communication | Affinity Counselling

1Mar, 2023

Let’s Talk About Anger

I am seeing an increase in counselling sessions of anger in various forms. Anger and how it is expressed can be very damaging to the individual, couples and families. Anger has a place and is a valid feeling and expression of emotion, BUT, it is very rarely used effectively.

Why then do people use anger to express their needs?

Typically, we use anger to express a different emotion. Anger is the surface level expression that we use to show a more vulnerable emotion. We use anger when we are scared, we use it when we are hurt and we use it when we are frustrated.

Often, we have learnt this somewhat safe expression of our feelings at a young age. It may have been demonstrated to us by parents or guardians or maybe we used it to stay safe and feel heard. Sometimes we just don’t know how to identify what we are feeling and anger is a safe way of expressing ourselves.

The problem with anger is that we can do damage and very rarely get heard or get our needs met. In fact, usually we get labelled as a problem. Even if we are not the problem.

Anger is one of the most damaging expressions of emotion in a relationship and in parenting. Often, the person using anger is a lovely person. But the anger masks that and people only see the anger, not the human hurting underneath.

If you use anger in life, then chances are it isn’t making you friends and doesn’t make you feel happy. Safe, not vulnerable maybe but not happy.

If you use anger in a relationship then you will probably not feel heard and often, be labelled as the problem. You may in fact erode your relationship using anger too often.

If you use anger parenting then you are not creating healthy mechanisms in your kids for them later in life. You probably feel like you have control but as your kids get older, you will realise that anger doesn’t create respect. It can create fear and disrespect. Anger eventually makes parenting really hard and probably doesn’t work long term.

If you use anger as a tool, then maybe it is time to learn how to use something more effective to get your needs met. Save the anger for genuine danger when you genuinely need to stay safe.

Don’t keep anger in your toolbox of communication.

Sharon Chapman

Affinity Counselling

8Jun, 2021

A Little Bit About Anger

All of us feel anger at times. It is a valid emotion and can be either helpful or destructive depending on how we express it.

In our relationships, romantic, family, friendships and work, we will naturally at times feel anger. How we deal with this emotion and show it, largely dictates whether we get our needs met and indeed if we get to maintain healthy relationships.

People who express anger poorly, will likely struggle to maintain healthy relationships throughout life. They may also have physical health issues as the mental state of anger can have a physiological impact on the body.

In addition, some people who have issues with anger, will also turn to various crutches to help them feel better. Things like drugs, alcohol, gambling and sex are some of the things that might be used.

Anger is valid. We are raised to believe that we shouldn’t express anger. The problem with this is that we are hardwired to feel this emotion and so we need to learn as children, how to understand this emotion and how to use it for our benefit and ensure we don’t hurt those around us.

As parents, we need to teach our kids that it is alright to feel anger. Then we need to teach them how to understand what it is about, why they feel angry. From there we show them the skills in expressing this emotion in a healthy way.

For many of us, parents either didn’t see anger as valid and so children learnt to suppress it. Or, perhaps they demonstrated a poor expression of anger. They let anger overwhelm them, take charge and become destructive. This model is then what many children rely on in life to express their feelings of anger.

I have met people who were raised with the idea that anger is a positive expression of emotion and to use it in a destructive way, is powerful. To learn to show anger in a calm manner, is perceived as weak. We go into our adult life with the tools we have been given, including how we view anger.

We aren’t in control of what we have learnt as children in how to process and express our emotions. But as adults, we have complete control and choices. If you recognise that your anger may be having a negative impact on your life and relationships, or a partner or friend perhaps has identified this, then it’s time to take control.

What are some signs of unhealthy anger?

These are a few things that you may notice:

Constantly criticising people and things
Flying off the handle over small things
Feeling out of control with your emotions
Jumping to negative conclusions that are incorrect
Having a low tolerance to minor frustrations
Unable to take criticism
Being angry at friends or family for perceived criticisms
Road rage
Physical violence
Yelling or screaming to communicate
Name calling or swearing in conflict communication
Refusing to take responsibility for any negatives

I often work with couples who identify issues of anger in their relationships. It can destroy an otherwise good relationship. As individuals, we need to learn to tune into our emotions, identify what we are feeling and why, and then find a positive way to either express or manage it.

