Why Do We Keep Having the Same Arguments?
Many couples are coming to couples counselling and tell me that the main reason they are seeking support is because they find themselves having the same arguments over and over and don’t know how to get out of that cycle.
The subject might be different or it may be the same themes over and over. It might be about the kids but the time before it was money. Before that it was housework, your families, sex, work, or how much time one of you spends on your phone.
But whatever the subject, the argument feels exactly the same. It is the same cycle over and over. It is exhausting.
This is something I see regularly in couples counselling. Couples often come to me believing they have lots of different problems, when underneath many of those arguments is the same pattern playing out over and over again. For me, this is one of the main areas I help couples learn skills around.
It’s Often the Pattern, Not the Topic
When couples have been together for a long time, they develop patterns in the way they respond to each other. Everything in our relationships is action and reaction. And we all know exactly what our partner will do next once we start the argument cycle.
One person might become frustrated and push harder to be heard. The other becomes defensive or shuts down. The first person then feels even more ignored and pushes harder. Before long, neither person is really talking about the original problem anymore.
You are reacting to each other’s reactions.
And because neither of you knows how to change what happens next, you end up doing the same dance again the next time something goes wrong. I call this your conflict dance. And we can change the dance moves.
“But We Just Can’t Communicate”
This is probably one of the most common things couples say to me, “We can’t communicate.”
Usually, that’s not quite true. Most couples communicate perfectly well when things are going well. They can organise dinner, talk about their day, make plans and discuss everyday life.
The difficulty often appears when one person feels hurt, criticised, ignored, unimportant or misunderstood. That’s when communication skills tend to disappear.
Tone changes. Defensiveness kicks in. Someone interrupts. Someone raises their voice. Someone walks away. Old issues get dragged into the conversation.
Suddenly you’re no longer trying to understand each other. You’re trying to defend yourself. You are now trying to win the point not solve a problem.
Curiosity Can Change a Conversation
One of the practical skills I teach couples is surprisingly simple:
If you hear something negative, check it out.
Instead of immediately reacting to what you think your partner meant, become curious.
Try: “What did you mean by that?”
or
“When you said that, did you mean…?”
Sometimes the answer is completely different from what you assumed. That little pause between hearing something and reacting to it can prevent a misunderstanding from becoming another argument.
It sounds simple. Doing it when you’re frustrated takes practice. And this is just one small piece of the equation for having healthy conflict conversations but it is a great starting point and can have a huge impact.
Why Doesn’t Someone Just Stop the Argument?
Couples sometimes know exactly what’s happening but still can’t stop it. They’ll tell me:
“We know we’re doing it, but once we start, neither of us can get out of it.”
That’s normal. These patterns become automatic over time. You aren’t usually sitting there consciously deciding to become defensive, withdraw or raise your voice. You’re reacting.
Learning to communicate differently means slowing that process down enough to recognise what’s happening and choosing a different response. That’s a skill, and skills can be learned.
I do also want to assure you that you are normal. It is one of the key areas I work with couples to teach these skills so please don’t be embarrassed if you are doing this cycle, as are many other couples. It is a lack of skill, nothing else.
You Don’t Have to Agree About Everything
Healthy communication doesn’t mean never disagreeing. Two people can love each other deeply and still have completely different opinions, needs and ways of seeing the world.
The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreement. It’s learning how to disagree without damaging the relationship. It is about learning how to understand each other’s needs when they are different and how to come up with solutions if they are required. In a kind, collaborative way.
Learning to listen without immediately defending yourself. Learning to tell your partner you’re hurt without attacking them. Learning to ask what they meant rather than assuming the worst.
Knowing you have control of how you speak to each other while you solve the problem.
These are things couples will learn when working with me.
Don’t Wait Until You’ve Stopped Caring
Couples counselling isn’t only for relationships that are about to end. In fact, I would much rather see a couple while they’re saying that they still love each other.
Repeated arguments can slowly create resentment and distance. Eventually couples can stop talking about difficult things altogether because it feels easier than having another fight. That’s when you can start feeling more like housemates than partners. Getting some help earlier can make changing those patterns much easier.
Couples Counselling in the Hills District
I’ve worked in the Hills District with couples for more than 16 years, and my approach to couples counselling is practical and straightforward.
We’ll look at what is actually happening between you, identify the patterns that are keeping you stuck, and work on practical skills you can use outside the counselling room.
The aim isn’t to decide who is right and who is wrong.
It’s to help you understand each other better and learn a healthier way of dealing with the things that inevitably come up in a relationship.
What surprises most couples is that the couples counselling process can actually be enjoyable!
I offer couples counselling and marriage counselling in Baulkham Hills, supporting couples from across the Hills District, Castle Hill, Norwest, Kellyville, Winston Hills and surrounding areas.
Online counselling via Zoom is also available.
Are You Tired of Having the Same Argument?
You don’t have to wait until your relationship reaches breaking point. If you still care about each other but feel stuck in the same arguments, communication problems or growing disconnection, it may be a good time to get some help and learn the skills to support your relationship.
Book a couples counselling appointment online with Affinity Counselling.
As always, here if you need.
Marriage and couples counselling in the Hills District.