One of the things I notice is that when a romantic relationship ends and we are grieving that ending, we focus on all the wonderful things in that relationship. I see this firsthand in marriage counselling.

A couple presents for marriage counselling, they have a list of things that bother them (completely normal, that’s why they’re coming to see me!) and sometimes, they are questioning whether they want the relationship at all. On occasion, one person will end the relationship with little notice and then what I hear, is the wonderful parts of the relationship and their partner from the grieving partner.

Now while this is also completely normal and part of grieving the relationship (and a truly horrible place to be), I wonder why we don’t focus on all of these wonderful things while we are in the relationship? Perhaps then our relationship would be a healthy relationship.

Our brains are wired to look out for the negatives. It is how we keep ourselves safe. We do this everywhere. When we are driving, we are watching out for potential problems. Bush walking, we are watching for snakes and spiders, amongst enjoying the scenery. Even walking down the street, we usually have an awareness of any potential problems.

This is all wonderful and keeps us safe for the most part. But in a relationship, it is damaging. It’s hard to enjoy a relationship when you are focused on what isn’t great about it.

All of us can look at our relationship and find issues with both it and our partner. Below is an example of some typical things I hear from people.

Focusing on the Negatives:

• Always late home
• Messy with clothes in the bedroom
• Doesn’t give any input for what is for dinner
• Doesn’t always listen well
• Not good at planning
• Lazy with housework
• Snores

You get the idea, there are lots of little things that bother us in our relationships. But if all I do is focus on the above list, 2 things will happen. I will feel unhappy in the relationship, how can I not, I keep telling myself all the problems? I won’t put in as much effort in the relationship as it feels negative so the relationship won’t be as healthy as it can be.

Now if I take these negatives and look for the positive that comes with it as well as other small things I take for granted in the relationship, it might look like this.

Focusing on the Positives:

• Doesn’t care if I am messy
• Is really easygoing with meals and doesn’t complain even when it’s toast for dinner!
• Completely accepting of how the house is run and how it looks. Doesn’t even mind the purple wall I really want!
• Doesn’t care if I get stuck talking to a friend and arrive late.
• Is spontaneous and fun, because he doesn’t make plans.
• Works really hard to provide financially even though I don’t need that, the intent is to care.
• Is super loyal.
• Doesn’t care if I read late at night (while he’s snoring!).
• Is supportive of anything I want to do.
• Will always take my phone call at work even when he’s busy.

Now this positive list isn’t going to set the world on fire with feelings of love and romance. But, if I keep telling myself all of these positives, 2 things are going to happen. I am going to feel content in my relationship and I will likely put more effort into the relationship, thereby creating a healthy relationship.

Of course there are other things needed to create a healthy relationship, but a great starting point is to stop focusing on the negatives and start focusing on the positives.

If your partner left you tomorrow, what would you miss about them? What would you be seeking in a new relationship that you had in this one? What are you taking for granted in your partner and your relationship right now?

My suggestion? Start writing a list of all the things you love or appreciate in your partner, all the positives. Also include the positives as you see them in your relationship. Add to this list. Actively look for these things. Keep this list on your phone or somewhere handy. Look at it often. Then the next time something small bothers you in your relationship, pull this list up and read through it. Remind your brain of what it isn’t noticing in that moment.

Want to learn more about Healthy Relationships, have a look at other articles I’ve written including What does a healthy relationship look like.

As always, here if you need.

Sharon Chapman