If you’ve worked with me before, you’ll know that self-esteem is one of the main areas I support people with. It’s something I’ve been passionate about for decades. Helping people discover who they really are and learn to like that person brings me so much fulfillment.
One of the saddest things I see is how many people know they have low self-esteem, but believe it can’t be changed. They learn to live with a negative view of themselves, thinking this is just who they are. But that can trap them in a life that doesn’t really fit, making it hard to feel genuinely happy. Even worse, many people blame themselves for how they feel.
Let me say this clearly:
It is not your fault.
Our self-esteem forms throughout childhood and adolescence. During this time, our brains are still developing, and we’re shaped by the adults around us, our experiences, and our environment. We don’t navigate that stage of life with a fully developed adult brain. Instead, we’re reacting, absorbing, and learning who we are through what happens to and around us.
Parenting, home life, mentors, school experiences, and social interactions all influence how we see ourselves. Some of it helps build us up. Some of it chips away at us.
That mix – along with our personality – forms our internal self-view.
So, no, you didn’t choose low self-esteem.
You are not responsible for how your self-esteem was formed.
But here’s what matters now:
As an adult, you are responsible for changing it.
That doesn’t mean fixing it alone. Others can support you, but they can’t do the internal work for you. You get to decide:
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Stay within the limits that low self-esteem has set
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Live life feeling powerless and unhappy
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Or, seek support and discover who you truly are so you can live a life that fits
It’s not fair that we have to do this work. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it.
Even just knowing that change is possible can be powerful. Sometimes we’re not ready to dive in and change everything and that’s okay. You might settle into a safe or comfortable version of life for now. But when you’re ready, you can take the next step.
Many people try to improve self-esteem through books or podcasts. These are great tools to get you started, but I’ve found that real change often needs more. When your core beliefs about yourself are deeply negative, you may need someone else to help challenge and shift that thinking.
Counselling can help you:
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Recognise unhelpful beliefs
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Learn to replace them
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Feel in control again
People often come to counselling for other reasons anxiety, anger, relationship issues, feeling stuck, addiction, or depression and together we discover that low self-esteem is part of the deeper issue. That’s when we start the real work.
Self-esteem work isn’t an overnight fix.
Some changes happen quickly. Others take more time. But what I see over and over again is that once someone begins, the relief of making progress becomes a powerful motivator. Even those who were hesitant often start to look forward to sessions.
So if you’re struggling with low self-worth, please remember:
It isn’t your fault it started. But it is your responsibility to change it.
As always, here if you need.
Sharon Chapman