Marriage Counselling articles & self-esteem articles

16Mar, 2023

Assumed Anger?

In my last article I spoke about anger and the negative impact it can have in our lives. I had such a big response to that article, that I have decided to follow up with another aspect that I see often in relationships around anger.

This time though, I want to focus on when other people read us as angry when we aren’t angry.

How often have you been asked by your partner, a friend, your kids, “are you angry”, when you quite simply aren’t feeling anger? More often though, these people will “see” that we are angry and respond as they would if we were intentionally showing anger. They will walk away, get ready to defend or ready to attack.

Now if you are not feeling angry, that can be an action that makes no sense to us. Sometimes it can be hurtful.

Let me explain with an example.

I have what we like to refer to as “resting bitch face”. I like to call it “my thinking face.” I dislike cooking. I am not a great cook and find no enjoyment in it. With a large family, it is hard to produce a meal that everyone loves and that is easy for me. Cooking is a chore. A big chore. When I am cooking, I am not angry, but I am usually deep in thought.

Frequently, before my family accepted “my thinking face”, one of them would walk into the kitchen and take one look at my face whilst I was cooking and read “anger”. Now depending on who it was, the reaction would vary.

One would ask why I was angry.

Someone else would turn about and exit as fast as they could.

Someone else would tell me I am angry and then be annoyed themselves.

You get the picture.

I was never angry. I rarely express my feelings with anger, I’m pretty tuned into me as you would hope doing this job. Usually what it was they were reading was one of these:

Me thinking about what I need to do next in the meal preparation.
Me thinking about what I haven’t yet done that day and planning.
Me analysing something in my head that was highly entertaining to me.

When I am in that space, I rarely notice anyone in the room anyway if they enter quietly. I simply was thinking. I wasn’t angry, sad, unhappy. I wasn’t anything negative at all. I was lost in my thoughts.

But to them, I looked angry. And they reacted as though I was. That didn’t feel nice for me. If someone just walked away and left, then I might wonder later on why they were being quiet and think something was wrong for them.

Their incorrect reading of my angry looking thinking face, set the tone for the evening. Not great.

When I realised this was quite common, I addressed it directly with each of them. They now know to ask me, “Are you angry”? And I will respond with an explanation for what they are obviously reading. Our evening then goes along as it should.

I see this with couples and with kids and parents quite a lot. It isn’t always reading the facial expressions incorrectly. Sometimes it is the tone, sometimes it is the volume, sometimes it is just in the delivery being abrupt.

Often, when someone is showing what is read as anger and isn’t, what they may really be feeling is:

Sad
Hurt
Scared
Confused
Stressed
Tired
Anxious
And sometimes, like me, they may just be thinking hard.

What do you take from this? Well unless you know for sure that they are angry, and I mean actually know, not just using your mind reading powers, then ask them! Maybe not in the moment. That can be hard to do if you think it is anger. But after, when you feel calm and safe, ask them. Let them know that in that moment, you thought they were angry. Ask them if you read it correctly and if not, what was it they were feeling/thinking.

Learning what is real and what we have imagined can change the whole dynamic of relationships. Any relationship.

Anger doesn’t serve us well. Even worse when we aren’t angry but get labelled as that. Something to consider in your relationships.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

1Mar, 2023

Let’s Talk About Anger

I am seeing an increase in counselling sessions of anger in various forms. Anger and how it is expressed can be very damaging to the individual, couples and families. Anger has a place and is a valid feeling and expression of emotion, BUT, it is very rarely used effectively.

Why then do people use anger to express their needs?

Typically, we use anger to express a different emotion. Anger is the surface level expression that we use to show a more vulnerable emotion. We use anger when we are scared, we use it when we are hurt and we use it when we are frustrated.

Often, we have learnt this somewhat safe expression of our feelings at a young age. It may have been demonstrated to us by parents or guardians or maybe we used it to stay safe and feel heard. Sometimes we just don’t know how to identify what we are feeling and anger is a safe way of expressing ourselves.

The problem with anger is that we can do damage and very rarely get heard or get our needs met. In fact, usually we get labelled as a problem. Even if we are not the problem.

Anger is one of the most damaging expressions of emotion in a relationship and in parenting. Often, the person using anger is a lovely person. But the anger masks that and people only see the anger, not the human hurting underneath.

If you use anger in life, then chances are it isn’t making you friends and doesn’t make you feel happy. Safe, not vulnerable maybe but not happy.

If you use anger in a relationship then you will probably not feel heard and often, be labelled as the problem. You may in fact erode your relationship using anger too often.

If you use anger parenting then you are not creating healthy mechanisms in your kids for them later in life. You probably feel like you have control but as your kids get older, you will realise that anger doesn’t create respect. It can create fear and disrespect. Anger eventually makes parenting really hard and probably doesn’t work long term.

If you use anger as a tool, then maybe it is time to learn how to use something more effective to get your needs met. Save the anger for genuine danger when you genuinely need to stay safe.

Don’t keep anger in your toolbox of communication.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

13Aug, 2022

The Importance of not giving a damn

The other day I met a lady who intrigued me by her very healthy level of self-esteem. This is not something I see often, and certainly not to the degree she displayed her self-esteem. She wasn’t overly confident in a negative way. She wasn’t full of herself. She was just very comfortable being her. She genuinely didn’t care what strangers, or even most people, thought of her. She in fact found it confusing that people do care about what other people think of them.