Some simple strategies to start with are:

Walk away if you can and calm yourself.
Accept that it is ok to feel that way.
Try and identify what you are feeling that caused the anger. Do you feel hurt, frustrated?
Release the anger if you need to through physical exercise. Running, punching a punching bag (a pillow will do if you are stuck), get stuck into cleaning or yard work, call a friend. Anything that will help get rid of those feelings and get the brain rational again.
Find a way to express what you are feeling in a positive way if you need to express your feelings. Sometimes when we take the time to think about it, we may not need to talk about what made us angry to start with.

These techniques may help you to start taking control of your emotions. Being aware and understanding yourself is the first step to taking control and making change.

If you get stuck then reach out for help. You can learn to take control. It is something we often need help with to learn to understand why we react like this and how to make the changes to express anger in a positive way.

Regards

Sharon.

12May, 2021

7 Traits that promote a healthy relationship

I often write about common problems within a relationship and how to solve these. In this article, I am going to give a brief overview on what positive traits I see in individuals which may help with a long-term healthy relationship.

There are obviously many aspects of a relationship that can help keep it healthy. After working with hundreds of couples over the years, these are seven things I regularly see in healthy relationships.

Kindness – if you and your partner are naturally kind, then that will come through in your relationship. Think about people you know, friends, family, work colleagues. Now you may like a lot of these people, but which of them would you label as ‘kind’?

We can all be kind at times, but there are those people who are naturally kind most of the time. Doesn’t make them perfect, just kind. When we talk about kind, we are referring to someone who is gentle, caring and helpful. We can all be kind at times, but are we kind most of the time?

When I meet couples where both people are kind, or kind a lot of the time, I see how easily they can work together. Kindness allows them to listen more easily to problems. It means they want to try and please their partner more. It means they are more naturally inclined to try and make their partner happy according to their partner’s needs.

Kindness is a big indicator to me that a relationship can work well over the longer term. It is not something that can generally be taught but we can certainly practice this skill.

Accommodating – this is probably in a similar vein to kindness but what I mean by this is that we naturally allow for both our partners needs and faults. Couples who are accommodating will promote their partner doing things for themselves. Things like going out with their friends or enjoying their hobbies.

They will also be more accepting of faults and minor differences. This is really important in a relationship. ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ is a perfect saying in a relationship and can go a long way in helping to keep a relationship healthy.

We can accommodate both our partners needs and faults in a relationship which helps to keep it running smoothly.

We can learn to be more accommodating in our relationships if we choose to work at this.

Good Communication – many people think they are great communicators, but being able to talk and being an effective communicator are two different things. Good communication includes having the ability to not only listen, but to understand the message being sent. This involves watching facial expressions, body language, listening to tone and then putting it all together.

This alone is a skill in itself and many people will believe that they listen well. Often, they are forming their response, or, imagining they know where the conversation is going. Listening with both open ears and an open mind is important. Having this skill helps couples to manage differences and needs within the relationship effectively.

Couples that feel really ‘heard’ by their partner will feel verbal and often emotional intimacy in their relationship. Having these forms of intimacy is vital to individual happiness of each partner and therefore the success of the relationship.

Communication is most definitely a learnt skill. It can be learnt at any age so if you don’t have this, you can start learning today.

Healthy Conflict- Every relationship is going to have some differences. How we navigate these can have a huge impact on the health of the relationship. Couples who don’t resolve issues or who hurt each other in the process with unkind words or gestures, will slowly erode their relationship. An otherwise happy relationship with a lot of love can be eroded over time with poor conflict skills.

Couples who find a way to talk of differences and find solutions together will be able to navigate life as it happens. This is particularly important if you have different ideas on important subjects, or when kids arrive into your life.

Conflict skills can be learnt at any age but usually require some assistance from an outside source. Couples may know they don’t do conflict well but it can often be difficult to identify where it is going wrong without some assistance.

Self-awareness – this is the ability to look within ourselves and see our feelings, thoughts and reasons for our behaviours. Typically, being able to do this means we can reflect and see our positive qualities as well as our not so great traits. Being able to do this means we can own our part in a relationship that may be part of a problem and need change.

When I work with people who have little self-awareness, they are very good at having reasons for their behaviours or excuses for themselves. Take a moment to think of people in your life who you have raised a negative with (in a healthy way). Do they accept what you are saying? Did they offer an apology or some empathy? Do they offer to make a change? If they do any of these things then chances are they have good self-awareness.

