This case study is based on my work with a real couple. Some personal and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.
This couple from Castle Hill came to see me after around 15 years together. They were in their late 30’s/early 40’s, had two primary-school-aged children and were both working.
Their story was one I hear often.
They had met, fallen in love, travelled, socialised, enjoyed weekends away and had a lot of fun together. Then came children, work, a mortgage, swimming lessons, sport and all the logistics involved in raising a family.
Nothing had deliberately gone wrong. Their relationship had simply stopped being a priority.
He still had a hobby that gave him something outside work and family life, although he didn’t get to do it as often as he once had. She had gradually given up most of the things she used to do for herself. This hadn’t been a conscious decision. Looking after everyone else had simply become more important, and over time there was very little left that was just hers.
“We’re more like friends”
By the time they came to couples counselling, their home functioned reasonably well. They were good parents. They were still friends. They still cared about each other.
But they felt increasingly disconnected.
Small issues could suddenly become big arguments. Neither felt heard. Both felt they were making an effort, and both felt the other person wasn’t seeing it.
Their sexual relationship had also reduced considerably.
For him, physical intimacy was one of the main ways he experienced connection with his wife. After feeling rejected repeatedly, he had largely stopped initiating.
For her, the problem worked in the opposite direction. She didn’t feel emotionally connected, so moving towards physical intimacy felt uncomfortable and unnatural.
They had become stuck: he needed physical connection to feel closer, while she needed to feel closer before physical connection felt possible.
The first session
My first session with a couple is about understanding the relationship as a whole, not simply focusing on the problem that brought them through the door.
We talked about how they met, what they had once enjoyed together, family life, individual interests, time as a couple, sexual intimacy and how they handled disagreements.
I also asked them to describe what happened when they fought – how an argument started, what each person did next and how it usually ended and also how they repaired if at all.
Importantly, we also identified what was still working.
They still loved each other. There was respect. There was kindness. They still sought each other out. And both genuinely wanted the relationship to work.
They hadn’t lost the relationship. They had lost some of the skills and habits that helped them protect it.
We agreed that our work would focus on three main areas: learning to manage conflict and raise small issues before resentment built; rebuilding connection and making the couple relationship a priority alongside parenting; and restoring some balance and individual identity within the relationship.
Starting with the conflict
We began with weekly sessions because their conflict had become the most pressing issue. For most couples this weekly work gives us a good start and creates a sense of safety in the relationship, knowing they have counselling as a safety net while they start learning new skills.
As they joined one of our early Zoom sessions, I could immediately see there was tension between them. They explained that they’d just had an argument before the session started, which gave us something very real and current to work with. This can be really helpful and again, it is a moment where counselling creates safety.
Together we explored what had happened and looked at how the argument started, what each person did next, where things began to escalate and the point at which they stopped really hearing each other.
From there, we put some deliberate tools in place to interrupt their usual conflict cycle. This argument would have left them both feeling disconnected, the work we did that day created a sense of knowledge and connection between them.
We began working on how to raise smaller issues safely, how to hear something negative without immediately becoming defensive, and how to make sure both people felt heard.
The following week, they hadn’t magically mastered everything. I didn’t expect them to.
Changing a pattern that has developed over years takes practice. We looked at what had worked, where they’d become stuck and what they could do differently the next time.
Then they went home and practised again.
Over the following weeks, small wins began appearing. They caught themselves earlier. They started using the tools more naturally. Arguments became easier to stop and resolve.
Rebuilding the relationship
Once the conflict was becoming more manageable, we turned our attention towards connection.
We explored what actually made each of them feel loved and connected and what needed to happen regularly for their relationship to feel like a relationship again, rather than simply a household and parenting partnership.
At first they struggled to identify these things on more than a superficial level but once they tuned in to themselves and each other, they had fun with this exercise. They came up with some great things that would work for their relationship.
At the next session when they shared this with me, the interesting part was how quickly they could also give me all the reasons they couldn’t do those things.
The children needed this. Work needed that. There wasn’t enough time.
So part of our work became getting creative and a focus was redirected to the relationship being a priority.
Children inevitably take up an enormous amount of time and energy, but a relationship cannot survive indefinitely on whatever time is left over. We looked for realistic ways of putting the couple back into their own family structure rather than waiting for life to become less busy.
We also worked on individuality. His interests didn’t need to be viewed as taking something away from the family. She could support him having something that mattered to him.
At the same time, she needed to rediscover something that belonged to her. Not as a mother, wife or business owner, but simply as herself.
From weekly to fortnightly
After four weekly sessions, there was a noticeable change.
They were warmer towards each other. They were more hopeful. They were beginning to trust that the relationship could feel different. They were laughing with each other, I could see the energy between them was more relaxed. They made better eye contact, there was more genuine curiosity.
One of the more interesting changes was his attitude towards counselling.
Initially, he hadn’t particularly wanted to come. He was respectful and willing to give it a go because it mattered to his wife, but he wasn’t convinced marriage counselling would be useful.
That changed in a big way. He began looking forward to the sessions and prioritising them around a demanding job. On one occasion when work unexpectedly needed him, rather than miss the appointment he stepped out at lunchtime and joined our Zoom session from his car.
At this point I can see that they are making the relationship a priority and I suggested we move from weekly to fortnightly sessions. They felt safe enough with the changes to step into that willingly.
This is an important part of how I work. I don’t want couples dependent on counselling. I want them using the skills themselves.
The longer gap allowed us to see what held up without weekly support, what slipped and what still needed work.
Moving into monthly sessions
As the changes continued to hold, we moved the sessions out again.
We now meet monthly. Their relationship isn’t perfect, nor is that the goal. Things still come up. Occasionally an old pattern reappears or they’ll realise they’ve stopped using one of the tools we practised.
But now they notice it. Sometimes my job is simply to say, “Remember that skill we worked on?”
And they’ll laugh and say, “We forgot about that.”
Then they go back and use it.
They’ve also told me that the ongoing sessions create a useful sense of accountability. Of course, they aren’t accountable to me personally, the relationship belongs to them. But knowing that we’re going to check in on what they agreed to work on helps keep those things on their radar.
It makes it harder for the relationship to quietly slip back to the bottom of the priority list.
At this stage, we’re no longer doing the intensive work we were doing at the beginning. We’re consolidating the changes, reinforcing the skills and turning them into habits that can survive the next stages of family life.
They’re beginning to trust themselves to deal with problems when they arise rather than seeing every disagreement as evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with their relationship.
Perhaps the biggest change is in the way they talk about their future.
The question is no longer:
“Will our relationship work?”
They’re now talking about how to protect a relationship they expect to have for the rest of their lives.
We will use these monthly sessions to tidy up areas that get exposed as needing some attention. We will ensure healthy habits are being created. In a couple of sessions it is likely I will hand them the last skill to keep an eye on their relationship and wish them well for the future.
While the regular sessions will stop, they know that I am always here if they get stuck but my expectation is that they won’t need me and that is pretty awesome.
As always, here if you need.
Marriage and couples counselling in the Hills District.