How to Survive Infidelity in Your Relationship
By Sharon Chapman | Couples Counsellor | Affinity Counselling, Hills District NSW
Discovering that your partner has had an affair is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. It shakes the foundation of trust, safety, and connection and leaves couples wondering if their relationship can survive.
But here’s the good news: many relationships do recover from infidelity. With the right approach, a commitment from both people, and often some professional support, couples can not only heal but rebuild something stronger than before.
Whether you’re the one who strayed or the one who’s hurting, this guide will walk you through some of the most important steps for moving forward.
First, Know This: It’s Not Just About the Affair
Infidelity is rarely just about the third person. In almost every case, the affair happened in the context of a relationship that had already started to drift emotionally, physically, or otherwise.
This doesn’t mean the betrayed partner is at fault, not at all. The choice to cheat is always a personal one. But healing starts when both people take a look at the relationship itself and ask, What was missing? What needs to be rebuilt?
It’s confronting, but it’s also empowering because it gives you both something to work with.
For the Partner Who Had the Affair
1. End All Contact (If Possible)
Cut ties completely with the third party. That means no private messages, casual catchups, or “just friends” contact. If you work together or are in the same social circles, keep communication strictly professional and tell your partner about any unavoidable contact. You both need to agree on what this will look like to start with.
2. Be Completely Transparent
Rebuilding trust means being an open book. Share your texts, social media, emails, not because you’re being punished, but because your partner needs reassurance. This doesn’t mean they’ll check forever, but for now, they need to feel safe again. Rebuilding trust takes time and is a process.
3. Be Honest About What Happened
It can be tempting to protect your partner from the details, but hiding the truth usually does more damage than good. Be honest, answer their questions, and don’t withhold important information. If you don’t share the facts, your partner will likely imagine worse.
4. Show Empathy
Your partner is hurting. Deeply. Expect tears, anger, and confusion. In any order, at any time. Try not to defend your actions. Instead, listen and validate their feelings. Reassure them, again and again, that the affair is over and your focus is now on them.
5. Take Full Responsibility
Whatever the circumstances, the affair was your choice. Take ownership. Acknowledge the pain it caused and apologise sincerely. That honesty is the beginning of real healing.
6. Don’t Rush the Process
You may be ready to move on, but your partner might still be stuck in the hurt. That’s normal. Pushing them to “get over it” only makes them feel unseen. Give them time. Let healing happen at their pace, not yours.
For the Betrayed Partner
1. Understand That the Relationship Wasn’t in a Healthy Place
This doesn’t mean you caused the affair. But recognising that the relationship wasn’t as strong as it could have been helps you see what can be improved and what boundaries to protect in the future. There is no blame at all here, just an acceptance that the relationship can be strengthened.
2. Try to Listen Without Attacking
When you ask questions, try to listen openly. If your partner feels safe being honest, you’ll get the clarity you need. If emotions run high, pause and return to the conversation later. Avoid name-calling or character attacks this pushes your partner away and makes healing harder.
3. Be Careful Who You Tell
You may want to tell everyone, or you may want to tell no one. Try to find a middle ground. Confide in one or two trusted, non-judgemental people for support. Avoid venting to everyone you know as it can damage friendships, make social situations harder, and may come back to affect your partner (and the relationship) in ways you didn’t expect. If you choose to stay in the relationship it can be hard if people have an opinion on this. Consider how you share and share with people who will support you.
4. Don’t Let the Affair Take Over Your Whole Life
It’s important to process the betrayal, but you also need to stay connected to other parts of your life. Make time for supportive friends, hobbies, and positive moments. Healing doesn’t happen all at once but you’ll get there one step at a time. Life still continues even though it may feel like this is all you can think about or see. Self care is very important here.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries for Discussing It
It’s natural to have questions. But constantly bringing up the affair can wear your partner down. Try to set aside dedicated times to talk and create space for conversations about other parts of life too. Your relationship needs to be more than just the betrayal. At the start of healing, this might be the only conversation. As time goes on, it needs to be part of the conversations you need to have but not the only one.
6. Ask for What You Need Without Becoming the “Investigator”
If you need to see messages or emails, ask. But avoid falling into obsessive checking. Constant surveillance creates new problems and won’t help rebuild trust. Instead, let your partner prove their transparency while you practice voicing your needs clearly.
Is There Hope After Infidelity?
Absolutely. Many couples who come to Affinity Counselling after an affair are hurt and overwhelmed but also deeply committed to rebuilding their relationship.
With the right tools, time, and a willingness to work together, it is absolutely possible to come out the other side stronger.
You don’t have to figure it all out alone. I’m here to support you both without judgement and guide you toward real healing.
Call me on 0468 950 420 or book an appointment online to see if couples counselling is right for you.
As always, here if you need.
Couples therapy – Hills District