If on the other hand, they offer you excuses, try and move the blame, or even perhaps paint themselves as the victim, then it is unlikely that they have a good level of self-awareness.

Of course, there are other reasons why people back away from a negative and it isn’t always because they have little self-awareness. But this can be an indicator.

Self-awareness is vital to make change. We need to recognise what we need to change before we can change it. Self-awareness can be learnt so if this is you, don’t despair, you can learn yourself on a different level if you want to.

Empathy – this is being able to put yourself in your partners shoes and try and
imagine what it might feel like. I see empathy as the bridge between couples when they have different needs or different ideas around life. Without empathy, we can’t have emotional intimacy in our relationship.

Having empathy allows us to try and understand our partners point of view and accept it as valid, even if it is different from ours. Having empathy doesn’t mean we are wrong, it just means we can see how might feel differently for them and respond accordingly.

Couples will have different needs. Being able to listen to your partner with empathy and then use this to try and meet their needs, means you are able to play a large role in making your partner happy within the relationship.

Empathy is not in itself a learnt skill but learning to show it is definitely a skill we can learn and it will benefit your relationship in a big way.

Good self-esteem – rather, we need ‘good enough’ self-esteem. I have listed this last, but really it is the pre cursor for all of the above. Self-esteem is a driver of many of our personal behaviours and thoughts, how we manage a relationship is largely impacted by this also.

Couples who both have healthy self-esteem are better able to have good communication, have healthy conflict, be more accommodating of each other, be kind, show empathy and have self-awareness. All of these things are present in a healthy relationship and they can all be impacted by self-esteem.

If we have a healthy view of ourselves, we are able to be our authentic selves and allow others to be their true selves also. We can embrace the differences in our partners and see them as positives rather than risk factors to the relationship.

Self-esteem can be repaired if it has been damaged. It takes work but it well worth the effort.

Relationships that have these seven factors, or most of these, stand a really great chance of being happy, healthy relationships through all of life’s challenges. If you want a long term happy relationship, take some time now to reflect on where your relationship is strong and where it may benefit from some attention.

If you need help making your relationship healthy, Book a session now to start creating a better relationship.

16Feb, 2021

Parenting Teens Effectively

Parenting today is incredibly challenging and as parents, we can no longer use the template of how we were parented, to help us navigate this role.

Gone are the days of authoritarian parenting for teens. Teens today have access to more information than we ever had and so, have more power than we ever did. As much as we would like to believe we can still dictate the rules, it often just isn’t effective.

I am a parent to 4 children and I know how easy it would be to parent as my parents did. I’d really like to be able to parent like that. I also see as a Counsellor of many teens, that this way of parenting simply isn’t effective. The reality is, we can parent how we want to or we can parent effectively. As parents, we need to look at what is happening with our kids and find a way to navigate it safely with them.

Absolutely we still need rules and discipline. But how we apply these rules needs to be different. I am considered by my kid’s friends as being very strict. But I am also seen as the person they can all safely talk to and not be judged.

My kids too talk to me openly because they feel safe to do that. I won’t judge, yell or lose my head. I listen and work with them. Because they can talk openly to me and they feel respected, they also respect me which allows me to have strict rules and they choose to follow them.

My best advice to parents today is when your kids tell you something negative, don’t react. They are watching for you to react and if you do, they close down and you won’t get much more out of them. How then do you keep them safe and apply your rules when you don’t know what is happening?

Probably easiest to explain this in an example.

Suppose your daughter who is 15, has a party on the weekend that will have alcohol at it. A lot of the kids at this age are already seasoned drinkers.

If she has a safe relationship with you and feels that she can talk openly, not be in trouble and that you will try and help her navigate life rather than ban her from it, she will tell you the truth. You, as the adult then can explore how safe this particular party is for her and make a safe decision for your child. You can have a conversation with her and ask questions to help you decide the best course. Who is going? Who is supervising? Will the parents be there? Are they parenting on the same page as you or are they trying to be the popular parent and provide alcohol? How well does your daughter fit into this group? Will she be ridiculed if she doesn’t drink? Do you want her to have a drink to fit in? Do you want her to not drink but she needs a good excuse to counter the peer group pressure? She will talk openly about this stuff with you and together you can come up with a plan. It becomes collaborative parenting with your child which is effective.

Sometimes you might decide that this particular party isn’t safe and tell her she can’t attend, explaining why so she learns and doesn’t feel dictated to. Sometimes you might decide that the party isn’t dangerous, you don’t like the alcohol there but know she needs to fit in or life is too hard socially at school. You come up with a plan that she will go and she will hold a drink so everyone thinks she is drinking, she fits in, the pushing from her peers will stop. You have a code word that she can text you at any time if she needs you to call her. The result is, she trusts you to be open, you can keep her safe, she still fits in (which is really important at this age in particular), she feels protected by you and you can trust that she will come to you with problems.

You are able to say no to other parties because she trusts you to help her, not stop her.

Now imagine you have an authoritarian parenting relationship. Your daughter asks you if she can go to the party. You ask if there is alcohol there, and if she really wants to go, chances are she will lie. You now have no idea of the situation your daughter will be in, you presume she is safe but if something goes wrong there, she can’t call on you. Your 15-year-old daughter is now navigating an adult world on her own.

Whilst as parents we want to be able to parent and set the rules how we want, it isn’t always effective. Building a collaborative relationship with your teen that allows free communication and respect that works both ways, allows you to keep your child safe as they find their way into adulthood .

Teens believe that know everything but as we know, they are naive in many ways. Unfortunately, they are also able to navigate around us if they really want to. We want to believe the best of our kids, but unless you have a great relationship where they are safe to talk to you about the negative, chances are, they are busy doing what they want in some ways and you just don’t know.

A real example of this I want to share with you. A teen girl, 17, has a ‘fun’ relationship with her Mum. Her Mum thinks because they shop and laugh together, that she knows all about her daughter. But her Mum has laid down the law to her. She was told, “If you have sex before you’re 18 I’ll disown you. No drinking and no dates until then”. Her daughter was fine with this until she met a boy she wanted to date. She tested the water with her Mum and asked if she could go on a date. Her Mum gave a very direct no and threatened her again.

Mum assumed all was good, they still laughed and joked around, nothing much changed. Her daughter however, had her heart set on this boy and started to date him. She met him at the park, after school, when she was supposedly with her friends. Mum had no idea. The relationship got more serious and she wanted to go the next step with him. She left the house one night when her parents asleep and had sex with him in the local park. Mum still thinking she has kept her daughter safe by being strict.

At this stage, she is now in a relationship with this boy and her family still know nothing of him. He invites her to a party with his friends and wants her to stay the night. She desperately wants to do this so she comes up with a plan. She asks to sleep at a friend’s house and is allowed to. Her Mum has an app on her phone to see where she is. She goes to her friends place and gets ready to go out with her boyfriend. She then leaves her phone at her friend’s house so the app shows that she is there and she takes a cheap phone with her. The plan is that if her Mum calls, her friend will call her on the cheap phone, put her on speaker and then answer her Mum and put the phones next to each other.

It was very clever and she got the night with her boyfriend and her Mum believes she spent the night at her friend’s house. Luckily, nothing went wrong. But the danger here is that Mum can’t keep her daughter safe. She dictated rules without listening and as such, her daughter chose to navigate this new world on her own.

This is a true story and one of many like this that I hear of now. Absolutely as parents we want to determine the rules for our kids. But how you do this now matters more than ever. Develop a relationship with your kids that allows them to tell you the bad stuff and you can help guide them onto the right path. You can still have strict rules, but you need to get your kids to want to follow the rules.

If you need help navigating the teen years, Book Now for a parenting session to help develop a trusting relationship with your teen.

2Apr, 2020

How to Survive Lockdown with your family

Life as we know it, with the Coronavirus, has changed for all of us and as humans, we aren’t great at change. For most of us, we struggle to adapt quickly and accept the changes. What we are all living through now is confronting on many levels.

For most of us, we find ourselves confined in our homes with our families, or even worse perhaps, alone, and we need to employ some strategies to support our mental health. Already I am hearing from clients about the individual challenges they are facing being confined in their homes. These are some ideas that might help you and your family cope well with this strange way of living.

