This is an interesting question and one that was posed recently by a client. Most of us just assume we are working in and on our relationship with our partner. When it works, we feel justified in what we are doing. When it doesn’t, we usually blame the other person.

What if, a healthy relationship is a learned skill? Who then actually takes the time to learn this skill? Not many of us really. Not until it isn’t working.

When you stop to think about it, a relationship requires us to know how to communicate well and so we need excellent communication skills. It also requires us to understand what makes our partner happy and we need to learn this. Most of us just assume that we already know this and don’t ask the questions to really get down to the basics of what makes your partner tick. We also need to learn time management which might sound strange but we need to always manage our time so there is time for the relationship.

Relationships require financial skills how do we manage our money together how do we find a way that works for both of us?

A relationship means we need to learn how to have our individual time and what that looks like. Too many people give up this part of themselves in a relationship and lose their identity. Hard to have a relationship with somebody who has lost their identity.

A relationship requires patience have you learned the skill of patience yet?

A relationship requires a mostly mentally healthy individual. Self-insight, the ability to take responsibility for your part in the relationship and a willingness to learn.

If you have children, then your relationship requires you to learn how to raise a human and become an expert in human behaviour.

All of these skills and many more are required to have a healthy relationship and yet none of us see that our intentions are not enough. We need to learn the skill of how to have a healthy relationship.

So, we get back to the question of what makes a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships can be many things and in fact for me it seems to be on a spectrum where parts that wouldn’t be tolerable for one couple are very comfortable for another. For example, some couples are happy to have raised voices and solve arguments in the moment with elevated volumes and this works for them. Other couples would be horrified by this form of communication and would see this as a bad relationship.

These are some of the things I see in healthy relationships:

• The ability to listen to your partner without reacting defensively or attacking. To actually listen for what your partner is trying to say and hear what they need. Listening to learn, not listening to react.
• Knowing who you are and being your authentic self. And, having your partner celebrate who you are. Do you get to be yourself in your relationship?
• This is super important and is very subjective to every individual and every couple. Do you have enough individual time to fill up on who you are? Is the relationship being given priority in daily life and given the time it needs?
• This is not something we do well. Usually if we don’t get it, if it doesn’t make sense to us, then we don’t accept it. Often, we just need to accept something about our partner or a need they have.
• Well obviously. But there is a big difference between knowing your partner loves you and feeling loved by your partner. Do you even know what makes your partner feel loved? The tiny little things that make a difference in them feeling loved by you. Show love. Every single day.
• Honesty and trust. What does this look like? It means you trust your partner if they are home late that they aren’t doing something bad. You trust that your partner will do the right thing for you and the relationship. You trust that you will be there for each other in the bad moments. You can go through each other’s phone any time you need but you never need to.
• You feel safe. Safe physically is a given. But also, safe to talk about anything you need to and safe to make mistakes in the relationship.
• Physical and sexual intimacy. No set rules here on the quantity of these things. The quality matters but also you both need to feel there is enough for you to feel loved. Couples can have very different needs and a healthy relationship we care about what our partner needs and work together to make sure both people are happy in this area.

These are some of the areas that you need to check in on and see if you have them covered.

An example of a healthy relationship. This is a pretend story with Aria and Max.

Aria is extroverted and loves to be around people. Max is more introverted, and work fills him up for the most part for his social needs. Max knows Aria needs more social time and encourages her to do what she needs so she can still be her. She plays organised sports twice a week, sees her girlfriends once a week and will usually stay at work for a function once a fortnight. Max will go and watch her play her sports sometimes and cheer her on. Max enjoys the quiet time at home playing his guitar and chatting to friends about music. Aria will sit with him sometimes when he is playing and just keep him company. Both organise different dates and experiences to share. Aria plans camping trips knowing that is what Max loves and Max will organise a night in the city for them to see a show together as he knows she loves that.

They are busy with work but check in with each other during the day via text to let each other know they are thinking about them. If someone has an accident, the other drops everything and goes to help. They are each other’s first priority when things are difficult.

Aria is very affectionate and Max not so much, but he has learned what she likes and will snuggle with her in bed before they go to sleep. Aria then lets him have his space, knowing he loves her but likes to sleep in space.

Most evenings they will try and have a chat about their day and download to each other. If they can’t, they will still check in. They make dedicated time once a week to really have a good catchup. At this time, they let each other know the small things that have bothered them. They have become good at listening and getting curious to work out how to navigate whatever the issue is, so they have a good outcome for the relationship.

Max is really into his fitness. He gets up early for a run and Aria accepts his alarm will wake her too but it is important to him, so she doesn’t complain about it. Max makes Aria a cup of coffee when he gets back from his run and has it waiting for her when she gets up.

They are both looking out for things that will make the other happy. They think about each other a lot. Aria will buy him a new piece of music equipment she knows he has had his eye on but didn’t get around to buying. Max knows Aria loves her nights with her friends and will suggest she go out and he will pick her up later.

They are good friends.

They accept each other. They are each other’s cheerleader. They get to be them. They feed the relationship every day in small ways. They communicate well around anything that comes up in their relationship.

They are always kind to each other, even when they feel hurt.

This is one variation on a healthy relationship. These relationships typically don’t just occur with no effort. Healthy relationships take work.

This relationship might sound make believe but it is completely possible. It takes personal growth and awareness and the desire to learn about your relationship and practice the relationship skills until they become habit.

If you read this and realise that your relationship might not be as healthy as it could be, don’t despair. Acknowledging that change is needed is the first step.

Are you ready to create a healthy relationship?

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman.