Marriage Counselling articles & self-esteem articles

14Aug, 2023

What are the key foundations of a healthy relationship?

People are social animals, wired to seek connection, companionship, and intimacy.

We need a herd. One of the most profound and rewarding aspects of life is the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. These connections, whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, contribute significantly to our overall well-being, emotional health, and happiness.

What are the key foundations of a healthy relationship?

Communication

Effective communication is a crucial part of any successful relationship. It involves both speaking and listening openly and empathetically. Clear and honest communication promotes understanding, reduces misunderstandings, and helps resolve conflicts. Active listening, where you truly pay attention to what the other person is saying without judgment, is important.

Respect and Trust

Respect and trust go hand in hand in healthy relationships. Respecting each other’s boundaries, opinions, and decisions demonstrates that you value the other person as an individual. Trust, on the other hand, is the foundation upon which relationships are built. It requires consistency, reliability, and honesty. Broken trust can be repaired but it takes time, effort and a real willingness to work at it.

Empathy and Compassion

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It’s a powerful tool in building emotional connections. When you empathise with someone, you provide emotional safety where they feel heard and understood. Compassion complements empathy by motivating you to take positive actions to support and uplift others during challenging times. Empathy and compassion foster intimacy and strengthen the bonds between individuals.

Healthy Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. What sets healthy relationships apart is how conflict is managed. Healthy relationships use conflict as an opportunity for growth and to learn about each other. It’s important to remember that conflict isn’t about winning or losing but about finding solutions that benefit both parties.

Quality Time

Quality time often takes a low priority these days with our busy lives. However, spending meaningful time together is essential for nurturing healthy relationships. Whether it’s sharing a meal, engaging in hobbies, or simply having a heartfelt conversation, quality time strengthens emotional bonds and keeps the sense of togetherness. It’s not the quantity of time spent but the quality of the interactions that matter.

Individuality and Interdependence

While being in a relationship, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of individuality. Healthy relationships thrive when both individuals have their own interests, goals, and identities. This independence contributes to personal growth and a healthy relationship. At the same time, interdependence is about relying on each other for emotional support, collaboration, and shared experiences. Striking the balance between individuality and interdependence ensures a relationship remains healthy and vibrant. This is something most couples will need to work at to find a good balance and it changes over time.

Gratitude and Appreciation

Expressing gratitude and appreciation can work wonders in maintaining healthy relationships. Regularly acknowledging the efforts, qualities, and contributions of your loved ones strengthens the emotional connection and promotes a positive atmosphere.

Healthy relationships are an essential component of a fulfilling life. They require continuous work, open communication, empathy, and mutual respect. By cultivating these qualities, you can create connections that not only bring happiness but also support personal growth and well-being.

How healthy is your relationship?

7Aug, 2023

Supply and Demand in a Relationship

Love. Do you have enough love in your relationship to cover the cost of the problems that arise? Healthy relationships are about supply and demand.

School for me was a long time ago but I still remember those economic lessons where we were taught all about Supply and Demand. If I really want to buy tomatoes and there is a huge supply of tomatoes, then they are not very expensive. The supply is greater than the demand. I can get my tomatoes and I am happy.

If I really want tomatoes and there are not many tomatoes available, then the price of tomatoes will go up and I might not get my tomatoes. There will not be enough supply to look after my demands.

In a relationship, it is also about supply and demand. The good stuff, the love, the actions that make your partner feel loved are the product, the tomatoes if you like.

When there is a problem in the relationship, the supply of love (tomatoes), is drawn upon. If there are enough tomatoes, then it is not too expensive. If though, the love (tomatoes) has been in short supply, that loss is going to be felt.

If you think back to a time in your relationship when you got on well and nothing much bothered you in the relationship, probably at the start or maybe when you got married. What you will probably notice here is that the things that bothered you in the relationship, especially the small things, were easily overcome. This is because you felt really loved so the problems didn’t cost much.

Picture your partners shoes left by the door where you can trip over them. When there is an abundant supply of love, you might just kick them to the side, pick them up, ignore them or let them know that it bothered you.

Now those same shoes left by the door when there is very little supply of love, your reaction will very likely be different. You might ignore them but feel angry, you might kick them aside, again with anger, you might get very angry. Maybe you will take the shoes and hide them to “teach them a lesson” (yes, I have heard couples do this to each other).

It is these little things that annoy in a relationship and these little things have a bigger impact when the demand of them is greater than the supply of love to draw on.

Supply and Demand.

I sometimes hear couples where one person will say that they feel they can never do anything right. Now this can be for a whole host of reasons in a relationship but one of the causes of this is that the love has stopped flowing.

This doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. It simply means you don’t spend enough time showing each other that you love them. Most couples when the supply lags, will still say things like, “I love you”. They will still do the anniversary dinner. They will still do couples things with other couples or events together. What they don’t do, is the small things that make the other person feel really loved.

A really quick way to improve your relationship right now is to stop trying to fix the negatives and start focusing on how you make your partner feel loved. Start doing loving things for your partner and then see if those little problems are in fact little problems.

It is a bit like being in a job that you no longer enjoy. There might be minor things in the day that normally wouldn’t bother you, but when you don’t get enjoyment from the job anymore, those minor things suddenly feel really big.

Has your relationship become filled with problems and not enough love to supply the fix? Does your relationship have enough tomatoes?

Right now, think about what you did today to show your partner what they mean to you. What you did today to show them you love them. Then think about what you can do!

Start doing it. Every single day, make sure there are enough tomatoes.

Supply and Demand.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

19Apr, 2023

Healthy Self-Esteem is Created

People who have worked with me know that self-esteem is one of the main areas I work with and something I have been really passionate about for decades. Helping people to see who they really are and embrace that person gives me personal fulfillment.

One of the things that is so sad to me is that people know they have low self-esteem, but they don’t think it can be fixed so they adapt to living with a negative view of themselves. This tends to trap them in a life that isn’t a good fit for them which makes it hard to be genuinely happy. The other part of this is that people believe it is somehow their fault that they feel this way.

It is not your fault!

Our self esteem is formed throughout our childhood and teen years. We aren’t responsible for this, we are guided by our caretakers, those around us with influence and the experiences we are exposed to. Our brains are literally not completely wired at this point, and we don’t navigate this time in our lives for ourselves with an adult brain. Realistically, during this time, we are reacting to the situations around us and learning who we are through this.

Home life, parenting, mentors, school and activities we participate in all shape our self-view. Sometimes it is supported, at other times it is challenged.

Our personalities combined with the external factors, create our view of ourselves – our self-worth or self-esteem. We don’t choose who we are or what we see when we look within ourselves.

You are not responsible for your self-esteem when you are a child or teenager.

As an adult, you are not responsible for your self-esteem and how it was formed, but you are responsible for changing it. Nobody else can fix it but you. People around you can support you, but they can’t fix it. You can choose to stay within the confines of low self-esteem and the limitations on your life. Or you can choose to make the changes needed both in your thinking and in your life to create good self-esteem for yourself.

Is it fair? Nope. But then very little in life is designed to be fair. Our childhoods and experiences are simply what we have been given to work with. How we choose to work with it as adults is up to us. You have 3 choices. Accept you will live life as you are, making allowances for your self-esteem and the limiting choices that come with that. Do life feeling like a victim with no power which is an unhappy way to live. Or, find a professional to help you work out who you really are and learn to be good with that. Learn how to be your authentic self and life a life that makes you content.

Sometimes we are just not ready to take the step to work out who we are. We find a comfortable, safe way of living and it is enough. That’s completely alright. Just understanding sometimes that the change is possible when you are ready to take that step can be enough.

A lot of people think that they can fix their self-esteem themselves. By reading self help books, listening to podcasts etc. While these are really wonderful starting points and can provide some good insights, I have found over the years, that typically it is not enough to help the thinking of oneself shift. When we have our core beliefs around ourselves fixed in a negative space, then it is helpful and often necessary to have someone else dispute them. It takes time to shift the thinking that is incorrect but first you need to see it and accept that it needs change. This is where having someone external help you see it is useful.

Usually, people don’t address self-esteem as a standalone, important issue. Instead, when I get to work with people on this really important area, it has come presented as something else. Symptoms of self-esteem are more readily identifiable and blamed both for individuals and in relationships.

Things like anger, being stuck in routines, being reactive, addictions, promiscuity, acting out (in teens), anxiety, depression and fighting in relationships are all some of the things that bring people in to see me for help. Then while working on those things, we see that the core issue is in fact low self-esteem. We work to improve this area as well as focusing on the symptoms.

It isn’t a quick fix. Changing the symptoms can certainly be achieved reasonably quickly in some areas. Others take time to get change. For self-esteem that is deep and has a good hold, it can take consistent work over a period of time to shift it. Most people get worried about this but what I have come to see over the years, is that when you start to work on it, the relief at gaining some control, knowing change is happening is so great that the counselling sessions become something most people, even the most reluctant, start to look forward to.

It isn’t your fault it started. It is your responsibility to change it.

