Self-esteem | Affinity Counselling

27Oct, 2023

Low Self-Esteem and Communication in a Relationship

Low self-esteem has a massive impact on many parts of the individual’s life. From jobs, friends, hobbies right through to impacting the romantic relationship and how healthy the communication is.

In this article, I want to highlight one of the most common problems in relationships and communication that is impacted by low self-esteem. This is probably something I speak about every day in couples counselling sessions.

This communication problem is common in relationships but is multiplied by low self-esteem.

What am I talking about?

Hearing a negative message when there wasn’t one. Huge problem!

Have you ever found yourself talking to your partner (or possibly a relative or friend) and found that they react badly to what you are saying even though you didn’t mean anything negative? You’re not alone. This is very common.

You then find yourself backtracking, trying to explain that you didn’t mean whatever it was they were thinking. Sometimes you might see that they react badly, but they say nothing and then you are not being spoken to or you feel you are “in trouble” and have no idea why.

We have all had these interactions. They aren’t fun and we are often left feeling frustrated trying to explain ourselves.

At times this can be such a common issue that couples just stop talking about anything other than functional things they have to talk about, just to ensure that they don’t fight.

I’ll give you some examples:

Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner, have you finished getting ready?”

Cecilia: “Yes, what’s wrong with this? I had to get the kids sorted while you just sat there, I’ve been running around all day, I didn’t get time to wash my hair”.

Dan: “Um, ok, I wasn’t having a go at you”.

Cecilia: “Yes you were, whatever I wear is never good enough for you, why don’t you go get yourself a younger partner if I’m not good enough”.

Dan: “I wasn’t saying you aren’t good enough, you look really nice, I just wanted to use the bathroom and wanted to see if you had finished.”

Cecilia: “No you didn’t. I know I’ve put on weight, but you try having a couple of kids and see how you look after. I’ve got nothing that fits properly.”

And from here, it either deteriorates and they go out not talking to each other (ever met that couple for dinner when they walk in with that awful energy??), or maybe they don’t go out. Maybe it escalates to a big fight.

Exploring this dialogue, and this is what I do with couples every day, let’s take it apart and see what Dan was really saying and how Cecelia heard what she did.

Dan was simply asking if Cecelia was ready to go because he was being a gentleman and wanted her to finish up with the bathroom before he dived in and took over. It only takes him a few minutes to get ready, he doesn’t put too much effort in. He also wasn’t sure of the dress code for the night so asked her if that was the outfit she was wearing so he knew what to wear. Was it casual, could he get away with his favourite shirt is what he was really thinking?

Totally innocent, nothing mean there, in fact a genuine act of kindness in making sure he wasn’t taking the bathroom before she was finished.

Then what happened that Cecilia heard such an attack?

Cecilia has had 2 children and is unhappy with how she looks at the moment. She feels like she is overweight and hasn’t put much effort into her appearance lately as she is busy being Mum. Usually doesn’t matter much but when she dresses to go out with friends and finds it hard to find clothing that fits how she wants, she is really sensitive about how she looks. She doesn’t tell Dan this though.

They are meeting another couple for dinner, and they don’t have kids so she knows the other woman will look great (in her view anyway).

What she hears from Dan when he asks if she is wearing what she has on is that she looks awful. When he asks if she has finished getting ready, she hears that she hasn’t done enough to look good.

Cecelia feels awful within herself. Dan just sees his wife that he loves.

Cecelia feels unattractive. Dan has always thought she was beautiful (he probably doesn’t tell her this often these days though).

Cecelia is embarrassed of how she looks, she was fit before kids. Dan doesn’t notice the weight she sees, she is the Mum of his kids, that is attractive.

If Cecelia had been confident about how she looked, even with baby weight, then the response may have looked like this.

Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner, have you finished getting ready?”

Cecelia: “Yes Babe, I’m done, bathroom is all yours. And no, you can’t wear that ratty old shirt you are hoping to wear”!

How simple is that?

When we have doubts about ourselves, our self-esteem is impacted. The impact of low self-esteem on relationships can look like these minor interactions but over time, these add up and cause major problems.

Low self-esteem with communication is like putting a filter against your ear and hearing whatever gets put out at the end of running through that negative filter. It can cause major relationship problems.

Think about your relationship now. Is this you and your partner? What role are you playing? Do you need to do some work on improving your self-esteem or does your partner need to address theirs?

As simple as this seems, relationship counselling is often a good place to help unravel these issues and then do some individual work for each of you to make the changes needed to create healthy communication and have a healthy relationship.

This is one small sample of self-esteem, communication and relationships.

To learn more about self-esteem issues, checkout this article, Self-esteem and Healthy Relationships.

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

18Aug, 2023

Self-esteem and Healthy Relationships

Anyone who knows me or has worked with me for a while, will know that I am passionate about the link between low self-esteem and healthy relationships. I literally see this in some form every week.

Our self-esteem, or our internal view of ourselves, significantly influences how we engage in relationships, both with ourselves and those around us. In this article, I will look at some of the impacts of low self-esteem on healthy relationships, and how nurturing one can positively impact the other.

The Impact of Self-Esteem on Relationships

Healthy Boundaries: Individuals with healthy self-esteem tend to set and keep clear boundaries in relationships. They understand their needs and who they are. They will maintain their interests to keep their personal identity within the relationship.

Effective Communication: Healthy self-esteem helps individuals to express themselves openly and assertively. This leads to better communication, less misunderstandings, and better emotional connections. It also allows individuals to listen without being reactive in a negative way. They don’t feel attacked or the need to justify themselves when presented with a negative.

Vulnerability and Intimacy: Healthy self-esteem enables a sense of security, allowing individuals to share their vulnerabilities and engage in deeper emotional intimacy without fear of judgment.

Conflict Resolution: Healthy self-esteem gives individuals the confidence to address conflicts avoiding unnecessary escalation and promoting positivity within the relationship.

The Impact of Relationships on Self-Esteem

Validation and Support: A supportive partner can enhance self-esteem by providing validation and encouragement, improving a person’s sense of worth.

Challenges and Growth: Relationships can challenge our self-perceptions, promoting personal growth and self-discovery. Overcoming obstacles together can lead to increased confidence and resilience.

Positive Feedback: Healthy relationships that nurture self-esteem create a positive feedback loop. As self-esteem improves, individuals bring more positivity to the relationship, further enhancing its quality.

How to nurture Self-Esteem within Relationships

Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your imperfections and treating yourself with kindness, just as you would with a loved one.

Independence: Keep a sense of independence and continue pursuing personal interests, fostering a well-rounded sense of self.

Mindfulness: Try to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, avoiding negative self-talk that can undermine self-esteem.

Open Communication: Discuss your feelings, needs, and insecurities with your partner. Their support and understanding can help boost your self-esteem.

Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking therapy to work through these issues and build a stronger foundation.

Building and maintaining healthy self-esteem is important for the individual but also very important for the relationship. By looking after our self-worth, we create a space to have a healthy relationship.

19Apr, 2023

Healthy Self-Esteem is Created

People who have worked with me know that self-esteem is one of the main areas I work with and something I have been really passionate about for decades. Helping people to see who they really are and embrace that person gives me personal fulfillment.

One of the things that is so sad to me is that people know they have low self-esteem, but they don’t think it can be fixed so they adapt to living with a negative view of themselves. This tends to trap them in a life that isn’t a good fit for them which makes it hard to be genuinely happy. The other part of this is that people believe it is somehow their fault that they feel this way.

It is not your fault!

Our self esteem is formed throughout our childhood and teen years. We aren’t responsible for this, we are guided by our caretakers, those around us with influence and the experiences we are exposed to. Our brains are literally not completely wired at this point, and we don’t navigate this time in our lives for ourselves with an adult brain. Realistically, during this time, we are reacting to the situations around us and learning who we are through this.

Home life, parenting, mentors, school and activities we participate in all shape our self-view. Sometimes it is supported, at other times it is challenged.

Our personalities combined with the external factors, create our view of ourselves – our self-worth or self-esteem. We don’t choose who we are or what we see when we look within ourselves.

You are not responsible for your self-esteem when you are a child or teenager.

As an adult, you are not responsible for your self-esteem and how it was formed, but you are responsible for changing it. Nobody else can fix it but you. People around you can support you, but they can’t fix it. You can choose to stay within the confines of low self-esteem and the limitations on your life. Or you can choose to make the changes needed both in your thinking and in your life to create good self-esteem for yourself.

Is it fair? Nope. But then very little in life is designed to be fair. Our childhoods and experiences are simply what we have been given to work with. How we choose to work with it as adults is up to us. You have 3 choices. Accept you will live life as you are, making allowances for your self-esteem and the limiting choices that come with that. Do life feeling like a victim with no power which is an unhappy way to live. Or, find a professional to help you work out who you really are and learn to be good with that. Learn how to be your authentic self and life a life that makes you content.

Sometimes we are just not ready to take the step to work out who we are. We find a comfortable, safe way of living and it is enough. That’s completely alright. Just understanding sometimes that the change is possible when you are ready to take that step can be enough.

A lot of people think that they can fix their self-esteem themselves. By reading self help books, listening to podcasts etc. While these are really wonderful starting points and can provide some good insights, I have found over the years, that typically it is not enough to help the thinking of oneself shift. When we have our core beliefs around ourselves fixed in a negative space, then it is helpful and often necessary to have someone else dispute them. It takes time to shift the thinking that is incorrect but first you need to see it and accept that it needs change. This is where having someone external help you see it is useful.

Usually, people don’t address self-esteem as a standalone, important issue. Instead, when I get to work with people on this really important area, it has come presented as something else. Symptoms of self-esteem are more readily identifiable and blamed both for individuals and in relationships.

Things like anger, being stuck in routines, being reactive, addictions, promiscuity, acting out (in teens), anxiety, depression and fighting in relationships are all some of the things that bring people in to see me for help. Then while working on those things, we see that the core issue is in fact low self-esteem. We work to improve this area as well as focusing on the symptoms.

