How to Support a Partner with Low Self-Esteem
As a counsellor, I have two areas that I specialise in, these being relationships, and depression/self-esteem. Often when couples present for help with a relationship issue, there is one partner who is suffering from either depression or has low self-esteem. In order to help the relationship, we also need to address these individual issues in order to create a healthy, strong relationship.
While you can’t fix your partners self-esteem, you can go a long way to supporting them as they heal themselves and this ultimately benefits everyone. Some people are aware that they have low self-esteem and their partner is also aware. At other times, the behaviour of the partner with low self-esteem is put down to other things and they are ‘blamed’ for these behaviours.
What are the signs of low self-esteem?
- Struggles to accept compliments, often deny or push the compliment away
- Seems very needy in some ways. Perhaps affection or always looking for validation
- Not comfortable in some social situations
- Doesn’t achieve career wise as you would expect them to, based on their capability
- Not willing to try new things
- Reacts angrily to any possible negative comment about themselves
- For women, often wearing a lot of makeup to leave the house or even within the home
- A real focus on how they look and needing validation around this
- For men (some women), talking a lot of assets they have
- Rarely initiate intimate affection
- ‘Clingy’
- Need to check on you when you are out
- A lot of questions about what you are doing when you are not with them
These are just some signs, and not all of these on their own indicate low self-esteem. But, chances are, if your partner ticks a few of these, then they may have low self-esteem. Supporting them to get to a healthy place for themselves, will ultimately help the relationship too and make your life easier.
How to support a partner with low self-esteem
Compliment
Offer your partner real compliments whenever you can. It must be sincere or they will see through it. If your partner is often negative about how they look, then this is a good area to focus. Frequent small compliments around how they look, can have a big impact of their self-view. They may push them back at you, but offer them anyway.
Look for anything you like in them or any small achievements they have made and tell them about it. Lots of small compliments often have a way of starting to take hold on someone until they may start to believe them.
Don’t be angry
It is hard work sometimes living with someone with low self-esteem. You see a great individual (or you wouldn’t be with them) but this is not what they see. It can be frustrating at times to live with the negative side of low self-esteem, but getting angry at them for what is ‘survival behaviour’ for them only makes it worse.
For example, you may think your girlfriend is gorgeous and get sick of hearing her say how she looks awful. You think she is fishing for compliments because she surely must see that she is gorgeous. You get frustrated and tell her ‘Fine, then you do look awful in that outfit’. This small outburst can have a huge effect on crushing her self-esteem and cements her view that she does look awful and that you have finally told the truth she believed already.
So, not saying you can’t ever get angry, but be slow to react when you can.
Accept their feelings as real for them
Your view of your partner with low self-esteem is very different than the view they have of themselves. It can be hard to understand and accept when the evidence is often obvious to you. But, be aware that their thinking of themselves is faulty. You may think that they are attractive, fun, successful, kind, intelligent etc. They may believe some of these things too, but often there are areas where they have a completely distorted view of these things, and for them their view is real.
Accepting that their feelings and thoughts are real and valid for them is important. If you accept this, then you can be more patient and better help support them to change their thinking. Telling them they are stupid for thinking how they think, does not help, it just makes them try to hide their thinking and not be able to get help to fix it.
Listen to them
If your partner is telling you how they feel about themselves, then listen. You may not understand, but giving them the support by simply listening is valuable and makes them feel validated and supported. You don’t need to agree with them, simply provide a sounding board for them to talk freely. You can then offer to get some help with them or tell them that is not how you see it, but you accept that is how they feel.
Include them
Make an effort to include your partner in activities with you and with friends. If they are reluctant to participate, it may be that they want to but are unsure of themselves. Be supportive and encouraging and try and get them involved.
There can be a tendency to do your own thing because your partner says no to participating. You have to have your own time, but be sure to include them often so they feel they are important to you and have a sense of belonging.
