Low self-esteem has a massive impact on many parts of the individual’s life. From jobs, friends, hobbies right through to impacting the romantic relationship and how healthy the communication is.

In this article, I want to highlight one of the most common problems in relationships and communication that is impacted by low self-esteem. This is probably something I speak about every day in couples counselling sessions.

This communication problem is common in relationships but is multiplied by low self-esteem.

What am I talking about?

Hearing a negative message when there wasn’t one. Huge problem!

Have you ever found yourself talking to your partner (or possibly a relative or friend) and found that they react badly to what you are saying even though you didn’t mean anything negative? You’re not alone. This is very common.

You then find yourself backtracking, trying to explain that you didn’t mean whatever it was they were thinking. Sometimes you might see that they react badly, but they say nothing and then you are not being spoken to or you feel you are “in trouble” and have no idea why.

We have all had these interactions. They aren’t fun and we are often left feeling frustrated trying to explain ourselves.

At times this can be such a common issue that couples just stop talking about anything other than functional things they have to talk about, just to ensure that they don’t fight.

I’ll give you some examples:

Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner, have you finished getting ready?”

Cecilia: “Yes, what’s wrong with this? I had to get the kids sorted while you just sat there, I’ve been running around all day, I didn’t get time to wash my hair”.

Dan: “Um, ok, I wasn’t having a go at you”.

Cecilia: “Yes you were, whatever I wear is never good enough for you, why don’t you go get yourself a younger partner if I’m not good enough”.

Dan: “I wasn’t saying you aren’t good enough, you look really nice, I just wanted to use the bathroom and wanted to see if you had finished.”

Cecilia: “No you didn’t. I know I’ve put on weight, but you try having a couple of kids and see how you look after. I’ve got nothing that fits properly.”

And from here, it either deteriorates and they go out not talking to each other (ever met that couple for dinner when they walk in with that awful energy??), or maybe they don’t go out. Maybe it escalates to a big fight.

Exploring this dialogue, and this is what I do with couples every day, let’s take it apart and see what Dan was really saying and how Cecelia heard what she did.

Dan was simply asking if Cecelia was ready to go because he was being a gentleman and wanted her to finish up with the bathroom before he dived in and took over. It only takes him a few minutes to get ready, he doesn’t put too much effort in. He also wasn’t sure of the dress code for the night so asked her if that was the outfit she was wearing so he knew what to wear. Was it casual, could he get away with his favourite shirt is what he was really thinking?

Totally innocent, nothing mean there, in fact a genuine act of kindness in making sure he wasn’t taking the bathroom before she was finished.

Then what happened that Cecilia heard such an attack?

Cecilia has had 2 children and is unhappy with how she looks at the moment. She feels like she is overweight and hasn’t put much effort into her appearance lately as she is busy being Mum. Usually doesn’t matter much but when she dresses to go out with friends and finds it hard to find clothing that fits how she wants, she is really sensitive about how she looks. She doesn’t tell Dan this though.

They are meeting another couple for dinner, and they don’t have kids so she knows the other woman will look great (in her view anyway).

What she hears from Dan when he asks if she is wearing what she has on is that she looks awful. When he asks if she has finished getting ready, she hears that she hasn’t done enough to look good.

Cecelia feels awful within herself. Dan just sees his wife that he loves.

Cecelia feels unattractive. Dan has always thought she was beautiful (he probably doesn’t tell her this often these days though).

Cecelia is embarrassed of how she looks, she was fit before kids. Dan doesn’t notice the weight she sees, she is the Mum of his kids, that is attractive.

If Cecelia had been confident about how she looked, even with baby weight, then the response may have looked like this.

Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner, have you finished getting ready?”

Cecelia: “Yes Babe, I’m done, bathroom is all yours. And no, you can’t wear that ratty old shirt you are hoping to wear”!

How simple is that?

When we have doubts about ourselves, our self-esteem is impacted. The impact of low self-esteem on relationships can look like these minor interactions but over time, these add up and cause major problems.

Low self-esteem with communication is like putting a filter against your ear and hearing whatever gets put out at the end of running through that negative filter. It can cause major relationship problems.

Think about your relationship now. Is this you and your partner? What role are you playing? Do you need to do some work on improving your self-esteem or does your partner need to address theirs?

As simple as this seems, relationship counselling is often a good place to help unravel these issues and then do some individual work for each of you to make the changes needed to create healthy communication and have a healthy relationship.

This is one small sample of self-esteem, communication and relationships.

To learn more about self-esteem issues, checkout this article, Self-esteem and Healthy Relationships.

Here if you need.

Sharon Chapman