Change the rules. Effective homes run on routine and rules. Since we can no longer run our homes around schooling, sports and outings, we need to redefine the rules. To take the pressure off parents, take a step back. Soften your rules on gaming and screen time, allow kids to play longer or chat to friends online. It may not be ideal but it ca be corrected when life goes back to normal. Doing this allows parents to relax a little more and helps keep kids occupied. Now is not the time to stress about perfect rules.
Try and keep a new routine and schedule. Schools are trying to conduct home schooling as much as possible. Get your kids out of bed for school time, have breakfast, get dressed and do the school work. Don’t stress if you aren’t a math’s expert, you’re not alone, simply do your best and set some sort of schooling routine.
Change focus and set this time as positive family time. Never in our lives have we been in this situation and we can find some positives if we look for them. Pull out the board games, set up a treasure hunt, set up your tent in the backyard on the weekend if you have that option. Dye the kid’s hair, give yourself a funny hair cut (or maybe just the kids!!), do some family drawings, keep a family journal of this time. One day our kids will look back on this time, let the have some fun stuff to recount. Let your imagination go and create some great memories.
Accept that at some stage people are going to get on each other’s nerves. Have a plan for this. If you can, set aside a different room for people to use as a timeout room. Try and make use of the space in your home in a different way. The garage can be a great place to throw a chair in, put some music on and read a book, if that is the only space you can get. Be respectful of each person needing their own time.
Plan family functions in the home. Set up a family video chat over dinner with another family and have a good laugh at what is happening in your home in this strange time. Set your kids up to have online chats with their friends. Adults arrange a girls or guys night online. Zoom and Houseparty are great apps that support us doing this. No, it isn’t the same but you are creating history here and we have no choice so get creative.
For partners, have a date night. Pick a room, set the kids up with a movie in another room and go on your date. Get dressed up!! Have some fun in your home with your partner. Who knows? Maybe you’ll create a great new habit that you’ll take into the world at the end of this.
Expect this to be hard at times. Call a friend, take time for yourself, or call a counselling service. This is what we do, it’s what we are good at. No we haven’t lived this situation either but we are great at listening and helping others get clarity in their lives. Already I have had a few clients call me distressed and end up feeling excited at the end of the call about what they can do with this time.
Try and keep younger kids away from the constant news flow. We don’t want to create problems for ourselves and scared kids is a problem we don’t want. Share with them the basics at an age appropriate level and assure them the adults are dealing with it and they are safe.
As I write this, we are still able to go for a walk so take advantage of this. Getting the kids out once a day can have a big impact on the rest of the day. A quick run around the block with them is all that is needed to break the home cycle. Make it fun. Challenge them to look for all the red doors or all of the pink flowers. It can be an amazing way to connect with our kids. The world has forced us to slow down and smell the flowers so let’s do just that.
Be kind. Some family members will find this easier than others. Be respectful of each other’s needs. Talk about it at dinner. Ask each person what the hardest thing is for them or what the best thing is. Keep communication about this open. Often being heard can be enough to feel calmer.

I am a parent and am locked in with my kids. There are moments when I wonder how we will survive this for a long period, but mostly I am trying to embrace the fact that I have been given an opportunity to spend time with my family and I am forced to try and make this fun for all of us. My hope is that when they recount this time to their kids one day, that they’ll remember this as a hard time but great family time too!

Good luck, stay safe.

16Sep, 2019

Parenting Coaching

Are you confused about how to parent your kids effectively?

You’re not alone. Parenting today is a challenge like no other. The world is changing so quickly that there is no template for parents to follow of what is effective in parenting.

As a result, we are often left using techniques from the past or playing a guessing game of how to parent, particularly when it comes to our teens.

With the constant exposure to social media and the world at their finger tips, our kids present a totally different parenting challenge than we have ever known.

One of the biggest issues that I am seeing as a Counsellor these days, is teenagers with identity and self-esteem problems.

Why are our kids struggling so much with their own identities?

How come they are they developing eating disorders, drug and alcohol problems at such a young age?

Why are they so disrespectful to parents and other adults?

Parents have a challenge like no other today navigating the path with their teens.

In an effort to support our kids, some parents will helicopter, others will try and be a best friend, some will keep a tight reign, and then others will allow everything. Some will find a balance.

Every parent is parenting with an abundance of love and is trying their best to raise their kids in the best way they can.

