This case study is based on my work with a real couple. Some personal and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.
Not every couple who comes to couples counselling is in crisis.
I first met this couple several years ago. They were both in their 30s, had met while she was travelling in Australia and eventually built their life here together. They live interstate and attend their session through Zoom.
They had a lot going for them. They had similar values, genuinely enjoyed each other and were both very invested in making their relationship work.
They weren’t coming to counselling because their relationship was falling apart. They came because there was one area where they repeatedly struggled to understand each other: communication.
“I don’t need you to fix it”
They approached communication very differently. He is highly logical and solution-focused.
If she came to him with a problem, his instinct was immediate:
What’s the problem?
What can we do about it?
Here’s the solution.
Done.
From his perspective, this was caring. In fact, the more he cared about her, the more effort he was likely to put into finding a solution. But that usually wasn’t what she needed. Sometimes she needed him to stay with her in the conversation. She wanted him to understand why something had affected her, acknowledge how she was feeling and simply listen before they decided whether anything needed fixing.
So we began working on a distinction that has become really important in their relationship:
Intent and impact are not always the same thing.
His intention was never to dismiss her feelings. Quite the opposite. Offering a solution was one of the ways he demonstrated love and investment. For him, there was nobody else he would invest as much time into helping solve problems he often considered somewhat trivial.
But the impact was that she felt unheard and shut down. Sometimes even dismissed. Understanding both sides changed the conversation.
She became better able to recognise the care underneath his problem-solving rather than immediately interpreting it as emotional disengagement.
And he became better at recognising when she wasn’t asking him to fix anything. Sometimes his job was simply to listen.
Different people can need very different things
Communication wasn’t the only place where their differences appeared.
They also needed very different amounts of time together to feel connected.
He had a hobby he was extremely passionate about and was naturally very good at looking after that part of himself.
She supported his interests, but sometimes struggled with the amount of time and energy he could devote to them. At times, she wondered whether the hobby was more important to him than she was.
For him, that comparison made absolutely no sense. His relationship and his hobby occupied completely different places in his life. Loving one didn’t diminish the other.
He also simply didn’t require as much couple time as she did to continue feeling secure and connected.
Neither of them was wrong. They were measuring connection differently.
So rather than trying to decide whose version was correct, we started asking a much more useful question:
What does each person actually need to feel loved and connected in this relationship?
Sometimes the answer is surprisingly small
For her, one of those things turned out to be incredibly simple. Going for a walk together.
An evening walk gave them time to talk without distractions. It wasn’t elaborate, expensive or particularly time-consuming, but it made her feel connected to him. Even better when he was the one to initiate the walk. It made her feel wanted.
Would he have independently decided that an evening walk was something his relationship desperately needed? Probably not. But once he understood what it gave her, he was very happy to do it.
And there were things that worked in the opposite direction.
He felt loved when she accepted who he was rather than trying to change him. Her support for his interests mattered enormously to him. When she encouraged him, showed interest or occasionally joined him, he experienced that as connection.
They didn’t need exactly the same things. They needed to understand and care about what mattered to the other person.
Counselling didn’t need to be weekly
Our work together has always looked a little different from the more structured weekly counselling I often do with couples in distress.
This relationship wasn’t in crisis. They were functioning well, communicating respectfully and able to take what we discussed in sessions and work with it themselves.
So we met when it was useful and they identified they wanted some support in a particular area. Sometimes we’d focus on communication. Sometimes we’d begin with one issue and discover there was something underneath it that was actually more important.
The counselling followed what was happening in their relationship rather than forcing them through a program they didn’t need. Over time, they developed a much better understanding of each other’s differences. And eventually something else happened.
They started coming back before things became a problem.
Counselling became a tune-up
I’ve now worked with this couple on and off for several years. They don’t attend counselling continuously. Instead, when something significant changes in their lives, they’ll often book a session.
A move created a new dynamic in their relationship, so we talked about it.
A period when one person wasn’t working changed the balance between them, so they came back and we explored what that meant.
More recently, they’ve been preparing for another major life transition: becoming parents.
They aren’t waiting until they’re exhausted, disconnected and arguing about whose turn it is to get up with the baby.
They’re talking about it beforehand. What might change between them?
How do they protect their relationship when suddenly there’s another little person taking enormous amounts of time and attention?
How do they make sure their existing differences don’t become sources of resentment under pressure?
What will each of them need?
For them, counselling has become less about fixing problems and more about protecting something they value.
Sometimes one person comes in
Occasionally, one of them will book an individual session with me.
That can work well when there’s something personal happening that is affecting how they are showing up in the relationship.
