Do You Really Hear Your Partner?
One of the biggest benefits of marriage counselling is having someone help you truly hear each other, not just the words spoken, but the meaning behind them.
Because in relationships, it’s incredibly common to misinterpret what your partner is actually trying to say.
Let me explain.
We Hear Through a Filter
We all hear the words our partner says. But we also interpret their tone, body language, and importantly we layer on our own expectations and emotions. What we think we heard is often shaped by our past experiences and emotional state in the moment.
Sometimes, we get it right.
But many times, we don’t.
A Simple Example
Let’s meet imaginary Angela.
When Angela chats with a work colleague, there’s no emotional baggage. No assumptions. No expectation of judgment.
Work colleague: “You look a bit tired.”
Angela: “Yeah, I had a busy weekend. How was yours?”
No drama. Clear message received.
But now let’s look at Angela’s interaction with her partner of eight years, Rob. They’ve got two kids, busy jobs, and not a lot of time for each other. They get along most of the time, but don’t actively nurture the relationship.
Rob: “You look a bit tired.”
Angela: “Oh, so now I look old? I had the kids all weekend while you were off at the footy. Of course I’m tired. Maybe if you helped more…”
Sound familiar?
What started as an innocent comment turned into an argument. Rob was simply trying to acknowledge how busy Angela had been. But Angela heard criticism based on her own exhaustion, frustrations, and assumptions about how Rob sees her.
This Happens All the Time
In a counselling session, I’d pause the conversation and ask:
Me: “Angela, what did you hear Rob say?”
Angela: “He was having a go at me for looking worn out. Like I’m not trying hard enough to look good.”
Me to Rob: “Is that what you meant?”
Rob: “Not at all! I know she’s had a big week. I love how she looks. I was going to offer to get dinner to help out.”
This sort of dynamic is incredibly common. Over time, these small misunderstandings build resentment and disconnect. The more it happens, the more each partner retreats or reacts.
Rob may stop making comments altogether to avoid conflict. Angela may feel ignored and unloved. Both begin to assume negative intentions. This erodes connection.
How to Break the Pattern
A really simple starting point? Check what you heard.
Before reacting to something that felt hurtful, ask for clarity.
Rob: “You look tired.”
Angela: “Are you saying I look old or worn out?”
Rob: “No! I just meant you’ve had a huge day, I was thinking of ordering dinner.”
Most of the time, your partner isn’t trying to be mean. We just hear their words through a negative filter.
Want Better Communication?
If this sounds like your relationship, don’t wait for things to blow up. This kind of miscommunication is fixable but it takes awareness and effort.
Start with curiosity. Pause before reacting. Reflect back what you think you heard. And above all, remember that a healthy relationship is built on understanding, not assumptions.
Need more help with this? You might also like this article:
Logic Warfare
As always, here if you need.
Be kind to you.
Sharon Chapman
Affinity Counselling – Hills District