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    2Aug, 2021
    How can low self- esteem affect the adolescent?

    Low self-esteem

    Those of you who have worked with me or are familiar with the work I do, would know that I put a lot of focus on self-esteem. For individuals, in relationships and of course nurturing this in our kids and teens. Self-esteem impacts every area of our lives. Often the first time we see signs that our self-esteem is low, is during the teen years. In this article, I want to talk about some of the signs I see in teens that show healthy self-esteem, and some of the symptoms that may show they need help.

    So, what are some of the signs of healthy self-esteem in our teens?

    • The ability to form friendships and interact with their peers reasonably comfortably. School puts this under the spotlight as kids work to fit in and form relationships
    • Dealing with minor challenges in life comfortably
    • Engaging in hobbies and activities
    • Having a mostly healthy view of their physical self

    These are just some things we would expect to see in our teens with healthy self-esteem. It is not a definitive list, but look for these things to ensure they are tracking well.

    Now let’s look at some of the signs of low self-esteem in this age group.

    • Having difficulty making or keeping friendships or peer relationships
    • Holding back from volunteering answers or participating in class
    • Not owning their achievements or downplaying them
    • Isolating themselves from others, sometimes including at home (although healthy teens do like their bedrooms also!)
    • Being angry at things that shouldn’t normally incite anger
    • Hearing a negative message from others when it wasn’t in fact negative
    • Being overly judgemental of others
    • Blaming others for their own mistakes or problems
    • Negative moods. Often taken out on family and peers
    • Poor self-image. Sometimes masked through makeup, controlled eating or exercising
    • Being promiscuous. Having sexual encounters that aren’t appropriate or with someone they don’t care for
    • Difficulty accepting compliments
    • Trying to be a perfectionist, or conversely, not trying at all
    • Fear of failure, above what would be expected at this age
    • For girls, wearing a lot of makeup to leave the home
    • Making a statement by dressing in outlandish outfits to act as though they don’t care about fitting in
    • Using alcohol and drugs
    • Being overly sulky
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Cutting

    As you can see, the list of potential signs of low self-esteem is long and varied. Some of the things may well be normal and a part of the adolescent experience and growth. It can be difficult to see immediately, if it is normal teen behaviour, or low self-esteem at play. I often speak with parents who contact me for their teens for behavioural issues, they believe they have a teen who is simply acting out and adhering to the ‘typical difficult teen’ we all hear about. Usually when I start working with these kids, it becomes apparent pretty quickly, that the behaviours are a result of low self-esteem, they are negative coping mechanisms they have drawn on to stay safe.

    Client case adapted to ensure privacy and confidentiality:

    I worked with a young lady, 14, who was rude to her family, sulky, disrespectful to teachers and had few friends. The friends she did have, she didn’t treat very well. When she met me, she was angry and dismissive of counselling. Her Mum was used to her behaving like that and put it down to her being a difficult teen. It was only when they discovered she had started drinking and was having sex, that they decided something needed to be done and contacted me.

    To the outside world, this girl was just not a nice person. Her Mum kept apologising to me for how rude she was when we would meet (this confirmed to this girl that she was a big problem). When she finally decided she could trust me and she opened up, we discovered that her self-esteem was very low. She had been acting as she had so that people wouldn’t see how terrified she was that she wasn’t as good as other kids. All her behaviours were about trying to stay safe and fit in. In a very odd way, but she was trying to show she didn’t care. When she realised that these behaviours meant people didn’t like her for those, she was stuck and couldn’t back track without losing face. She then dug her heels in and took on even more poor decisions.

    Inside, the truth was, she really believed she was ugly and stupid and thought her parents didn’t love her as much as her siblings. With her behaviours she had dug herself a hole and couldn’t find a way out. (After finishing our counselling work, she is a happy, well adjusted teen with healthy self-esteem and way easier to parent as a result).

    This is pretty typical of what I see although the symptoms are varied. I do find that parents tend to reach out when the behaviours are impacting others in a negative way. Often the problem is not seen if the teen presents them in towards themselves. If you see a number of these symptoms in your teen, then it is worthwhile looking at to see what is going on underneath in that adolescent brain.

    Being a teen is hard work. We have all been there. It is a time where we are trying to work out how we fit it, who we are, navigate school, home, exams, hormones and expectations, all with a brain that is still growing and developing.

    If throughout this journey, our self-esteem is healthy, then we have an easier time of this task. If it isn’t, then we can create some negative coping mechanisms that we may well take into adulthood with us.

    One of the best gifts you can give your child is helping them, either yourself or with the help of a professional, to have a healthy self-esteem so life is that little bit easier to navigate and they can be their authentic self.

     

    2Apr, 2020
    How to Survive Lockdown with your family

    Life as we know it, with the Coronavirus, has changed for all of us and as humans, we aren’t great at change. For most of us, we struggle to adapt quickly and accept the changes. What we are all living through now is confronting on many levels.

    For most of us, we find ourselves confined in our homes with our families, or even worse perhaps, alone, and we need to employ some strategies to support our mental health. Already I am hearing from clients about the individual challenges they are facing being confined in their homes. These are some ideas that might help you and your family cope well with this strange way of living.

    1. Change the rules. Effective homes run on routine and rules. Since we can no longer run our homes around schooling, sports and outings, we need to redefine the rules. To take the pressure off parents, take a step back. Soften your rules on gaming and screen time, allow kids to play longer or chat to friends online. It may not be ideal but it ca be corrected when life goes back to normal. Doing this allows parents to relax a little more and helps keep kids occupied. Now is not the time to stress about perfect rules.
    2. Try and keep a new routine and schedule. Schools are trying to conduct home schooling as much as possible. Get your kids out of bed for school time, have breakfast, get dressed and do the school work. Don’t stress if you aren’t a math’s expert, you’re not alone, simply do your best and set some sort of schooling routine.
    3. Change focus and set this time as positive family time. Never in our lives have we been in this situation and we can find some positives if we look for them. Pull out the board games, set up a treasure hunt, set up your tent in the backyard on the weekend if you have that option. Dye the kid’s hair, give yourself a funny hair cut (or maybe just the kids!!), do some family drawings, keep a family journal of this time. One day our kids will look back on this time, let the have some fun stuff to recount. Let your imagination go and create some great memories.
    4. Accept that at some stage people are going to get on each other’s nerves. Have a plan for this. If you can, set aside a different room for people to use as a timeout room. Try and make use of the space in your home in a different way. The garage can be a great place to throw a chair in, put some music on and read a book, if that is the only space you can get. Be respectful of each person needing their own time.
    5. Plan family functions in the home. Set up a family video chat over dinner with another family and have a good laugh at what is happening in your home in this strange time. Set your kids up to have online chats with their friends. Adults arrange a girls or guys night online. Zoom and Houseparty are great apps that support us doing this. No, it isn’t the same but you are creating history here and we have no choice so get creative.
    6. For partners, have a date night. Pick a room, set the kids up with a movie in another room and go on your date. Get dressed up!! Have some fun in your home with your partner. Who knows? Maybe you’ll create a great new habit that you’ll take into the world at the end of this.
    7. Expect this to be hard at times. Call a friend, take time for yourself, or call a counselling service. This is what we do, it’s what we are good at. No we haven’t lived this situation either but we are great at listening and helping others get clarity in their lives. Already I have had a few clients call me distressed and end up feeling excited at the end of the call about what they can do with this time.
    8. Try and keep younger kids away from the constant news flow. We don’t want to create problems for ourselves and scared kids is a problem we don’t want. Share with them the basics at an age appropriate level and assure them the adults are dealing with it and they are safe.
    9. As I write this, we are still able to go for a walk so take advantage of this. Getting the kids out once a day can have a big impact on the rest of the day. A quick run around the block with them is all that is needed to break the home cycle. Make it fun. Challenge them to look for all the red doors or all of the pink flowers. It can be an amazing way to connect with our kids. The world has forced us to slow down and smell the flowers so let’s do just that.
    10. Be kind. Some family members will find this easier than others. Be respectful of each other’s needs. Talk about it at dinner. Ask each person what the hardest thing is for them or what the best thing is. Keep communication about this open. Often being heard can be enough to feel calmer.

    I am a parent and am locked in with my kids. There are moments when I wonder how we will survive this for a long period, but mostly I am trying to embrace the fact that I have been given an opportunity to spend time with my family and I am forced to try and make this fun for all of us. My hope is that when they recount this time to their kids one day, that they’ll remember this as a hard time but great family time too!

    Good luck, stay safe.

    20May, 2019
    Is your therapist right for you?
    Is your therapist right for you?sw

    Taking a first step into the world of therapy can be really daunting for most people.

    Who to pick?

    Will it help?

    Will they judge me?

    Is my problem big enough?

    What will happen in the session?

    These are just some of the questions people ask themselves when they are having their first therapy session. It can be really difficult to take that first step to see a therapist. Trying to work out where to start looking for the right person can be intimidating.

    Therapy, whatever form, can be a wonderful thing that can improve life in many ways. But there are certain things that matter when choosing a therapist. It isn’t what people initially think.

    What Qualifications?

    Most people get caught up in whether they should be seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Counsellor. This matters and is the starting point only. A quick breakdown then of what each of these do.

    Psychiatrist – A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has completed a medical degree and then gone on to do further study of mental health. They specialise in diagnosis and treatment of mental illness and can prescribe medication. A good for for diagnosable mental health conditions and serious intervention or treatment.

    Psychologist – A Psychologist has a degree and works with mental health problems and human behaviour. They can diagnose, use talk therapy, provide testing for various issues and help treat behavioural problems. Psychologists don’t prescribe medication.

    Counsellor – A Counsellor has either a degree or diploma. They are trained to give guidance with individuals to help navigate life’s problems. They also work with relationships to help learn skills to get and maintain a healthy relationship.  Counsellors do not diagnose. They may work in tandem with a general practitioner to provide overall help for a client who may benefit from medication.

    There is often an overlap between the 3 roles which makes it confusing for people to find the right person to work with. As a starting point, if you have a general practitioner that you trust, this is the first point to ask who they believe might assist you. However, Mental Health Plans can only be used with Psychiatrists and Psychologists so they often won’t refer to counsellors. 

    Generally, from there, if they believe that a Psychiatrist is required, that is where you begin your journey on exploring help options. If they suggest a Psychologist then a Psychologist or Counsellor may be suitable for you – IF – they are experienced in the area you need help in. Just as counsellors are not trained in many mental health conditions, many psychologists are not trained in relationship work.

    The education matters.

    The person themselves matters more.

    The Therapist

    The most important thing that matters in picking a therapist, is that you connect with them, that you like them.

    At that first session, YOU are interviewing THEM!!! Yes, you are in charge. You are paying for a service, make sure you are happy with it. There is no mystery in therapy. As therapists, our role is to help you.

    You absolutely need someone who is trained and experienced in what you would like to talk about. But, and this is the tricky bit, the training and the experience will only work if they are good at what they do as a human being. And if they are the right fit for you.

    Imagine if you will, a primary school teacher. This person has done the degree, done extra courses, is incredibly qualified. You can practically wallpaper your walls in their education. But you, as a child, don’t like them, don’t connect with them. You won’t have a great experience and won’t learn as much. Imagine now another teacher with the same qualifications but this teacher gets you, they seem to understand you, they know how to work with you. You are going to have a good year and learn a lot.

    So too this relates to therapy. Therapy is an interpersonal experience. Yes, your therapist needs to be trained and experienced but you also need to relate to them and like them to get the most out of it.

    As a starting point, find someone who seems to have training and experience in what you need and then do one session. If you like them and feel they are a good fit, awesome, keep going! If you don’t feel it is quite right, stop. Shop around. Start over. Yes, it is a pain to tell your story over again but it is so worth it to find that right person to work with.

    Many years ago, I was in the position of needing therapy to help me and I had no idea of who to work with (this was a long time ago before I became a counsellor). I initially worked with a really, really qualified therapist. He was top of the field in the area he worked in. I hated every moment of the session. In my opinion, he knew the theory, but he was really bad at the job. It was memorably one of the worst experiences I had ever had. I walked away disillusioned. I thought therapy was useless and a waste of time. If that was the best there was then what was the point?

    Then a friend told me of a counsellor who worked a bit of a distance away but that she really liked. No where as near qualified as the therapist I had used. I figured I had nothing to lose and went to see her. Very reluctantly but I went. That was one of the best turning points in my life and worth the travel. She got me. She seemed to really be invested in the work we were doing. This counsellor wasn’t just working out of a book, she had life experience. I felt connected and safe with her and for the first time in my life I opened up.

    That was the start of big change for me and I still remember those sessions and the changes that came from them. I credit that lady and those sessions with me learning a lot about myself.

    From my experiences, both positive and negative, I shaped how I work as a counsellor. I do what I would have liked as a client. For many people I am that person that they finally connect with. But I am not a fit for everyone and that is ok too. I tell my clients that in the first session. Learn in that session if you like me and connect with me. Otherwise shop around.

    You are the expert in YOU. Trust your instinct!

    Learn a bit more about Sharon or Book a session now.