Watch what you say
People with low self-esteem can be very fragile and often hear a negative when there is none intended. Making a joke which seems perfectly harmless to you, can have big consequences for them. Be aware that small things you say can take on a much bigger meaning for them. This is not to suggest that you need to weigh every word before you speak, just be aware that anything negative may hold a greater meaning to them than you intended.
Accept Defensiveness
Your partner may seem to be overly sensitive and defensive. This is normal for someone with low self- esteem. They can be quick to react if they feel you are putting them down or attacking them in some way. Try and be aware that they are fragile and accept that the defensiveness is a protection for them when they are feeling vulnerable.
In summary, you can’t fix your partners self-esteem and you are not responsible for it, but as their partner, you can have a big impact in helping to support them while they work on repairing it. You are not expected to be perfect and always say the right thing, but having an awareness of how you express a negative can help. Also, putting in lots of positives can really help both your partner and your relationship.
Low self-esteem can be changed, but it takes work and often some outside help to get real change. If you have any questions on this article, or about low self-esteem, please feel free to contact me.
You can read more about self-esteem in this article, Self-Esteem and Healthy Relationships.
I work with people all over the world to help support them and their partners through their journey to healthy self-esteem, book an online session to start feeling supported today.
I would like to buy a book for my husband to help with low self asteem as he will not seek counselling can you suggest one to buy ?
I’m sorry I don’t have any books that I particularly love that address self-esteem in a practical way. A good place to start is to look at self dialogue so you could perhaps look for books that give a basic overview of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is a therapy directed at looking at our thought patterns and this in turn does address self-esteem.
I am a man with low self esteem and am engaged to a woman with low self esteem. The best book I have read was “having the confidence to be yourself” by doctor Brian Roet
Thanks Jay, hopefully that will help some people searching for a good book around this. Hearing from someone who is in a similar space and recommending a book is really great.
This is by far the best and most accurate article I have read about the issue. Compliments to the author.
The issues discussed are bang on perfect (for us) and the points mentioned are really practical and helpful.
I would appreciate if you could direct me to any further articles about the issue (helping/supporting a spouse with low self esteem) written by the author.
Thank you.
Thankyou for the kind words. I find there isn’t a great deal written to address this as a stand alone issue and yet it is the underlying problem for many other issues that arise for us. I haven’t written anything else in depth on this yet but when I do I will post it on this site.
Are you someone related to Gary Chapman who’s the author of 5 love languages? That’s a wonderful book indeed
No I just love his work. I read his first book many years ago and used it as a guide to raise my sons. It made parenting really easy and I have teens that are balanced and healthy and a delight to raise.
I really enjoyed reading your post. I had few teardrops when I read it. I love my husband so much, so it is hard to see him crying many times due to his low self-esteem. Good thing that he is always open to me to share how he feels, and recently we managed to make a list of things that he feared or wished most. Though we came from two different parts of world, and are still struggling with languages, we’ve had significant improvement. I realize that I would need to be strong to take care of my own feeling first before talking to him, so that I could continuously putting in lots of positives and support him with solutions. Not an easy job, I must admit. But with great care and love, I am sure it will work, I believe this. Thank you again, and please post more in the nearest future.
Thankyou Anna, I’m really happy that you were able to relate to this. It really is a tough place to be and can be hard work to change. But for those lucky enough to have someone who loves them supporting them through it, it can be so much easier. I wish you both the best.
Awww your comment made me had few teardrop, Anna. I know the struggles. My fiancee has low self esteem as well. But I’ll try harder to understand him better.
My husband and I are struggling. He has low self esteem. The addition of children has caused his issue to morph into verbal and emotional abuse toward me and our 4 children. I’ve been supportive through these 26 years. He will not invest in himself or our relationship. Work is his strength he says, and that receives his investment of time, effort and energy. I enjoyed your article. It’s difficult to compliment when he is not involved. We are all hurting.