But without the right knowledge and tools, even the best attempts may not be effective.

Taking the time to get some help in how to approach parenting in a healthy way can make home life so much easier and enjoyable for everyone.

The other focus we have as parents now is teens and their phones, social media and the vast amount of information they are exposed to. There is no ‘right’ way to manage this difficult time, we work towards what is going to be effective (and safe), for your teen and your family.

Lately I have worked with many ‘difficult’ teens. What we learnt was that changing a few things at home in the parent/child relationship can make an immense difference. Talking to both the teen and the parents separately and then helping to bridge that communication gap has been effective for families.

Learn healthy ways to provide love, self-esteem, discipline, rules, boundaries, consequences, communication and respect with your children. This will help to set your kids up for a healthy future that you can help guide and nurture.

When it comes to teens, our focus becomes how to support them and still keep safe boundaries as they learn who they are, how they fit in and navigate their way into the adult world with a healthy self-esteem.

I will help parents understand their teens. What are they really thinking? What challenges are they facing?

This is an area that I work closely with to help change. A teen with a healthy self-view is usually an easier teen to parent. Teens are generally really comfortable with video counselling too. After all, they tend to live on their technology!

15Feb, 2016

9 Signs your relationship may be in trouble

9 Signs your relationship may be in trouble Often when couples come to counselling for their relationship, they are in such a bad place that it can be difficult or even impossible to repair. Often at this stage at least one of the couple has decided to leave the relationship and is simply going through the motions of counselling.

The best time to go to couples counselling is when the relationship is healthy or when you are first noticing that it is not as rewarding as it used to be. It’s a little like servicing your car. You can get it checked when you first notice something isn’t quite right, or you can ignore the signs and wait till it breaks down to look at it.

So what are some of the signs that your relationship may be in trouble? Read More

19Aug, 2014

Do We Need Marriage Counselling?

marriage-counselling Marriage is a beautiful contract established between two individuals who choose to live their lives together.

It’s no secret that most married couples sailed through their budding relationship, engagement, and honeymoon period with flying colours. It’s so easy to maintain passion and intimacy when things are fresh, new, and exciting. And then life happens.

We get busier. Life’s overwhelming demands never seem to ease up. We expand our families and experience sheer exhaustion like we never even knew existed. We run into road blocks, are faced with setbacks and struggles, and we are forced to make tough decisions. Days run into weeks, and weeks run into months, and before we realise the magnitude of or monotony, we’ve settled into a routine that lacks the spark that originally started the fire.

A marriage is hard work, just like a career, parenting, or finishing up your higher level of education. It takes effort, practice, and devotion in order to succeed, and when everything else is taking priority, we have a tendency to put our marriages on the backburner. We stop actively communicating with our spouse because we assume they already know what we should be telling them. We take them for granted, and we forget how important it is to verbalise our feelings.

In fact, the number one reason that couples file for divorce ultimately boils down to a lack of communication. This is closely followed by financial disagreements and lack of support and/or trust – both of which could be addressed with sufficient communication. Essentially, almost all major reasons that couples choose to break their marital promises should be resolvable with adequate communication. Unfortunately, when couples allow themselves to become distant, bitter, angry, or resentful, attempts at communication often result in hostility, defensiveness, and arguments.

Do We Really Need Marriage Counselling?

If your marriage has reached the point where communications are always heated and there is little to no compromise in your relationship with your spouse, marriage counselling could be the answer to your problems. If you have tried confronting your spouse about your situation, and the two of you are unable to find level ground, a marriage counsellor can be a neutral buffer that not only facilitates civil and unbiased conversation, but helps to uncover the roots of your dissatisfaction. An experienced marriage counsellor can provide helpful exercises that will teach couples how to communicate and ways to approach and resolve their problems.

Most people assume that marriage is supposed to be a happily ever after of sorts and when the going gets tough, divorce is the easy solution. Unfortunately, divorce often has a profound impact on all involved. It may not just affect the couple, but can involve children, extended family members, and mutual friends.

If your marriage is suffering from a lack of communication, hostility, bitterness, and resentment, maybe it’s time to address the issues before they allow your relationship to become completely destroyed. Perhaps you are a newly engaged couple and you are determined that your marriage is not going to become one of the thousands that fall to the passive depths of divorce. If so, consider marriage counselling so that you can approach your commitment with the tools to help prevent monotony and unhappiness.

Regardless if your marriage is in distress or if you feel that you and your spouse are on top of your game, marriage counselling is always a great way to open doors of communication, learn ways to become even further connected, and continue your marriage as a fully devoted couple that will stick it out, till death do us part.

4Jun, 2014

Common Relationship Problems

Most couples experience some problems in their relationship at some stage. Expecting that your relationship will not always be the perfect, romantic picture you have in your head and being able to deal with issues as they arise is important for the longevity of a relationship.

6 Common Relationship Problems

Some of the most common issues that arise in relationships are:

1. Poor or Ineffective Communication

It is widely accepted that one of the core strengths of a successful relationship is good communication. Good communication is characterised by both parties being able to have calm, clear interactions where the message being sent is clearly received by the other person. Couples need to be able to read both verbal and non-verbal communications correctly and feel that their message has been received and accepted.

Having good communication skills is important as it allows you to maintain a close bond with each other and also provides the backing for good conflict resolution. When couples do not communicate well, often minor issues in a relationship can become major ones and issues are not resolved which causes resentment and can lead to a combative relationship.

2. Poor Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is part of any relationship as we don’t always have the same values, dream, goals or perceptions. Some couples are able to work through these differences and find a solution together that is acceptable to both parties.

Many couples are unable to work through these points of difference and will have unresolved issues. This is usually sustainable within the relationship if it is infrequent or not about core issues. However, when couples consistently fail to resolve problems then the relationship starts to feel the effects of this.

Couples who are not good at resolving conflict will often start to manage conflict in a number of negative ways. Some will start to ignore each other or the point of difference which tends to lead to resentment. Others will start to get louder and find nothing unusual in yelling at each other to try and get their point across. Still others will become passive/aggressive and give in only to try and pay back their partner in another way. Finally, there are couples where one person will continually back down and not have their needs met.

The result of frequent, poorly handled conflict in a relationship can be withdrawal in the relationship, anxiety and aggression.

3. Infidelity

While most people view infidelity as a physical interaction with another person outside of the relationship, more and more with social media and electronic communications, couples are finding different forms of infidelity within the relationship are occurring.

Couples have differing ideas on what constitutes infidelity. For some, it means a sexual affair with another person, for others it can be romantic or sexual communications with no touch being involved. Whatever the situation, infidelity can be incredibly damaging to a relationship and cause issues around trust which can take years to overcome.

Infidelity is viewed by the other partner as a violation of trust and can be damaging to the persons self-esteem as well as the relationship. Typically (though not always), men tend to be involved in sexual infidelity and women are involved in emotional infidelity (though both can be present). Interestingly, women are more likely than men to try and forgive an infidelity and try and work towards repairing the relationship.

4. Loss of Intimacy

Intimacy includes physical interactions as well as emotional and mental connections between couples. Often one of the first areas to deteriorate noticeably in a relationship is the sexual intimacy between partners. Usually, although not always, men will place more emphasis on this area not meeting their needs. A significant change in this area (after the honeymoon period of course) is often indicative of problems in the relationship.

Women tend to withdraw sexually and men emotionally when the relationship is not healthy, so paying attention to these areas is important for the health of the relationship.

A withdrawal in areas of intimacy can lead to isolation within the relationship and other problems can take on a greater sense of importance if this area is not satisfactory.

5. Substance Abuse

Substance abuse within a relationship, often alcohol abuse, can have a big impact on the health of the relationship. Often individuals will turn to alcohol, or other substances to help alleviate personal problems or stresses and this impacts on the relationship.

Excessive drinking or drug taking can cause the individual to withdraw, not communicate well and have less interest in hearing the problems of their partner. Of course other problems can arise out if substance abuse too such as financial difficulties or health problems and these too place a strain on the relationship.

6. Individual Issues

Often couples with otherwise healthy relationships will struggle to maintain a long term, healthy relationship because of issues such as depression, anxiety or self-esteem. While many people can be very supportive of these issues in their partner, it can be a draining exercise trying to maintain healthy interactions.

Couples with one of these factors in their relationship will often struggle with an unbalanced relationship, poor communication and anger within the relationship. The problems that can arise out of these issues are difficult for the individual to manage and when placed within a relationship, can add a very real pressure that is difficult to identify. Often problems present as a basic relationship problem when in fact it originally stems from the individual issue.

It is important not to place blame on the individual suffering from these issues but to have an awareness that it can place an extra burden on the relationship and professional help is important to try and identify and correct the underlying problems.

If you notice any of these common relationship problems in your relationship, then seek help as soon as you can to help identify the core issues and create that healthy relationship that everyone dreams about. All of these issues identified above can be fixed in your relationship, but the sooner you get help or try to address them, the easier it is to get the results you want.

22May, 2014

9 Tips for Effective Listening

One of the biggest and most common problems I see in relationships is poor communication between couples. To maintain a happy, healthy relationship, it is important to learn to listen effectively to your partner. This helps your partner feel respected and important and also helps to make sure there are no misunderstandings in the message they are trying to send.

Most of us talk more than we listen and are often either distracted by other things when our partner is trying to convey something important to us, or we are busy formulating our response while we wait for them to finish talking.

Many couples will have the complaint that their partner doesn’t listen to them. The response to this is usually that they are listening and they can often repeat word for word what was said – that doesn’t necessarily mean they have heard the message being given.

Important Points for Effective Listening

There are a few points that are important to help with effective listening and using these with your partner, particularly when it is something important to them, can improve your relationship. These are 9 tips for effective listening:

1. When your partner wants to talk to you, not just have a casual chat, it is important to make sure there are no distractions. When possible, make sure you are showing that you attentive through your body language. Stop doing whatever it was you were doing and face your partner with a relaxed stance. Make eye contact and show you are ready to listen.

2. Listen and don’t interrupt. Couples have a tendency to listen to the start of what their partner is saying and then either shutting off (yes, they’ve heard it before) or finishing the sentence for their partner because they presume they know what they are trying to say.

Allow your partner to finish their story completely before responding. Sometimes this can be frustrating if they take some time to formulate their thoughts, but it is important so that you have the full meaning before you reply. The end of their communication may change the message you were expecting to hear.

3. Focus on listening and don’t allow your mind to wander. If the subject is boring to you or you have heard it before, there can be a tendency to start wondering what you are going to have for dinner! Try and keep yourself focused on the conversation, it will pay off in the end.

4. Use body language and ‘listening words’ to show that they have your attention. Along with the eye contact, nod occasionally to show you are paying attention. Also using small words to show you are interested such as ‘yes’, ‘ok’ can help to make your partner feel they are being heard and will encourage them to trust that they can talk to you.

5. As well as listening to the words being spoken, pay attention to both body language and tone. These help give us a complete message and interpret what is being said more accurately. This is one of the reasons it is important to not have distractions and stop other tasks.

If your partner is saying that they are happy and everything is fine but they have tears in their eyes or are fisting their hands, then there is a good chance the words are not entirely accurate and you can explore this further with them.

6. Don’t allow your emotions to overtake the conversation. Try and listen objectively to what is being said without putting your own spin on it. It can be hard in a relationship, particularly when your partner is saying something negative, to keep your emotions in check so you can fully understand what they are saying.

This is not to say you can’t feel emotions around the subject, but trying to focus on the communication and get a clear message is difficult to do when you become absorbed in the emotions.

7. Empathise. Many couples struggle with this step. There is a tendency to try and fix, deflect or explain in response to a message given by our partner. This usually results in your partner feeling like they were not really heard or that you don’t care how they feel.

You don’t have to agree with them, but letting them know you accept what they have said, and possibly even understand how they might be feeling can go a very long way in keeping a conversation on track and effective.

Empathising does not mean you necessarily agree. It shows you have heard what they are saying and accept that it is real and meaningful to them.

8. Once they have finished speaking, check that you have understood the message they are trying to convey. Checking this out by repeating back to them in your own words, is a good way to make sure you have heard correctly.

Many couples get the wrong message and respond inappropriately because of this. Checking out eliminates this common problem and gives you the opportunity to respond correctly.

9. Respond to the message. Make sure you stay on topic and address the issue they have raised rather than providing an issue of your own.

Learning to listen effectively and give your partner empathy can be one of the hardest things to learn, especially when you feel you are being given a negative about yourself. Mastering this skill though can mean the difference between a mutually satisfying relationship and a conflict riddled relationship.