It isn’t a quick fix. Changing the symptoms can certainly be achieved reasonably quickly in some areas. Others take time to get change. For self-esteem that is deep and has a good hold, it can take consistent work over a period of time to shift it. Most people get worried about this but what I have come to see over the years, is that when you start to work on it, the relief at gaining some control, knowing change is happening is so great that the counselling sessions become something most people, even the most reluctant, start to look forward to.

It isn’t your fault it started. It is your responsibility to change it.

Here if you need. X

13Aug, 2022

The Importance of not giving a damn

The other day I met a lady who intrigued me by her very healthy level of self-esteem. This is not something I see often, and certainly not to the degree she displayed her self-esteem. She wasn’t overly confident in a negative way. She wasn’t full of herself. She was just very comfortable being her. She genuinely didn’t care what strangers, or even most people, thought of her. She in fact found it confusing that people do care about what other people think of them.

How very lucky she is to be given the gift of great self-worth. It is something that develops usually over our childhood and teen years and we are incredibly fortunate if we feel this way. For many, I’d actually go so far as to say most people, creating a strong sense of self is a journey and a work in progress often into adulthood.

How often have you wondered what someone has thought about how you look? What you said? How you presented yourself? How you completed a task? How you are as a parent? How you conduct your work?

It’s not bad to be curious about this. As long as it is simply a vague curiosity and doesn’t impact you in any negative way. For many, that negative thinking takes seed and grows over time until that internal voice is very busy keep track of all the external factors that actually have nothing to do with them. And usually, all negative. The positives are left to go their own way.

There is a wonderful saying, “What someone else thinks of you is none of your business”. And yet how often do we imagine what they might be thinking of us?

Learning to not give a damn about what others think of us is a large part of being able to genuinely be us. Being authentic you is the only way to start a path to being content in life.

You were born to be YOU. You can’t be anyone else and do it well. Cats don’t pretend to be dogs, dogs don’t pretend to be horses. Animals accept they are just them. We could learn a lot from animals. (Yes, I am an animal lover!).

So how do we practice not giving a damn?

It is a process and it takes time, but there are some small things you can do to start.

Social media cleanup

Whilst we all know that social media is essentially a highlight reel of people’s lives, viewing it over and over still has an impact on our brains. Look through your social media. Anything you genuinely enjoy, anything that brings happiness to you, keep it on your radar. Anything that makes you feel any kind of negative emotion, get rid of it. Silence people, leave toxic groups or chats, if it doesn’t make your life better, then it needs to go.

That perfect friend with the perfect life. If that doesn’t make you happy and feel good about yourself, then seeya (I’m talking online here). That perfect parent, that perfect body, that amazing relationship – time to let them all go back to the world outside of yours.

You aren’t missing out on anything good if it makes you feel bad. You are only missing out on lowering your mood and your self-worth.

Learn who you really are

I can’t tell you how often I work with lovely people who have no real clue of who they are. They have learnt to be what they thought they “should” be. They have learnt to do what needs to be done. But they haven’t learnt what actually makes them feel content being them. Do you know who you are? What are your hobbies? What does your perfect day look like? Do you like outdoor activities? Do you like parties and large social gatherings or do you prefer smaller groups? Do you like animals? Do you love to travel? Who are you really? If you know what you like and you aren’t doing it then you can’t be the real you. If you don’t know what you like then you can’t be you.

You are not the centre of everyone else’s universe

Now that sounds not so nice, but the reality is that each of us is very busy in our own heads. All day, every day.

What you are wearing when I see you at the shops is probably not on my radar.

If it is, then maybe it is because I love fashion and I am curious how your outfit might suit me.

It might be because you look great and I think that I don’t look so great today.

It might be because I have that exact outfit at home.

Maybe I am busy in my head and don’t even really notice you even though I am looking at you.

It could be that I wouldn’t have the guts to wear such a cool outfit.

And maybe, it is because I am judging you by my standards of what I like.

In all of these examples of what I might be thinking, you don’t even come into it. All the thoughts in my head revolve around me. Even if I am judging you, that is my issue. That is about me and my opinion.

So then, when you are next wondering what someone else is thinking about you, the answer is, you are only part of the story about them. You are a minor player, they are the star of the show. You are not the centre of their universe. You are the centre of your universe. Who cares what they are thinking?!

Practice these small things every day and you will start to realise that you are perhaps investing too much energy into people you don’t know or may not even like. Where is the sense in that?

If you doubt yourself and care what others think, focus on these small changes and you will, hopefully, be on the first steps to learning to be YOU!

30Nov, 2021

How Positive Thinking Impacts Our Mood

I found recently that my mood was lower than it normally is and had to question why? Usually, I am a pretty happy character and feel content and positive. I had to stop and really look into why I was feeling a bit “off”. What I realised, was that there was nothing different in my life and nothing wrong, I was simply immersing my brain in some heavy material.

I am an avid reader and found a new author I loved, who unfortunately, writes serial killer books and they were getting darker as I went along. Added to that, as a family, we were watching a television drama series also focusing on this theme (coincidence only!!). Essentially of an evening, I was filling my brain with negative images and thoughts then sleeping on that.

Whilst these were both absorbing stories which I was enjoying, I came to realise that I was filling my brain with so much negativity, that I was lowering my mood. So, I ditched the author and found a “happy” book to read and switched up my tv viewing also.

The result was that I was back to my happy self within a day or so. It made me really reflect on how much our brain and what is running through it, often without us realising, can directly impact how we feel.

We have no direct control over how we feel, but we can target our thoughts and turn them into a more positive focus to help us feel better. Of course, we can’t just “think” ourselves out of something like depression. But we can make small adjustments and those small adjustments can in turn make us feel slightly better which in turn can help us make other changes in our lives. It has a positive flow on effect.

As an example, say I am having a romantic dinner with my partner and he is running late. Now I can focus on the fact that he is late and start letting that negative dialogue build in my brain. It might go something like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“He still isn’t here, our food is going cold, it is going to be disgusting by the time he gets here”.

“He always let’s me down. If this was his mates he would be on time. He is so selfish.”

“I don’t think I even want to have dinner with him now. He obviously doesn’t care.”

Now I am probably unaware that I am even thinking these thoughts, I have just let them have free reign in my now angry brain. I have gone from feeling excited to see him to feeling hurt and angry at him. And all he has done is be a bit late for dinner. Putting that in perspective, it probably isn’t that big a deal, but I have let this moment take over.

Now imagine he walks in the door, 30 minutes late. Again, not that big a deal but he is apologetic and says that he left early but there was a traffic jam and he had no charge in his phone. I am so irritated now from my negative thinking that I sit and have dinner with him but I am grumpy and it is a horrible experience for both of us.

Now if I had taken control of my thinking and been aware to keep it positive, it may have gone something more like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“Oh well, it’s only dinner, I know he was looking forward to it too. I hope he is ok, must have got caught at work or something. Hopefully he will be home soon”.

“He’s still not here. Maybe I should put the food in the oven. I guess if it is spoiled, we can always order pizza, that would be like old times when we couldn’t afford fancy meals”.

“I hope he is ok, I am a bit worried. I’m sure he just got caught at work. I love his work ethic, he probably just forgot the time. Hopefully he will be here soon”.

You can see from this dialogue, I am keeping focused on the positive, keeping perspective and problem solving.

He walks in the door 30 minutes later and I greet him with a kiss and ask why he was late. He responds that he is really sorry, traffic was bad and his phone was dead. I tell him no problem and we have a great night together.

You can see how different my evening was from how I thought about the same event. My relationship was also directly impacted by my thinking.

How we think can impact everything in our lives from our personal happiness, to friendships, work, parenting and romantic relationships. How do we do this then?

It is actually quite difficult to keep our thoughts in a positive direction all the time because watching for the negative is how we stay safe. It is a basic human instinct. But we need to learn to tune into our dialogue and try and manage it into a positive focus.

Naturally there are times when things are not so easy to deal with. Nobody ever had a car crash and had positive dialogue around that, but the degree of negative dialogue matters too.

How do we start to train our brains to think positively?

When you first wake up, try and think about your day and find a couple of positive things in it. It may be as simple as the weather is nice or you had a good sleep. They don’t need to be big things, anything works, it is a great way to start the day.
During the day, stop and focus again on what is in your head. Have you been positive or negative? Small things in our day can cause all sorts of thinking and can make or break our day so tune in.
Everyone has heard of the gratitude list. It may sound like self-help nonsense but it is a wonderful way of getting perspective. Write a list of the things in your life you are grateful for. Big, small, anything that matters to you. Often it is things we take for granted but if you didn’t have them, you would feel the loss. What are those things?
The next time you are feeling low, pull out your gratitude list and remind yourself of what is good in your life.
If you feel yourself thinking a negative thought, stop and examine it, how can you spin that thought into something more positive? Maybe you just need to put some perspective around it.
If you are focused on a negative event, try asking yourself if it will matter in a few months time. If the answer is “no”, then maybe you need to switch up your dialogue around it to something more positive.

It can be draining trying to fix our thinking but it can have a wonderful impact on our lives. Remember that you can’t fix depression just by changing your thinking so please don’t put pressure on yourself if you can’t do this. It is hard to do when we are feeling low and doesn’t feel real either.

Practice and small steps and always being kind to yourself are the best starting point.

If you need help to work on your thinking or your mood, please reach out.

1Nov, 2021

Are you mean to yourself?

One of the few things that still surprises me after working as a counsellor for so long, is how mean people are to themselves. I get to work with some really beautiful people with wonderful hearts who are generally kind to those around them. The only person they are intentionally mean to is themselves. Some of the things they say to themselves with their internal dialogue is not only cruel but wrong. So obviously wrong sometimes that it is hard to see how they even arrived at that thought!!