I’m really sorry that you are living through that. It is not uncommon for anger to be present and that makes it very hard to be sympathetic to as it seems personal and can be frightening too. Until your husband is ready to get some help or look for changes, you need to focus on you and looking after you. Try and keep some good support systems in place for yourself and remind yourself that you have no control over his feelings, only your own. I sincerely hope you can get him to see that it can be different if he wants it to.
Is there anyway to help someone with low self esteem be ready to try different things to help? My boyfriend thinks, “That’s just the way I am” even though he wants to be different and do things that he can’t do because of depression and low self esteem.
Hi Anna,
there you can’t really force people to believe they can ‘fix’ what is holding them back. You can provide reading examples or ask them to but it really needs to be them ready to accept that it might help. I generally suggest to clients that come to see me for help for a partner that they find someone they think might be a good fit, because you often only get one opportunity. If people have a bad experience, and that can happen with the wrong person, they often refuse to try again. So find someone you like and then ask your partner to try it, for you, to just explore that it could help and then go with them for the first session. That first session can be really hard for many people to walk into so having a trusted partner, at least for the start of the session can sometimes help to get things started. Often people will agree to do one session and then if you have a good counsellor, they will see it can be helpful and accept the help more willingly. I hope you can get him to see it can be changed. It is just thinking behind low self-esteem, we can all change that with the right help.
Am dating a man with low self esteem, and most articles were suggesting breaking up with him. it works!! we talk more
this article is just awesome, am practicing the tolerance and support it preaches
Hi, i am now dating with someone who has low self-esteem and he said that he’s in depression. Seemed like I treated him wrongly (after I read few articles about depression and low self-esteem) and now he’s withdrawing himself and wouldnt talk to me. And he asked to let him be alone, I said that if that’s the best support I can help with, I agreed. And I told him I’ll be here for him if he need me.
Did my action correct? And what should I do for the next step? Or should I just let him by himself until he opened himself to me?
Thank u for your advice
Hi Eve,
I’m sorry to hear that you are in that position. I’m not sure there is ever a perfect action to take. If your partner asks to be left alone and you believe he is genuine in wanting that, then be guided by him. If you want to be there and support him, and this is a decision just for you, then perhaps you could assure him that you want to be there for him and he just needs to let you know the best way to help. Perhaps he just needs some reassurance from you. Best of luck.
Thank you, Sharon 🙂
Thank you for this amazing post. My wife has low self esteem. She has eczema from childhood and it has left a lot of scars on her body mostly on her face, hands and feet. She can make her face look normal with makeup but not the hands as she washes them during the day. She was tutoring her students and some kids told her that her hands are ugly. She texted me and I told her that they are just kids. They are just curious and they don’t know what it is and don’t take them seriously and that her hands are different, not ugly. She didn’t like my response. My response usually is different. I usually assure her that she is beautiful but she doesn’t believe me. Nowadays I don’t know what to say or do when she is feeling like that. I feel like it doesn’t matter what i say anymore. I have tried everything. And yes, sometimes I don’t act the way i should. Sometimes I am not a motivator or supportive bcz of the stress i am going through personally. And that’s exactly when we fight most of the time. My wife is black and she has extremely curly hair. She always wishes she had long and straight hair. Her skin was normal. She was skinnier. I try my best to make her feel better about herself but sometimes I fall out of track. And that’s when we argue and fight. The last time it happened, she asked me to leave the house. And i left. Coz i was too frustrated. I don’t know if i should’ve.
Hi Abdul, I’m glad the article helped you in some way, it can be that moment of clarity and understanding what is actually happening and what those behaviours are about. Perhaps a discussion with your wife about getting some support for her professionally to help her realise that what she sees in herself is not what you or others see. It’s a tough place to be for both of you. I sincerely wish you all the best in navigating your way through this.