Here if you need. X

21Mar, 2023

Sexual Intimacy in a Healthy Relationship

In relationship counselling we talk about everything to do with relationships. That includes sexual intimacy. It is a topic that some couples are comfortable to talk about openly, but many feel awkward with. In terms of relationship counselling, it is completely normal, and we address this as any other part of relationship work.

For those who haven’t worked with me as part of a couple, the first session is very much an exploration of the relationship and every aspect that impacts the health of the relationship. I get an overall view of what is working well and what areas of the relationship require some attention to create a healthy relationship. I ask questions about communication, conflict, time spent, personal time, all sorts of things. Then I ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for you both? Is it meeting your needs? Occasionally couples will respond saying “yes”! This response is quite rare as sexual intimacy is usually one of the first things in a relationship that starts to decline when the relationship is neglected or has problems.

For most people, they answer that it either isn’t working at all or it isn’t meeting the needs of one person. Most often the male in a heterosexual relationship, but not always. In same sex relationships, usually one partner is also feeling that it isn’t meeting their needs whilst the other is happy enough.

When the sexual intimacy is not good for either, it tends to be more accepted as it isn’t playing a role in the dissatisfaction of the relationship. When it is just one partner, then the problem is magnified for both.

Typically, and I am generalising here, one person will feel that they are not loved, not good enough, not valued, not made a priority or some other negative emotion, if they feel the sex is either not enough, or not wanted by the other party. Duty sex if you will.

The other person tends to feel nagged, pressured, not good enough and not valued for what they do give to the relationship. Sometimes they will feel that everything is about sex.

The reality is that both people still love each other and the reasons underlying the loss of sexual intimacy usually have nothing to do with love, or the lack of. It is not about being not good enough, not attractive enough or not worth it.

Similarly, for the person not wanting sex, it isn’t that your only value is sex, it isn’t that your partner is obsessed, it isn’t that what you do elsewhere in the relationship is not of value.

A loss of sexual intimacy can be incredibly hurtful and very damaging in a relationship, unless both parties understand why and are working to a solution together.

There is no “right” sex. The quality, quantity, how, what, where, are up to each couple and for each person within that relationship to communicate to their partner exactly what their needs are.

And this for me, is the starting point of where this part of a relationship starts to come apart. Couples simply don’t talk about sex enough. There may be high level conversations.

“We need to have sex, it’s been ages”.

“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t want to do that”.

“I’d like to do something different”.

“We never have sex anymore”.

“All you ever think about is sex”.

These statements are thrown around and sometimes there is a minimal response, sometimes nothing. These statements though, are the start of what needs to be an important conversation.

Start talking about sex!

It is crucial for a healthy relationship to discuss what your needs are and how it makes you feel.

It is completely normal for couples to have mismatched libidos. It is also normal to go through periods where sex isn’t happening much and there is an obvious reason. It is also completely valid to have periods where the intimacy is not as it needs to be, but it needs to be understood and accepted by both people.

Every relationship goes through stages where the sexual intimacy declines, where the time simply isn’t there for the relationship, where both people can’t put into the relationship as they would like to and need to in many ways.

But, it needs to have a healthy conversation around it. It needs to have a plan and a solution discussed. Using an excuse such as health, lack of libido, stress, too busy, these are all valid, but they are not a reason to stop talking and looking for solutions. They are not a full stop.

In a healthy, loving relationship sexual intimacy plays a vital role. Make sure you are having healthy conversations about yours.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

16Mar, 2023

Assumed Anger?

In my last article I spoke about anger and the negative impact it can have in our lives. I had such a big response to that article, that I have decided to follow up with another aspect that I see often in relationships around anger.

This time though, I want to focus on when other people read us as angry when we aren’t angry.

How often have you been asked by your partner, a friend, your kids, “are you angry”, when you quite simply aren’t feeling anger? More often though, these people will “see” that we are angry and respond as they would if we were intentionally showing anger. They will walk away, get ready to defend or ready to attack.

Now if you are not feeling angry, that can be an action that makes no sense to us. Sometimes it can be hurtful.

Let me explain with an example.

I have what we like to refer to as “resting bitch face”. I like to call it “my thinking face.” I dislike cooking. I am not a great cook and find no enjoyment in it. With a large family, it is hard to produce a meal that everyone loves and that is easy for me. Cooking is a chore. A big chore. When I am cooking, I am not angry, but I am usually deep in thought.

Frequently, before my family accepted “my thinking face”, one of them would walk into the kitchen and take one look at my face whilst I was cooking and read “anger”. Now depending on who it was, the reaction would vary.

One would ask why I was angry.

Someone else would turn about and exit as fast as they could.

Someone else would tell me I am angry and then be annoyed themselves.

You get the picture.

I was never angry. I rarely express my feelings with anger, I’m pretty tuned into me as you would hope doing this job. Usually what it was they were reading was one of these:

Me thinking about what I need to do next in the meal preparation.
Me thinking about what I haven’t yet done that day and planning.
Me analysing something in my head that was highly entertaining to me.

When I am in that space, I rarely notice anyone in the room anyway if they enter quietly. I simply was thinking. I wasn’t angry, sad, unhappy. I wasn’t anything negative at all. I was lost in my thoughts.

But to them, I looked angry. And they reacted as though I was. That didn’t feel nice for me. If someone just walked away and left, then I might wonder later on why they were being quiet and think something was wrong for them.

Their incorrect reading of my angry looking thinking face, set the tone for the evening. Not great.

When I realised this was quite common, I addressed it directly with each of them. They now know to ask me, “Are you angry”? And I will respond with an explanation for what they are obviously reading. Our evening then goes along as it should.

I see this with couples and with kids and parents quite a lot. It isn’t always reading the facial expressions incorrectly. Sometimes it is the tone, sometimes it is the volume, sometimes it is just in the delivery being abrupt.

Often, when someone is showing what is read as anger and isn’t, what they may really be feeling is:

Sad
Hurt
Scared
Confused
Stressed
Tired
Anxious
And sometimes, like me, they may just be thinking hard.

What do you take from this? Well unless you know for sure that they are angry, and I mean actually know, not just using your mind reading powers, then ask them! Maybe not in the moment. That can be hard to do if you think it is anger. But after, when you feel calm and safe, ask them. Let them know that in that moment, you thought they were angry. Ask them if you read it correctly and if not, what was it they were feeling/thinking.

Learning what is real and what we have imagined can change the whole dynamic of relationships. Any relationship.

Anger doesn’t serve us well. Even worse when we aren’t angry but get labelled as that. Something to consider in your relationships.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

1Mar, 2023

Let’s Talk About Anger

I am seeing an increase in counselling sessions of anger in various forms. Anger and how it is expressed can be very damaging to the individual, couples and families. Anger has a place and is a valid feeling and expression of emotion, BUT, it is very rarely used effectively.

Why then do people use anger to express their needs?

Typically, we use anger to express a different emotion. Anger is the surface level expression that we use to show a more vulnerable emotion. We use anger when we are scared, we use it when we are hurt and we use it when we are frustrated.

Often, we have learnt this somewhat safe expression of our feelings at a young age. It may have been demonstrated to us by parents or guardians or maybe we used it to stay safe and feel heard. Sometimes we just don’t know how to identify what we are feeling and anger is a safe way of expressing ourselves.

The problem with anger is that we can do damage and very rarely get heard or get our needs met. In fact, usually we get labelled as a problem. Even if we are not the problem.

Anger is one of the most damaging expressions of emotion in a relationship and in parenting. Often, the person using anger is a lovely person. But the anger masks that and people only see the anger, not the human hurting underneath.

If you use anger in life, then chances are it isn’t making you friends and doesn’t make you feel happy. Safe, not vulnerable maybe but not happy.

If you use anger in a relationship then you will probably not feel heard and often, be labelled as the problem. You may in fact erode your relationship using anger too often.

If you use anger parenting then you are not creating healthy mechanisms in your kids for them later in life. You probably feel like you have control but as your kids get older, you will realise that anger doesn’t create respect. It can create fear and disrespect. Anger eventually makes parenting really hard and probably doesn’t work long term.

If you use anger as a tool, then maybe it is time to learn how to use something more effective to get your needs met. Save the anger for genuine danger when you genuinely need to stay safe.

Don’t keep anger in your toolbox of communication.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

13Aug, 2022

The Importance of not giving a damn

The other day I met a lady who intrigued me by her very healthy level of self-esteem. This is not something I see often, and certainly not to the degree she displayed her self-esteem. She wasn’t overly confident in a negative way. She wasn’t full of herself. She was just very comfortable being her. She genuinely didn’t care what strangers, or even most people, thought of her. She in fact found it confusing that people do care about what other people think of them.

How very lucky she is to be given the gift of great self-worth. It is something that develops usually over our childhood and teen years and we are incredibly fortunate if we feel this way. For many, I’d actually go so far as to say most people, creating a strong sense of self is a journey and a work in progress often into adulthood.

How often have you wondered what someone has thought about how you look? What you said? How you presented yourself? How you completed a task? How you are as a parent? How you conduct your work?