How very lucky she is to be given the gift of great self-worth. It is something that develops usually over our childhood and teen years and we are incredibly fortunate if we feel this way. For many, I’d actually go so far as to say most people, creating a strong sense of self is a journey and a work in progress often into adulthood.

How often have you wondered what someone has thought about how you look? What you said? How you presented yourself? How you completed a task? How you are as a parent? How you conduct your work?

It’s not bad to be curious about this. As long as it is simply a vague curiosity and doesn’t impact you in any negative way. For many, that negative thinking takes seed and grows over time until that internal voice is very busy keep track of all the external factors that actually have nothing to do with them. And usually, all negative. The positives are left to go their own way.

There is a wonderful saying, “What someone else thinks of you is none of your business”. And yet how often do we imagine what they might be thinking of us?

Learning to not give a damn about what others think of us is a large part of being able to genuinely be us. Being authentic you is the only way to start a path to being content in life.

You were born to be YOU. You can’t be anyone else and do it well. Cats don’t pretend to be dogs, dogs don’t pretend to be horses. Animals accept they are just them. We could learn a lot from animals. (Yes, I am an animal lover!).

So how do we practice not giving a damn?

It is a process and it takes time, but there are some small things you can do to start.

Social media cleanup

Whilst we all know that social media is essentially a highlight reel of people’s lives, viewing it over and over still has an impact on our brains. Look through your social media. Anything you genuinely enjoy, anything that brings happiness to you, keep it on your radar. Anything that makes you feel any kind of negative emotion, get rid of it. Silence people, leave toxic groups or chats, if it doesn’t make your life better, then it needs to go.

That perfect friend with the perfect life. If that doesn’t make you happy and feel good about yourself, then seeya (I’m talking online here). That perfect parent, that perfect body, that amazing relationship – time to let them all go back to the world outside of yours.

You aren’t missing out on anything good if it makes you feel bad. You are only missing out on lowering your mood and your self-worth.

Learn who you really are

I can’t tell you how often I work with lovely people who have no real clue of who they are. They have learnt to be what they thought they “should” be. They have learnt to do what needs to be done. But they haven’t learnt what actually makes them feel content being them. Do you know who you are? What are your hobbies? What does your perfect day look like? Do you like outdoor activities? Do you like parties and large social gatherings or do you prefer smaller groups? Do you like animals? Do you love to travel? Who are you really? If you know what you like and you aren’t doing it then you can’t be the real you. If you don’t know what you like then you can’t be you.

You are not the centre of everyone else’s universe

Now that sounds not so nice, but the reality is that each of us is very busy in our own heads. All day, every day.

What you are wearing when I see you at the shops is probably not on my radar.

If it is, then maybe it is because I love fashion and I am curious how your outfit might suit me.

It might be because you look great and I think that I don’t look so great today.

It might be because I have that exact outfit at home.

Maybe I am busy in my head and don’t even really notice you even though I am looking at you.

It could be that I wouldn’t have the guts to wear such a cool outfit.

And maybe, it is because I am judging you by my standards of what I like.

In all of these examples of what I might be thinking, you don’t even come into it. All the thoughts in my head revolve around me. Even if I am judging you, that is my issue. That is about me and my opinion.

So then, when you are next wondering what someone else is thinking about you, the answer is, you are only part of the story about them. You are a minor player, they are the star of the show. You are not the centre of their universe. You are the centre of your universe. Who cares what they are thinking?!

Practice these small things every day and you will start to realise that you are perhaps investing too much energy into people you don’t know or may not even like. Where is the sense in that?

If you doubt yourself and care what others think, focus on these small changes and you will, hopefully, be on the first steps to learning to be YOU!

30Nov, 2021

How Positive Thinking Impacts Our Mood

I found recently that my mood was lower than it normally is and had to question why? Usually, I am a pretty happy character and feel content and positive. I had to stop and really look into why I was feeling a bit “off”. What I realised, was that there was nothing different in my life and nothing wrong, I was simply immersing my brain in some heavy material.

I am an avid reader and found a new author I loved, who unfortunately, writes serial killer books and they were getting darker as I went along. Added to that, as a family, we were watching a television drama series also focusing on this theme (coincidence only!!). Essentially of an evening, I was filling my brain with negative images and thoughts then sleeping on that.

Whilst these were both absorbing stories which I was enjoying, I came to realise that I was filling my brain with so much negativity, that I was lowering my mood. So, I ditched the author and found a “happy” book to read and switched up my tv viewing also.

The result was that I was back to my happy self within a day or so. It made me really reflect on how much our brain and what is running through it, often without us realising, can directly impact how we feel.

We have no direct control over how we feel, but we can target our thoughts and turn them into a more positive focus to help us feel better. Of course, we can’t just “think” ourselves out of something like depression. But we can make small adjustments and those small adjustments can in turn make us feel slightly better which in turn can help us make other changes in our lives. It has a positive flow on effect.

As an example, say I am having a romantic dinner with my partner and he is running late. Now I can focus on the fact that he is late and start letting that negative dialogue build in my brain. It might go something like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“He still isn’t here, our food is going cold, it is going to be disgusting by the time he gets here”.

“He always let’s me down. If this was his mates he would be on time. He is so selfish.”

“I don’t think I even want to have dinner with him now. He obviously doesn’t care.”

Now I am probably unaware that I am even thinking these thoughts, I have just let them have free reign in my now angry brain. I have gone from feeling excited to see him to feeling hurt and angry at him. And all he has done is be a bit late for dinner. Putting that in perspective, it probably isn’t that big a deal, but I have let this moment take over.

Now imagine he walks in the door, 30 minutes late. Again, not that big a deal but he is apologetic and says that he left early but there was a traffic jam and he had no charge in his phone. I am so irritated now from my negative thinking that I sit and have dinner with him but I am grumpy and it is a horrible experience for both of us.

Now if I had taken control of my thinking and been aware to keep it positive, it may have gone something more like this:

“He is late again. I can’t believe it, he knew I was excited about this, gosh he is annoying”.

“Oh well, it’s only dinner, I know he was looking forward to it too. I hope he is ok, must have got caught at work or something. Hopefully he will be home soon”.

“He’s still not here. Maybe I should put the food in the oven. I guess if it is spoiled, we can always order pizza, that would be like old times when we couldn’t afford fancy meals”.

“I hope he is ok, I am a bit worried. I’m sure he just got caught at work. I love his work ethic, he probably just forgot the time. Hopefully he will be here soon”.

You can see from this dialogue, I am keeping focused on the positive, keeping perspective and problem solving.

He walks in the door 30 minutes later and I greet him with a kiss and ask why he was late. He responds that he is really sorry, traffic was bad and his phone was dead. I tell him no problem and we have a great night together.

You can see how different my evening was from how I thought about the same event. My relationship was also directly impacted by my thinking.

How we think can impact everything in our lives from our personal happiness, to friendships, work, parenting and romantic relationships. How do we do this then?

It is actually quite difficult to keep our thoughts in a positive direction all the time because watching for the negative is how we stay safe. It is a basic human instinct. But we need to learn to tune into our dialogue and try and manage it into a positive focus.

Naturally there are times when things are not so easy to deal with. Nobody ever had a car crash and had positive dialogue around that, but the degree of negative dialogue matters too.

How do we start to train our brains to think positively?

When you first wake up, try and think about your day and find a couple of positive things in it. It may be as simple as the weather is nice or you had a good sleep. They don’t need to be big things, anything works, it is a great way to start the day.
During the day, stop and focus again on what is in your head. Have you been positive or negative? Small things in our day can cause all sorts of thinking and can make or break our day so tune in.
Everyone has heard of the gratitude list. It may sound like self-help nonsense but it is a wonderful way of getting perspective. Write a list of the things in your life you are grateful for. Big, small, anything that matters to you. Often it is things we take for granted but if you didn’t have them, you would feel the loss. What are those things?
The next time you are feeling low, pull out your gratitude list and remind yourself of what is good in your life.
If you feel yourself thinking a negative thought, stop and examine it, how can you spin that thought into something more positive? Maybe you just need to put some perspective around it.
If you are focused on a negative event, try asking yourself if it will matter in a few months time. If the answer is “no”, then maybe you need to switch up your dialogue around it to something more positive.

It can be draining trying to fix our thinking but it can have a wonderful impact on our lives. Remember that you can’t fix depression just by changing your thinking so please don’t put pressure on yourself if you can’t do this. It is hard to do when we are feeling low and doesn’t feel real either.

Practice and small steps and always being kind to yourself are the best starting point.

If you need help to work on your thinking or your mood, please reach out.

1Nov, 2021

Are you mean to yourself?

One of the few things that still surprises me after working as a counsellor for so long, is how mean people are to themselves. I get to work with some really beautiful people with wonderful hearts who are generally kind to those around them. The only person they are intentionally mean to is themselves. Some of the things they say to themselves with their internal dialogue is not only cruel but wrong. So obviously wrong sometimes that it is hard to see how they even arrived at that thought!!

All of us have our own internal chatter. This is normal. But how accurate that chatter is, how kind it is, will largely determine how you feel about yourself and life overall.

Healthy, positive dialogue will help you be your authentic self and keep you focused on the right path for yourself. It will help you make the best choices for you. A positive voice will be forgiving of mistakes and empathetic in the right moments. A healthy voice will help you have healthy relationships. It will help you pursue a career path you want. This voice will help you surround yourself with people who are right for you. It will help you to look after yourself and not allow others to treat you badly. A healthy voice matters.

Unhealthy, negative dialogue will stop you from being completely authentic and content with yourself. An unhealthy voice may stop you from being who you really want to be. An unhealthy voice may get in the way of the career choices you may actually really want. The unhealthy voice may keep you in a relationship that isn’t good for you or perhaps date people who don’t align with you. An unhealthy voice will make life harder. It will not help you be content.

So, what are some examples of healthy and unhealthy dialogue?

To show this, I am going to use some real examples of past clients. These examples aren’t one client, but a blending of what I hear from people put into one example for the sake of confidentiality.

Unhealthy example: Tina is a 37 year old Mum of 2 who came to counselling as she was feeling like she had lost her identity and whilst life looked like it should be good, she wasn’t happy. After working with Tina, we learnt that she had grown up trying to please her parents and she thought that the best way to get approval was to do what others wanted (not true but a belief system that was set when she was a child). Tina tried to be kind to everyone and owned the behaviour of her family and friends. If someone was upset, she wondered what she had said wrong and would try even harder to be perfect for them. She never said no to anyone for fear of upsetting them. As a result, she was going to parties and outings that she didn’t like but pretended to in order to fit in and please people. Her husband was the only one she was her authentic self with and she would vent her frustration and unhappiness at him. He couldn’t understand why Tina was so nice to everyone else and not to him.