Thank you for your post. I am understanding some of the things I should avoid and not do. My wife has low self esteem and she suffers greatly. She on the edge, I’m walking on ice (sometimes), she complains about a lot of things, she gets the kids scared and nervous if the house is messing, she does not like her weight, and etc…. She is a “stay-at-home.” I try to encourage and say the right things or just listen. It gets difficult at home and we argue in front of the kids. I don’t want none of this, but I love her and I want her to pull through this. Does she need to make a change for herself? Can I suggest it? It gets hard and I get confused…
Hi Will, it sounds like you are in a tough place right now, great that you are supportive but that is hard too at times. It is important when we have low self-esteem to get help so that we can really enjoy life. It can have such a big impact on relationships and family. If your wife is open to the idea, perhaps you could suggest she talk to someone for herself to try and find what makes her happy. Many women tend to put themselves last after having children and it can be helpful to know that it is ok to focus on themselves too. Good luck, I really hope you can get some change at home for all of you.
I was so worried about my husband. After reading this article I feel more confident.
Thank you
I need some help. Can we please correspond via e-mail?
Hi Xavier, please feel free to email me.
My wife suffers from low self esteem. I have tried everything I can think of to help her see past her insecurities. When I read this article it really stood out to me that I have been doing most of these steps for years to no avail. What can I do, say etc. when the blame gets put onto me that she does not feel confident? I have tried notes, compliments, listening, offering suggestions and articles to read. She has 0 friends and does not make an attempt to jump in conversations when with my friends. Please, if you could give me another idea that could help boost her self esteem, i would be in your debt.
Thanks
Hi Alex,
It sounds like you are in a really tough position at the moment. It can be exhausting trying to help support a partner who has low self-esteem, what they see in themselves is different to what you see. You seem to be doing everything possible. Unfortunately as a partner you can only support, not fix self-esteem for someone else, it is their view of themselves and needs to be addressed by them usually with some professional help. Perhaps you could suggest counselling for both of you together and then through that process your wife might be more open to getting some help with this. It’s really tough for both of you to live like this. If you can have an open conversation with her about this, perhaps even show her some articles, tell her you want to make your relationship solid and this is part of it too. Nobody wants to be identified as the problem so owning it together can sometimes help start the process. I wish you the best of luck, she’s lucky you are tuned in and wanting to help her.
My boyfriend and I are expecting our first child and i couldn’t be happier. It seems like after hearing the news, his low self esteem got worse. Currently I work and he does not, we both know that with the addition of a new baby, he will have to start working as well to help support our family. He has been looking for jobs for over a month and hasn’t found anything. He seems very withdrawn, he hasn’t told his parents about the baby yet, and often gets into upset moods about the smallest things. I compliment him, I’m affectionate, I reassure him as much as I can that everything will be fine and we’ll help each other through everything, I try and pep him up when he’s feeling low, I always tell him he looks handsome. Sometimes it just feels like he ignores me. He’ll even say “you’re crazy for being with me”. I’m afraid his low self esteem is getting worse with the news and the fear of being a father. Please help.
Hi Jennifer I’m really sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. Congratulations on your pregnancy though, that is very exciting. Loving someone and seeing them suffer with low self-esteem but not being able to help is really hard. It sounds like you are supporting him as much as you can. As a partner, that is all you can do. There is no way you can fix this for him and what you describe is fairly typical of someone feeling this way about themselves. He can get better but it will require him to examine his thinking and learn how to correct his faulty thinking about himself. He can do some of this on his own using books and tools but realistically, the best solution is for him to seek counselling around this. A good therapist can help him understand what lies beneath this thinking and help him with tools to change it. This will help him to have more confidence to work and that in turn will help with confidence. The best solution if you can is to support him into some therapy. That can be hard to start, many people are reluctant to get help, especially if they have tried before and not had the best experience. But if he finds the right person to work with, and that can mean trialling a few people, then he will be able to make some changes. I hope that helps a little. Be kind to you at the moment, you can’t fix this, only support it.
Thank you!
