In a previous article How to Survive Infidelity in your Relationship I discussed the ‘rules’ and basic steps that need to be followed for a couple to try and restore their relationship after an affair. In this article, I explore further how the betrayed spouse can learn to manage the resentment, overcome affair, and continual thoughts they have about the infidelity.

Surprisingly, many couples will choose to work to keep a relationship after an affair has come to light. Initially, when couples get together, they usually state that if the other has an affair, then the relationship will be over. This tends to be the case in a relationship that is short in length but more often, when couples have been together for many years, and often created a family together, they will choose to try to work through the affair.

Discovered the Affair

When the affair is first discovered, there is often a great deal of shock, even if there was suspicion, and then follows a cycle of feelings that can leave the betrayed person feeling like they are going crazy.

Often people who find themselves in this situation will tell me that they need reassurance that they are ‘normal’ because their feelings are so heightened and can be dramatically different from one moment to the next. They may be relaxed one moment and speaking normally to their partner and the next moment they are sobbing and screaming hysterically at them. This is normal and as long as you are doing the right things, it will pass.

Overcome Affair

So how do you move on? Firstly, accepting that it is a big deal, is incredibly hurtful and will take time to work through. For many people it can shake the very foundations of their self-view. For others, they lay blame firmly at the feet of their partner and need to exact revenge without taking any share of the responsibility for repairing the relationship.

It is incredibly important to realise that you are not to blame. It was not your choice or decision and you are not responsible for your partner’s actions. It is also important to accept that the relationship being vulnerable to an affair is the responsibility of both partners. This can be tough as you didn’t choose to do the wrong thing but you can’t repair the relationship and have a healthy relationship if you are not willing to look at the foundations.

That being said, there are a number of challenges for the betrayed partner that often get in the way of being able to help work on repairing the relationship. Recurring thoughts of your partner with the other person, a sense of resentment that they are getting away with it, a feeling of being stupid in other people’s eyes for staying, questioning whether they loved the other person, associating special dates with the infidelity and the questioning of “what was wrong with me”?

These are common thoughts that arise for many people. It is important that you talk to your partner about these as much as possible initially to get the answers you require. After you have exhausted that avenue, if the thoughts are still there (and they usually are), then you need to find strategies to work through them yourself.

Many people will tell me this isn’t fair because the other person did the wrong thing and they are the one that is paying the bigger price. No it’s not fair but it isn’t a choice.

Strategies to help overcome resentment and negative thinking

1. Have a good friend or family member that you can speak to safely. Use them to talk about your feelings and doubts. You are not after answers from them, it is just a safe avenue to be heard and unload what is running through your head.

2. Keep up your hobbies and interests. If you had none, then now is a great time to try and find something for you to enjoy. It is about having other distractions so that every moment is not dedicated to thinking about the affair. It is also important to try and make yourself feel good doing other activities.

3. Focus on what you and your partner are doing well now. What is different and good about the relationship? Look for the positives each day. If you and your partner are working on fixing the relationship, then they should be doing some positive things so try and be in the moment with them and look for these.

4. If you continually have the same thoughts running through your head, then write them down. Look at the thoughts you are having and see if there is a trigger for these thoughts. Are they realistic and real or are you looking for problems and imaging scenarios?

5. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to run away and take control. It is important to not try and push them down, but you can’t allow them control either. When you get a negative thought, allow yourself 10 seconds to reflect on it and then try and think of a positive in your life at that moment. Sometimes even a non-negative will do. Keep thinking of positives until the negative thought has faded.

6. When a negative thought strikes, stop, breath slowly and focus on what you were thinking about immediately before the thought, then try and think about the thought before that and so on. This is both distracting and can be helpful in identifying triggers.

7. Get your partner to write you a love letter. Seems strange perhaps but many people who are genuinely trying to repair their relationship after an affair have said they find a great deal of comfort in this. Your partner can say all the right things but they are not with you every moment and this is often when the doubts set in. Having a letter to be able to carry with you and read through in a bad moment can be a big help.

8. Try and create new memories and habits together. If you ate dinner in front of television, then starting eating at the table, if you always did chores on the weekends, carve out some couple time to go for a walk. Creating new, healthy habits is important for the relationship but is also helpful in terms of recovery as there are a lot more good memories to fall back on in difficult moments.

Overcoming an affair is traumatic and can take a long time. Don’t be critical of yourself and think you should be ‘getting over’ it quickly. If you have a good day and then a bad day, that is OK. If you have lots of bad moments and one good moment, then that is progress. There is no set time limit to recovery. Allow yourself to feel but be aware that you can help yourself move in the right direction by trying the techniques above.

If in doubt, seek help. Often a third party helping you to navigate the problems as they arise can make the difference between overcoming and affair and creating a great relationship, and giving up because it is too hard.

Most couples experience some problems in their relationship at some stage. Expecting that your relationship will not always be the perfect, romantic picture you have in your head and being able to deal with issues as they arise is important for the longevity of a relationship.

6 Common Relationship Problems

Some of the most common issues that arise in relationships are:

1. Poor or Ineffective Communication 

It is widely accepted that one of the core strengths of a successful relationship is good communication. Good communication is characterised by both parties being able to have calm, clear interactions where the message being sent is clearly received by the other person. Couples need to be able to read both verbal and non-verbal communications correctly and feel that their message has been received and accepted.

Having good communication skills is important as it allows you to maintain a close bond with each other and also provides the backing for good conflict resolution. When couples do not communicate well, often minor issues in a relationship can become major ones and issues are not resolved which causes resentment and can lead to a combative relationship.

2. Poor Conflict Resolution Skills 

Conflict is part of any relationship as we don’t always have the same values, dream, goals or perceptions. Some couples are able to work through these differences and find a solution together that is acceptable to both parties.

Many couples are unable to work through these points of difference and will have unresolved issues. This is usually sustainable within the relationship if it is infrequent or not about core issues. However, when couples consistently fail to resolve problems then the relationship starts to feel the effects of this.

Couples who are not good at resolving conflict will often start to manage conflict in a number of negative ways. Some will start to ignore each other or the point of difference which tends to lead to resentment. Others will start to get louder and find nothing unusual in yelling at each other to try and get their point across. Still others will become passive/aggressive and give in only to try and pay back their partner in another way. Finally, there are couples where one person will continually back down and not have their needs met.

The result of frequent, poorly handled conflict in a relationship can be withdrawal in the relationship, anxiety and aggression.

3. Infidelity

While most people view infidelity as a physical interaction with another person outside of the relationship, more and more with social media and electronic communications, couples are finding different forms of infidelity within the relationship are occurring.

Couples have differing ideas on what constitutes infidelity. For some, it means a sexual affair with another person, for others it can be romantic or sexual communications with no touch being involved. Whatever the situation, infidelity can be incredibly damaging to a relationship and cause issues around trust which can take years to overcome.

Infidelity is viewed by the other partner as a violation of trust and can be damaging to the persons self-esteem as well as the relationship. Typically (though not always), men tend to be involved in sexual infidelity and women are involved in emotional infidelity (though both can be present). Interestingly, women are more likely than men to try and forgive an infidelity and try and work towards repairing the relationship.

4. Loss of Intimacy

Intimacy includes physical interactions as well as emotional and mental connections between couples. Often one of the first areas to deteriorate noticeably in a relationship is the sexual intimacy between partners. Usually, although not always, men will place more emphasis on this area not meeting their needs. A significant change in this area (after the honeymoon period of course) is often indicative of problems in the relationship.

Women tend to withdraw sexually and men emotionally when the relationship is not healthy, so paying attention to these areas is important for the health of the relationship.

A withdrawal in areas of intimacy can lead to isolation within the relationship and other problems can take on a greater sense of importance if this area is not satisfactory.

5. Substance Abuse

Substance abuse within a relationship, often alcohol abuse, can have a big impact on the health of the relationship. Often individuals will turn to alcohol, or other substances to help alleviate personal problems or stresses and this impacts on the relationship.

Excessive drinking or drug taking can cause the individual to withdraw, not communicate well and have less interest in hearing the problems of their partner. Of course other problems can arise out if substance abuse too such as financial difficulties or health problems and these too place a strain on the relationship.

6. Individual Issues

Often couples with otherwise healthy relationships will struggle to maintain a long term, healthy relationship because of issues such as depression, anxiety or self-esteem. While many people can be very supportive of these issues in their partner, it can be a draining exercise trying to maintain healthy interactions.

Couples with one of these factors in their relationship will often struggle with an unbalanced relationship, poor communication and anger within the relationship. The problems that can arise out of these issues are difficult for the individual to manage and when placed within a relationship, can add a very real pressure that is difficult to identify. Often problems present as a basic relationship problem when in fact it originally stems from the individual issue.

It is important not to place blame on the individual suffering from these issues but to have an awareness that it can place an extra burden on the relationship and professional help is important to try and identify and correct the underlying problems.

If you notice any of these common relationship problems in your relationship, then seek help as soon as you can to help identify the core issues and create that healthy relationship that everyone dreams about. All of these issues identified above can be fixed in your relationship, but the sooner you get help or try to address them, the easier it is to get the results you want.

One of the biggest and most common problems I see in relationships is poor communication between couples. To maintain a happy, healthy relationship, it is important to learn to listen effectively to your partner. This helps your partner feel respected and important and also helps to make sure there are no misunderstandings in the message they are trying to send.

Most of us talk more than we listen and are often either distracted by other things when our partner is trying to convey something important to us, or we are busy formulating our response while we wait for them to finish talking.

Many couples will have the complaint that their partner doesn’t listen to them. The response to this is usually that they are listening and they can often repeat word for word what was said – that doesn’t necessarily mean they have heard the message being given.