It’s not bad to be curious about this. As long as it is simply a vague curiosity and doesn’t impact you in any negative way. For many, that negative thinking takes seed and grows over time until that internal voice is very busy keep track of all the external factors that actually have nothing to do with them. And usually, all negative. The positives are left to go their own way.

There is a wonderful saying, “What someone else thinks of you is none of your business”. And yet how often do we imagine what they might be thinking of us?

Learning to not give a damn about what others think of us is a large part of being able to genuinely be us. Being authentic you is the only way to start a path to being content in life.

You were born to be YOU. You can’t be anyone else and do it well. Cats don’t pretend to be dogs, dogs don’t pretend to be horses. Animals accept they are just them. We could learn a lot from animals. (Yes, I am an animal lover!).

So how do we practice not giving a damn?

It is a process and it takes time, but there are some small things you can do to start.

Social media cleanup

Whilst we all know that social media is essentially a highlight reel of people’s lives, viewing it over and over still has an impact on our brains. Look through your social media. Anything you genuinely enjoy, anything that brings happiness to you, keep it on your radar. Anything that makes you feel any kind of negative emotion, get rid of it. Silence people, leave toxic groups or chats, if it doesn’t make your life better, then it needs to go.

That perfect friend with the perfect life. If that doesn’t make you happy and feel good about yourself, then seeya (I’m talking online here). That perfect parent, that perfect body, that amazing relationship – time to let them all go back to the world outside of yours.

You aren’t missing out on anything good if it makes you feel bad. You are only missing out on lowering your mood and your self-worth.

Learn who you really are

I can’t tell you how often I work with lovely people who have no real clue of who they are. They have learnt to be what they thought they “should” be. They have learnt to do what needs to be done. But they haven’t learnt what actually makes them feel content being them. Do you know who you are? What are your hobbies? What does your perfect day look like? Do you like outdoor activities? Do you like parties and large social gatherings or do you prefer smaller groups? Do you like animals? Do you love to travel? Who are you really? If you know what you like and you aren’t doing it then you can’t be the real you. If you don’t know what you like then you can’t be you.

You are not the centre of everyone else’s universe

Now that sounds not so nice, but the reality is that each of us is very busy in our own heads. All day, every day.

What you are wearing when I see you at the shops is probably not on my radar.

If it is, then maybe it is because I love fashion and I am curious how your outfit might suit me.

It might be because you look great and I think that I don’t look so great today.

It might be because I have that exact outfit at home.

Maybe I am busy in my head and don’t even really notice you even though I am looking at you.

It could be that I wouldn’t have the guts to wear such a cool outfit.

And maybe, it is because I am judging you by my standards of what I like.

In all of these examples of what I might be thinking, you don’t even come into it. All the thoughts in my head revolve around me. Even if I am judging you, that is my issue. That is about me and my opinion.

So then, when you are next wondering what someone else is thinking about you, the answer is, you are only part of the story about them. You are a minor player, they are the star of the show. You are not the centre of their universe. You are the centre of your universe. Who cares what they are thinking?!

Practice these small things every day and you will start to realise that you are perhaps investing too much energy into people you don’t know or may not even like. Where is the sense in that?

If you doubt yourself and care what others think, focus on these small changes and you will, hopefully, be on the first steps to learning to be YOU!

30Nov, 2021

How Positive Thinking Impacts Our Mood

I found recently that my mood was lower than it normally is and had to question why? Usually, I am a pretty happy character and feel content and positive. I had to stop and really look into why I was feeling a bit “off”. What I realised, was that there was nothing different in my life and nothing wrong, I was simply immersing my brain in some heavy material.

I am an avid reader and found a new author I loved, who unfortunately, writes serial killer books and they were getting darker as I went along. Added to that, as a family, we were watching a television drama series also focusing on this theme (coincidence only!!). Essentially of an evening, I was filling my brain with negative images and thoughts then sleeping on that.

Whilst these were both absorbing stories which I was enjoying, I came to realise that I was filling my brain with so much negativity, that I was lowering my mood. So, I ditched the author and found a “happy” book to read and switched up my tv viewing also.

The result was that I was back to my happy self within a day or so. It made me really reflect on how much our brain and what is running through it, often without us realising, can directly impact how we feel.

We have no direct control over how we feel, but we can target our thoughts and turn them into a more positive focus to help us feel better. Of course, we can’t just “think” ourselves out of something like depression. But we can make small adjustments and those small adjustments can in turn make us feel slightly better which in turn can help us make other changes in our lives. It has a positive flow on effect.

As an example, say I am having a romantic dinner with my partner and he is running late. Now I can focus on the fact that he is late and start letting that negative dialogue build in my brain. It might go something like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“He still isn’t here, our food is going cold, it is going to be disgusting by the time he gets here”.

“He always let’s me down. If this was his mates he would be on time. He is so selfish.”

“I don’t think I even want to have dinner with him now. He obviously doesn’t care.”

Now I am probably unaware that I am even thinking these thoughts, I have just let them have free reign in my now angry brain. I have gone from feeling excited to see him to feeling hurt and angry at him. And all he has done is be a bit late for dinner. Putting that in perspective, it probably isn’t that big a deal, but I have let this moment take over.

Now imagine he walks in the door, 30 minutes late. Again, not that big a deal but he is apologetic and says that he left early but there was a traffic jam and he had no charge in his phone. I am so irritated now from my negative thinking that I sit and have dinner with him but I am grumpy and it is a horrible experience for both of us.

Now if I had taken control of my thinking and been aware to keep it positive, it may have gone something more like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“Oh well, it’s only dinner, I know he was looking forward to it too. I hope he is ok, must have got caught at work or something. Hopefully he will be home soon”.

“He’s still not here. Maybe I should put the food in the oven. I guess if it is spoiled, we can always order pizza, that would be like old times when we couldn’t afford fancy meals”.

“I hope he is ok, I am a bit worried. I’m sure he just got caught at work. I love his work ethic, he probably just forgot the time. Hopefully he will be here soon”.

You can see from this dialogue, I am keeping focused on the positive, keeping perspective and problem solving.

He walks in the door 30 minutes later and I greet him with a kiss and ask why he was late. He responds that he is really sorry, traffic was bad and his phone was dead. I tell him no problem and we have a great night together.

You can see how different my evening was from how I thought about the same event. My relationship was also directly impacted by my thinking.

How we think can impact everything in our lives from our personal happiness, to friendships, work, parenting and romantic relationships. How do we do this then?

It is actually quite difficult to keep our thoughts in a positive direction all the time because watching for the negative is how we stay safe. It is a basic human instinct. But we need to learn to tune into our dialogue and try and manage it into a positive focus.

Naturally there are times when things are not so easy to deal with. Nobody ever had a car crash and had positive dialogue around that, but the degree of negative dialogue matters too.

How do we start to train our brains to think positively?

When you first wake up, try and think about your day and find a couple of positive things in it. It may be as simple as the weather is nice or you had a good sleep. They don’t need to be big things, anything works, it is a great way to start the day.
During the day, stop and focus again on what is in your head. Have you been positive or negative? Small things in our day can cause all sorts of thinking and can make or break our day so tune in.
Everyone has heard of the gratitude list. It may sound like self-help nonsense but it is a wonderful way of getting perspective. Write a list of the things in your life you are grateful for. Big, small, anything that matters to you. Often it is things we take for granted but if you didn’t have them, you would feel the loss. What are those things?
The next time you are feeling low, pull out your gratitude list and remind yourself of what is good in your life.
If you feel yourself thinking a negative thought, stop and examine it, how can you spin that thought into something more positive? Maybe you just need to put some perspective around it.
If you are focused on a negative event, try asking yourself if it will matter in a few months time. If the answer is “no”, then maybe you need to switch up your dialogue around it to something more positive.

It can be draining trying to fix our thinking but it can have a wonderful impact on our lives. Remember that you can’t fix depression just by changing your thinking so please don’t put pressure on yourself if you can’t do this. It is hard to do when we are feeling low and doesn’t feel real either.

Practice and small steps and always being kind to yourself are the best starting point.

If you need help to work on your thinking or your mood, please reach out.

1Nov, 2021

Are you mean to yourself?

One of the few things that still surprises me after working as a counsellor for so long, is how mean people are to themselves. I get to work with some really beautiful people with wonderful hearts who are generally kind to those around them. The only person they are intentionally mean to is themselves. Some of the things they say to themselves with their internal dialogue is not only cruel but wrong. So obviously wrong sometimes that it is hard to see how they even arrived at that thought!!

All of us have our own internal chatter. This is normal. But how accurate that chatter is, how kind it is, will largely determine how you feel about yourself and life overall.

Healthy, positive dialogue will help you be your authentic self and keep you focused on the right path for yourself. It will help you make the best choices for you. A positive voice will be forgiving of mistakes and empathetic in the right moments. A healthy voice will help you have healthy relationships. It will help you pursue a career path you want. This voice will help you surround yourself with people who are right for you. It will help you to look after yourself and not allow others to treat you badly. A healthy voice matters.

