Sexual Intimacy in a Healthy Relationship
Affinity Counselling – Couples Therapy in the Hills District
In couples therapy, we talk about everything that matters in a relationship and that includes sexual intimacy. While some couples are comfortable discussing this openly, many feel awkward. But in the context of relationship counselling, it’s completely normal. Sexual intimacy is treated like any other part of the relationship that needs care and understanding.
If you haven’t worked with me before, the first couples therapy session is all about exploring your relationship and identifying what’s working and what might need a little attention. I’ll ask about communication, conflict, how you spend your time together and apart and yes, I’ll also ask about sexual intimacy. Are you having sex? Is it good for both of you? Is it meeting your needs?
It’s rare for couples to say “yes” to all of those questions. In fact, sexual intimacy is often one of the first things to decline when a relationship has been under strain or simply neglected for a while.
Most couples respond that their intimacy either isn’t working at all or isn’t meeting the needs of one partner. In heterosexual relationships, this is often the male, but certainly not always. In same-sex relationships, one partner usually feels the imbalance more than the other.
When both people feel the intimacy is lacking, it can be easier to accept no one feels left out. But when only one person is feeling dissatisfied, the issue becomes more painful for both.
This is where couples therapy can really help. I often see one partner feeling unloved, not good enough, or unimportant when their sexual needs aren’t being met. They may interpret this as a sign they’re not attractive or valued.
Meanwhile, the other partner might feel nagged, pressured, or like they’re not appreciated for what they do contribute to the relationship. They may feel that sex is being placed above everything else.
It’s important to understand that a loss of sexual intimacy is rarely about not loving each other. It’s not that someone isn’t good enough or attractive enough. Similarly, not wanting sex doesn’t mean someone only sees their partner in that one role.
Without a shared understanding and open conversations, the absence of intimacy can hurt deeply. That’s why one of the most valuable parts of couples therapy is creating a safe space to talk about it honestly without judgment or shame.
There is no “right” way to have sex. The quantity, the quality, how it looks and feels these things are unique to each couple. The key is communicating openly about what you both need.
Too often, conversations around sex don’t go far enough. Phrases like:
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“We need to have sex, it’s been ages.”
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“I don’t want to do that.”
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“All you ever think about is sex.”
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“We never have sex anymore.”
…are often the end of the conversation rather than the beginning. But these are the moments where a deeper, more vulnerable conversation should start.
If you want a healthy relationship, talk about your sexual needs and how you’re feeling. It’s normal for couples to have mismatched libidos, or to go through seasons where intimacy takes a back seat. That doesn’t mean you give up it means you make time to understand each other and work together on solutions.
Health issues, stress, busy schedules, and changes in desire are all valid but they’re not a reason to stop talking. In a loving, connected relationship, sexual intimacy still matters. It might look different over time, but it should always feel respectful, understood, and safe.
If you’re in the Hills District and struggling to talk about intimacy in your relationship, couples therapy can give you the tools to start the conversation and move forward together.
As always, here if you need.
Sharon Chapman
Affinity Counselling – Couples Therapy in Baulkham Hills, Castle Hill & Norwest