Important Points for Effective Listening

There are a few points that are important to help with effective listening and using these with your partner, particularly when it is something important to them, can improve your relationship. These are 9 tips for effective listening:

1. When your partner wants to talk to you, not just have a casual chat, it is important to make sure there are no distractions. When possible, make sure you are showing that you attentive through your body language. Stop doing whatever it was you were doing and face your partner with a relaxed stance. Make eye contact and show you are ready to listen.

 2. Listen and don’t interrupt. Couples have a tendency to listen to the start of what their partner is saying and then either shutting off (yes, they’ve heard it before) or finishing the sentence for their partner because they presume they know what they are trying to say.

Allow your partner to finish their story completely before responding. Sometimes this can be frustrating if they take some time to formulate their thoughts, but it is important so that you have the full meaning before you reply. The end of their communication may change the message you were expecting to hear.

3. Focus on listening and don’t allow your mind to wander. If the subject is boring to you or you have heard it before, there can be a tendency to start wondering what you are going to have for dinner! Try and keep yourself focused on the conversation, it will pay off in the end.

4. Use body language and ‘listening words’ to show that they have your attention. Along with the eye contact, nod occasionally to show you are paying attention. Also using small words to show you are interested such as ‘yes’, ‘ok’ can help to make your partner feel they are being heard and will encourage them to trust that they can talk to you.

5. As well as listening to the words being spoken, pay attention to both body language and tone. These help give us a complete message and interpret what is being said more accurately. This is one of the reasons it is important to not have distractions and stop other tasks.

If your partner is saying that they are happy and everything is fine but they have tears in their eyes or are fisting their hands, then there is a good chance the words are not entirely accurate and you can explore this further with them.

6. Don’t allow your emotions to overtake the conversation. Try and listen objectively to what is being said without putting your own spin on it. It can be hard in a relationship, particularly when your partner is saying something negative, to keep your emotions in check so you can fully understand what they are saying.

 This is not to say you can’t feel emotions around the subject, but trying to focus on the communication and get a clear message is difficult to do when you become absorbed in the emotions.

7. Empathise. Many couples struggle with this step. There is a tendency to try and fix, deflect or explain in response to a message given by our partner. This usually results in your partner feeling like they were not really heard or that you don’t care how they feel.

You don’t have to agree with them, but letting them know you accept what they have said, and possibly even understand how they might be feeling can go a very long way in keeping a conversation on track and effective.

Empathising does not mean you necessarily agree. It shows you have heard what they are saying and accept that it is real and meaningful to them.

8. Once they have finished speaking, check that you have understood the message they are trying to convey. Checking this out by repeating back to them in your own words, is a good way to make sure you have heard correctly.

Many couples get the wrong message and respond inappropriately because of this. Checking out eliminates this common problem and gives you the opportunity to respond correctly.

9. Respond to the message. Make sure you stay on topic and address the issue they have raised rather than providing an issue of your own.

Learning to listen effectively and give your partner empathy can be one of the hardest things to learn, especially when you feel you are being given a negative about yourself. Mastering this skill though can mean the difference between a mutually satisfying relationship and a conflict riddled relationship.

The typical family unit today is not always comprised of the parents and biological children but often represents a mix of divorced parents with their own children, living some time in each home with their birth parents. One of the toughest challenges these families face is blending the family unit successfully.

Typically, a couple meet, fall in love and expect that their children will move into that relationship with good feelings and adapt to the new family unit quite quickly. What is often forgotten, is that while the adults have strong feelings for each other, to the children, this can not only be tough but also mean the end of their secret hopes that their parents may get back together.

I work with many couples who are trying to fix problems in their relationship that have come about because of the problems they have faced trying to integrate this new family unit. It can place enormous pressure on the romantic relationship and in some cases can lead to differences that are insurmountable.

Guidelines for Help Blending a Family Successfully

There are some guidelines for helping blend a family successfully and if these are followed from the start, the couple have a much greater chance of holding onto their own healthy relationship as well as creating a safe, accepting place for their children. Read More

Couples often avoid seeking help for their relationship until they feel they have tried everything themselves to fix the problems they are experiencing in their marriage. Often it will be at the point when they are considering separation as a viable alternative and marriage counselling is their last option.

While relationships can still be repaired at this stage, it is much easier to work with a relationship when both partners are aware that there are issues but still really want the relationship rather than considering separation. Read More

Anger is a valid emotion that we all feel from time to time. How we express that anger can determine if it is healthy and if we get what we want from it. Many people express their anger in such a negative way, that it damages friendships, relationships and careers. In order to have a healthy relationship, it is important to recognise how you express your anger and make sure it is not damaging your relationship.

Underneath anger is hurt, frustration or fear. This is the real emotion and anger is a way of expressing this emotion. Learning to identify the emotion underlying the anger and then expressing it in an appropriate way, helps you to get what you need from that emotion rather than having people running for cover or returning fire. Read More