The goal remains the same: the health of the relationship.
There aren’t hidden agendas or secrets being kept from the other partner. Sometimes one person simply needs some space to sort through what’s happening in their own head.
They’ve become very supportive of each other doing this. In fact, “You need to have a chat with Sharon” has become something they’ll sometimes say to each other when one of them is stuck.
They know that person will often come back having hit reset, with a clearer understanding of what is happening and some ideas about how to approach it differently.
Where they are now
I expect I’ll probably know this couple for many years. Not because they need ongoing counselling to keep their relationship functioning. Quite the opposite.
They’ve become very good at recognising when something in their lives has shifted and deciding that their relationship deserves some attention while they adjust to it.
They understand each other’s differences far better than they did when we first met.
He has learned that sometimes loving her means resisting the urge to solve the problem and simply hearing what she’s saying.
She has learned to recognise the love and care that was often sitting underneath his solutions all along.
They’ve also stopped expecting connection to look identical for both of them.
And now, as they prepare for the next stage of their lives together, they’re doing something I wish more couples would do:
They’re looking after their relationship before there’s something wrong with it.
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Couples Counselling Case Studies
Real relationships. Real problems. Real change.
Many couples arrive at counselling feeling uncomfortable about being there.
For some, counselling feels like a last resort. They’ve tried to sort things out themselves, often for a long time, and can’t understand why they keep ending up in the same place.
Others look around at friends, family or other couples and assume everyone else is managing their relationship better than they are.
The reality is that even good relationships can become stuck.
After more than 16 years working with couples, I’ve seen relationships struggle for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s constant conflict. Sometimes life, work and children have taken over and the couple has slowly become disconnected. Sometimes two people simply don’t know how to communicate in a way the other person can hear. And sometimes the relationship is fundamentally healthy, but the couple wants some help navigating a new stage of life.
The case studies below are based on real couples I’ve worked with. Personal and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy, but the relationship difficulties, the work we did together and the changes that followed reflect the counselling process.
I’ve shared these stories because relationships rarely look from the outside the way they feel from the inside. You may recognise parts of your own relationship in some of them and hopefully see that struggling doesn’t necessarily mean there is something fundamentally wrong with you or your relationship.
We Love Each Other, So Why Do We Feel So Disconnected?
They’d been together for around 15 years and were raising two primary-school-aged children.
They still loved each other. They were good parents, good friends and their household functioned well.
But somewhere between work, children, the mortgage, swimming lessons and everyday life, their relationship had slipped to the bottom of the priority list.
Small things were turning into big arguments. Neither felt heard. Sexual intimacy had almost disappeared and both were beginning to feel rejected in different ways.
We started with weekly counselling, working first on conflict and communication before rebuilding connection and finding a place for their relationship alongside family life.
Read the full case study →
Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?
This couple were both in their 50s and had found each other after previous long-term relationships.
They genuinely liked each other and had a wonderful friendship.
But whenever she tried to raise something that mattered to her, he became defensive. The more he explained himself, the less heard she felt. Eventually she would withdraw.
They called them their “loops”.
Neither had really understood the pattern they were caught in until we slowed it down together.
Our work focused on defensiveness, emotional safety and learning how to disagree without losing each other in the process.
Read the full case study →
We Weren’t in Crisis — We Just Wanted to Look After Our Relationship
This couple weren’t coming to counselling because their relationship was falling apart.
They were happy together, shared similar values and were both strongly invested in their future. But they communicated very differently.
He was highly logical and solution-focused. She often needed emotional understanding rather than a solution. They also needed very different amounts of time together to feel connected.
Over several years, counselling has become something they return to when life changes — a move, changes in work and, more recently, preparing to become parents.
For them, counselling has become less about fixing a problem and more about protecting a relationship they value.
Read the full case study →
Your relationship doesn’t need to look exactly like these
Every couple is different.
You may recognise your relationship in one of these stories, bits of yourself in all three, or none of them.
That’s okay.
Couples counselling isn’t about fitting your relationship into a particular model. My first job is to understand your relationship — what’s working, what’s not, how you became stuck and what needs to change.
From there, we work practically.
Sometimes that means starting with weekly sessions because things need to settle quickly. Sometimes fortnightly is enough. And for couples who have already done the work, an occasional tune-up may be all that’s needed.
The aim is not to keep you in counselling.
It’s to give you the understanding, skills and confidence to look after your relationship yourselves.
If you’d like some help with your relationship, you can book a couples counselling session online or learn more about how I work with couples.
As always, here if you need.
Marriage and couples counselling in the Hills District.