Hello. My wife has low self-esteem. She doubts herself, puts herself down and believes she isn’t worthy. I try to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be alright, but she still feels like this. I don’t know what to do or what else I can say to her to make her feel better. I just sit there and listen. She cries sometimes. I think it has something to do with her parents treating her like she’s nothing and I think it had a negative impact on her when she was little, can’t say for sure but I think that is why she doubts herself. My wife says she can’t do anything right. And every little thing turns into an argument and it is usually her that starts it. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom that can help me help my wife?
Hi Jesse,
I’m really sorry your wife is feeling like that, it is such a difficult way to live and incredibly draining for you as a partner too. All you can do is support her as you are and encourage her to get some professional help. Nobody can love somebody out of poor self esteem, it is a distorted view that becomes a foundational belief, often due to something in childhood. The only way to truly fix it is to get someone to help her unravel that thinking and get a real view of herself, which is what you see but she doesn’t. Encouragement that help is a good thing, like taking the car to the mechanic, it is not a negative thing.
Good luck, I hope you can get her to find the resources she needs because it is possible to change this and then she can live a fulfilling life with you.
Dear Sharon,
I was quite impressed when I read your “Signs of low self-esteem”. I think, my wife ticks all the signs listed there. I also think, she has low self-esteem partly due to her being adapted child & not so pleasant childhood. We are married for over 35 years with several ups & down and many of them extremely intense to the point of “Life & Death” or divorce; mainly for our strong views on money matters. I have been following all of your ideas to support her (compliments & anger being the hardest), but you might help me to in-turn help her to be happy and healthy.
Hi Sharon
I hope you can give me some advise, my marriage is hanging on by threads. I have been suffering of low self esteem since I was a child. my husband tries and lifts me up at times, but then again he breaks me down a lot too. I do not know what to do any more. things go well between us for a couple of months then the verbal fights starts again and then slowly getting worse till I eventually feel so worthless that I just want to die, fortunately I do not have the guts to take my own live but do wish it upon myself when ever I can, then once this stage passes I get to the stage where I have had enough of my marriage and just want out. I have told my husband twice now that I want out, 1st time was beginning of last year and the 2nd time was now a month ago. and ever since the 2nd time it has been one long battle and that is when we identified my low self esteem issue but now we are trying to recover our marriage but it is a constant battle as my husband feels that I am not doing enough to prove to him that I am truly sorry about my decision to break up the marriage and that I will never know how much he is hurting and how much he needs me to prove that I still love him. The big problem is I am trying to prove it to him but I just dont know if I still do want to save the marriage as I am tired of all the verbal fights that we have it is like constantly walking on eggs. we do have 2 young kids and I can see our fights are affecting them too. I just dont know what to do.
Hi Chantel,
I’m very sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult space and feel so lost. It is hard trying to navigate out of that especially if we have been there for a long time. There is no quick cure for fixing self-esteem, counselling is the best option if you can find someone near you that you feel comfortable with. It sounds like both of you need some help trying to make your marriage a healthy one also where you are supporting each other, not needing each other. If you are not sure if you want the relationship, then talking to an objective person can also help with this. As counsellors we can’t tell you what choices to make so nobody will tell you to leave or stay, but we do help you explore your feelings around this to make sense of it all and then you will know for yourself what you want. Children aren’t generally a good reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy, it can have a negative impact on them also. So there are many factors for you to consider and working with a good counsellor is probably the best place to start. There is no judgement and you won’t be forced into a decision, it is simply a process to help you sort through what you want. Try and find someone you think might be a good fit for you and try a session. If it feels comfortable then stick with them, if not, shop around till you find a therapist you like. Really important that part and probably one of the best things any of us can do for ourselves when we are feeling confused and stuck.
Thanks Sharon. I will try and convince him that it will be good for us to go to a counselor, but he is not to keen on the idea and will need a lot of convincing to get him to agree. I will see what I can do.
Thank you for your advise.
I just sometimes wish there was a off button or at least just a pause button for life, to just stop things take a breath and then continue.
Hello Sharon,
I am from the U.S and married to an amazing woman who struggles with low self-esteem and depression. She has a real problem with her dopamine levels as well it seems. It is so hard to deal with her up’s and down’s. She has changed so much since we first met and deep inside I still see the woman I fell in love with. I feel helpless. She was a single mom coming from a horrible past relationship when I met her and the guy she was with was emotionally abusive to her and even physically. She was confident, energetic and fun loving. He tried to break her to bring her down to his level cause he felt she was too good for him but didn’t want to let her go. I really wish you could talk with her and help her. I feel like I am losing my soulmate to herself. The kids and I need her and I have given all of myself and tried to understand what she is going through but I am no psychiatrist. If there is a way for you to set up phone calls with her I would be forever grateful and it would help her and I immensely to find out what her troubles really are and how she can be herself again. I worry this is starting to affect our relationship and I cant bear to watch this happen. I want her to speak with a professional that wont try to drug her but actually listen to her and find the root cause of her suffering. She is so intelligent and wise but this is beyond her I’m afraid. She has even changed physically. Your article is so helpful to me but it is hard finding someone that wont just tell her to love herself and take some pills. She has resorted to picking up smoking cigarettes to “increase her dopamine levels” as she says. Its like the nicotine is the only thing helping her be her normal self. I tell her she needs to see someone about all this depression. I just wish I knew who to turn to.
Hi Nate,
I’m sorry to hear that your wife is in that position and feels like that. It is a really horrible way to feel and perhaps even harder on you watching it and not being able to fix it. Unfortunately the smoking won’t help fix anything but it is a crutch that perhaps makes her feel calm in some way for now. We don’t try to tackle everything at once. Counselling is really important here as you say and it can be hard to find a counsellor that fits. It often requires some shopping around and meeting people to find someone that works for you. Having said that, medication is also a valid part of helping shift people if they are in a really bad spot. This is a scary path to take for many people but I like to view it as a tool to use to help support the start of change then we let it go when we don’t need it. A bit like taking medication for high blood pressure till you get it sorted with exercise for example, then you stop the medication. So it is a valid path but requires the right medication and medical support to make sure it is the right one, something that can only be found by trial and error. But, if you are against medication then counselling can work alone but it tends to be harder work and a bit slower to get results.If you have a medical practitioner that you trust, that would be the first place to ask for referrals or advice. I could speak to your wife but this would be a long process and probably better for her to have somone nearby as you are looking at probably months of regular work at least. Perhaps you could look into some local therapsists to see if they fit what you need so she doesn’t get burnt out trying. Learning to love yourself is hard work when you have learnt the opposite over a period of time. I hope this helps some. x
Hi, I’m married to a man with low self esteem and depression. I have tried all of the things you suggest and more to try and support him over the years. We have been together for 8 years and have 2 children. He has tried counselling/CBT/hypnotherapy and is on anti-depressants. He feels I don’t try and understand his condition even though it has taken my life over too and I feel I have supported him best I can and have guided him to get the professional help he has had so far. I am a very independent, capable and practical person and although I’ve tried everything I can to help, I admit I don’t understand the psychology that is causing how he feels. I am now at the point where I never go out with my friends as it’s just not worth the hassle and can never fully relax and just be me. I can’t see how this is ever going to get better and we both feel like we are walking on eggshells with each other. It’s completely draining and I am starting to forget who I was before this relationship. He is a good man and I do love him but I feel he may be better suited to someone who needs him more as I my independence is probably a big part of the problem? I really don’t know what to try next?
Hi Jessica, it sounds like you have been really understanding and done a lot to support your husband. It sounds like your husband hasn’t found the right person to work with. This is really important to get change. The reality is that a partner can support but can’t fix it and over time it can take a big toll both on the relationship and on the other person as an individual. What you describe right now seems to me to be a space where you need to take action for both yourself and your relationship. You need some support to navigate this and keep yourself healthy. The fact that you are closing off your world for the sake of peaces is not a good sign. Relationship work is also beneficial (provided you find the right fit, shop around) as it may help establish healthy boundaries around what is a relationship issue and what is an individual issue. You are not the problem. His thinking around himself and therefore how those around him affect him is the problem if it is his self-esteem (depression is often a result of low self-esteem). Maybe find a good counsellor for yourself to help you navigate this next step. You need someone that is qualified but then you need to feel that you ‘click’ with them, that is really important. I hope you can find someone good to work with, sounds like you have given a lot of yourself and that isn’t actually healthy for either of you.
HI Sharon
I realise this article was written years ago, but even if you don’t reply I believe that getting my thoughts out will be useful.
I am in a marriage of 16 years. For the last 3 or so years our marriage conflict moved from occasional short spats of unhappiness to longer seasons of sulkiness. A Pandora’s box was opened when I became inquisitive as to why my wife was still unhappy about things that happened a decade ago in our marriage. Things that in my mind should have easily being forgiven and forgotten, or at least laughed about. I agreed to marriage counselling and from those sessions realized that I needed to back off with my inquisitiveness and give her some space to explore her own reasons for her extreme emotions during and after conflicts. I began sharing with a trusted male friend some of my frustrations so that I would have an outlet. I encouraged my wife to speak with a female friend and she did, but did not enjoy “moaning” to someone outside of the marriage. I think this friend confronted her with challenges about her thinking which was the real reason for her not enjoying the conversations.
As I watched my wife getting thinner, self-harm, become closed up, angry and hardened in her features, I suggested she see a professional. I explained that I wanted to see her overcome and not to fix her (“oh great, another thing I need to fix,” she often says). She finished up with her sessions, but did not enjoy them in the least. One time I went with her and she was shaking like a leaf and the poor therapist had a hard job getting anything out of her. I believe some sessions did go better, but when the therapist gave her an opportunity to end the sessions, she bolted. I think that the therapist was maybe unable to work with her. I didn’t push my wife to see someone else as she was happy to end the “annoying/not very useful” appointments and did not want to see someone else. I believed that the therapist would have warned us if my wife had a serious condition and needed to see someone else.
So life continues and sometimes things seem better, but I am still unable to share anything that I am unhappy about without my wife having a major reaction to it. Even if I choose my words very carefully and disclose up front that what I am sharing are my personal feelings and may not reflect reality/the truth. Despite careful treading I will notice something I said has upset her. If I leave her she spirals downwards within the next few days which can last a week or two. If I coax it out of her it comes with lots of tears and emotions (worsens the longer I wait) and is usually something taken out of context, which makes her feel unacceptable and reinforces her belief that I am trying to change her. Even if I explain that we should all be changing she can’t seem to tell the difference between growing as a person and becoming a different person. She incorrectly believes that I am trying to mould her into a completely different person simply by telling her I am frustrated when I don’t feel heard (for example), even though none of my sentences contain the words: “you need to change” or “it is your fault”. These are the things she hears though.
I am frustrated and feel hoodwinked that I have adjusted my behaviour to accommodate her low self-esteem, when she is not even curious to begin looking at the possibility of being free of this. I am tired of being the better person or the adult, treading on tip-toes. Thankfully God’s grace does not run out and He has more to supply. I just pray that my wife could have her eyes open to see how much damage her low self-esteem is having on our relationship and stop deflecting to protect something that should not be allowed to lie to her in the first place.
Hi Jay,
thankyou for your email. I hope writing that did help you to get some clarity for yourself. The act of writing is helpful when we are unable to talk to someone. I’m sorry you and your wife are in that space. It is a really difficult situation. Because it is not visibly unhealthy, we tend to put up with a relationship in this space because it is “not bad enough” to leave. Unfortunately, it is a slow decline and as you say, adjustments are made to make the situation safer or tolerable in the moment. Over time, we realise that our relationship is nothing like we originally thought we had or what we wanted. There is not an easy answer. I would encourage you to get therapy for yourself at the very least. Typically, in a situation like you describe, you tend to start to lose your own identity too and therapy can help you be you. It can help you get clarity as to what you want and your options. Maybe try couples counselling again? It is vital you have the right therapist for you and that can take some shopping around. Life doesn’t have to be lived like this for either or you. Self-esteem does not tend to correct itself without intervention either so that may be a consideration for you. Is it worth a good discussion with your wife, even if she gets upset, to try and get your relationship to a happy space?
Be kind to yourself, that is important.
Thank you for the advice, Sharon. It really did help me to get my feelings out. I decided to speak to my wife and confront her that our current situation is not healthy. I told her that I can’t tiptoe around her, although I understand I can’t be a bull in a china shop either. In a weird way it seemed to help her feel “safer”. I think me changing my behavior towards her now compared to our earlier years has contributed to her instability.
It is easy to forget the seriousness of low self esteem when the relationship is going well as I am not constantly plagued with the same thoughts that my wife battles with. I do have low self esteem in some areas, but I generally feel positive about myself and don’t fear disappointing people. I will try to keep a short account with my wife and regularly check up on how she is doing and what thoughts she is struggling with. She has at least admitted to having a serious battle with low self esteem so I think I am able to support her better.
For myself I will look for a therapist who can help me with my issues and also with coping with living with a spouse with low self esteem.
Many Thanks
Jay
Hi Sharon,
I’ve met this wonderful guy last August and we have so many things in common. Everything was amazing for a year and then I had to take a course and couldn’t give him so much attention for a month and he went on a crisis. He has crippling low sel-steem and ended up pushing me away. He said he didn’t feel anything for me anymore. He had already said that he was afraid of falling in love and committing and that he didn’t love himself at all.
I was always giving him compliments and lots of love. I’m very patient and we never had a fight during one year of relationship. It hurts me so much that he doesn’t believe we can be happy together. He had said before that he was doing more harm than good to me.
I guess the problem is that he doesn’t believe he can be happy and doesn’t know how to rececive love cause he doesn’t think he deserves it.
Anyway, long story short… he didn’t break up with me officially but we’re not communicating… it’s been a week and we used to talk every day. Maybe there’s nothing I can do. Just move on with my life. The guy recognizes that he needs help but doesn’t go to therapy.
So, do you think a person who goes to therapy can improve his or her self-esteem? Should I try to convince him to do that? Or the better decision is to leave him and protect my mental health?
Hi Ana, there isn’t a ‘right’ answer for what you should do. If you are invested enough in him, then it is your choice if you wish to try with him. Having said that, self-esteem is really important for a healthy relationship. The only way for him to really make serious change there would be therapy with the right person. Not all therapy is helpful, it can be hard to find the right fit. Many people with low self-esteem won’t try therapy unless they are forced. Not because they don’t want change, but because they don’t believe it is possible to feel better. If he doesn’t get help, then it will very likely be a difficult relationship for you going forward and may well have a negative impact on your self-esteem. If you can get him to try therapy, then you can see if that helps improve the relationship and make choices as you go along. It’s a hard road but hard also to watch someone you care about so much suffering when you know they don’t need to. Perhaps an open conversation with him?
I just came across this article thanks to Google. My wife has had low self esteem since I met her when she was age 40. This article was really helpful to me in understanding her sensitive nature and my need to be more careful with what I say.
I got very useful information about low self esteem. Thanks
Need a therapist to help with my low self esteem I am 78 retired and lost. My wife is good to me. And I fear losing her and our 45 year marriage
I’m sorry Howard, that must be awful for you. Reach out to a local therapist. They can help you find who you are again. It is often hard when we have a significant life change. Retiring is one of the hardest in my view.