Tina’s internal dialogue was that she didn’t really fit in with the other Mums at school, she wasn’t quite skinny enough and she could never think of the ‘right’ thing to say so she was often quiet and then she thought that the others must think she was boring. She didn’t have a career, she was a stay-at-home Mum and she felt that she should feel grateful for this, but really, she resented it and wished that she had pursued her dream of becoming a teacher. She didn’t tell anyone this because that would seem ungrateful for her ‘perfect’ life. Tina knew what she wanted but her internal dialogue wouldn’t allow her to follow her needs.

Tina was kind to everyone else and mean to herself, constantly telling herself that she was boring, didn’t say the right thing, wasn’t allowed to be sad, should be grateful for the life she had even though a lot of it wasn’t what she wanted. As a result, she was mildly depressed and watching her life from the outside with sadness.

Tina was in fact a really great person who was funny, intelligent and drew people to her. Her husband thought he was looking after her by telling her not to work but was happy for her to study and pursue a career if she wanted. Her friends thought she had it all together and loved having her at their events. In sessions, we worked through her negative dialogue and Tina was able to identify what she really wanted in life and pursue it. She also learnt to say no to things she really didn’t want to do. Tina, with a lot of work, changed her internal dialogue to be more accurate and positive and became her authentic self.

Healthy Example: Alice was 33 and came to counselling as she had a boyfriend who she had been dating for 2 years but was questioning the relationship as he was pushing for children together. She wanted to work through her thinking as people kept telling her she should stay in the relationship. According to her family and friends, her partner was so nice and she was at the age to settle down and have kids. She was pretty adamant with what she wanted but felt she would use a counsellor to bounce around her ideas before making a decision.

Alice worked as a marketing manager of a large company and loved her work. She played team sports on the weekend, went to nice dinners, travelled in her free time and spent a lot of time with her friends doing various things she enjoyed. Alice didn’t think she wanted kids. She was waiting for the moment to kick in that everyone spoke about but she never felt the urge. Her boyfriend really wanted kids and they were starting to argue about it. She had told him at the start that she didn’t think she wanted kids and he thought that she would change her mind over time. He was now putting pressure on her to decide.

Tina had really healthy internal dialogue. When people told her she should want kids and might regret it later, Tina thought to herself that they were the odd ones wanting kids and she was happy with her choice. When family suggested that she might end up single and alone if she didn’t have kids with her boyfriend, her internal thinking was that they meant well but she knew what she wanted and it was the life she had set up for herself. She thought that if her relationship ended because of not wanting kids then she would be sad but she would be alright single too, she was capable of being alone and liked her own company.

Tina thought to herself that she had worked really hard to get to the top of her career and it gave her both pleasure and fulfilment. She didn’t want to change that and her thinking around that was that she was happy she had achieved her dream and wasn’t going to be swayed by others thinking she was wrong.

Tina went out with friends and if they didn’t want to go with her, she assumed they were busy or had something going on. She never once thought that she had done something wrong. She didn’t own anyone else’s behaviour. Tina was a really lovely person who often made kind gestures towards others, but she never once doubted that she was wrong in how she wanted to live her life. She was good at saying no to things she didn’t like. Including having children. She was living her authentic life and was very happy and content.

Alice didn’t need any guidance in counselling. She simply needed a blank canvas with no judgement for her to talk out loud her thinking around such a big decision.

How we speak to ourselves matters. It doesn’t always have to be positive. Sometimes we may need to give ourselves a kick along. But it has to be healthy. Our internal chatter impacts every area of our lives.

So, what is your internal dialogue like? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Is your dialogue healthy?

If it isn’t, then chances are you aren’t living your authentic life. Make changes today and be you. It is the only person you can be and the one that you will be best at being.

As always, here if you need.

15Sep, 2021

Natural Ways to lift your mood

This article is a summary of information from an article written a decade ago by a dietitian friend of mine, Paula Tazzyman. I am not qualified to talk about food and the impact it has on mood at a technical level which is why I originally asked this wonderful dietitian to explore this for my clients. The original article is on my website if you would like to read it in full, but I felt during this extended lockdown, it would be good to put this information out again for my clients.

Our brains, like our bodies, require nutrients to function well. During this never ending lockdown, many people are really starting to struggle with low mood and depression. Whilst we can’t fix the real cause of this, what we can do is give our brains the best tools to survive it. That means feeding your brain with the nutrients it needs.

Here are a few things that are easy to do and will help support your mood.

1.Eat tryptophan rich protein foods.

Tryptophan is used to make serotonin, the feel good brain chemical. To help your brain produce serotonin naturally, try adding these foods into your diet:

Turkey
cheese – especially cottage, swiss and cheddar
milk
yoghurt
eggs
meat
fish
chicken
nuts
soy and other legumes.

2. Eat plenty of zinc rich foods.

Zinc too is required to make serotonin. To boost your zinc naturally eat:

Oysters, ideally fresh
Seafood
red meat
pumpkin seeds are a good option from plant foods.

(Signs of zinc deficiency include: white spots/ridges on nails, stretch marks, poor wound healing, mouth ulcers, eczema & psoriasis, hair loss, low immunity, loss of appetite, impaired sense of taste and smell).

According to the dietitian, blood tests for zinc are not very accurate and if you suspect you may be low in zinc, see a good naturopath to test for this. Zinc can unbalance other nutrients so if you want to try a supplement as well as natural foods, see a naturopath first.

