This case study is based on my work with a real couple. Some personal and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.
This couple were both in their 50s and had met online after previous long-term relationships. Their children were grown, they enjoyed each other’s company enormously and had built a life together that, in many ways, worked really well. They lived a few hours away on the South Coast and attended their first session in person to make sure they felt a safe connection with me. After that they usually attended via Zoom.
They were incredibly kind people. They genuinely liked each other. They had a wonderful friendship.
But they kept having the same arguments. They described them as “loops”.
Something would come up, they would talk about it, the conversation would go around and around and nothing would actually be resolved.
Over time, those unresolved conversations were beginning to create a much bigger problem.
She was withdrawing from the relationship.
He still felt quite connected to her and initially didn’t experience their communication problems in quite the same way. But for her, years of feeling that she couldn’t successfully raise something that mattered to her had begun to change how safe and connected she felt in the relationship.
By the time they came to couples counselling, they weren’t simply asking, “How do we communicate better?”
They were beginning to wonder whether their relationship could actually work.
The loop they couldn’t see
In our first session, I spent time getting to know the whole relationship.
We talked about how they met, what they loved about each other, their previous relationships, what made them feel connected, what happened when they disagreed and, importantly, what happened afterwards.
As they described their arguments, a very clear pattern began to emerge.
She would raise something that mattered to her, perhaps something that had hurt her or something she needed to be different. Often something seemingly minor.
He would hear criticism and feel attacked.
His response was to defend himself. He would explain why he wasn’t wrong, why there was a reason he’d done what he’d done, why the situation wasn’t quite as she described it or why there was another way of looking at it.
From his perspective, he was explaining himself. He thought he was fixing the issue.
From hers, he wasn’t hearing her at all. Instead he was making it about him.
She disliked conflict, so initially she would try again. She would explain what she meant in a different way, hoping that if she could just find the right words he would understand.
He would feel increasingly criticised and become even more defensive.
Eventually, sometimes with anger entering the conversation as well, she would give up.
She would go quiet and retreat. The immediate argument would stop. He would assume that it was put to bed and just assume she was quiet for some other reason.
But nothing had been resolved. She was feeling hurt. And every time the cycle repeated, she withdrew a little further from him.
Neither of them had really seen the pattern until we pulled it apart together.
Understanding what was actually happening
One of the important things about relationship conflict is that the argument we’re having isn’t always the real problem.
This couple didn’t need to become better at proving their point. They needed to change what happened between them when something difficult was raised.
We talked about the difference between hearing an issue that mattered to the other person and hearing an attack.
We worked on what defensiveness looked like in their relationship and why immediately explaining or justifying yourself can leave your partner feeling completely unheard even when that isn’t your intention.
We also worked on her side of the cycle. After repeatedly feeling unheard, withdrawing made sense. It protected her from another difficult interaction.
But silence also meant that he had less and less access to what she was actually thinking and feeling. For this relationship to change, both people had work to do.
He needed to learn to listen without immediately defending himself.
She needed to begin trusting that it was safe to speak.
Getting enough momentum
Initially, we worked together fortnightly.
There were some improvements, but the sessions became inconsistent. Work would get busy, several weeks would pass, and by the time I saw them again they had often slipped back into the same patterns.
I pointed something out to them, with kindness but directly.
If we didn’t put enough consistent work in at the beginning to get some traction, they risked simply becoming very good at coming to counselling.
That’s not the goal. I don’t want couples stuck in a cycle of coming to see me to put out fires.
Counselling needs to create change outside the counselling room.
So we changed our approach and committed to a period of regular weekly sessions.
The difference was significant.
Instead of relearning the same skill every few weeks, we could build on what we’d done the previous week. They could try something at home, come back and tell me exactly where it had worked or fallen apart, and we could adjust it. It created a huge sense of safety for both of them. Knowing a session was only a few days away when something went wrong, allowed them to park it and keep moving. It gave them hope and reassurance.
Gradually, the new way of communicating started to become more familiar.
“I’m pulling the Sharon card”
I gave them a simple communication cheat sheet that I use with couples to help them stick to the rules for listening well in these situations.
Somewhere along the way, they renamed it. It became “the Sharon card.”
Now, when one of them recognises that they’re heading towards their old pattern, they’ll sometimes say:
“I’m pulling the Sharon card.”
Usually the other person laughs. And that little moment of humour interrupts something that once would have become a serious argument.
It gives them a chance to stop and think:
Hang on. What are we doing here?
Am I actually listening?
Am I becoming defensive?
Are we about to do the same old loop again?
What I particularly like about this is that they don’t need me sitting beside them to do it.
The skill has become theirs.
A very different couple began arriving for counselling
Over time, I began seeing quite a profound change.
He became much better at listening to what she was actually saying rather than immediately preparing an explanation or defence.
And as that happened, she began opening up.
She no longer needed to work so hard to make herself understood. She could raise something difficult and increasingly trust that the conversation wasn’t going to turn into another exhausting loop.
He didn’t feel constantly attacked. She didn’t feel constantly unheard.
And suddenly we had a much safer relationship to work with.
The difference was visible even when they arrived for sessions even through Zoom.
Earlier sessions could contain long, uncomfortable silences or long winded explanations in a desperate attempt to be heard. There was anger sitting underneath the conversation and a sense that both were unsure whether this could really change.
Later, they would present sitting close together, laughing, making jokes and sometimes proudly telling me about the moments during the week when they’d caught themselves slipping into the old pattern.
They were proud of each other. And they were proud of themselves. This shift was huge.
Building connection, not just stopping arguments
Once communication felt safer, our work could expand.
Stopping destructive conflict is important, but the absence of fighting doesn’t automatically create a connected relationship.
We began looking at what actually fed their relationship.
They have quite different personalities and different needs for connection, time together and time independently. Neither person’s needs were wrong.
Part of the work was helping them understand those differences without interpreting them as rejection.
We also worked on supporting each other’s individual lives. Being the other person’s cheerleader rather than feeling threatened when one person needed something different.
The aim wasn’t to make them the same. It was to create a relationship with enough room for both of them.
Learning to trust themselves
As the changes became more consistent, we gradually increased the time between sessions.
Moving from regular support to longer gaps can sometimes feel surprisingly uncomfortable for couples. That’s normal.
There’s often a point where a couple has developed the skills but hasn’t quite developed confidence in their ability to use them without the safety net of the next counselling session being just around the corner.
This couple experienced that too. Rather than forcing the gap, we gave them a little more time.
Eventually they were ready to try it. When they returned after a longer break, they were incredibly proud of themselves.
There had been difficult moments. But they’d handled them. There had even been occasions when someone had needed to pull out the “Sharon card.”
And it worked.
Where they are now
We now meet approximately monthly.
At this stage, the sessions aren’t about rescuing their relationship from crisis. They’re about maintaining the changes they’ve made, checking in on anything that has become stuck and continuing to strengthen the relationship they’ve rebuilt.
For them, the monthly appointment also provides accountability.
It reminds them to keep prioritising their relationship while other things in life compete for their attention.
Over time, I expect we’ll continue to review whether they still need that frequency and stretch the sessions further apart when they’re ready.
They’ve described the changes they’ve made as life-changing.
But one of my favourite things about working with them is much simpler than that.
It’s watching two people who once sat beside each other in incredibly difficult silences now arrive laughing together, with their own inside jokes about counselling.
The problems haven’t disappeared because they’ve learned never to disagree.
They’ve learned how to disagree without losing each other in the process and even better, creating a safe emotional connection.
As always, here if you need.
Marriage and couples counselling in the Hills District.