Unhealthy, negative dialogue will stop you from being completely authentic and content with yourself. An unhealthy voice may stop you from being who you really want to be. An unhealthy voice may get in the way of the career choices you may actually really want. The unhealthy voice may keep you in a relationship that isn’t good for you or perhaps date people who don’t align with you. An unhealthy voice will make life harder. It will not help you be content.

So, what are some examples of healthy and unhealthy dialogue?

To show this, I am going to use some real examples of past clients. These examples aren’t one client, but a blending of what I hear from people put into one example for the sake of confidentiality.

Unhealthy example: Tina is a 37 year old Mum of 2 who came to counselling as she was feeling like she had lost her identity and whilst life looked like it should be good, she wasn’t happy. After working with Tina, we learnt that she had grown up trying to please her parents and she thought that the best way to get approval was to do what others wanted (not true but a belief system that was set when she was a child). Tina tried to be kind to everyone and owned the behaviour of her family and friends. If someone was upset, she wondered what she had said wrong and would try even harder to be perfect for them. She never said no to anyone for fear of upsetting them. As a result, she was going to parties and outings that she didn’t like but pretended to in order to fit in and please people. Her husband was the only one she was her authentic self with and she would vent her frustration and unhappiness at him. He couldn’t understand why Tina was so nice to everyone else and not to him.

Tina’s internal dialogue was that she didn’t really fit in with the other Mums at school, she wasn’t quite skinny enough and she could never think of the ‘right’ thing to say so she was often quiet and then she thought that the others must think she was boring. She didn’t have a career, she was a stay-at-home Mum and she felt that she should feel grateful for this, but really, she resented it and wished that she had pursued her dream of becoming a teacher. She didn’t tell anyone this because that would seem ungrateful for her ‘perfect’ life. Tina knew what she wanted but her internal dialogue wouldn’t allow her to follow her needs.

Tina was kind to everyone else and mean to herself, constantly telling herself that she was boring, didn’t say the right thing, wasn’t allowed to be sad, should be grateful for the life she had even though a lot of it wasn’t what she wanted. As a result, she was mildly depressed and watching her life from the outside with sadness.

Tina was in fact a really great person who was funny, intelligent and drew people to her. Her husband thought he was looking after her by telling her not to work but was happy for her to study and pursue a career if she wanted. Her friends thought she had it all together and loved having her at their events. In sessions, we worked through her negative dialogue and Tina was able to identify what she really wanted in life and pursue it. She also learnt to say no to things she really didn’t want to do. Tina, with a lot of work, changed her internal dialogue to be more accurate and positive and became her authentic self.

Healthy Example: Alice was 33 and came to counselling as she had a boyfriend who she had been dating for 2 years but was questioning the relationship as he was pushing for children together. She wanted to work through her thinking as people kept telling her she should stay in the relationship. According to her family and friends, her partner was so nice and she was at the age to settle down and have kids. She was pretty adamant with what she wanted but felt she would use a counsellor to bounce around her ideas before making a decision.

Alice worked as a marketing manager of a large company and loved her work. She played team sports on the weekend, went to nice dinners, travelled in her free time and spent a lot of time with her friends doing various things she enjoyed. Alice didn’t think she wanted kids. She was waiting for the moment to kick in that everyone spoke about but she never felt the urge. Her boyfriend really wanted kids and they were starting to argue about it. She had told him at the start that she didn’t think she wanted kids and he thought that she would change her mind over time. He was now putting pressure on her to decide.

Tina had really healthy internal dialogue. When people told her she should want kids and might regret it later, Tina thought to herself that they were the odd ones wanting kids and she was happy with her choice. When family suggested that she might end up single and alone if she didn’t have kids with her boyfriend, her internal thinking was that they meant well but she knew what she wanted and it was the life she had set up for herself. She thought that if her relationship ended because of not wanting kids then she would be sad but she would be alright single too, she was capable of being alone and liked her own company.

Tina thought to herself that she had worked really hard to get to the top of her career and it gave her both pleasure and fulfilment. She didn’t want to change that and her thinking around that was that she was happy she had achieved her dream and wasn’t going to be swayed by others thinking she was wrong.

Tina went out with friends and if they didn’t want to go with her, she assumed they were busy or had something going on. She never once thought that she had done something wrong. She didn’t own anyone else’s behaviour. Tina was a really lovely person who often made kind gestures towards others, but she never once doubted that she was wrong in how she wanted to live her life. She was good at saying no to things she didn’t like. Including having children. She was living her authentic life and was very happy and content.

Alice didn’t need any guidance in counselling. She simply needed a blank canvas with no judgement for her to talk out loud her thinking around such a big decision.

How we speak to ourselves matters. It doesn’t always have to be positive. Sometimes we may need to give ourselves a kick along. But it has to be healthy. Our internal chatter impacts every area of our lives.

So, what is your internal dialogue like? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Is your dialogue healthy?

If it isn’t, then chances are you aren’t living your authentic life. Make changes today and be you. It is the only person you can be and the one that you will be best at being.

As always, here if you need.

15Sep, 2021

Natural Ways to lift your mood

This article is a summary of information from an article written a decade ago by a dietitian friend of mine, Paula Tazzyman. I am not qualified to talk about food and the impact it has on mood at a technical level which is why I originally asked this wonderful dietitian to explore this for my clients. The original article is on my website if you would like to read it in full, but I felt during this extended lockdown, it would be good to put this information out again for my clients.

Our brains, like our bodies, require nutrients to function well. During this never ending lockdown, many people are really starting to struggle with low mood and depression. Whilst we can’t fix the real cause of this, what we can do is give our brains the best tools to survive it. That means feeding your brain with the nutrients it needs.

Here are a few things that are easy to do and will help support your mood.

1.Eat tryptophan rich protein foods.

Tryptophan is used to make serotonin, the feel good brain chemical. To help your brain produce serotonin naturally, try adding these foods into your diet:

Turkey
cheese – especially cottage, swiss and cheddar
milk
yoghurt
eggs
meat
fish
chicken
nuts
soy and other legumes.

2. Eat plenty of zinc rich foods.

Zinc too is required to make serotonin. To boost your zinc naturally eat:

Oysters, ideally fresh
Seafood
red meat
pumpkin seeds are a good option from plant foods.

(Signs of zinc deficiency include: white spots/ridges on nails, stretch marks, poor wound healing, mouth ulcers, eczema & psoriasis, hair loss, low immunity, loss of appetite, impaired sense of taste and smell).

According to the dietitian, blood tests for zinc are not very accurate and if you suspect you may be low in zinc, see a good naturopath to test for this. Zinc can unbalance other nutrients so if you want to try a supplement as well as natural foods, see a naturopath first.

3. Eat a magnesium rich diet.

Magnesium is also involved in making serotonin. Magnesium calms the nervous system and relaxes the body. Easy ways to add magnesium are:

Brazil nuts (3-4 per day)
rolled oats
brown rice
green leafy vegetables
nuts and seeds
legumes and dark chocolate ( a particular favourite of mine!).
Bathing in epsom salts

Low magnesium levels may show through tight muscles leading to cramps and muscle fatigue, increased hyperactivity and impulsivity, poor sleep, poor attention, constipation, anxiety and depression.

4. Omega 3 fish oils.

Omega 3 fish oils are a great support for mood. Naturally, eating fish is a good natural support here but may not be enough alone to support the levels of Omega 3 needed to support mood. A good Omega supplement with EPA may also help here.

Signs that the body needs more omega 3 fats are excessive thirst; frequent urination; rough, dry, bumpy skin; dry, dull hair/dandruff; soft, brittle nails, eczema, asthma, hay fever, poor night vision, sensitivity to light, visual disturbances, distractibility, poor concentration, difficulties with memory, depression, excessive mood swings, undue anxiety, difficulties falling asleep or waking up.

5. Vitamin D.

Vitamin D deficiency is becoming common in Australia now. A blood test will show if your levels are adequate to support your mood. She suggests having levels well above 75 nmol/L all year round and that levels of 100-120 nmol/L are good for mental health.

The easiest way to meet this need is through exposure to sunlight. The darker your skin, the more exposure you need. This is usually easy to meet in Summer but can be hard in Winter so a good supplement can assist through the Winter months. Obviously take care of your skin and don’t get burnt trying to fill up on your Vitamin D levels in the sun.

6. Exercise

This last one isn’t part of our diet but has a big impact on our mood also. It is suggested that 20 minutes of elevated heart rate a day will help boost our mood. Get out for a quick walk around the block, put a YouTube exercise class on or join an online gym class. It is hard to start exercising when we feel down, but if you set yourself a 20 minute goal a day it is usually attainable and over time we start to enjoy this mood bolstering outing.

The full article by Paula explains some of this in more detail if you are interested. There is no need to overhaul your diet, simply being aware to add some of these foods in on a daily basis, getting some sunshine and going for a walk, can help keep us mentally healthy whilst we sit out this lockdown.

I hope this helps. As always, reach out if you need and book a session.

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