3. Eat a magnesium rich diet.

Magnesium is also involved in making serotonin. Magnesium calms the nervous system and relaxes the body. Easy ways to add magnesium are:

Brazil nuts (3-4 per day)
rolled oats
brown rice
green leafy vegetables
nuts and seeds
legumes and dark chocolate ( a particular favourite of mine!).
Bathing in epsom salts

Low magnesium levels may show through tight muscles leading to cramps and muscle fatigue, increased hyperactivity and impulsivity, poor sleep, poor attention, constipation, anxiety and depression.

4. Omega 3 fish oils.

Omega 3 fish oils are a great support for mood. Naturally, eating fish is a good natural support here but may not be enough alone to support the levels of Omega 3 needed to support mood. A good Omega supplement with EPA may also help here.

Signs that the body needs more omega 3 fats are excessive thirst; frequent urination; rough, dry, bumpy skin; dry, dull hair/dandruff; soft, brittle nails, eczema, asthma, hay fever, poor night vision, sensitivity to light, visual disturbances, distractibility, poor concentration, difficulties with memory, depression, excessive mood swings, undue anxiety, difficulties falling asleep or waking up.

5. Vitamin D.

Vitamin D deficiency is becoming common in Australia now. A blood test will show if your levels are adequate to support your mood. She suggests having levels well above 75 nmol/L all year round and that levels of 100-120 nmol/L are good for mental health.

The easiest way to meet this need is through exposure to sunlight. The darker your skin, the more exposure you need. This is usually easy to meet in Summer but can be hard in Winter so a good supplement can assist through the Winter months. Obviously take care of your skin and don’t get burnt trying to fill up on your Vitamin D levels in the sun.

6. Exercise

This last one isn’t part of our diet but has a big impact on our mood also. It is suggested that 20 minutes of elevated heart rate a day will help boost our mood. Get out for a quick walk around the block, put a YouTube exercise class on or join an online gym class. It is hard to start exercising when we feel down, but if you set yourself a 20 minute goal a day it is usually attainable and over time we start to enjoy this mood bolstering outing.

The full article by Paula explains some of this in more detail if you are interested. There is no need to overhaul your diet, simply being aware to add some of these foods in on a daily basis, getting some sunshine and going for a walk, can help keep us mentally healthy whilst we sit out this lockdown.

I hope this helps. As always, reach out if you need and book a session.

2Aug, 2021

How can low self- esteem affect the adolescent?

Those of you who have worked with me or are familiar with the work I do, would know that I put a lot of focus on self-esteem. For individuals, in relationships and of course nurturing this in our kids and teens. Self-esteem impacts every area of our lives. Often the first time we see signs that our self-esteem is low, is during the teen years. In this article, I want to talk about some of the signs I see in teens that show healthy self-esteem, and some of the symptoms that may show they need help.

So, what are some of the signs of healthy self-esteem in our teens?

The ability to form friendships and interact with their peers reasonably comfortably. School puts this under the spotlight as kids work to fit in and form relationships
Dealing with minor challenges in life comfortably
Engaging in hobbies and activities
Having a mostly healthy view of their physical self

These are just some things we would expect to see in our teens with healthy self-esteem. It is not a definitive list, but look for these things to ensure they are tracking well.

Now let’s look at some of the signs of low self-esteem in this age group.

Having difficulty making or keeping friendships or peer relationships
Holding back from volunteering answers or participating in class
Not owning their achievements or downplaying them
Isolating themselves from others, sometimes including at home (although healthy teens do like their bedrooms also!)
Being angry at things that shouldn’t normally incite anger
Hearing a negative message from others when it wasn’t in fact negative
Being overly judgemental of others
Blaming others for their own mistakes or problems
Negative moods. Often taken out on family and peers
Poor self-image. Sometimes masked through makeup, controlled eating or exercising
Being promiscuous. Having sexual encounters that aren’t appropriate or with someone they don’t care for
Difficulty accepting compliments
Trying to be a perfectionist, or conversely, not trying at all
Fear of failure, above what would be expected at this age
For girls, wearing a lot of makeup to leave the home
Making a statement by dressing in outlandish outfits to act as though they don’t care about fitting in
Using alcohol and drugs
Being overly sulky
Anxiety
Depression
Cutting

As you can see, the list of potential signs of low self-esteem is long and varied. Some of the things may well be normal and a part of the adolescent experience and growth. It can be difficult to see immediately, if it is normal teen behaviour, or low self-esteem at play. I often speak with parents who contact me for their teens for behavioural issues, they believe they have a teen who is simply acting out and adhering to the ‘typical difficult teen’ we all hear about. Usually when I start working with these kids, it becomes apparent pretty quickly, that the behaviours are a result of low self-esteem, they are negative coping mechanisms they have drawn on to stay safe.

Client case adapted to ensure privacy and confidentiality:

I worked with a young lady, 14, who was rude to her family, sulky, disrespectful to teachers and had few friends. The friends she did have, she didn’t treat very well. When she met me, she was angry and dismissive of counselling. Her Mum was used to her behaving like that and put it down to her being a difficult teen. It was only when they discovered she had started drinking and was having sex, that they decided something needed to be done and contacted me.

To the outside world, this girl was just not a nice person. Her Mum kept apologising to me for how rude she was when we would meet (this confirmed to this girl that she was a big problem). When she finally decided she could trust me and she opened up, we discovered that her self-esteem was very low. She had been acting as she had so that people wouldn’t see how terrified she was that she wasn’t as good as other kids. All her behaviours were about trying to stay safe and fit in. In a very odd way, but she was trying to show she didn’t care. When she realised that these behaviours meant people didn’t like her for those, she was stuck and couldn’t back track without losing face. She then dug her heels in and took on even more poor decisions.

Inside, the truth was, she really believed she was ugly and stupid and thought her parents didn’t love her as much as her siblings. With her behaviours she had dug herself a hole and couldn’t find a way out. (After finishing our counselling work, she is a happy, well adjusted teen with healthy self-esteem and way easier to parent as a result).

This is pretty typical of what I see although the symptoms are varied. I do find that parents tend to reach out when the behaviours are impacting others in a negative way. Often the problem is not seen if the teen presents them in towards themselves. If you see a number of these symptoms in your teen, then it is worthwhile looking at to see what is going on underneath in that adolescent brain.

Being a teen is hard work. We have all been there. It is a time where we are trying to work out how we fit it, who we are, navigate school, home, exams, hormones and expectations, all with a brain that is still growing and developing.

If throughout this journey, our self-esteem is healthy, then we have an easier time of this task. If it isn’t, then we can create some negative coping mechanisms that we may well take into adulthood with us.

One of the best gifts you can give your child is helping them, either yourself or with the help of a professional, to have a healthy self-esteem so life is that little bit easier to navigate and they can be their authentic self.

24Jul, 2021

10 Ways to Help Survive Lockdown – Again

Lockdown can bring up many mental challenges that we don’t expect and don’t have the experience to navigate easily. For some people, mostly the introverted, Lockdown can be reasonably easy to navigate if not enjoyable in some ways. For others, it can cause mild levels of depression that become hard to manage when isolated – think of our extroverts who need people to recharge their batteries.

Whilst everyone likes to say “we are all in this together”, and we are, but we all have very different experiences and challenges.

I am speaking to people who are typically upbeat and outgoing but during this lockdown, they are struggling to find their happy space. And this can be both confusing and confronting. Even the introverted who enjoy being at home are finding it tough having everyone else at home with them constantly and not getting a break from people. Even if they love them.

Then there are those who live alone and are isolated. And of course, the financial challenge for many. Life in lockdown can be extremely challenging for people in this situation. Sometimes we may start to feel different and not even realise it for a while.

We can’t change what the rules are and what we have to live with. What we do have control over is how we think, to a certain degree, and what we do within the rules we’ve been given. We have control over our actions within the home.

What are some things we can do to help survive this difficult time and care for our mental health?

Firstly, accept that you are in this space and stop focusing on being angry about it. I get you may feel angry. Whether it is fair or appropriate is irrelevant to your mental health. You can’t change it so focusing on the negative only makes you feel Start saying to yourself that “Yep, this is hard, I don’t like it, don’t agree with it. But I can’t change it, I will be ok, this will end, I will use this time to look after myself”. Or something to that effect.
Reflect on who you are (introverted, extroverted, a mix) and what you need to ‘charge your batteries’. Be honest with yourself. If you hate being isolated and away from friends, then acknowledge that. If you are struggling having your family on top of you every day, then be honest about that with yourself. Self-insight is really important to help manage our mental health so taking time to think about your mental and emotional needs is important.
Once you know what your needs are, look at ways to try and meet those needs as best you can in this situation. One very extroverted friend of mine said he is struggling with being isolated and so he and his mates hooked up a Zoom call, fired up their barbeques and sat with their beers and had a remote barbecue. Is that as good as being with his mates? Of course not, but he found a way to lessen the feeling of isolation and connect with his mates. Think about ways you can connect with people you miss.
Be aware that Winter and the lockdown are both having an impact on our Vitamin D levels. There is evidence to support Vitamin D has an impact on our mood and being deficient can cause our mood to drop. Consider taking a Vitamin D supplement to support your mood during this time.
Make a list of things you can achieve during this time or things to do to keep you busy and fulfilled. Learn a new skill, try a new hobby, finish (or start), something you have wanted to do but never had the time. Some ideas and some things people I know are doing are:

- learn to cook or if you can cook, learn some new recipes or get creative.
- Grab your camera if you have one or your phone if not and get creative with some photography. There are plenty of apps available to edit your photos and you can have some fun creating.
- Get fitter. Hard to get the motivation with this sometimes but again there is a huge number of online tutorials to help you. Some basic weights or exercise equipment which you can easily get delivered online will help start this journey. Even consider setting up a Zoom session with a friend and exercise together remotely. Maybe set yourself a challenge and start a competition in your home or with friends.
- Declutter one room in your home every few days. This alone is great for our mental health, having an organised space.
- Get your photo collection out and organise it.
- If you have a dog, teach it a new trick. Your dog will love the time with you too.
- Write a book. Maybe nobody will ever read it, that isn’t the point though. Get creative and write your own novel. Or if that doesn’t appeal, how about writing your life story. That itself can be quite a journey and something nice to read and reflect on years down the track. It can also be really therapeutic.
- Set up online dates with friends. Plan ahead so you have something to look forward to.
- If you are part of a couple, set up date night as though you are going out to dinner. Set a romantic table, a nice meal, get dressed up and create the theme as though you are at a restaurant. Creating this can be as fun as the meal itself.
- Get the board games out and play with family or again, remotely with friends.
- Learn to sew or knit.
- Take up a musical instrument.
- Take an online course.
- Make some family videos.

6. Be kind to yourself. It’s ok if you feel flat. Don’t compare yourself to how others are doing, we all do this lockdown thing differently because we have different environments and different needs. Reach out to someone you trust to talk about how you feel. Sometimes just acknowledging that can be enough to help you through a tough moment.

