When Anger Becomes the Default: How It Impacts You and Your Relationships
Lately, I’ve been noticing an increase in counselling sessions where anger is playing a central role. It shows up in many forms, frustration, snapping, yelling, silent treatment and it’s affecting individuals, couples, and families.
Anger, in itself, isn’t the problem. It’s a valid emotion. We all feel it at times, and it does have a place. But the way we use anger, especially in relationships, can often cause more harm than good. In couples therapy, I see how easily anger can become the default response, even when it’s not what we truly feel underneath.
Why Do We Use Anger to Express Ourselves?
Most of the time, anger isn’t the real emotion we’re trying to express. It’s a surface reaction, a protective layer we use to cover something more vulnerable. We might be feeling:
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Hurt
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Fear
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Disappointment
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Shame
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Frustration
But instead of saying, “That hurt me,” or “I feel scared,” it can come out as a sharp comment, a slammed door, or a raised voice. Anger becomes a habit something many of us learned young. It might have been modelled by a parent, or maybe it was how we felt safe or got attention.
The Problem with Anger
The problem is, anger usually backfires. Instead of helping us get our needs met, it tends to push people away. We end up feeling worse, not better. It’s easy to be labelled as “difficult” or “the angry one” even when you’re not the problem at all.
In couples therapy, I often see one partner who uses anger to communicate and another who shuts down or retreats. Over time, this erodes connection and trust. The angry partner often feels misunderstood and unheard. The other partner feels hurt and confused.
Anger in Relationships and Parenting
If you use anger a lot in your relationship, you may find it hard to be truly heard. You might feel like you’re constantly fighting to be understood but nothing changes. Sadly, repeated anger can start to damage the very relationship you want to protect.
The same is true in parenting. Anger might seem to work in the short term, kids fall into line, things quiet down but it doesn’t create real respect. It often creates fear. As kids get older, they stop listening, stop trusting, and start shutting off emotionally.
Long term, using anger as a parenting tool doesn’t work. It often leads to disconnection, resentment, and emotional distance and it’s exhausting for everyone involved.
There’s a Better Way
If anger is your go-to tool, it might be time to try something different. You don’t have to lose your voice or your strength, you just need new tools to communicate what’s really going on underneath.
In couples therapy, one of the most powerful shifts is learning to replace anger with more vulnerable, honest communication. When you express fear, sadness, or hurt, instead of hiding it behind anger you’re far more likely to be heard and understood.
Your relationships can improve. Your parenting can feel more connected. And most importantly, you can start to feel more in control, not just safe but actually happy.
You deserve better than anger. Let’s talk about what that could look like.
As always, here if you need.
Couples therapy – Hills District Sydney