In any relationship, communication is super important. In our romantic relationships, communication takes on a different emotional meaning and is often harder to get right than in any other relationship.

One of the simplest but most important tools we have is the word “sorry.” But adding a “but” after it can undo the entire apology.

At Affinity Counselling, I often see couples trying to repair a minor issue or misunderstanding and it blows up into something much larger.

A common reason for this? Apologies that come with conditions. If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, but I was just tired,” or “I’m sorry, but you made me feel that way,” you’re not alone. These kinds of statements feel more like deflections than true apologies.

The “but” cancels out the apology.

Why “But” Cancels an Apology

When you add “but” after saying sorry, it changes the focus. Instead of owning your part in the situation, it shifts blame onto your partner or the circumstances. It often sounds to the other person that you are coming up with excuses and not taking responsibility. It can make your partner feel unheard or dismissed although that usually isn’t the intention.

Genuine apologies are powerful because they show empathy and accountability. Saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” without explanation, allows your partner to feel validated and respected. This simple acknowledgement creates a foundation for a healthy conversation.

How to Say Sorry the Right Way

Want to improve communication in your relationship? Here are a few tips for meaningful apologies:

• Be specific – Say what you’re sorry for (“I’m sorry I snapped at you during dinner.”)
• Don’t justify – Leave out the “but.” You can explain later, once the hurt has been acknowledged. The order of this is crucial.
• Stay present – Focus on how your partner feels, not just what happened.
• Follow through – A sincere apology includes a commitment to do better if that is required.

Why This Matters in Marriage and Couples Counselling

One of the key goals in couples counselling is helping both partners feel heard and understood. Learning to communicate with empathy and without defensiveness builds trust. Learning the art of healthy communication, starting with something as simple (and as hard!) as a real apology.

It sounds so simple, but the reality is, sometimes in couples counselling sessions we can spend weeks trying to navigate the simple art of saying sorry in a healthy way. It’s also very common. Not too many of us feel secure enough in ourselves to simply say “sorry” and not explain ourselves.

You Can Learn Better Communication

If you and your partner often find yourselves stuck in arguments that go in circles, it might be time to get some help. Good communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about connection. I work with couples every day to build stronger relationships through honest, respectful conversation.

Getting rid of the “sorry, but” statement is a good place to start.

Feeling stuck in your communication?
To read more on healthy communication in your relationship, have a look at this article, How Do You Communicate Better With Your Partner?

Or book a couple’s therapy session today at affinitycounselling.com.au and let’s get started.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman