This is a great question and one a client recently asked me. Most of us just assume we’re working on our relationship when things are going okay. When it’s not working, it’s easy to blame our partner.
But what if a healthy relationship is actually a learned skill? And who really takes the time to learn these skills before things fall apart? Not many people.
Think about it: a relationship asks a lot from us. We need good communication skills. We need to understand what makes our partner feel happy and supported. Many people assume they know these things without ever asking.
We also need time management skills to make sure there’s time for the relationship itself. It takes teamwork and compromise around finances too: how do we manage our money together in a way that works for both of us?
A healthy relationship also means we each need individual space and identity. It’s hard to maintain a strong connection with someone who has lost their sense of self.
It also requires patience. Have you developed that skill?
And, most importantly, a healthy relationship usually needs a mostly mentally healthy individual someone with self-insight, the ability to take responsibility, and a willingness to learn.
If you have children, your relationship also requires you to become a student of human behaviour and child development.
All of these things are learnable. But intention alone isn’t enough. We need to actually learn how to create a healthy relationship.
What Makes a Relationship Healthy?
Healthy relationships aren’t all the same they exist on a spectrum. What’s normal for one couple may be uncomfortable for another.
But here are some qualities I often see in strong, healthy relationships:
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Listening without defensiveness. You’re truly trying to understand what your partner is saying, rather than preparing your defence.
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Being your authentic self. You feel free to be who you are and your partner loves and supports that.
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Balancing individual and couple time. Each person has enough space to recharge as themselves, while also prioritising time for the relationship.
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Accepting differences. You might not always understand your partner’s needs, but you try to accept them anyway.
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Showing love daily. It’s not just about knowing you’re loved it’s about feeling it. Through small, consistent actions.
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Trust and honesty. You trust your partner, even when they’re running late. You trust they’ve got your back in the hard times.
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Emotional safety. You can talk openly, make mistakes, and still feel safe.
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Physical and sexual intimacy. There are no set rules here what matters is that both partners feel fulfilled and valued in this area.
A Story: What Healthy Can Look Like
Let me share a made-up story of Aria and Max.
Aria is extroverted. Max is introverted. Max encourages Aria to get the social connection she needs. She plays sport twice a week and sees her friends often. Max enjoys quiet time with his guitar. They respect and support each other’s needs.
They both make time for the relationship – organising dates, checking in with each other during the day, and setting aside time each week to really talk. When there’s conflict, they’ve learned how to listen, stay calm, and work through it together.
They express love in small ways: coffee in the morning, a thoughtful gift, cheering each other on. They’ve learned what the other needs and they meet in the middle. They are kind even in hard moments. They are friends, teammates, and each other’s cheerleaders.
Does it sound too perfect? Maybe. But relationships like this are real and they take effort, awareness, and a willingness to grow.
Not Quite There Yet?
If your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, that’s okay. Recognising something needs to change is the first step. With support, these skills can be learned.
Are you ready to create a healthier relationship?
As always, I’m here if you need.
Sharon Chapman
Affinity Counselling – Helping couples across the Hills District strengthen their relationships.