Self-Esteem and the Healthy Relationship
Couples & Self-Esteem
One of the biggest challenges I see couples tackle in relationship counselling is the impact of low self-esteem on an otherwise mostly healthy relationship. Low self-esteem can lie behind various issues, and how we deal with these issues can also affect our self-worth. While relationships can’t fix someone’s self-esteem, they can influence it positively or negatively depending on how things are managed.
Sounds confusing, right? It can be really difficult for someone in a relationship with a partner who struggles with low self-esteem to understand what’s really going on. Sometimes the behaviour is part of a communication pattern that just needs gentle coaching. Other times, it’s a coping mechanism that comes from deeper insecurities.
Here are some common signs I often see in couples counselling that may be linked to self-esteem:
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Overly defensive responses to small issues
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Outbursts of anger over minor frustrations
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Moodiness or emotional withdrawal
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Perfectionism or fear of failure
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Reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable
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Being overly needy or seeking constant reassurance
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Controlling behaviour, especially around social connections
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Difficulty accepting compliments
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Trust issues that lack a basis in current reality
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Not expressing wants or needs
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Always people-pleasing and avoiding their own opinions
While some of these behaviours may not seem concerning at first, over time they can create an imbalance. For example, a partner who avoids conflict or always goes along with what you want may seem easygoing at first, but it can become exhausting to always carry the emotional and decision-making load.
It’s also important to remember that not everything on this list is always about self-esteem. Past relationship wounds, upbringing, and current relationship dynamics can all shape how people behave. Rather than labelling your partner, take a curious and compassionate approach. There may be healthier ways to understand and address these patterns together.
If you suspect low self-esteem may be playing a role, try gently opening a conversation with your partner about it. Avoid making it sound like a diagnosis or blame. Just explore the idea with kindness. Self-esteem is something that can absolutely be improved, especially with the support of a safe and understanding partner.
Low self-esteem is incredibly common, and it can impact every part of someone’s life including relationships, friendships, career choices and parenting. But the good news is that it can be improved with the right help.
If you think self-esteem is affecting your relationship, or your partner is struggling, reach out today. Through couples therapy or individual sessions at Affinity Counselling in the Hills District, we can work together to rebuild confidence and strengthen your relationship.
Book online today to get started.
As always, here if you need.
Sharon Chapman
Counsellor – Hills District