All of us have our own internal chatter. This is normal. But how accurate that chatter is, how kind it is, will largely determine how you feel about yourself and life overall.

Healthy, positive dialogue will help you be your authentic self and keep you focused on the right path for yourself. It will help you make the best choices for you. A positive voice will be forgiving of mistakes and empathetic in the right moments. A healthy voice will help you have healthy relationships. It will help you pursue a career path you want. This voice will help you surround yourself with people who are right for you. It will help you to look after yourself and not allow others to treat you badly. A healthy voice matters.

Unhealthy, negative dialogue will stop you from being completely authentic and content with yourself. An unhealthy voice may stop you from being who you really want to be. An unhealthy voice may get in the way of the career choices you may actually really want. The unhealthy voice may keep you in a relationship that isn’t good for you or perhaps date people who don’t align with you. An unhealthy voice will make life harder. It will not help you be content.

So, what are some examples of healthy and unhealthy dialogue?

To show this, I am going to use some real examples of past clients. These examples aren’t one client, but a blending of what I hear from people put into one example for the sake of confidentiality.

Unhealthy example: Tina is a 37 year old Mum of 2 who came to counselling as she was feeling like she had lost her identity and whilst life looked like it should be good, she wasn’t happy. After working with Tina, we learnt that she had grown up trying to please her parents and she thought that the best way to get approval was to do what others wanted (not true but a belief system that was set when she was a child). Tina tried to be kind to everyone and owned the behaviour of her family and friends. If someone was upset, she wondered what she had said wrong and would try even harder to be perfect for them. She never said no to anyone for fear of upsetting them. As a result, she was going to parties and outings that she didn’t like but pretended to in order to fit in and please people. Her husband was the only one she was her authentic self with and she would vent her frustration and unhappiness at him. He couldn’t understand why Tina was so nice to everyone else and not to him.

Tina’s internal dialogue was that she didn’t really fit in with the other Mums at school, she wasn’t quite skinny enough and she could never think of the ‘right’ thing to say so she was often quiet and then she thought that the others must think she was boring. She didn’t have a career, she was a stay-at-home Mum and she felt that she should feel grateful for this, but really, she resented it and wished that she had pursued her dream of becoming a teacher. She didn’t tell anyone this because that would seem ungrateful for her ‘perfect’ life. Tina knew what she wanted but her internal dialogue wouldn’t allow her to follow her needs.

Tina was kind to everyone else and mean to herself, constantly telling herself that she was boring, didn’t say the right thing, wasn’t allowed to be sad, should be grateful for the life she had even though a lot of it wasn’t what she wanted. As a result, she was mildly depressed and watching her life from the outside with sadness.

Tina was in fact a really great person who was funny, intelligent and drew people to her. Her husband thought he was looking after her by telling her not to work but was happy for her to study and pursue a career if she wanted. Her friends thought she had it all together and loved having her at their events. In sessions, we worked through her negative dialogue and Tina was able to identify what she really wanted in life and pursue it. She also learnt to say no to things she really didn’t want to do. Tina, with a lot of work, changed her internal dialogue to be more accurate and positive and became her authentic self.

Healthy Example: Alice was 33 and came to counselling as she had a boyfriend who she had been dating for 2 years but was questioning the relationship as he was pushing for children together. She wanted to work through her thinking as people kept telling her she should stay in the relationship. According to her family and friends, her partner was so nice and she was at the age to settle down and have kids. She was pretty adamant with what she wanted but felt she would use a counsellor to bounce around her ideas before making a decision.

Alice worked as a marketing manager of a large company and loved her work. She played team sports on the weekend, went to nice dinners, travelled in her free time and spent a lot of time with her friends doing various things she enjoyed. Alice didn’t think she wanted kids. She was waiting for the moment to kick in that everyone spoke about but she never felt the urge. Her boyfriend really wanted kids and they were starting to argue about it. She had told him at the start that she didn’t think she wanted kids and he thought that she would change her mind over time. He was now putting pressure on her to decide.

Tina had really healthy internal dialogue. When people told her she should want kids and might regret it later, Tina thought to herself that they were the odd ones wanting kids and she was happy with her choice. When family suggested that she might end up single and alone if she didn’t have kids with her boyfriend, her internal thinking was that they meant well but she knew what she wanted and it was the life she had set up for herself. She thought that if her relationship ended because of not wanting kids then she would be sad but she would be alright single too, she was capable of being alone and liked her own company.

Tina thought to herself that she had worked really hard to get to the top of her career and it gave her both pleasure and fulfilment. She didn’t want to change that and her thinking around that was that she was happy she had achieved her dream and wasn’t going to be swayed by others thinking she was wrong.

Tina went out with friends and if they didn’t want to go with her, she assumed they were busy or had something going on. She never once thought that she had done something wrong. She didn’t own anyone else’s behaviour. Tina was a really lovely person who often made kind gestures towards others, but she never once doubted that she was wrong in how she wanted to live her life. She was good at saying no to things she didn’t like. Including having children. She was living her authentic life and was very happy and content.