7.Reach out for counselling. Many people haven’t tried counselling, believing it to be for people who are mentally not well. It’s actually the opposite. It is about helping people navigate moments in life and helping them to understand themselves so they can make healthy changes for themselves. We don’t ‘fix’ people, we help, guide, support and accept. We have been trained to listen and ask good questions to help you learn about you.

It’s interesting, in other countries, people have their “own therapist” who they speak to as they need and they see this as legitimate as visiting the dentist or taking the car to the mechanic. They speak about it freely. It is a positive and a good thing to have your own therapist. In Australia though, we view it as a negative need and not something that we embrace as a good thing, nor do we share the experience with our friends. I have some clients who treat is as kindness to themselves and see me regularly for years. Not because they have ‘issues’ but simply because they enjoy it.

As a counsellor, I need to do regular sessions with another counsellor to make sure I am doing my job well. I love these sessions. I have a counsellor who I have worked closely with for years and genuinely look forward to my sessions with him. It is a time that is just about me, to say whatever I feel and not worry about judgement. Some times I get a little out of those sessions, other times I get a lot. After more than a decade of doing this job, I still learn about myself. Lockdown is the perfect time to try out counselling and see if you like it. Not only will you get some support in a difficult time, you may learn something about yourself and come out of lockdown in a better head space and having a cool resource to use in future.

8.Try and get a healthy routine going. It can be tempting to sleep in, lie in your pyjamas all day and do nothing. I love this for the odd day or two, pyjama days can be really healthy, but not frequently. Get dressed, exercise, eat well, have a plan to achieve at least one thing (big or small) each day.

9.Rearrange a room. This can be fun and create a different environment when you are stuck in the one environment. No cost involved here but if you need a few things, again there are plenty of places delivering during this time with no contact. Nothing like a fresh space to enjoy being stuck in!

10.Finally, keep a diary of this time. Written or video, it can be a really great way of identifying how you are going and it is something that we can all do and reflect on in years to come.

This can be a really challenging time. Be kind to yourself, remind yourself it will end at some point and reach out for help if you feel down.

All the best.

8Jun, 2021

A Little Bit About Anger

All of us feel anger at times. It is a valid emotion and can be either helpful or destructive depending on how we express it.

In our relationships, romantic, family, friendships and work, we will naturally at times feel anger. How we deal with this emotion and show it, largely dictates whether we get our needs met and indeed if we get to maintain healthy relationships.

People who express anger poorly, will likely struggle to maintain healthy relationships throughout life. They may also have physical health issues as the mental state of anger can have a physiological impact on the body.

In addition, some people who have issues with anger, will also turn to various crutches to help them feel better. Things like drugs, alcohol, gambling and sex are some of the things that might be used.

Anger is valid. We are raised to believe that we shouldn’t express anger. The problem with this is that we are hardwired to feel this emotion and so we need to learn as children, how to understand this emotion and how to use it for our benefit and ensure we don’t hurt those around us.

As parents, we need to teach our kids that it is alright to feel anger. Then we need to teach them how to understand what it is about, why they feel angry. From there we show them the skills in expressing this emotion in a healthy way.

For many of us, parents either didn’t see anger as valid and so children learnt to suppress it. Or, perhaps they demonstrated a poor expression of anger. They let anger overwhelm them, take charge and become destructive. This model is then what many children rely on in life to express their feelings of anger.

I have met people who were raised with the idea that anger is a positive expression of emotion and to use it in a destructive way, is powerful. To learn to show anger in a calm manner, is perceived as weak. We go into our adult life with the tools we have been given, including how we view anger.

We aren’t in control of what we have learnt as children in how to process and express our emotions. But as adults, we have complete control and choices. If you recognise that your anger may be having a negative impact on your life and relationships, or a partner or friend perhaps has identified this, then it’s time to take control.

What are some signs of unhealthy anger?

These are a few things that you may notice:

Constantly criticising people and things
Flying off the handle over small things
Feeling out of control with your emotions
Jumping to negative conclusions that are incorrect
Having a low tolerance to minor frustrations
Unable to take criticism
Being angry at friends or family for perceived criticisms
Road rage
Physical violence
Yelling or screaming to communicate
Name calling or swearing in conflict communication
Refusing to take responsibility for any negatives

I often work with couples who identify issues of anger in their relationships. It can destroy an otherwise good relationship. As individuals, we need to learn to tune into our emotions, identify what we are feeling and why, and then find a positive way to either express or manage it.

Some simple strategies to start with are:

Walk away if you can and calm yourself.
Accept that it is ok to feel that way.
Try and identify what you are feeling that caused the anger. Do you feel hurt, frustrated?
Release the anger if you need to through physical exercise. Running, punching a punching bag (a pillow will do if you are stuck), get stuck into cleaning or yard work, call a friend. Anything that will help get rid of those feelings and get the brain rational again.
Find a way to express what you are feeling in a positive way if you need to express your feelings. Sometimes when we take the time to think about it, we may not need to talk about what made us angry to start with.

These techniques may help you to start taking control of your emotions. Being aware and understanding yourself is the first step to taking control and making change.

If you get stuck then reach out for help. You can learn to take control. It is something we often need help with to learn to understand why we react like this and how to make the changes to express anger in a positive way.

Regards

Sharon.

12May, 2021

7 Traits that promote a healthy relationship

I often write about common problems within a relationship and how to solve these. In this article, I am going to give a brief overview on what positive traits I see in individuals which may help with a long-term healthy relationship.

There are obviously many aspects of a relationship that can help keep it healthy. After working with hundreds of couples over the years, these are seven things I regularly see in healthy relationships.

Kindness – if you and your partner are naturally kind, then that will come through in your relationship. Think about people you know, friends, family, work colleagues. Now you may like a lot of these people, but which of them would you label as ‘kind’?

We can all be kind at times, but there are those people who are naturally kind most of the time. Doesn’t make them perfect, just kind. When we talk about kind, we are referring to someone who is gentle, caring and helpful. We can all be kind at times, but are we kind most of the time?

When I meet couples where both people are kind, or kind a lot of the time, I see how easily they can work together. Kindness allows them to listen more easily to problems. It means they want to try and please their partner more. It means they are more naturally inclined to try and make their partner happy according to their partner’s needs.

Kindness is a big indicator to me that a relationship can work well over the longer term. It is not something that can generally be taught but we can certainly practice this skill.

Accommodating – this is probably in a similar vein to kindness but what I mean by this is that we naturally allow for both our partners needs and faults. Couples who are accommodating will promote their partner doing things for themselves. Things like going out with their friends or enjoying their hobbies.

They will also be more accepting of faults and minor differences. This is really important in a relationship. ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ is a perfect saying in a relationship and can go a long way in helping to keep a relationship healthy.

We can accommodate both our partners needs and faults in a relationship which helps to keep it running smoothly.

We can learn to be more accommodating in our relationships if we choose to work at this.

Good Communication – many people think they are great communicators, but being able to talk and being an effective communicator are two different things. Good communication includes having the ability to not only listen, but to understand the message being sent. This involves watching facial expressions, body language, listening to tone and then putting it all together.

This alone is a skill in itself and many people will believe that they listen well. Often, they are forming their response, or, imagining they know where the conversation is going. Listening with both open ears and an open mind is important. Having this skill helps couples to manage differences and needs within the relationship effectively.

Couples that feel really ‘heard’ by their partner will feel verbal and often emotional intimacy in their relationship. Having these forms of intimacy is vital to individual happiness of each partner and therefore the success of the relationship.

Communication is most definitely a learnt skill. It can be learnt at any age so if you don’t have this, you can start learning today.

Healthy Conflict- Every relationship is going to have some differences. How we navigate these can have a huge impact on the health of the relationship. Couples who don’t resolve issues or who hurt each other in the process with unkind words or gestures, will slowly erode their relationship. An otherwise happy relationship with a lot of love can be eroded over time with poor conflict skills.

Couples who find a way to talk of differences and find solutions together will be able to navigate life as it happens. This is particularly important if you have different ideas on important subjects, or when kids arrive into your life.

Conflict skills can be learnt at any age but usually require some assistance from an outside source. Couples may know they don’t do conflict well but it can often be difficult to identify where it is going wrong without some assistance.

Self-awareness – this is the ability to look within ourselves and see our feelings, thoughts and reasons for our behaviours. Typically, being able to do this means we can reflect and see our positive qualities as well as our not so great traits. Being able to do this means we can own our part in a relationship that may be part of a problem and need change.

When I work with people who have little self-awareness, they are very good at having reasons for their behaviours or excuses for themselves. Take a moment to think of people in your life who you have raised a negative with (in a healthy way). Do they accept what you are saying? Did they offer an apology or some empathy? Do they offer to make a change? If they do any of these things then chances are they have good self-awareness.

If on the other hand, they offer you excuses, try and move the blame, or even perhaps paint themselves as the victim, then it is unlikely that they have a good level of self-awareness.

Of course, there are other reasons why people back away from a negative and it isn’t always because they have little self-awareness. But this can be an indicator.

Self-awareness is vital to make change. We need to recognise what we need to change before we can change it. Self-awareness can be learnt so if this is you, don’t despair, you can learn yourself on a different level if you want to.

Empathy – this is being able to put yourself in your partners shoes and try and
imagine what it might feel like. I see empathy as the bridge between couples when they have different needs or different ideas around life. Without empathy, we can’t have emotional intimacy in our relationship.

Having empathy allows us to try and understand our partners point of view and accept it as valid, even if it is different from ours. Having empathy doesn’t mean we are wrong, it just means we can see how might feel differently for them and respond accordingly.

Couples will have different needs. Being able to listen to your partner with empathy and then use this to try and meet their needs, means you are able to play a large role in making your partner happy within the relationship.

Empathy is not in itself a learnt skill but learning to show it is definitely a skill we can learn and it will benefit your relationship in a big way.

Good self-esteem – rather, we need ‘good enough’ self-esteem. I have listed this last, but really it is the pre cursor for all of the above. Self-esteem is a driver of many of our personal behaviours and thoughts, how we manage a relationship is largely impacted by this also.

Couples who both have healthy self-esteem are better able to have good communication, have healthy conflict, be more accommodating of each other, be kind, show empathy and have self-awareness. All of these things are present in a healthy relationship and they can all be impacted by self-esteem.

If we have a healthy view of ourselves, we are able to be our authentic selves and allow others to be their true selves also. We can embrace the differences in our partners and see them as positives rather than risk factors to the relationship.

Self-esteem can be repaired if it has been damaged. It takes work but it well worth the effort.

Relationships that have these seven factors, or most of these, stand a really great chance of being happy, healthy relationships through all of life’s challenges. If you want a long term happy relationship, take some time now to reflect on where your relationship is strong and where it may benefit from some attention.

If you need help making your relationship healthy, Book a session now to start creating a better relationship.

Articles

What are some signs of unhealthy anger?

Some simple strategies to start with are: