In any relationship, communication is incredibly important. In romantic relationships, communication takes on a deeper emotional meaning and is often harder to get right than in other areas of life.
One of the simplest yet most powerful tools we have is the word “sorry.” But when you add a “but” after it, the apology can lose its meaning entirely.
At Affinity Counselling, I often work with couples who are trying to repair a small issue, only to find it quickly escalates into something bigger.
A common reason? Apologies that come with conditions. If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, but I was just tired,” or “I’m sorry, but you made me feel that way,” you’re not alone. These kinds of statements can feel more like blame than a true apology.
Why “But” Cancels Out an Apology
When you say “sorry, but…” you’re shifting the focus away from taking responsibility and toward defending your actions. Instead of owning your part, it can sound like you’re blaming your partner even when that’s not your intention.
Genuine apologies are powerful because they show empathy, accountability, and emotional maturity. A simple, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” with no added explanation, allows your partner to feel heard and respected. This creates the kind of safe emotional space that healthy relationships thrive on.
How to Say Sorry the Right Way
If you want to improve communication in your relationship, here are a few simple tips for making a meaningful apology:
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Be specific – Say exactly what you’re sorry for. For example: “I’m sorry I snapped at you during dinner.”
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Don’t justify – Leave out the “but.” If there’s context that needs explaining, save it for later. Acknowledge the hurt first.
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Stay present – Focus on your partner’s feelings, not just the situation.
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Follow through – A sincere apology includes a willingness to do things differently in the future.
Why This Matters in Couples Counselling
A big part of marriage and couples counselling is helping both partners feel seen, heard, and understood. Learning to communicate without defensiveness is a huge step toward building trust and emotional safety in your relationship.
And yes sometimes in therapy we spend weeks learning how to give a proper apology! It’s more difficult than it sounds. Many people struggle to say “sorry” without trying to explain or justify themselves. But learning this small skill can make a big difference.
You Can Learn Better Communication
If you and your partner often find yourselves stuck in the same arguments, it might be time to work on your communication. Good communication isn’t just about talking it’s about connection.
At Affinity Counselling, I help couples build stronger relationships by learning how to listen, speak honestly, and take emotional responsibility. Learning how to say sorry (without the “but”) is a great place to start.
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
Have a read of 7 Traits that Promote a Healthy Relationship or book a couple’s therapy session today at and let’s get started.
As always, here if you need.