Alice didn’t need any guidance in counselling. She simply needed a blank canvas with no judgement for her to talk out loud her thinking around such a big decision.

How we speak to ourselves matters. It doesn’t always have to be positive. Sometimes we may need to give ourselves a kick along. But it has to be healthy. Our internal chatter impacts every area of our lives.

So, what is your internal dialogue like? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Is your dialogue healthy?

If it isn’t, then chances are you aren’t living your authentic life. Make changes today and be you. It is the only person you can be and the one that you will be best at being.

As always, here if you need.

2Aug, 2021

How can low self- esteem affect the adolescent?

Those of you who have worked with me or are familiar with the work I do, would know that I put a lot of focus on self-esteem. For individuals, in relationships and of course nurturing this in our kids and teens. Self-esteem impacts every area of our lives. Often the first time we see signs that our self-esteem is low, is during the teen years. In this article, I want to talk about some of the signs I see in teens that show healthy self-esteem, and some of the symptoms that may show they need help.

So, what are some of the signs of healthy self-esteem in our teens?

The ability to form friendships and interact with their peers reasonably comfortably. School puts this under the spotlight as kids work to fit in and form relationships
Dealing with minor challenges in life comfortably
Engaging in hobbies and activities
Having a mostly healthy view of their physical self

These are just some things we would expect to see in our teens with healthy self-esteem. It is not a definitive list, but look for these things to ensure they are tracking well.

Now let’s look at some of the signs of low self-esteem in this age group.

Having difficulty making or keeping friendships or peer relationships
Holding back from volunteering answers or participating in class
Not owning their achievements or downplaying them
Isolating themselves from others, sometimes including at home (although healthy teens do like their bedrooms also!)
Being angry at things that shouldn’t normally incite anger
Hearing a negative message from others when it wasn’t in fact negative
Being overly judgemental of others
Blaming others for their own mistakes or problems
Negative moods. Often taken out on family and peers
Poor self-image. Sometimes masked through makeup, controlled eating or exercising
Being promiscuous. Having sexual encounters that aren’t appropriate or with someone they don’t care for
Difficulty accepting compliments
Trying to be a perfectionist, or conversely, not trying at all
Fear of failure, above what would be expected at this age
For girls, wearing a lot of makeup to leave the home
Making a statement by dressing in outlandish outfits to act as though they don’t care about fitting in
Using alcohol and drugs
Being overly sulky
Anxiety
Depression
Cutting

As you can see, the list of potential signs of low self-esteem is long and varied. Some of the things may well be normal and a part of the adolescent experience and growth. It can be difficult to see immediately, if it is normal teen behaviour, or low self-esteem at play. I often speak with parents who contact me for their teens for behavioural issues, they believe they have a teen who is simply acting out and adhering to the ‘typical difficult teen’ we all hear about. Usually when I start working with these kids, it becomes apparent pretty quickly, that the behaviours are a result of low self-esteem, they are negative coping mechanisms they have drawn on to stay safe.

Client case adapted to ensure privacy and confidentiality:

I worked with a young lady, 14, who was rude to her family, sulky, disrespectful to teachers and had few friends. The friends she did have, she didn’t treat very well. When she met me, she was angry and dismissive of counselling. Her Mum was used to her behaving like that and put it down to her being a difficult teen. It was only when they discovered she had started drinking and was having sex, that they decided something needed to be done and contacted me.

To the outside world, this girl was just not a nice person. Her Mum kept apologising to me for how rude she was when we would meet (this confirmed to this girl that she was a big problem). When she finally decided she could trust me and she opened up, we discovered that her self-esteem was very low. She had been acting as she had so that people wouldn’t see how terrified she was that she wasn’t as good as other kids. All her behaviours were about trying to stay safe and fit in. In a very odd way, but she was trying to show she didn’t care. When she realised that these behaviours meant people didn’t like her for those, she was stuck and couldn’t back track without losing face. She then dug her heels in and took on even more poor decisions.

Inside, the truth was, she really believed she was ugly and stupid and thought her parents didn’t love her as much as her siblings. With her behaviours she had dug herself a hole and couldn’t find a way out. (After finishing our counselling work, she is a happy, well adjusted teen with healthy self-esteem and way easier to parent as a result).

This is pretty typical of what I see although the symptoms are varied. I do find that parents tend to reach out when the behaviours are impacting others in a negative way. Often the problem is not seen if the teen presents them in towards themselves. If you see a number of these symptoms in your teen, then it is worthwhile looking at to see what is going on underneath in that adolescent brain.

Being a teen is hard work. We have all been there. It is a time where we are trying to work out how we fit it, who we are, navigate school, home, exams, hormones and expectations, all with a brain that is still growing and developing.

If throughout this journey, our self-esteem is healthy, then we have an easier time of this task. If it isn’t, then we can create some negative coping mechanisms that we may well take into adulthood with us.

One of the best gifts you can give your child is helping them, either yourself or with the help of a professional, to have a healthy self-esteem so life is that little bit easier to navigate and they can be their authentic self.

