One of the interesting things I often see in marriage counselling is how couples view their relationships once they’re over. When a relationship ends, especially if one partner didn’t see it coming, we tend to focus on all the wonderful things that were part of it the connection, the shared laughs, the thoughtful gestures. It’s a natural part of grieving, but it makes me wonder: why don’t we focus on those positives while we’re still in the relationship?
Why It’s Easier to See the Good When It’s Gone
In sessions, couples often come in with a list of complaints or frustrations (which is totally normal that’s usually why they’re seeking help). Sometimes, one partner is even questioning whether the relationship is worth continuing. But if the relationship ends, it’s not long before I hear about all the great things they’re suddenly missing.
And while this grief is a hard space to be in, it highlights something really important the positives were always there, we just weren’t paying attention to them.
Our Brains Are Wired for Negativity
The human brain is amazing at spotting danger. It’s part of how we stay safe. We scan for risks while driving, bushwalking, or even just walking down the street. We’re wired to look out for problems and that includes in our relationships.
The problem is, when we’re always scanning for what’s wrong with our partner or the relationship, we stop noticing what’s good. And that can quietly erode the connection we once enjoyed.
Common Relationship Gripes
Here are some of the typical things I hear from clients:
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Always late home
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Messy with clothes
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Doesn’t help plan meals
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Doesn’t listen well
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Not a planner
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Lazy with housework
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Snores
Now, if this is all I focus on, two things will likely happen:
- I’ll feel unhappy in the relationship because I’m constantly telling myself what’s wrong.
- I’ll probably stop putting in effort because it all feels too negative.
Shifting the Lens: What’s Right in Your Relationship?
What if we balanced out those frustrations with the positives? Here’s how that might look:
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Doesn’t care if I’m messy
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Easygoing with meals and never complains, even if it’s just toast for dinner
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Happy with how the house looks even the purple wall I love (I did have a purple wall at one stage, much to my families horror!)
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Patient when I get caught up talking to friends
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Spontaneous and fun, because he doesn’t plan everything
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Works hard to provide which is his way of caring
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Super loyal
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Doesn’t mind if I read in bed (while he’s snoring!)
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Supports anything I want to do
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Always answers my calls, even when he’s busy
This list might not sound wildly romantic, but if I keep focusing on these things, I’ll likely feel more content and more inclined to put energy back into the relationship. And that’s what helps create a healthy partnership.
Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late
If your partner left tomorrow, what would you miss about them?
What would you want again in your next relationship that you already had in this one?
What are you taking for granted right now?
A Simple Practice to Shift Your Perspective
Start a list. Yep, just a simple list of things you love or appreciate about your partner and your relationship. Add to it often. Keep it somewhere handy, in your phone, journal, or even on the fridge. When something annoys you, take a breath, pull out that list, and remind your brain what it’s not seeing in that moment.
It’s a small habit that can have a big impact.
If you want to explore more on what makes a strong relationship, take a look at What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like.
As always, here if you need.
Warmly,
Sharon Chapman
Marriage Counsellor – Affinity Counselling