The simple answer is, “Yes”! The more complex answer is, “Most people love their kids and enjoy some aspects of parenting”.

Mums and Dads both provide an important role in the family. But many Mums will struggle with both finding balance and looking after themselves and the pretty standard “Mum guilt”. The reality is, Mums more and more seem to be struggling with who they are meant to be these days.

One of the worst parts of this is that we don’t talk about how we really feel. Mums are supposed to “feel lucky” and love every aspect of parenting. Or so we tell ourselves.

Go back a couple of generations and we observe that Mums and Dads had very clearly defined roles. Dads were largely responsible for earning the money and Mums were responsible for keeping the home and children in order. Whilst women may have not been entirely happy with this role, they at least knew who they were meant to be. They had a clearly defined job description to follow, as did men. Easier to do your job when you have a clearly defined role to guide you.

Fast forward today and women are now supposed to be career women, full-time mothers, part-time workers and everything in between. No longer is the job of being a woman clearly defined and whatever path you choose, there is either judgement, often self-judgement or guilt associated with the role. Mums often find themselves stuck in the middle of these roles and are deeply unhappy but can see no path out of the life they have found themselves in.

We don’t want to go back a couple of generations, but we do need to find a way to be who we are and accept our choices around parenting as valid. And that might mean being honest about not enjoying being a Mum!

Naturally there are restrictions on which roles Mums can choose from due to financial constraints, age of children and lifestyle choices. Sometimes Mums want to stay at home and be full-time Mums but can’t due to financial needs. Sometimes Mums want to work a full-time job and can’t due to babysitting requirements. Often there is not much that can be done to alter these circumstances and we need to find a way to work within the choices available and still find a happy balance.

I can’t tell you how often I have met a couple in couples counselling and as they tell me that they are really fortunate that Dad works and Mum is “really lucky” and gets to stay home to raise the kids. And while this might be a fortunate financial position to be able to make this choice, when I watch Mum, I don’t see someone who seems to feel “really lucky”.

What I often see, is a woman who feels like she should be feeling really lucky, isn’t even feeling happy about her role and then feels really guilty for not feeling lucky! When I bring this into focus, Dad usually looks shocked and sad (men don’t want their partners to feel unhappy) and Mum usually looks like a huge weight has been lifted that she can finally be honest and validated for not loving the stay at home mum role.

What do we do then to stay happy and raise our kids?

Balance. That is really what it is all about for women to find a life that is content if not happy during the childhood years. And the key to this balance is to be selfish. Yes, that’s right, Mums often need to learn how to be selfish in order to find a happy balance.

Every Mum I have spoken to in my counselling room has stated that they aren’t living the life for themselves they would choose. Maybe they can’t work as much as they like, go out with friends, play sports, essentially make choices for themselves because they need to put family first. Mums take on the role that is there and fulfil it with little thought to their own needs. Over time, Mums slowly find that they are not enjoying being a Mum as much as they thought they should and often feel like they have lost sight of who they are. Mums often lose their identity and their self-esteem is impacted. And on top of that, is the guilt of not enjoying the parenting role.

If Mum isn’t happy, then this will flow through to many areas in the family unit whether we like it or not. It is crucial that parents retain their identity whilst parenting and find a role that either provides happiness or at the very least, contentment.

The first thing I want to remind every Mum of is that it is ok to not enjoy parenting!! You still love your child. You are still a good Mum. I’m a Mum. My kids are mostly adults now and there were parts of parenting that I really didn’t like. My adult kids think I’m awesome (mostly!) and we have a great relationship. I was still a good Mum when I didn’t enjoy it. I also looked after myself so I could be the best version of Mum me I could be. Mum guilt doesn’t fix anything.

It is a really hard, challenging, rewarding, crazy, exhausting role. There are amazing parts of course and so much love but it is at times physically and mentally challenging and can be really lonely and boring too. And it is ok to feel this, to know this, to say this. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids; it just means you are an adult that requires different stimulation than what full time parenting provides.

The first step is to be honest with yourself and work out what makes you happy. The second step is to find small ways to achieve these things. Keeping in mind that it is all about balance. Maybe working two days a week is enough to fulfil the need you have to feel mentally stimulated and have the social interaction with other people. Maybe playing a sport one night a week is enough for you to feel that you are still retaining a part of you. There is no set answer, there is only what works for you the individual and whatever it is, it is ok!!

Your kids, your partner, your family, they will all benefit when you find a life that offers you enough to still be you. You are a person, you matter. Try and be a little bit selfish and watch your family thrive of the real you.

Being a Mum doesn’t mean you stop being a woman. Work out what you need as a woman and try and meet that as best you can with the choices that are available to you. And stop the Mum guilt! Live life how you would like your adult kids to live theirs one day. Be a great model of how to be a Mum and the person you are.

Here if you need.