8Jun, 2021

A Little Bit About Anger

All of us feel anger at times. It is a valid emotion and can be either helpful or destructive depending on how we express it.

In our relationships, romantic, family, friendships and work, we will naturally at times feel anger. How we deal with this emotion and show it, largely dictates whether we get our needs met and indeed if we get to maintain healthy relationships.

People who express anger poorly, will likely struggle to maintain healthy relationships throughout life. They may also have physical health issues as the mental state of anger can have a physiological impact on the body.

In addition, some people who have issues with anger, will also turn to various crutches to help them feel better. Things like drugs, alcohol, gambling and sex are some of the things that might be used.

Anger is valid. We are raised to believe that we shouldn’t express anger. The problem with this is that we are hardwired to feel this emotion and so we need to learn as children, how to understand this emotion and how to use it for our benefit and ensure we don’t hurt those around us.

As parents, we need to teach our kids that it is alright to feel anger. Then we need to teach them how to understand what it is about, why they feel angry. From there we show them the skills in expressing this emotion in a healthy way.

For many of us, parents either didn’t see anger as valid and so children learnt to suppress it. Or, perhaps they demonstrated a poor expression of anger. They let anger overwhelm them, take charge and become destructive. This model is then what many children rely on in life to express their feelings of anger.

I have met people who were raised with the idea that anger is a positive expression of emotion and to use it in a destructive way, is powerful. To learn to show anger in a calm manner, is perceived as weak. We go into our adult life with the tools we have been given, including how we view anger.

We aren’t in control of what we have learnt as children in how to process and express our emotions. But as adults, we have complete control and choices. If you recognise that your anger may be having a negative impact on your life and relationships, or a partner or friend perhaps has identified this, then it’s time to take control.

What are some signs of unhealthy anger?

These are a few things that you may notice:

Constantly criticising people and things
Flying off the handle over small things
Feeling out of control with your emotions
Jumping to negative conclusions that are incorrect
Having a low tolerance to minor frustrations
Unable to take criticism
Being angry at friends or family for perceived criticisms
Road rage
Physical violence
Yelling or screaming to communicate
Name calling or swearing in conflict communication
Refusing to take responsibility for any negatives

I often work with couples who identify issues of anger in their relationships. It can destroy an otherwise good relationship. As individuals, we need to learn to tune into our emotions, identify what we are feeling and why, and then find a positive way to either express or manage it.

Some simple strategies to start with are:

Walk away if you can and calm yourself.
Accept that it is ok to feel that way.
Try and identify what you are feeling that caused the anger. Do you feel hurt, frustrated?
Release the anger if you need to through physical exercise. Running, punching a punching bag (a pillow will do if you are stuck), get stuck into cleaning or yard work, call a friend. Anything that will help get rid of those feelings and get the brain rational again.
Find a way to express what you are feeling in a positive way if you need to express your feelings. Sometimes when we take the time to think about it, we may not need to talk about what made us angry to start with.

These techniques may help you to start taking control of your emotions. Being aware and understanding yourself is the first step to taking control and making change.

If you get stuck then reach out for help. You can learn to take control. It is something we often need help with to learn to understand why we react like this and how to make the changes to express anger in a positive way.

Regards

Sharon.

29Apr, 2021

Self-Esteem and Social Media

Social media has connected us with others in ways we never imagined years ago. On the positive side, we can stay connected with friends easily, get back in touch with old school mates, see what is happening around the world, share our news and have a laugh when we are bored. We can use it as a great tool to access resources, gain information, connect with like-minded people and grow business.

For many, social media is a small part of their lives and they retain perspective around the role of social media and what they see on there.

For others, most significantly our teenagers, but adults too at times, social media can have a devastatingly negative impact on their self-esteem. I work with this every day and it is a tough one to navigate as there is almost an addiction to these apps and so they don’t want to change how they use them.

For those of us who have healthy self-esteem, a glance at Facebook, for example, may be a moment of downtime where we read a funny article, see what our friends have been doing or a quick catch up with our favourite group. Then we go back to our real world and keep balance.

For someone with fragile self-esteem, or someone still finding their identity (teenagers), a quick glance at Facebook can cause a big moment of self-doubt, sadness, discontent with their own lives, self-hatred, jealousy, hurt, anger and many other negative emotions. They don’t keep the perspective that they need to have a healthy relationship with social media.

All of us post the “highlight reel” of our lives for others to see. If you were to look at my personal Facebook page, I don’t actually post much, but what you will see is me at the soccer, me on holidays with my kids, me bushwalking with my dogs. What you won’t see is the other twenty something hours in my day where I was working, picking up dog poo, doing the kids washing, cooking dinner, vacuuming etc. You will only see the highlight reel.

Now for someone who is content with their life and their self-esteem is good, they will think, “that’s cool, Sharon is enjoying herself’, or something along those lines. Then they will go back to their own lives.

For someone who is not sure of themselves, they may look at it and wonder why their life is not as good as mine. They only focus on what I am posting, not on what the rest of my life looks like.

I often joke with my kids that I will start an Instagram page that shows my real life. They have suggested that will be completely boring and have no followers. Interesting statement that. My real life would be too boring. And yet, unless you are one of the few fortunate who travel the world with adventure after adventure, most of us have those ‘boring’ lives. I prefer to think of it as ‘real’ as opposed to boring. Real life is fine it seems unless it is online.

Another example of perspective. I have an old client, long ago, who was having an affair. The affair had been going on for many years. She was very unhappy in her marriage, had decided to stay for the kids and the finances. What she posted online however, was very different to her real life. Online, she regularly posted affirmations about her husband and their relationship and how great it was. She didn’t say this, but she would show them together at dinner, at a show, out and about living a seemingly wonderful life. She would go over the top with love posts on his birthday and anniversary. Those around her were jealous of her relationship and how lucky she was. It was in fact a horrible relationship filled with lies and deceit. Nothing real here but it had an impact on those viewing this seemingly perfect life.

Another problem I see often, is the prevalence of ‘Influencers’ or ‘Instagram models’, who have managed to market themselves and gain a huge following. Whilst some of these people are genuine and provide a positive influence, there are many who are not. Some have mental health issues, some have eating disorders, some are presenting a false image or message. Some are just not nice humans. And yet, they are great at marketing and have our teens tracking their every move as though they have the answers to everything. These people, with no credentials other than marketing skills, have become mentors or heroes to our kids.

This, as both a parent and counsellor, is terrifying. Our kid’s self-worth is being impacted in a big way by people we don’t know and very likely wouldn’t respect as role models. We very likely wouldn’t choose to have these people in our kids lives. But they are there. Having a bigger role than we realise.

Obviously, there are some great people online providing wonderful material. But, we don’t know if what people post is real or a distorted view and yet many people will judge their own lives by the seemingly great lives of others.

One of the big issues then with social media is keeping perspective. When our kids are absorbed within this world for hours, we have a problem. They start to lose the ability to distinguish between the real world and the social media world.

How as parents, do we keep our kid’s self-esteem on track and still let them feel they belong? This can be a tough road to navigate. We somehow need to find a balance between allowing access to these sites and keeping ‘normal’ life in balance. Talking to our kids about what is real and what is not. Not just once, but repeatedly, so they start to learn how to keep perspective about what is real. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with our kids.

How do we, as an individual, keep our own self-esteem on track with the prevalence of social media?

Be aware of how much time you spend on social media.
Set limits for yourself. Make sure you have time where you aren’t looking at it.
Work towards creating a real life that you are content with.
Be aware of sites, or people, that leave you feeling worse about yourself and perhaps stop looking at them.

This is still an emerging issue with no definite solution. If you feel stuck, reach out for some guidance before you get caught up in this virtual world.

20Apr, 2021

Self-Esteem and the Healthy Relationship

Couples & self-esteem

One of the biggest challenges I see couples tackle in relationship counselling, is the impact of low self-esteem on an otherwise mostly healthy relationship. Low self-esteem can lie behind various issues and how we deal with these issues can also impact self-esteem. Relationships can’t fix someone’s self-esteem but it can have a negative or positive impact depending on how things are managed.

Sounds confusing right? It can be really confusing for those in the relationship with a partner with low self-esteem to understand what is happening with their partner. Sometimes it can be a natural part of the relationship that simply needs some coaching. Other times it can be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem.

Some of the common things I see in relationships that may be attributed to self-esteem are:

Being overly defensive of things that you wouldn’t expect to cause such a response
Outbursts of anger over minor things
Moodiness
Trying to be a perfectionist
Not wanting to be emotionally vulnerable in the relationship
Being overly needy
Being somewhat controlling especially of relationships with others
May reject your compliments
May have trust issues that are unfounded
Unwilling to ask for what they want in the relationship
Always trying to please you and don’t have an opinion

Whilst some of these things may seem positive, over time, they can cause issues in the relationship. For instance, a partner who is always trying to please and doesn’t have an opinion, may seem positive to start. But it can get exhausting being the one who has to make every decision in the relationship.

Naturally not everything in this list is about self-esteem. Past relationships, childhood experiences and the relationship itself can create negative coping mechanisms. It is important to not label your partner as the problem, rather to look at these things and see if there is a different way of managing some of the issues.

If you think that perhaps self-esteem may be part of the issue, have a chat with your partner about it. Be careful to present it as a possibility rather than a conclusion. Be kind. It is something that with counselling and the support of a partner, can be changed.

Low self-esteem is very common and it can make life harder than it needs to be both as an individual and in relationships. In fact, it may not just be the romantic relationship that is impacted, it can be friendships and other relationships also.

If you think that your partner may be suffering from low self-esteem, reach out for help today. Change is possible and your relationship can thrive when you both feel comfortable being your authentic selves.

Book Online to get started today.

Category Archives: Self-esteem

What are some signs of unhealthy anger?

Some simple strategies to start with are: