serious as, are we aligned on our financial goals, what are we willing to give up in order to be truly happy, or will we have children? But the key in all scenarios is to understand each other’s dreams and then compromise to make them a reality.

Someone once told me, remember marriage isn’t 50-50, divorce is, marriage has to be 100-100. It’s not about splitting everything into yours, and mine but rather both partners giving everything 100% of the time.

Marriage is a beautiful contract established between two individuals who choose to live their lives together.

It’s no secret that most married couples sailed through their budding relationship, engagement, and honeymoon period with flying colours. It’s so easy to maintain passion and intimacy when things are fresh, new, and exciting. And then life happens.

We get busier. Life’s overwhelming demands never seem to ease up. We expand our families and experience sheer exhaustion like we never even knew existed. We run into road blocks, are faced with setbacks and struggles, and we are forced to make tough decisions. Days run into weeks, and weeks run into months, and before we realise the magnitude of or monotony, we’ve settled into a routine that lacks the spark that originally started the fire.

A marriage is hard work, just like a career, parenting, or finishing up your higher level of education. It takes effort, practice, and devotion in order to succeed, and when everything else is taking priority, we have a tendency to put our marriages on the backburner. We stop actively communicating with our spouse because we assume they already know what we should be telling them. We take them for granted, and we forget how important it is to verbalise our feelings.

In fact, the number one reason that couples file for divorce ultimately boils down to a lack of communication. This is closely followed by financial disagreements and lack of support and/or trust – both of which could be addressed with sufficient communication. Essentially, almost all major reasons that couples choose to break their marital promises should be resolvable with adequate communication. Unfortunately, when couples allow themselves to become distant, bitter, angry, or resentful, attempts at communication often result in hostility, defensiveness, and arguments.

Do We Really Need Marriage Counselling?

If your marriage has reached the point where communications are always heated and there is little to no compromise in your relationship with your spouse, marriage counselling could be the answer to your problems. If you have tried confronting your spouse about your situation, and the two of you are unable to find level ground, a marriage counsellor can be a neutral buffer that not only facilitates civil and unbiased conversation, but helps to uncover the roots of your dissatisfaction. An experienced marriage counsellor can provide helpful exercises that will teach couples how to communicate and ways to approach and resolve their problems.

Most people assume that marriage is supposed to be a happily ever after of sorts and when the going gets tough, divorce is the easy solution. Unfortunately, divorce often has a profound impact on all involved. It may not just affect the couple, but can involve children, extended family members, and mutual friends.

If your marriage is suffering from a lack of communication, hostility, bitterness, and resentment, maybe it’s time to address the issues before they allow your relationship to become completely destroyed. Perhaps you are a newly engaged couple and you are determined that your marriage is not going to become one of the thousands that fall to the passive depths of divorce. If so, consider marriage counselling so that you can approach your commitment with the tools to help prevent monotony and unhappiness.

Regardless if your marriage is in distress or if you feel that you and your spouse are on top of your game, marriage counselling is always a great way to open doors of communication, learn ways to become even further connected, and continue your marriage as a fully devoted couple that will stick it out, till death do us part.

In a previous article How to Survive Infidelity in your Relationship I discussed the ‘rules’ and basic steps that need to be followed for a couple to try and restore their relationship after an affair. In this article, I explore further how the betrayed spouse can learn to manage the resentment, overcome affair, and continual thoughts they have about the infidelity.

Surprisingly, many couples will choose to work to keep a relationship after an affair has come to light. Initially, when couples get together, they usually state that if the other has an affair, then the relationship will be over. This tends to be the case in a relationship that is short in length but more often, when couples have been together for many years, and often created a family together, they will choose to try to work through the affair.

Discovered the Affair

When the affair is first discovered, there is often a great deal of shock, even if there was suspicion, and then follows a cycle of feelings that can leave the betrayed person feeling like they are going crazy.

Often people who find themselves in this situation will tell me that they need reassurance that they are ‘normal’ because their feelings are so heightened and can be dramatically different from one moment to the next. They may be relaxed one moment and speaking normally to their partner and the next moment they are sobbing and screaming hysterically at them. This is normal and as long as you are doing the right things, it will pass.

Overcome Affair

So how do you move on? Firstly, accepting that it is a big deal, is incredibly hurtful and will take time to work through. For many people it can shake the very foundations of their self-view. For others, they lay blame firmly at the feet of their partner and need to exact revenge without taking any share of the responsibility for repairing the relationship.

It is incredibly important to realise that you are not to blame. It was not your choice or decision and you are not responsible for your partner’s actions. It is also important to accept that the relationship being vulnerable to an affair is the responsibility of both partners. This can be tough as you didn’t choose to do the wrong thing but you can’t repair the relationship and have a healthy relationship if you are not willing to look at the foundations.

That being said, there are a number of challenges for the betrayed partner that often get in the way of being able to help work on repairing the relationship. Recurring thoughts of your partner with the other person, a sense of resentment that they are getting away with it, a feeling of being stupid in other people’s eyes for staying, questioning whether they loved the other person, associating special dates with the infidelity and the questioning of “what was wrong with me”?

These are common thoughts that arise for many people. It is important that you talk to your partner about these as much as possible initially to get the answers you require. After you have exhausted that avenue, if the thoughts are still there (and they usually are), then you need to find strategies to work through them yourself.

Many people will tell me this isn’t fair because the other person did the wrong thing and they are the one that is paying the bigger price. No it’s not fair but it isn’t a choice.

Strategies to help overcome resentment and negative thinking

1. Have a good friend or family member that you can speak to safely. Use them to talk about your feelings and doubts. You are not after answers from them, it is just a safe avenue to be heard and unload what is running through your head.

2. Keep up your hobbies and interests. If you had none, then now is a great time to try and find something for you to enjoy. It is about having other distractions so that every moment is not dedicated to thinking about the affair. It is also important to try and make yourself feel good doing other activities.

3. Focus on what you and your partner are doing well now. What is different and good about the relationship? Look for the positives each day. If you and your partner are working on fixing the relationship, then they should be doing some positive things so try and be in the moment with them and look for these.

4. If you continually have the same thoughts running through your head, then write them down. Look at the thoughts you are having and see if there is a trigger for these thoughts. Are they realistic and real or are you looking for problems and imaging scenarios?

5. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to run away and take control. It is important to not try and push them down, but you can’t allow them control either. When you get a negative thought, allow yourself 10 seconds to reflect on it and then try and think of a positive in your life at that moment. Sometimes even a non-negative will do. Keep thinking of positives until the negative thought has faded.

6. When a negative thought strikes, stop, breath slowly and focus on what you were thinking about immediately before the thought, then try and think about the thought before that and so on. This is both distracting and can be helpful in identifying triggers.

7. Get your partner to write you a love letter. Seems strange perhaps but many people who are genuinely trying to repair their relationship after an affair have said they find a great deal of comfort in this. Your partner can say all the right things but they are not with you every moment and this is often when the doubts set in. Having a letter to be able to carry with you and read through in a bad moment can be a big help.

8. Try and create new memories and habits together. If you ate dinner in front of television, then starting eating at the table, if you always did chores on the weekends, carve out some couple time to go for a walk. Creating new, healthy habits is important for the relationship but is also helpful in terms of recovery as there are a lot more good memories to fall back on in difficult moments.

Overcoming an affair is traumatic and can take a long time. Don’t be critical of yourself and think you should be ‘getting over’ it quickly. If you have a good day and then a bad day, that is OK. If you have lots of bad moments and one good moment, then that is progress. There is no set time limit to recovery. Allow yourself to feel but be aware that you can help yourself move in the right direction by trying the techniques above.

If in doubt, seek help. Often a third party helping you to navigate the problems as they arise can make the difference between overcoming and affair and creating a great relationship, and giving up because it is too hard.