Low self-esteem can affect so many parts of life work, friendships, hobbies and often shows up in romantic relationships, especially in how we communicate.
In this article, I want to highlight one of the most common communication problems I see in couples counselling and it’s amplified when low self-esteem is present.
So, what is this common problem?
Hearing a negative message… when there wasn’t one.
This is a big issue.
Have you ever found yourself talking to your partner, only for them to react badly to something you didn’t mean negatively? You’re not alone this happens a lot.
You might find yourself backtracking, trying to explain your words. Or maybe your partner goes quiet, and you suddenly feel like you’re in trouble with no idea why.
It’s frustrating. And over time, it can push couples into only having surface-level, functional conversations just to avoid conflict.
Let me give you an example.
Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner? Have you finished getting ready?”
Cecilia: “Yes, what’s wrong with this? I had to get the kids sorted while you just sat there. I didn’t even get time to wash my hair.”
Dan: “Um, I wasn’t having a go at you…”
Cecilia: “Yes, you were. Nothing I wear is ever good enough for you. Maybe you’d prefer someone younger if I’m not good enough.”
Dan: “That’s not what I meant. You look great. I just wanted to use the bathroom and wasn’t sure if you were done.”
Cecilia: “I know I’ve put on weight. Try having two kids and see how you look.”
And just like that, the energy for the night is gone. Maybe they still go out silently. Maybe it turns into a bigger fight. Either way, it doesn’t feel good.
Let’s break this down, just like I would with a couple in session.
Dan simply wanted to know if Cecelia was finished so he could get ready a practical question. He was also trying to gauge the dress code. Casual? Could he get away with his usual go-to shirt?
His comment wasn’t an insult. In fact, it was thoughtful in its intent.
But here’s where low self-esteem gets involved.
Cecilia has had two children and isn’t happy with how she looks. She feels uncomfortable in her body and under pressure to look good when going out. She’s comparing herself to others, especially a friend they’re meeting who doesn’t have kids. That insecurity colours how she hears Dan’s words.
What Dan says:
“Are you ready?”
What Cecilia hears:
“You look awful.”
She’s embarrassed, self-conscious, and convinced he’s judging her when really, Dan just sees the woman he loves.
If Cecilia had felt confident and secure in herself, the conversation could have gone more like this:
Dan: “Are you going to wear that out to dinner? Have you finished getting ready?”
Cecilia: “Yep, all yours. And no, you’re not wearing that ratty old shirt you love!”
See how different that feels?
How Low Self-Esteem Filters Communication
Low self-esteem works like a negative filter. You hear your partner’s words, but they get distorted before they land. This can happen over and over, and slowly erode the relationship.
Ask yourself:
-
Do I mishear my partner’s intentions?
-
Do I often feel criticised even when no harm was meant?
-
Does my partner feel like they’re always explaining themselves?
These could be signs that low self-esteem is impacting how you communicate.
What Can Help?
Couples counselling is a great space to explore these patterns. Often, we also identify where individual work on self-esteem is needed. Healthy communication starts with a healthy relationship with yourself.
This is just one small snapshot of how self-esteem and communication interact in a relationship. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and change is possible.
Want to explore your own relationship dynamics?
Or want to learn more about this topic? Read:
Self-Esteem and Healthy Relationships
As always, here if you need.
Sharon Chapman
Affinity Counselling